To ask MIL to not force dd to call any adult auntie or uncle

[OBface]

My MIL is from a different culture where they call literally any adult auntie or uncle (bus driver, waiter you name it). For DHs sister and brother in law there are 'special' names used rather than auntie etc. Obviously for my family there isn't. AIBU to be cross with my MIL for giving an outright no when I explained nicely to her this morning that I'd rather keep these terms exclusively for family?

[GeordieJellybean]

Your MIL should respect your choices for your kids but if it's something that's engrained in her it might be a hard habit to break. I suggest an honest chat and then gentle reminders as needed.

[DoJo]

It sounds harmless enough, but is there any reason why you want these names for family only? Many people in the UK use Auntie and Uncle for close friends of the family, so it's not as though there is no precedent here at all. Maybe if you could explain your reasoning to her, she might understand a bit better.

[OBface]

Problem is I tried to have an honest chat this morning and it went down like an absolute lead balloon.

Sort of came to a head this week as we were in a restaurant and MIL pulled my dd up for calling a waiter we have come to know over the years by his name.

I waiting til this morning to have the conversation but was met with so much resistance.

I sometimes feel that I have to be very respectful of her culture but when I have a request it is largely ignored.

[HazeltheMcWitch]

It's obviously up to you, but I have never met anyone who was confused about who was who - eg my Asian friends who called 'everyone' Aunty as per your post, or me (not Asian) who called my family Aunts and Uncles, plus my mum's best friends. Or me, at house of Asian friends (as a child), and expected to call most adults 'Aunty/Uncle'. We always knew who was who, and what the relationship was.

[HazeltheMcWitch]

Ah, sorry - cross-post. Not ok IMHO to tell off your child for not calling everyone Aunty/Uncle.

So yes, I would have another conversation. What does your partner say - was he bought up in MIL's culture, and to what extent does he want this tradition to continue?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It depends. If it's a standard 'mark of respect' and is the convention in that culture then you should keep quiet. I know of several cultures where this is the 'norm' and the name 'uncle' 'aunty' means nothing more than a respectful form of address of somebody who is older, where a child would be rude to use just a forename.

If your MIL is trying to imply and encourage closer relationships along the lines of what a RL aunt and uncle would be then, absolutely - ask her to stop it.

Be very clear about which scenario it is though.

[OBface]

Dojo I find calling older people auntie and uncle quite old fashioned (my own mum hated that her mother forcing her to do this so never expected us to) and not keen that her side of the family have dedicated, special names and that my side get lumped in with the wider adult world.

Also think that should be my choice as a mother to decide this for dd.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Just read your post about the waiter... If your child knows him well and he has asked her to call him his name then that is fine. Otherwise it isn't and your MIL is right.

I'm pondering now... what would/should a child call a waiter in such circumstances? Nothing - just smile brightly, lots of teeth? Or 'Mister', accompanied by big smile, lots of teeth?

It's a minefield. Are there rules? People blunder about so when there's no defined system.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

How about you lead my example, your DD is more likely to follow your lead surely? Use peoples names and if MIL tried to correct you/your dd simply correct her back!

But then I really don't understand how the next door neighbours dogs bone is my auntie... unless you are my mothers or fathers sister you are not my auntie! My Dh's family is a little like this - my DC will use peoples names, if the inlaws correct this by adding the auntie/uncle+name I correct them back, with a smile of course

[LokiDokey]

I grew up with this, the couple who lived next door were Auntie and Uncle X.
Obviously I knew they weren't my real Aunt and Uncle but to a small me it seemed more polite than just calling them Betty and Bert for example. I'm 40 now and up until Betty died last year at a very grand old age I still referred to her as Aunty Betty because anything else seemed odd.

That said, I had a long email convo with DD's teacher last week (who also taught me) and addressed him as Sir much to my DH's amusement. Even though he signed off his emails 'Cheers, Dave' it blew my mind to consider anything other than 'Sir'.
I'm probably weird.

[Cerisier]

Stick to your guns OP, or DD will seem odd to her friends when she refers to strangers as auntie. If MIL can't stop doing this after you have firmly told her not to then she can't go out socialising with DD as it will annoy you. If she can't follow your instructions in this respect you will have the argument that you can't necessarily trust her in other respects.

The uncle and auntie thing for non-relatives is not UK culture anymore. It might have been 100 years ago but even 50 years ago my parents didn't expect us to use it to people older than us. We used Mr and Mrs Surname or just their first names.

My DDs use people's first names unless they are family friends who are also their teachers- in which case they stick to Mr or Mrs Surname as they don't feel comfortable using the first name.

[pebblyshit]

My dcs call adults from the 'aunty' culture aunty/uncle and call European people by whatever name they are supposed to or, more often, nothing at all. I wouldn't be comfortable for them to ignore cultural and social norms just because their parents are from different cultures and their GPs would be really embarrassed if they called waiters or bus drivers (from their culture) anything other than auntie/uncle because it's rude. It's roughly the equivalent of a British child clicking their fingers at a waiter and demanding a drink without bothering to say please or thank you.

[Shelby2010]

Presumably the word in MIL language isn't actually 'Auntie', so use whatever the word is eg Didi? for any adult relatives on her side of the family. Tell her it isn't part of this culture to address random adults eg bus drivers as auntie/uncle and PA say 'silly granny' to DD whenever she tries it on. She should have as much respect for your culture (and presumably the one DD is living in) as you have for hers.

[Cerisier]

Loki my DD's boyfriend is in one of my A level classes. He feels too strange calling me by my name when he is round at our house, so just calls me "miss"!

[AMumInScotland]

I think there's a difference between MIL encouraging your child to do this, and her telling your child off for not doing it, when it's not part of your culture.

Assuming your dd is old enough, you can explain to her that granny thinks it sounds more respectful to say auntie/uncle, and there's no reason for that to confuse her. But your MIL should never tell your child off when you are there for something you have differing views on. Your views as parent trump those of grandparents every time.

[BackforGood]

Your not weird Loki - or at least, if you are, so am I and most people I know.

To me, calling every adult 'Aunty'/'Uncle' is strange, (rather than close friends of parents who kind of "earn" that honorary title) but if you marry a person whose cultural background is different from yours, then you are both bound to come across things that seem strange to you. To be honest, in the scheme of things, this doesn't sound big enough to fall out over.

What does your dh think ?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Cerisier... Please don't be ignorant. It's culture now, still in the UK, especially in smaller communities, so don't inject disparaging '100 years ago' comments because you're wrong.

The fact remains though that OP needs to find a way through this. If I were in her position, I'd actually have a conversation with MIL to find out the roots of this and talk through it. It's easy to use the 'I'm MUM, do as I say!' card, it's not always politic or wise to do so, not for the small stuff.

[WooWooOwl]

It is no more your right to choose this for your dd as her mother than it is your DHs right to choose it as her Father. You are equal parents.

Children aren't stupid, they can learn very easily that mums side of the family does things one way and dads side of the family does things another way. There isn't a right or wrong way of doing it, just different ways, and I think it's quite sad that you would want to take a traditional thing that is part of your daughters heritage away from her.

Give your dd some credit here, she will be able to deal with the two, equally important, sides of her family doing things differently.

It sounds like you just want to be in control of this thing that doesn't really matter just for the sake of it. Be honest, you're not finding a problem with this because there's something wrong with it or because it's going to be harmful to your child.

[LokiDokey]

Certainly in the 70's it was the done thing, my parents had a few close friends who were Aunty and Uncle to me as well as the neighbours. I didn't do it with my children (born in the 90's) but, they both addressed the lady I still called Aunty the same way because they heard me do it.

I do think it's dying out. I recall as a small child my Nana referring to men as 'the Master'. If I was in a shop she'd hand me money and say 'Pay the master' for example. Thankfully thats one that has seemed to have died out.

[AMumInScotland]

I'm not 50 yet, and my parents certainly got us to call close friends of theirs 'aunty' and 'uncle' so I don't think it's that old-fashioned an idea. Not in the '100 years ago' category anyway!

[SantanaLopez]

Is it really worth falling out over? Your DD will soon learn that granny likes her to say Aunty and Uncle, but mum doesn't mind.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face (if you usually get on well with MIL).

[Morgause]

What does your DH think?

[kentishgirl]

I grew up calling my friends parents and neighbours Uncle and Aunty, but it has died out in British culture (my son didn't do it).

In other cultures it's alive and well, and as your children are part of both cultures, I think they should learn the right etiquette 'rules' for each culture. MIL shouldn't insist they call British adults uncle or aunty. But you shouldn't stop them doing what is polite in their Dad's culture, either.

They can learn two sets of rules, easy.

I was in a relationship with someone from a culture like this and his kids did this. With their British family and friends first name terms. With anyone from their Dad's culture, Uncle and Aunty. It is seen as being very disrespectful otherwise, and it's their culture as much as the British side. In a way it was quite nice - I rather liked being called 'Aunty' myself by all the others younger than me (makes a nice change from getting the mick taken out of me as I get from my own neices and nephews! ) I also got called 'Madam' and 'Maaa' a lot, which was peculiar at first as it would sound like a piss take from someone British, but its a way of showing respect.

I understand that they are growing up in the UK so the main cultural influence is British. It doesn't cause any harm, and it's a positive thing as I see it, for them to also learn about the other culture.

If you were to live in your partner's country, I'm sure you would want your children to learn British manners alongside the ones prevalent in his country, so they are well equipped in either environment.

[RiverTam]

I actually think it's quite a nice thing to do, I used to work with someone of my age (early 40s) who was always referring to Aunty so-and-so, who would be an adult she had grown up with, friend-of-parents kind of thing. I thought it was quite sweet. It seems an odd thing to get into a sweat about. I'm guessing MIL is Asian, I think this is very usual and hardly a dreadful expression of her culture. It's not on a par with insisting they get their ears pierced as a baby, after all!

[Hoppinggreen]

I'm not from a culture where this is the norm but I have friend who are and it's just a sign of respect. My children call all my friends by their names but the Chinese and Asian ones are Aunty x etc. I don't force this on them and I wouldn't tell them off for not doing it.
I think it's lovely. My Dad had been poorly and when I arrived at their house last week the Indian neighbour ( man in his 30's) came out ago ask how " uncle " was.
Indian and Pakistani friends children often call me Aunty and I have no problem with it at all