dreading going to wedding with toxic sister-in-law

[dundeegirl]

Need some advice please.
In august we-dh- and myself have been invited to a family wedding in dundee.

No problem with wedding in-laws, it's just a toxic sister-in-law, who will also be going.
Since we married 16 years ago, there has never really been a relationship with dh's sister, apparently her husband didn't want her to "mix" outside the home.
She never worked, as she "suffered with nerves"

No problem with that, had the customary birthday/Christmas cards each year, but that was about it.
Apparently she (sister-in-law1)didn't like the other sister-in-law, mother of the bride, she didn't like her father's new wife, and now, well, always she didn't like me!

So from having no relationship to speak of, 4 years ago, her father, 89, blind, cancer, had to stay with her for a couple of weeks, until a home was arranged for him, but that was when the shit hit the fan
.
She would rant and rave at me, that I should look after her father(!).
She never shouted at her brother-dh, but it was always me.

I said I would take over his care, and have him in my home even though he wasn't my father, but then she said if I did, she would have travel to see him, she hates driving.
dh said she always found it hard to "cope", but I can't see why I should be dragged into her inadequacy.

Anyway a couple of years ago, there was a family party, reluctantly I agreed to go for dh's sake, and intended to steer clear of toxic sister-in-law, which I managed to do.

But, the next day all hell broke loose, her daughter rang very angrily, that I was rude to her mother because I had ignored her, yes I had rather than become embroiled in any unpleasantness.
I agreed to speak to sister-in-law on the phone, in an attempt to keep the peace.

As soon as dh passed the phone to me, her rant began again , she is a two faced cow, wouldn't say anything to dh, still tries to be the "sweet little kid" as they were growing up..

She shouted I was disgusting for chewing gum at her fathers funeral , years ago (fucking sick bitch, I have never actually chewed gum in my life!).

I protected myself by telling her she was disgusting herself, by trying to throw an old man, virtually blind, dying of cancer out of her house, her dh was as bad.

She continued ranting that I was disgusting, until I passed the phone to dh.

Whereupon she told him she still wants to speak to dh, but never wants to "speak or see me again".
No problem with that, except for this forthcoming wedding.
I don't want to go, she will only hit off again, yet I want to support dh.
Any advice please.

[ViviPru]

What does your DH say? What is your relationship to the person getting married?

[CoffeeTea103]

What does your DH say when all this happens?

[diddl]

Well she "kick off" in public?

Whatever you do will be wrong for someone I should think.

I'm tempted to say life's too short, don't bother.

Unless you would like to see the couple concerned marry.

[CerealMom]

Could you talk to the people getting married and explain the situation?

Ask them, which would they prefer. You there with possible problems from SiL. Or you could bow out, ensuring a trouble free wedding for them (and you). You could offer to see them after the wedding/honeymoon for dinner.

[neiljames77]

Just don't go. It's not worth the hassle is it? Apologise to the bride and groom and just get them a nice present.
If the toxic one has a go at you for not attending, just say, "I was following your wishes. You said you never wanted to see me again and if I attended, you'd see me".

[olympicsrock]

NIghtmare - I wouldn't go. Your DH should go on his own. He is a grown man and it is his family. It's not as if he won't know anyone.

[dundeegirl]

The relationship is dh's niece.

Sadly dh, hates confrontation and doesn't say anything when it kicks off, he basically keeps his head down.

To be fair, with him she always behaves like the sweet little kid when they were growing up.

Either her or her adult family will surely kick off at some point.

To be honest I don't even know the niece, dh and his brother have the usual Christmas/birthday card sort of relationship the same as sister ,and he barely knows his niece , as far as I can remember he has only seen her about 3/4 times since we married.

Basically sister-in-law, didn't like
step mother-in-law,
sister-in-law(s)
future son-in-law,

she is the "matriarch" and you don't fit if you are not blood related.
dh hasn't heard from her since the last "family party".

But if she rang him right now,(he has diplomatically not contacted since her last rant) it would all be swept under the carpet.
I feel sad for dh, as he has never caused any upset, is totally loyal to me, and though I want to protect myself by not going, it's a shame if he has to go alone.
Particularly as it's so far away, and will mean overnight hotel etc.
I feel such a twat, not being able to decide what is the best to do for ME

[Amy106]

I would agree with the other posters. Just don't go. She is going to kick off again and no one needs that at a wedding (or anywhere else). Dh can go on his own and sort out his own family problems. I understand you want to support dh but in this case the best support you can give him is no contact with the sister in law in question.

[dundeegirl]

thank you, yes, it's best if I keep away.
It would certainly cause an atmosphere, which I what I want to avoid.

I could explain to mother of the bride why I need to exclude myself from her daughters wedding,
i'm sure I won't be missed anyway.

[neolara]

I wouldn't go. What's the point? You don't know the niece. The chances sound high that it will kick off if you do go. It's not your fault, but you'd probably end up feeling shitty for the bride if a major slanging match errupted around you.

[neiljames77]

The best thing for YOU is clearly to stay away from the lions den.
It's just down to how your H feels about not going or going alone.
I understand you want to support each other but you could be on the wrong end of something nasty and end up feeling isolated.

[SlimJiminy]

Don't go. Not too late for letting the bride and groom know and it doesn't sound like you're close, so it's not like it'll spoil their day. I'm thinking about all of this from your perspective and that of the bride and groom - and it's all pointing me towards the same advice - stay away. Politely decline the invitation and let your DH go to the wedding alone if he wants to.

[wowfudge]

The bride isn't toxic SIL's child then? She sounds unhinged to me. Whether you go or not rather depends on how you think the bride and groom will take things and how you can, diplomatically, bow out if you have already accepted.

If you go and can avoid TSIL, then do so - if she approaches you and rants I wouldn't counter it: she'll show herself up. If she tries to get you on one side and has a go, be ready to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you have been doing your best to stay out of her way because she clearly has an issue with you, but that whatever it is, she should have the courtesy to behave with civility at a wedding.

What is it with some people?

[5Foot5]

I think a polite and friendly letter with the RSVP to explain to the bride's mother that you are grateful for the invitation and under normal circumstances would love to go. However, you know from past experience that if you do the SIL will try to cause trouble and you do not want to be part of anything that could spoil the day so regrettably DH will go alone (or whatever). Make it clear that you wish them well and this has nothing to do with them etc.

They probably are already aware of what a "tricky" person she is and this will show you in a better light than her

[dundeegirl]

yes, sister-in-laws two brothers don't like confrontation,

which she is fully aware of, which could leave me in a stressful situation, miles from home.

It certainly wouldn't be a happy day for me, thinking purely from a selfish position.
Best thing is to let them all get on with it.

They haven't got a close and caring relationship at all, surely sending cards , but not meeting in person ,year after year, isn't a caring sibling bond.
Mind you, that is the crux of it all really,
dh has a bond with sister-in-law, ( albeit, memories of when they were children)whereas I don't at all.
We probably only met 8 times in 16 years.
So, I must decide what to do, as the wedding is only a few weeks away.

[maddening]

don't go but be ready for fall out regardless - and be ready with a speakerphone and recording facility - let dh hear his sister's twattery and stand firm - if it kicks off make sure you finish it off for good - no point in trying to salvage anything - go back to no contact and Christmas cards - ensure dh holds a few family gatherings of his own to maintain those ties - never slay of sister but be firm that this is her doing or dh can explain what has happened factually - they probably know what she's like anyway.

[dundeegirl]

Thank you, sister-in-law(2), whose daughter is getting married, suffered a fair amount of abuse from the toxic one, when the father was alive.
(Even though the other db lived up north?

She expected, ranted and raved, that sil2 should look after HER father.
(despite sil2 nursing both her elderly parents for years herself)
Just doesn't make sense, the females are abused, while the two brothers aren't?????
Actually nothing to salvage, basically the toxic one has her head too far up her backside to see what she is doing, either that or she just doesn't care.
I am sure that dh and I will have a massive fallout because of this.
When the invitations arrived, he simply showed it to me, but he has no idea that I am in such a turmoil over this.
Thank you dear toxic one

[Marylou62]

Oh how awful. Could you have a nice w/end in the hotel with DH but not actually go to wedding. During ceremony you could use spa/massage or just read and rest. He would not stay very long so you had a nice break? Then maybe meet Bride for brunch in the morning? I agree sending the mother of the bride that letter, Good idea. I had a massive fallout with a friend just before her mum died. She was very verbally aggressive and I chose not to go to the funeral (I knew her very well). I just knew she would kick off and I didn't want her to embarrass herself. I went quietly next day to pay my respects.

[neiljames77]

The other alternative would be to go, let your SIL have her rant at you and just sit there looking at the floor saying nothing. When she's finished, just say to your H, "thanks for your support". It might shame him into action.

[dundeegirl]

That's food for thought,
yes I could go to the hotel in Dundee, we live in the south, so it would be a long drive , not sure how long though , surely 6 hrs?.

But I would feel like I was skulking around, hiding myself away, it wouldn't work for me.
We could meet the bride for lunch, but again, in all the years we have been married we have only met dh's niece a handful of times.

If I mention to dh that I will email sister-in-law2 to explain why I will not be able to attend, i'm positive we will have a massive argument.

I am an adult, surely I can work this out for myself??????????
I guess I am trying to achieve damage limitation between dh and myself.
I'm sure I wouldn't miss one iota the horrendous car drive, plus expenses

[Marylou62]

What about talking to DH and telling him word for word what you KNOW will happen!! Tell him that he will be embarrassed for his Dsis and it WILL ruin the wedding.... Does he understand why you don't want to go?
Does he actually understand that you are worried she will kick off?

[Scrounger]

Your DH wants you to support him / attend the wedding but isn't prepared to support you or back you in any dealing with his sister. It isn't fair, why does he want you to go so that his sister and her family have another chance to abuse you? As he has never stood up for you I don't think that he morally has a leg to stand on in asking you to put yourself through it again.

If you do decide to go and make a long weekend of it stay in a different hotel. you don't want to spend all your time worrying about turning a corner and seeing your SIL in there. I wouldn't worry about seeing the bride, she is probably going to be busy arranging stuff or seeing loads of people.

[Iamrandom]

I'm sorry but your DH isn't loyal to you or he would stamp this out or at least attempt to. I love my brother and sister but if they tried any of this with my husband I wouldn't stand for it and I definitely wouldn't stand by while I listened to a phone call like that. You need to ask your DH whether he would stand by while a friend or a stranger verbally abused you in thus way. If not then why is his sister allowed to.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Your Sil isn't the problem, your DH is.

[dundeegirl]

Well, each time the toxic sil has abused me, my dh has kept out of it, saying "she isn't like that to me".

as children sil knew my dh was a quiet unassuming person, a follower rather than leader, which is fine.

It's just that in essence , I don't want him to have to be in the position to "choose her over me, or vice versa"
So, if he won't go without me, he will be missing his nieces wedding (not that he knows her really).

I reckon I must take the bull by the horns and tell him as tactfully as I can that it would be better if he went alone.
I am positive if a stranger verbally abused me he would step in and challenge them.

I believe he still thinks his ds is a sweet little girl from their childhood, whereas she is a nasty selfish abuser of women. (her husband has controlled her for years, isolating her from outside influences)
Soooooooooo, time to have the talk I think.
At my age, (70) I really don't want/need this.