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AIBU?

To not invite my family to DS's Christening.

135 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 15/04/2014 02:47

Me and DH have a 3 week old baby and the subject of getting him Christened was raised a lot during the pregnancy. My DH is eager to get it done whereas I'm not. Neither me or DH are remotely religious and he only wants it done to open up schooling options. Although he did once say his parents would be disappointed if we didn't Christen DS.

After numerous discussions I have said that seeing as DH is so adamant then he can get DS Christened. I actually googled whether both parents need to be there because the whole farce of it does not appeal to me at all. Unfortunately I would have to be present.

All of my family are non-religious. When I told my mom we were getting DS Christened she pulled a face and said, "You don't expect me to be there do you?" I absolutely don't and told her this. I said I wouldn't be going if I had a choice.

To be honest none of my family would be interested - I'd be embarrassed at making them sit through it - so I've told my DH I probably won't even invite them.

DH was not too impressed.

But seriously, I'm not religious and don't believe in the Ceremony and nor do my family so what's the issue if they're not there?

As far as I'm concerned it can just be me through force, DH, his parents and the people he wants as Godparents. I've said there's no way we're making a big song and dance about it. Definitely no gifts or after party

I'm cringing at just the thought of it all....

OP posts:
Hebburnisaplaceonearth · 15/04/2014 02:50

It's completely ridiculous to get your DS christened at all if neither if you believe in it.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/04/2014 02:51

My point exactly!!!

OP posts:
Littledidsheknow · 15/04/2014 02:56

You're doing your family a favour if you - and they - feel this way. It'd be better not to invite yourself too, though. I think, however, that a certain amount of churchgoing may be more of a requisite for getting your child into your local church school!

Thumbwitch · 15/04/2014 02:59

If your DH is so keen to make it a big "thing", it sounds to me as though there's more to it than just "opening up school options" for him. Maybe he still has latent beliefs, inherited from his parents? Or is he just worried about what they'll think/say?

I wanted to get my DS1 christened because, although I'm not a big church goer, it was just something I wanted done (not just for my father, for me too) - whereas DH was like you, and only went along with it under sufferance. But I didn't bug him about inviting any of his family, I knew he was only doing it to please me and felt no need to increase his discomfort. We did have a party but only friends and my family - he was ok with it. But he won't let me get DS2 christened, which makes me a bit sad.

In essence then, YANBU - I didn't invite any friends or family who would have been uncomfortable in a church setting (apart from DH) and nor should you have to.

RedFocus · 15/04/2014 07:40

I've never understood why people get their dc christened even though they themselves are not religious and don't even attend Church. Blush

aquashiv · 15/04/2014 07:45

I don't understand why you send your child to a Christian school with your complete disdain for the faith.
How confusing for your kids.

Lilaclily · 15/04/2014 07:46

You have to attend church / Sunday school to get into a faith school where I live

ChickyEgg · 15/04/2014 07:47

Neither of my DC are christened. We are not religious and thought it would be hypocritical to have a ceremony neither of us believed in.

Is he set on your child going to a faith school?

firesidechat · 15/04/2014 07:49

My husband and I are Christians and we didn't have our children christened and christenings make me a bit uncomfortable, so I can sympathise.

Does it really make a difference to school options? It may well do, but a significant difference?

Anyway that's not what you asked. I completely agree with you OP, but not sure if that will help you at all.

eurochick · 15/04/2014 07:49

How ridiculous. As others have said a baptism won't grant entry to a faith school anyway. Your family should be grateful for you keeping them away from this farce. In your shoes I would feel massively uncomfortable about saying all the renouncing the devil stuff and so on.

CSIJanner · 15/04/2014 07:51

YANBU

Is your DH Catholic or CofE? Because it only really makes a difference if the former. Church of England schools in my area are open to all and school entry is decided on distance as opposed to religious beliefs. Your DH can also attend CofE church with your DS semi regularly before he's of school age so he can apply for a supporting letter from the vicar.

FTR I'm RC as are my DC's but that's because of my own personal beliefs. DH didn't care really but I would not have had them baptised had he been opposed to it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/04/2014 07:54

We didn't christen our children despite my parents judging me for my resistance.

The school we sent them to was an outstanding CoE, it was on our doorstep so they went there.

There was no issue.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/04/2014 07:55

Afaik christening doesn't affect your chances of getting into a faith school. For ours, you need to attend church at least twice a month for a year. Christening isn't mentioned on the form.

However, I think this is wrong, wrong, wrong. a church is not the place to lie whether you believe or not.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/04/2014 07:55

Cross post with CSI.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/04/2014 07:56

Oh and yanbu

DraggingDownDownDown · 15/04/2014 07:56

My children are not christened and attend a CoE school (closest school) but if over subscribed church attendance is priority. Being christened doesn't matter.

MrsGeneKelly · 15/04/2014 07:58

Naw, they already told you they aren't interested, why out them on the spot?

puntasticusername · 15/04/2014 08:00

Congratulations on your lovely baby, OP Thanks

In your position, I'd suggest being very honest with the priest when you meet him/her to discuss the christening. I know one who would flatly refuse to christen a child whose mother feels the way you do about it. This may, of course, more ructions with your husband if he thinks you've stitched things up deliberately...

HmmAnOxfordComma · 15/04/2014 08:09

Yeah, I would double check that christening your Ds would make any difference to school options at all. In our county, only the (3or 4) Catholic schools have religious criteria. The CofE ones don't at all; they're all village schools and take purely on catchment. You can check the admissions policies on the authority's website.

If it makes no difference, at least you and dh can have a proper conversation about his reasons for wanting Ds christened when you are both atheist.

And, no, stick to your guns about not asking your family.

ceres · 15/04/2014 08:14

we got married in church. I am rc but non practising, dh doesn't have any religion. I was quite happy to get married in a civil ceremony but dh wanted to get married in church. our priest (actually a canon) was completely fine about it.

op - i would check again whether you need to be there. i think you certainly would need to give consent but may not need to be physically present. of course you would need to consider how this may make your dh feel and, in years to come, how your child might feel about you not being there - it may not be an issue at all.

onetiredmummy · 15/04/2014 08:21

My dc's are at a faith school (long story, I'm appealing to have them moved) and I'm atheist.

If you wish a child to be admitted to this school on the grounds of faith, then the admission process is different and you need a formal letter from your parish vicar as evidence of your church attendance. Christening has nothing to do with it, neither of my dc's are christened as there's no point promising a god I don't believe in that the children will live in a faith I don't believe in.

Sounds as if your chap is under pressure from his parents.

onetiredmummy · 15/04/2014 08:22

The school is c of e, should have said ....

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jaynebxl · 15/04/2014 08:26

Like someone else asked, why would you want the door open to a faith school if you don't share that faith anyway? Genuine question.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/04/2014 08:30

I suspect this is more about keeping his parents happy than schooling.

minecraftismysaviour · 15/04/2014 08:37

how do single parents get their kids christened? surely dh would just do it that way...
pil wanted this and dp wanted it 'just in case.' I flatly refused and called them a bunch of hypocrites as the only time they go near a church is weddings and funerals. I would rather have had dc brought into rc than ce church by their church going friends than let them do it as lip service. yanbu.
this makes my blood boilAngry

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