To take offence that only me and not my children are invited?

(71 Posts)
Catflap1 Tue 15-Apr-14 21:15:19

unsure if i'm reading to much into this or not but this is the story:

today my dp called me at work and said this his bro and sil have invited us down to there caravan on Saturday night! great I thought!

he went to to say that I would need to text my exh and ask him if I could drop my children to him at 9am on Saturday morning (it was already arranged that he was taken them from 6pm Saturday for a family party, and this is not his overnight weekend) so that we and my dp son could get down there by 11am so we can have most the day with them. when I said that I was unsure if ex would agree to this as he is not flexable at all he said to just word the text saying that I was now toing this and that the girls are welcome to come but mean that they wont be home for his family party and it was his call didn't bother me either way.

after I put the phone down I had a think (rushed call at work) and thought it was a little unfair on my children for me,dp and dss to go swanning off to the caravan for the weekend and that they might actually really like to come to ( they love it down there)

so I texted dp saying I would ask kids after work what they would rather do as would hate for them to feel like I was palming them off to go to the caravan and taking dp son along with me.

dp texted back saying that there wasn't room for all of us so if ex didn't agree to having girls then we wont go, I then mentioned how in first convo he gave the impression that my children are welcome and if not that's fine I will stay home and his and his son go down on there own.

thing that bothers me the most is that im pregnant and now wonder if its always going to be me and "our" child invited to his family things along with his son and my children are expected to go off to dads/babysitter etc

this is not the first time this has happened and he often says about going down to see his brother or visit his mum etc and my children are never in the plans at all like the time they booked a family holiday to centre parcs which I was invited on but not my children

AIBU

Lackland Tue 15-Apr-14 21:19:14

No yanbu.

Remind him you and your children come as a package and if they are not welcome then neither are you.

Euphemia Tue 15-Apr-14 21:19:51

How long have you been together? How old are your DDs?

Forgettable Tue 15-Apr-14 21:20:22

Oh dear

I think the message is quite clear

You, the new baby, his child, thumbs up

Your current children, thumbs down

But what to do? Are you financially linked to him, mortgage/joint tenants/joint debts?

Tinkerball Tue 15-Apr-14 21:24:12

This can only get worse after your baby together is born.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 15-Apr-14 21:25:16

So this has happened before and you are aware of how he treats your kids but you decided to still have another child with him?

Rupertandfifi Tue 15-Apr-14 21:25:37

Not sounding great op
sad

CerealMom Tue 15-Apr-14 21:27:52

What currently happens at Christmas and birthdays? Does your DP and his family give presents to your DCs?

If you want your DCs to be fully included you really need to be very clear to DP and his family. I've read too many threads on here about exclusion of children from previous relationships.

GeordieJellybean Tue 15-Apr-14 21:28:04

I can understand there not being much room in the caravan but if your kids are regularly being excluded then it's probably best to address the issue now.

RoaringTiger Tue 15-Apr-14 21:30:28

Yep I wouldn't be happy...in fact I'd be furious. My partner is stepfather to out eldest, if there was even the smallest hint of anything like above if give the 'we are a package or not at all' talk straight off.

Catflap1 Tue 15-Apr-14 21:30:59

my children are all under 10

been together just over 2 years

no financial commitments, don't live together

he now saying he wont go without me when I said him and his son go alone, i know my kids had plans for Saturday evening but IF given the choice they would rather the caravan then i would be reluctant to message ex because if he then says no to having kids then they miss out on not only the party but also the caravan as he is saying we wont go unless they go to their dads

PansOnFire Tue 15-Apr-14 21:33:01

YADNBU, you and your DP need a very long, honest conversation before this goes any further. I agree with Rupert, it doesn't sound good at all.

Perhaps your DP doesn't realise that he's doing this, which would be the best scenario, but whatever the reason it has to stop. You might find more 'solutions' to this over in step parenting, I imagine it's quite a delicate situation.

Catflap1 Tue 15-Apr-14 21:35:13

cereal - my children are given token gifts for xmas, £5 from his mum, selction box from his bro and sil

the caravan actually sleeps 6 in the 3 bedroom then has two double beds in lounge so will sleep 10

the holiday to centre parcs was 1 year into our relationship and i said i wasn't going so him and son went alone

BrianTheMole Tue 15-Apr-14 21:43:18

Not on at all, esp as his son is going. Yanbu.

MidniteScribbler Tue 15-Apr-14 21:43:46

And you chose to reproduce with this pathetic excuse for a man?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 15-Apr-14 21:47:09

Why are you having a baby with this idiot?

Famzilla Tue 15-Apr-14 21:51:23

YANBU.

I was in the position your children are in. My mum remarried and had children with my step dad. His family rarely remembered to give me presents as a child, and if they did it was just a token selection box or something whilst my brother got £100's worth of things. As I got older they didn't even bother putting my name on Christmas cards. Last year SGP's renewed their wedding vows, the whole family was invited apart from me.

My mum never said anything and it really hurt me. Don't let the same happen to your children.

BrokenToeOuch Tue 15-Apr-14 21:53:11

Sorry, but exactly what midnite and Alibaba said. Not helpful, I know, but you asked if YWBU - you're not, not in those circumstances, but this has clearly been going on for a while, and I can't see how you thought it would be a good idea to have a child with him.

SavoyCabbage Tue 15-Apr-14 21:53:55

I nearly cried reading it, your OP. That's just awful expecting you to do things without your children but with his child. And a caravan! Children love caravans.

Even if there wasn't room you squash in or pitch a tent. You don't pick some of your children to go and some to not go on a holiday because there isn't room.

Catflap1 Tue 15-Apr-14 21:54:38

baby wasn't planned, huge shock, i actually made decision to keep baby based on doing it my own as he did not want the baby.

i didn't think i was being unreasonable but wanted to check!

i don't intend to text my ex at all and if he and his son want to go then fine and i intend to have a big chat at weekend about this!

funny thing i just remembered, he has invited his bro,sil and there baby to stay at mine for a weekend in the summer and has also said his son will be there, not sure how he thinks we will fit in 3 bedrooms if we cant fit in 3 in a caravan

Nerf Tue 15-Apr-14 21:58:32

Sorry, your ex is expecting to have his dc at 6pm and you are now considering letting them opt out of seeing their dad and go to the caravan? Bang out of order op.
You don't live with the new bloke but you're having a baby together?
I'm getting old.

coppertop Tue 15-Apr-14 22:04:37

He doesn't live with you but has invited people to stay at your house? shock

Catflap1 Tue 15-Apr-14 22:04:54

nerf was planning on giving my children the option, like i said its not actually there weekend with there dad, dd just came down stairs yesterday saying dad will pick ud up at 6pm on Saturday to take us to so and so party.

yep my choice 100% not to live with dp, i have been alone with my children for 6 years and it works well for me and my children, just because baby wasn't planned or because i don't live with it father i didn't think that was reason enough to end the pregnancy

Catflap1 Tue 15-Apr-14 22:07:45

i know copperpot i was shock to, honestly sometimes i think im over reacting but clearly im not

CoffeeTea103 Tue 15-Apr-14 22:08:46

Op you really need to take some responsibility. You don't live with this man, he didn't want this baby, and you still call him your dp? Are you both even on the same page as to what a relationship is.

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