Is my daughter BU in not visiting her partners mum without him?

(44 Posts)
Overthehillmum Tue 15-Apr-14 22:26:11

My daughter is pregnant, living with her partner. Before they lived together he stayed at his mums, the mum is mainly housebound, this is due to mobility problems exasperated by her weight (according to my dd, I've never met her). My DD used to sit with her whilst waiting for her boyfriend to come home.

So, that is the background, partners mum texts him complaining my DD hasn't been to see her, he wants her to go visit his mum without him, she doesn't want to as finds it difficult to have any conversation but is willing to go with him, he doesn't drive but goes by bus when DD is working, she is frustrated and feels he is being unreasonable as the two of them could go together when they have a day off together (dd drives).

As an extra point his mum does appear to create dramas in the family, and has sent texts to both if them saying she feels left out of DDs pregnancy and complained if DD is slow in responding to texts. My DD can be a bit of a brat but says she finds the constant emotional blackmail tiring and she's not getting involved, she will visit with him but not make a special visit without him, we are very close and spend a lot of time doing stuff together so this could be annoying his mum hence the complaints!

So is she being unreasonable, will visit with him but not without ??

Hassled Tue 15-Apr-14 22:30:25

I think it's quite sweet the mother wants to see your DD whether her son is there or not. She obviously wants to build up a relationship - and she will be one of the baby's grandmothers; she's not going to go away. Much better that they have a positive relationship. Plus, she's housebound and so probably quite lonely.

Your DD is under no obligation but it would be a nice thing to do to spend half an hour with her.

Famzilla Tue 15-Apr-14 22:31:16

She's a grown woman and should not be emotionally manipulated into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

I would be wary of getting too involved in what is essentially her dramas though.

justmuddlingalong Tue 15-Apr-14 22:34:13

Maybe you could go for a visit with your daughter. It would give both Grans the chance to meet before the new baby arrives.

WelshMaenad Tue 15-Apr-14 22:34:54

God, I don't even answer the phone to my mil if DH isn't home.

The woman sounds like hard work. I'm with your dd. I cannot be doing with people who like to whip up drama.

my dh wouldnt dream of going to see my mum if i wasnt there and I wouldnt voluntarily go and see my MIL if dh wasnt there.

coppertop Tue 15-Apr-14 22:39:54

My MIL is lovely but I've only ever visited her with dh.

WooWooOwl Tue 15-Apr-14 22:46:02

Your dd INBU.

Her pregnancy doesn't come with an obligation to entertain her partners Mum. As long as she will visit with her DP, she isn't doing anything wrong.

Dragonlette Tue 15-Apr-14 22:46:06

I only go to see my mil if dp is coming too. Tbh, if dp could drive I'd happily suggest that he goes to visit her with the dcs but without me (I'd love some childfree time at home). She's lovely but I don't have a massive amount in common with her other than dp and the dcs.

Overthehillmum Tue 15-Apr-14 22:46:37

I have offered to go, my daughter has said no, when we went for the scan (a gender one, 3-D) I offered to DD's partner that I picked his mum up and bring her, my car would be suitable for her to get into, he refused, I'm not sure he asked her!

My DD has said some of her texts have just irritated her, as in asking her how her son's baby is feeling today, or when she went for her first scan she sent a text saying..fingers crossed everything will be okay! I've said she is taking offence a bit easily and needs to step back, but I do think that at least until she's on maternity leave they should do a joint visit, but have kept quiet, I'm trying to remain neutral and also not encroach on their relationship!

pictish Tue 15-Apr-14 22:51:29

I don't think your dd should feel obliged to visit her mil alone if she doesn't want to, no. She's an adult and may choose her own company.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 15-Apr-14 22:57:24

Would he come and visit you without your daughter being there?

Overthehillmum Tue 15-Apr-14 23:04:09

Funky bold, she used this example, said to him that her mumwill sent him random texts and he should visit at our house, he said he would ! This was tonight in a text, at this point she was totally enraged, the words "he's started poking a big stick at the pregnant woman!" I backed away slowly and offered her a hot chocolate .....

smartypants1000 Tue 15-Apr-14 23:08:03

I think she is BU. Wouldn't kill her to make a bit of an effort, and I do think that if it's important to her DP then she has an obligation to get to know his family, and be nice. She sounds, from what you're saying, v childish.

sunbathe Tue 15-Apr-14 23:21:12

I think she sounds like she knows her own mind and won't be guilt-tripped into doing something she doesn't want to.

NurseyWursey Tue 15-Apr-14 23:23:05

Nope she shouldn't have to, I wouldn't.

And feeling left out of the pregnancy is silly, it's not her pregnancy to feel left out of.

And complaining about the speed of replying to texts annoys me too - people don't have to constantly be contactable.

Joylin Tue 15-Apr-14 23:33:51

Your daughter is entitled to choose her own company, she's under no obligation to hang out with her partners mother. She's not responsible for entertaining her.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 15-Apr-14 23:38:16

Hmmm well DH and I regularly visit each others families without one another (DH went for Christmas Lunch one year I was at work as apprently my DM cooks a better Christmas dinner than his mum), so I dont see it as odd to spend time with the inlaws without the partner, however, we lile spending time in their company and if I didnt, I wouldnt go alone.

Does her dp visit you unaccompanied?

PlantsAndFlowers Tue 15-Apr-14 23:38:56

I think the MIL sounds like she's going to be a nightmare once the baby's here.

pictish Tue 15-Apr-14 23:46:10

I go and see my mil without dh. She only lives around the corner and I like her and her dh a lot. It's easy with them.
I wouldn't see fil on my own. We don't have that sort of rapport. Never have, never will I don't suppose.

Ludways Tue 15-Apr-14 23:52:10

I love my mil but I never see her without dh. However my mum used to spend every Wednesday afternoon with her mil, my paternal grandma.

I think I don't see mil as she has a dd to do things with, whereas my ddad I'd an only child. An excuse maybe, I don't know.

If she is happy to go see her mil but would prefer her dp to be there to then she has every right to insist.

MrsGeneKelly Wed 16-Apr-14 01:02:15

Hmmm, I think your daughter's MIL would have better results if she invited your daughter over for a cup of tea or something, rather than hoping she will drop in. I began visiting my MIL after the baby was born, I would take him for a walk and since she lived close to us, just drop by. We slowly began to bond, and developed a good relationship. You daughter's reaction is a little unreasonable in her being upset over it, but she is allowed to not want to go without her dp. If she is working and pregnant, that last thing she may feel like doing is traveling out of her way to visit someone with whom she doesn't especially enjoy her company. When the baby is born they will have something in common to keep the conversation flowing about.
The texts do not sound irritating to me, I will risk blaming that on overly sensitive pregnancy emotions.

eightandthreequarters Wed 16-Apr-14 01:35:53

I think your DD and her DP should work this out between them and not let his mother cause an argument in their relationship.

I've always taken the line that DP's family are his responsibility, and my family are mine. So I don't send mother's day cards to his mum for him; I don't remind him of their birthdays; and I don't generally visit unless I'm going with him. I'd be happy to help out in an emergency, and if they need money I'm willing to sacrifice to find it, because they are family. But when it comes to visits and socialising, they are essentially HIS family.

I would not expect him to sit with my mother for an hour attempting conversation, either!

missknows Wed 16-Apr-14 01:41:10

I've never visited my in laws without my husband abs could think of doing nothing worse! (We've been together 9 years)

missknows Wed 16-Apr-14 01:42:35

And not abs. Stupid phone.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now