To be very annoyed at my SIL

(59 Posts)
PenguinBear Sun 13-Apr-14 10:07:05

we have an eldery relative in hospital (they are coming out soon and in good health). SIL lives 10minutes away and has grown up children so can pop to see him much more easily than us although she only goes once or twice a week herself. We live 90miles away and have young DC.

SIL rings this morning to see if we were planning to visit today. I said no as we'd already planned a day out and were going next week and were going to take him an Easter egg etc. she then tells me that she told him we would all be visiting today and she'd have to ring the hospital and tell him we weren't coming.

AIBU to be annoyed at her for this? I know she judges me terribly as I don't go every week but we really can't afford the petrol and it's so hard to find the time as I have so much work to do for work at the weekend. It takes all day so it's hard to go more than once every 2 weeks. He has 6 family members nearby who visit at the weekends and in the week so he's not alone.

She doesn't understand the fact that work (I'm a teacher) will not give me a day off to go and visit hmm

We've cancelled our plans and of course are going to visit today as I don't want him to be disappointed.

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 15-Apr-14 08:19:21

I know why. It's because she hasn't got a younger sister to bully, and her brother has kindly provided her with one.

DW is a younger sister, and my function along with DBIL, is to fend off her sister's attempts to crush her.

PenguinBear Tue 15-Apr-14 08:54:30

There is quite an age gap (15 years) between me and SIL and I think part of dp (and me) feels that we should respect her as she'a older. Plus she used to babysit my DP a lot when he was young so she treats him more like her son than her brother in terms of telling him what to do.

Fairenuff Tue 15-Apr-14 09:05:50

OP you've given a reason why you both let her tell you want to do. So it's sorted then? You are going to carry on like this, with her telling you want to do because it suits all of you?

PenguinBear Tue 15-Apr-14 12:05:14

I've asked DP to ring her tonight. If he won't, I will!

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 20:29:47

Are you sure she oesn't understand about not getting time off work?
It would seem she's signed you up for a visit in the hols, not in term time.
I agree that's not on, if you hadn't said you were going though.

You've explained why,iyo, your DP nd you feel compelled to do as SIL asks, but not why he doesn't deal with his dais, or why e cat just go and visit his dad to augment the visits you already do.
I wonder whether she is just feeling the longer term burden of being the older sib and close to elderly relatives.
I k ow its really hard with small dcs. But I think it will surprise you, when yours are older, quite how much of your life they still occupy.

ADishBestEatenCold Tue 15-Apr-14 20:40:04

"I've asked DP to ring her tonight. If he won't, I will!"

Is this 'elderly relative' your DP's father, PenguinBear?

If so, I think your DP really should be the one to ring his sister. in addition to your DP saying his piece (about your SIL making arrangements for you without asking), they do surely need to discuss their father's ongoing care and/or support needs.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 15-Apr-14 20:47:31

Yes, surely he should call. This is their father yes?
Not so that you don't have to be involved, but so htt your DP is involved.

ADishBestEatenCold Tue 15-Apr-14 21:26:14

Also, I do sort of wonder why (if this is his father) your DP hadn't previously communicated with his sister to establish who was going to be available to be there for their father coming home, when he came out of hospital.

soundevenfruity Tue 15-Apr-14 21:42:38

She might be concerned that all the looking after DFL will fall on her and is trying to make sure (awkwardly) that you know that your family will have to pull your weight. I think it's quite well known that sons leave caring for elderly parents to their sisters. 15 years gap is quite a lot so she might not be in the best of health but then you have a young family and leave further away so it has to be balanced. They need to discuss it between themselves and if they expect you to help out then they have to involve you in the discussion. If you start proving a point to your SIL every time you are going to hurt your FIL and it's a sad thing to be shown that you are a burden to your family. I would think about what would've happened if it was you father and what you would be prepared to do for him in this situation.

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