To be narked by sister

(47 Posts)

I pick my DNephews up from school (by walking, no car) and feed them once a week. However my BIL (who has their car) never picks them up. My DH ends up taking them home when he gets home from work.
This week I said to my DSis that DH couldn't do it, BIL would have to.
DSis says oh BIL is really busy at work , he's working really hard so it will be really late, don't know when he can get them.
My DH is also really busy, works really hard and gets in late. Why should he miss part of his evening with me and own DCs to be ferrying DNephews about? We are doing them the favour, looking after and feeding their children. (and get no thanks) and they don't think it is their responsibility to collect their children but expect us to take them home.
Don't want an argument as we have illness in the immediate family so a family fall out won't help but how can I get them to see that they need to start taking responsibility for their own children? This is just one example of many.
I have a very good relationship with my DNephews and due to circumstances in family I can't stop the arrangement to look after them so stopping that isn't an option.

DoItTooJulia Tue 15-Apr-14 18:35:11

You need to be straightforward with your dsis.

We love having Dns, but they will need to be collected by x time.

No need to fall out or anything simply tell her.

Good luck

ICanSeeTheSun Tue 15-Apr-14 18:36:39

Start charging per hour

Valdeeves Tue 15-Apr-14 18:37:33

Yep - or ask her when she is going to return the favour?

FourForksAche Tue 15-Apr-14 18:41:09

yanbu, could you stop the arrangement? Is BIL actually available at the times you need him to take his kids back or is this why you're minding them?

Oooh charging by the hour! Love that. Might charge in chocolate. Or wine.
Favour will not be returned. I am a soft touch! I wouldn't expect her to deliver my DC if she was babysitting anyway, I know it's my responsibility to drop off and collect.

BIL is easily available, but puts work above all else. His work is more important than anyone else's work it seems.
I can't stop as DSis would turn to
DParents instead and that is where the illness is. I want DParents to be able to relax.

YouTheCat Tue 15-Apr-14 18:49:31

Your dsis would turn to your ill parents? I'd give her the number of a local childminder and spell it out to her - she is to either sort out collecting her children or find other childcare that aren't your parents.

Jinty64 Tue 15-Apr-14 18:54:29

How old are they? Could they go home in a booked taxi every week?

diddl Tue 15-Apr-14 18:54:46

Tell her it doesn't work anymore & she/her husband will have to collect from school.

Why does BIL have to collect/your husband take them?

Suefla62 Tue 15-Apr-14 18:58:24

Why can't your sister pick up?

She could by walking, BIL has car.
DNs are getting to age where they can soon start to walk home themselves I think (unless it is dark/horrible weather) so that will solve that.
I think what narks me is that she doesn't think it is her job to sort out how her children gets home, I have to sort it out. She doesn't even ask if I will do it, she just assumes. I don't hear a peep from her, I have to call her to sort out any arrangements. And I am the one helping her, not the only way round. And if asked to do her bit she gets all put out and says she's busy. As if I am not busy!

ThePriory Tue 15-Apr-14 19:37:52

It's fairly outrageous behavior on their part! U r being walked all over. Literally a quick-
"This isn't working anymore, you are taking me for granted. You say u r are busy, your DH works, well I am also busy and MY DH works too. Please organize your own children's day-to-day arrangements, I am happy to help out in emergencies"
No need 4 a big blow-out just be assertive!

DoJo Tue 15-Apr-14 20:00:00

I agree that you are being too nice about this - tell her that unless she or BIL can collect them, you will put them in a taxi that she will have to pay for at the other end. If her husband is working too hard to pick them up, then presumably he's earning enough to pay someone to bring them home!

diddl Tue 15-Apr-14 20:16:23

What happens the rest of the week?

Why do you do it on this one day?

Tell her that it stops after the holiday.

But really, you contact her to see if she wants her kids collecting??!!

whatsonyourplate Tue 15-Apr-14 20:23:09

What would happen if your DH didn't take them home? How late would it get before they rang you or came to get them? I know it would be pain but I'm wondering if you did that a few times they might get the point, or are they too thick skinned?

diddl Tue 15-Apr-14 20:28:12

"What would happen if your DH didn't take them home?"

They'd stay overnight??!!

PurplePidjin Tue 15-Apr-14 20:32:03

I'd stop calling. Let the school call her when they aren't collected. "But, dsis, I assumed you didn't need me to because you didn't say anything?"

<whistling innocently emoticon>

diddl Tue 15-Apr-14 20:34:52

Actually, yes.

If you usually phone to organise it, just don't phone.

MaryWestmacott Tue 15-Apr-14 20:39:46

I think you need to tell her if she wants you to pick her DCs up for free then she has to make it easy for you, otherwise you're going to stop altogether and she can start using a childminder. Tell her she's taking the piss (actually say that, don't sugar coat it), that you don't mind helping out but she really should realise her children are her and BIL's responsibility, not yours, not your parents, her and BIL's responsibility to sort.

Also tell her when you say this you'll think very badly of her if she dumps this on your parents when she knows they aren't able to do it. (Also might be worth caling your parents first telling them what you are going to say and that they should hold the line and say no too). She can pay a childminder.

You can stop this arrangement. If you don't want to, that's a different problem, but you could stop and talk to your parents to get them to agree as well to say no, there are after school clubs, there are childminders, BIL could look after his own DCs, there are options other than 'get someone else to do it for me'.

maddening Tue 15-Apr-14 20:57:46

Why can't dsis pick them up if bil is working?

She is working which is why I pick them up. Her in laws do one day and she does one day (works part time).

Excellent suggestions. I just won't phone! Yes, I think it would get quite late and then I would probably get earache from her because they have school next day and can't stay up late!

I don't want to bother my parents as they hate any family conflict and they don't need the stress.

But not phoning and then acting all innocent and guileless is the way to go I think.

Easter break now but after the hols I will give it a go.

FourForksAche Tue 15-Apr-14 21:55:38

I disagree with the not phoning, potential rod for your own back and a bit PA.

How about laying it out straight, " I am willing to collect, mind and feed your kids after school on agreed day. You must sort out getting them back home. If it doesn't suit, make other arrangements."

breeds less trouble and upset to be assertive in the first place and set out what you're willing to do.

mimishimmi Tue 15-Apr-14 23:13:36

My guess is that they are not picking up their kids themselves because they are quite happy to leave the DN's for as long as possible with you, even if they are not at work (they can do shopping, meet up with friend etc). Personally I would stop doing it even given the illness with your parents. If your parents aren't aware of the situation, let them know that Dsis/BiL never picks up so that if they are asked, they can make an informed decision about it. If you really don't mind having your nephews over I guess I wouldn't run them home, just let her come and get them whatever hour that may be. You'd have to be careful with that though because they might just see it as more convenient to leave them with you overnight and get you to run them to school the next day too! YANBU to be cross, there has been a big increase in this sort of pisstaking of late I've noticed - even from non-family!!!!

I see benefits of both sides, being passive aggressive and being assertive.
My DSis just doesn't care. She is one of those who just thinks I am being awkward if I am assertive with her. I always end up feeling like I am causing a fuss and get the blame for rocking the boat.
I really don't mind my DNs being at my house, they are lovely boys and no trouble at all. It's my DSis and BIL attitude that rankles.
They do stay overnight at weekends sometimes! And we run them home otherwise they would never come for them!
I either have to let it go, or be firm, or do the PA route.

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