To not want my Mil to have contact with my daughter?

[beckysays]

Hello
I've never had a good relationship with my mil,when I first started seeing my husband we were civil but I always got the feeling she thought I wasn't good enough for her son. I did persevere with trying to get on with his side of the family, always polite when I saw them and talking about how well the other half was doing whilst away training. All that stopped however after I got engadged to their son. I think his mother resented me for 'taking her son away' and she believed that I was controlling him, even asking him whether I was blackmailing him.
When we announced our pregnancy(unplanned admittedly) her first reaction was to call the baby a bastard, and say that I'd planned the whole thing to trap her son.She went onto say she wanted nothing to do with the wedding or the baby.
My other half didn't handle it quite how I wanted him too, he said that his mum has always overreacted and she didn't mean it, and I should forgive her
For him I went to see his parents on the morning of our wedding, at their request. Apparently to them it was just another chance to put me down. They called me a bitch and accused me of controlling him, saying that I'd stopped him from inviting any of his family to the wedding. That was his choice, after his mum said she wanted nothing to do with it he decided to invite none of his family, despite me telling him to multiple times.
It's been 6 weeks since then and I've had no contact, but my little girl is due to make her appearance next month and I'm terrified that if I let MIL see the baby she's gonna use her as a weapon, try to take control or tell her when she's older that she was unplanned.
Apologies for the long post, my head is everywhere at the moment!

[YouTheCat]

Has your dh gone no contact with his family?

If he has, follow suit. Don't go and see them at their request and if they want anything at all to do with their grandchild, they'll have to do some serious grovelling.

You do not have to see these people. You married him not his family.

[Forgettable]

What does you husband say about his mother being rude to you? And others in his family, too, they called you a bitch etc.

[diddl]

I think that your daughter needs protecting from anyone who calls her mother a bitch & has referred toi her yet unborn self as a bastard.

[beckysays]

No, dh has grown up with this sort of behaviour on a regular basis, to him I think it's almost normal.Hes used to a cycle of them fighting then making up when it's all died down

[Burren]

Your ILs sound unhinged, frankly, and I cannot imagine why anyone would subject a newborn to the attentions of someone who refers to her as a 'bastard' and thinks of her mother as some kind of conniving man-trapper. But you shouldn't have to air your concerns on the internet - why aren't you and your husband talking about this? I can't imagine that it would ever be out of my mind if my family had behaved this badly to my husband - there would be few lengths to which I would not go to show them how unacceptable their behaviour was. Is your husband still attempting to placate them?

[beckysays]

My husband views it as normal behaviour for them, he did object to them calling me names but also says that as soon as they calm down they'll be fine. I've tried to talk about how wrong it is but it's what he's known for so long...

[Famzilla]

Your IL's sound toxic and manipulative. Your DH may be willing to put up with it (and it will seem normal to him if it's all he's ever known) but you do not have to. Have no contact with them.

In regards to your daughter, that is a tricky one. My parents are toxic too and my daughter does not know them, however as they're my parents that was my decision. If it were DH's parents I wouldn't know what to do really as I wouldn't feel it was my decision to make. What does your DH think?

My arguement was that it was not good for a child to have that sort of relationship with anyone. There's no reason I can see to put your daughter in the firing line of your MIL's bitterness. The last thing I wanted was for my own daughter to form an attachment to my mum, only for her to have one of her narcissistic rages and threaten to cut us off again. Imagine having to explain to your little girl why their granny is calling mummy names and why she isn't allowed to go round there anymore. That did it for me!

[diddl]

I think it's really hard.

It's what he's known from his parents.

But surely he's realised that that's not how all people behave?

And indeed he doesn't have to accept it because it's his parents?

And of course you & your daughter don't have to accept it at all?

[beckysays]

Famzilla thank you, that's actually a really good way to look at it, I didn't consider what would happen if I let them form a relationship that then went bad.
I struggle to make dh see why I feel so strongly, his mum rang earlier to say she's brought something for the baby and he says that's her way of making up. I disagree, spending money does not make you grandma of the year and certainly is not an apology.
I'm just gonna go with my gut and keep my daughter away from mil, what's best for her is my priority

[Joules68]

leave it to your DH take the baby to visit?

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would personally go nc with them, they sound awful. Calling your nit yet born baby that, and being nasty to you. Noway would I want my child around such toxic individuals. Your dh should grow a pair, stop making excuses for them and support his wife and family in this.

[beckysays]

If I let dh take her though I know she's still gonna be on an environment where I'm being bad mouthed and I don't want her around that. And yeah me and dh have had words but little seems to change, he's too much of a mummy's boy unfortunately. We've just moved overseas so I'm hoping that distance will give him perspective :/

[diddl]

"She went onto say she wanted nothing to do with the wedding or the baby."

Perfect get out -as if what she called her wasn't enough!

I don't know how he can bear to have anything to do with her tbh.

[Pinkballoon]

Have had same thing. Ex MIL questioned parentage (to put it politely) of my DC when I was pregnant. Heard it on EX P's answerphone. Strict policy of NC ever since. She blatantly denied it when I found it. I wrote to her detailing what I'd heard on the answer phone. Its her loss, not ours.

[hamptoncourt]

So Becky you got married six weeks ago, you have moved overseas and your baby is due next month?

Your problem is going to be visits from MIL then.

Personally I would not have her in my home under any circumstances, and if you cannot trust her not to bad mouth you then no, I wouldn't let DD anywhere near her either.

If you EBF then DH won't be able to take her to visit MIL on his own either

Doesn't the fact that your DH is such a weak mummys boy put you off him?

[beckysays]

It does disappoint me that he's so willing to forgive her but the way I see it he has a kind of Stockholm syndrome....He's grown up with it so has learnt to accept it. If it came to it though I'm not 100% sure he'd back me and thats what terrifies me.MIL is the sort of person who would cry to anyone that would listen that she's the victim, already done it with all of his family so that none of them talk to me, thinking its all my fault ect.Just feel very let down at the moment and sad that keeping my daughter safe from this toxic manipulative woman is so hard