AIBU to be a bit worried about my friend

(73 Posts)
PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 15-Apr-14 19:59:31

My friend has a DS aged 2 1/2 and a DD aged 3 months. We arranged to meet up last week since I am a teacher and am on holiday. I have no DCs so I arranged to go to her house which is 1 1/2 hours drive away. I repeatedly asked whether I could bring anything but she said no.

I went to her house with DP (also a teacher). She answered the door and let us in to a REALLY messy house. Toys all over the floor, cushions scattered about to the extent we had to pick our way in. Of course this was no problem and understandable due to her having two small DC but it was also quite dirty and my friend has always been very clean and tidy so it was a surprise. I took presents of flowers for her and toys for the DC.

Lunch was tinned chicken soup and one bread roll each. There wasnt enough soup to go round really- her little DS asked for more but there wasn't any sad There was fruit for pudding. No drinks except water. Bear in mind this friend is a keen cook, used to make her own bread and bake a lot. Of course this is bound to be different with two little DCs but I was surprised, if she had nothing in the house,that she didn't take me up on my offer of bringing something.

She has never been a loud person but it was a real struggle to make conversation and we only stayed 2 hours- our total travelling time was more than the time we spent there. I texted to say how nice it was to see her and she texted back agreeing, but said nothing about the presents I took. Again this is out of character.

My AIBU is, does all this sound normal or should I be worried that my friend has PND or similar? Never having had my own DCs, I'm not sure but it is niggling at me.

BuzzardBird Tue 15-Apr-14 20:02:45

Is she single? Was bear a typo?

ApocalypseNowt Tue 15-Apr-14 20:03:00

I don't have any experience of PND but it is a big change going from 1dc to 2. If the youngest is only 3mo she's probably still finding her feet. Could you try and arrange a time to meet when it's just you and your friend? She might feel more able to open up in that situation.

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 15-Apr-14 20:04:08

No she has a DH but he was at work. He is a nice guy as far as I know but I don't know him very well.
Bear wasn't a typo! Why would it be?

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 15-Apr-14 20:05:43

I wish I could but I don't drive and it's difficult to get to her house by public transport. But if I thought it would help, I would.

17leftfeet Tue 15-Apr-14 20:06:10

It could be pnd or it could be the shock of going from one dc to two

What was her appearance like? Was she clean, hair brushed etc

Itsfab Tue 15-Apr-14 20:07:33

When you don't have children NOTHING can prepare you for your world being turned upside down when baby two comes along. And I say this as a very experienced nanny.

A small person needs a lot of attention and everything else can just fall by the way side.

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 15-Apr-14 20:08:31

Yes she was presentable and clean, so were the DCs.

WipsGlitter Tue 15-Apr-14 20:09:01

It should be bare not bear.

But yes, possibly PND. two hours us a long time for a visit. Maintain contact. Are you close to her DH?

thegreylady Tue 15-Apr-14 20:09:50

It does sound as though she is struggling a bit, it made pnd alarm bells ring for me. Why would anyone think 'bear' in that context was a typo? I am confused by that comment.

"bear in mind"
No, it should be "bear"
OP is right

thegreylady Tue 15-Apr-14 20:10:50

Of course it shouldn'tbe 'bare'!
Bare means naked!

Cookiepants Tue 15-Apr-14 20:10:54

Sorry Wips but bear is right.

PollyCazaletWannabe Tue 15-Apr-14 20:10:57

Sorry but it shouldn't be bare! Bear is correct.

Sadly I barely (!) know her DH. I was thinking of contacting him but I have no means of doing so.

wolfwhistler Tue 15-Apr-14 20:11:16

She may have felt unable to chat freely with your partner there, its always awkward to discuss stuff if him indoors is earwigging

maybe she is a bit pushed for money and far too proud to ask you to bring groceries otherwise you might be on MN telling all and sundry how you were invited to lunch and had to take your own!

I is wun so I no

IneedAwittierNickname Tue 15-Apr-14 20:12:04

I agree, could be pnd. Would you be able to meet away from the dc? To talk I mean.

(i thought it was bear)

Cookiepants Tue 15-Apr-14 20:12:12

However to answer the OP in is possible your friend is struggling, keep offering you're support.

27onesies Tue 15-Apr-14 20:12:18

I had PND after DS1 and not only did my house look the same, I felt no emotional connection to my baby (I always attended to his needs!) and I honestly would not be bothered with the way my house, me or anything else looked to other people. It could be PND but from my experience of it I also would have made up some lame excuse to avoid seeing you.

It is awful and I would call her when you have a chance and ask if everything is okay.

Can you call her and talk to her in more detail?

thegreylady Tue 15-Apr-14 20:13:11

'Bear' can be the animal or to carry something or to put up with it. You bear a load, or bear the brunt or bear in mind!
Making an error is always excusable but to correct someone who is right is a bit off.

grr wot she said
glacier mint anyone?

Keep in regular contact, maybe arrange a girls night out?
It's a shame you live so far away as you probably feel a bit helpless.
I have a 4 yo DS who will be 5 when my second DS arrives, even that scares me I cannot imagine how difficult it is to have two so young. Being pregnant for 18 months in the last 3 years and having two very small demanding children.
She looked presentable and so did the children which is a good sign. Did she seem to be coping with the DC ok whilst you were there?
I would imagine, like others have said she is just finding her feet with having two but keep in regular contact.

MeanwhileHighAboveTheField Tue 15-Apr-14 20:18:10

"bear in mind" is correct "bare in mind" is certainly not!

PolkaSpottyDotty Tue 15-Apr-14 20:18:40

The state of the house wouldn't worry me, no. I've seen a couple of ultra minimal friends relinquish their beautifully presented homes to their children smile

The food issue would make me wonder if all was OK. Was she expecting your DH?

I'd maintain regular contact, keep a good relationship and be there for her if / when she needs you.

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