To be hurt and angry by dh and sil

[scaredoflabour]

Right, I know I only have myself to blame... but.... looked at dh phone and found a message from sil (who is insanely skinny btw) continuing a discussion about my weight and discussing me getting back into shape!

My dd (third dc) is 3 months and I have put o weight over the last 5 years as I've had my dc. I was always a bit chubby, about a size 14 when I met dh and am now realistically a size 18

I know that I need to do something about my weight but feel so hurt that dh is discussing this with others. I also feel embarrassed and ashamed.

We are supposed to be having a family get together next weekend with sil + her bf and dh' cousin and her dh (who is also model like thin) and I just don't think I can face it. I want to hide.

My dd christening is also less than a month away and I'm now seriously considering cancelling it. I can't stand the thought of having to stand up in front of everyone knowing they're thinking how fat I've got.

[Mrswellyboot]

Oh no. Why are they doing that 12 weeks after birth? I battle with my weight and I hated people commenting on it when I couldn't shift it.

I would be very, very hurt. I have lost it now but it takes time and support.

[RandomMess]

Ow that must really really hurt. I think you need to talk to your dh and tell him how you feel about of all this.

[MrsDrRanj]

YANBU how nasty.

Does your 'D'H know you've seen these messages? I can't imagine a genuine good reason for this discussion to have taken place.

[passmethewineplease]

YANBU, I would be incredibly hurt and pissed off.

12 weeks post birth and they're discussing this?!

[scaredoflabour]

No he doesn't know I know and I can't really think of a way of discussing how hurt I am without admitting I've looked (which he'd go ballistic at!)

[Mintyy]

Yanbu. Why on earth was he discussing your weight with his sister?? How dreadful!

[cottonwoolmum]

Hi OP.

That must have been so upsetting. That's a horrible thing to have read. But please don't think that's the only thing they think of you. They probably think lots of great things about you too.

It's possible they are concerned about your weight for lots of reasons, far more complicated than just your size. They could be concerned about your health or energy levels, or how you'll cope with small DC, as it is harder when you have extra weight.

Your DH could be concerned that the extra weight will have impact on your love life. It's easy to feel unattractive and push DH away if you don't feel confident about your weight. And that leads to knock on problems. It may even be that he is worried he won't find the extra weight attractive. That's one of the hardest things to accept as it feels like a rejection. But it doesn't mean you aren't attractive - only that the extra weight isn't.

Can you try to be honest with yourself and work out how you feel about your weight. Do you feel happy with it or do their comments reflect your own feelings? If they do, maybe it's time to look at ways you can get back into shape, that are healthy not punishing regimes. If, when you meet up at the christening, you have lost a few pounds and they know you are taking care of your health, then anyone who criticised you or was anything other than supportive would be a fool.

[Nomama]

Phone left in full view? Maybe in the way when you were tidying? Go mini ballistic first:


I moved it out of the way and the screen lit up and there the message was.... you are a complete tit to be discussing my weight with your sister, how could you? How do you expect me to sit next to your sister when she will be looking at me like 'that? OMG DH how could you? I mean, I have hatched 3 kids out of this body. What the hell were you thinking?

Of course I fucking looked, you twat, I was shocked, embarrassed and very bloody angry. I feel very let down by you, betrayed. Do you think I do not know that I am not stick thin? Do you think I have lost the ability to look in a bloody mirror?

It is bad enough that you think I am fat without having to put up with your entire bloody family judging me. You were/are entirely out of order, wrong, judgemental and don't even think about changing the subject and moaning that I looked at your phone.

How are you going to make this right WITH ME?


Then wait... in silence... total silence... let him work through it all... see what he says!

[scaredoflabour]

I know I need to 'get in shape' cottonwool but that doesn't make it any easier to know my 'd'h has been discussing it with his family. I'm bf dc3 and have pcos and underactive thyroid so find it very hard to keep my weight down. I feel ashamed of my body and now I feel that he's ashamed of me too.

Wish I had the balls nomama

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

Hide your phone, tell him you couldn't find it so you used his to text someone and that's how you found it?

[Nomama]

Once, many years ago, OP, I had a similar conversation with mine. It completely changed the dynamic of our relationship... for the better.

I keep hoping that others can have the same experience as I did. It is a pity that you can't. Maybe that is part of your wider problem? Couldn't even have a quieter version...

Love, I feel entirely fat and frumpy and need some support from you. I know you are unhappy with the way I look, I am too. But I need support and help to get me motivated, as the mum of 3 with very little spare anything for myself. Could you help? Set aside a regular time to mind the kids whilst I do something for me, paying for membership somewhere, finding a while family activity etc, etc, etc.

[scaredoflabour]

I think you're right Nomama It is part of a wider problem. I get the feeling that 'd'h's view of me has been in decline since the birth of our first dc.
He thinks because I'm on mat leave I'm lazy if the house isn't spotless at all times 'as his mother would have had it when they were kids'

[scaredoflabour]

I was a professional woman when we met. Now I'm just a fat, failing housewife in his eyes.

[carabos]

Define "insanely skinny".

I don't think you can directly challenge your DH about the text as admitting you snooped hands him the moral high ground. However, you can use what you know to change things in the way you want to change them.

Take control, do whatever it is you want to do about your weight and believe that he/they have your best interests at heart. You have no evidence to suggest otherwise.

[cankles]

Scaredoflabour, presumably dh looks like Dr Chris from Bondi vet then??

Seriously, though, you are not failing at anything. Having a family is a major shift in lifestyle and it happens OVERNIGHT.

You've read a text, it's not the end of the world even though it might feel like it. Your feelings have been hurt but use it in this way:

So, you've said you need to lose weight, that you actually want to get in better shape. How can dh support you to do this? Now you have the opportunity to ask and better than that - you can now do a bit of planning. Be realistic - if you don't have much time - go for a walk and build it up - find someone to do it with - perhaps dh would be interested? or maybe a mate.

Everything might feel a bit insurmountable at the moment dc is very young at 12wks, seriously if you want to make a plan of action then do cancel the christening until you feel ready and are in a better place to enjoy it.

I am sure you are doing a fantastic job and don't listen to critical voices it says more about your dh and sil than it does about you x

[scaredoflabour]

Insanely skinny = Sil went up to about a size 8/10 when pregnant!
Normally size 6 to 8.

[Calloh]

Firstly don't feel ashamed of your body - look at what it's let you do - you have three children, you are breast-feeding one. Your body is great. Feeling rubbish about it will not help.

I think one way or another you need to tell your dickhead DH that you saw the message, otherwise it will simmer inside you and make you feel really dreadful.

I just don't get why one person's weight is anyone else's business, apart from maybe their partner's, and I am afraid I massively judge SIL for discussing it.

[Calloh]

But yes, I agree with No and Cankles that you could use it as an opportunity to ask for support from your DH if you want it.

[BornFreeButinChains]

scared

I had to walk down aisle a good three stone over weight, and MIL who is scathing about FAT people sat there, and sil; who does triathlons there too....( I didnt want them there)...

I do feel your pain, if my DH had written the texts I would be so hurt.

I also have PCOS.

Its more the DH I would be upset with here, who cares what sil thinks?

I do not think you should put yourself through a family meet if you think its going to cause more stress....simply do what you want if you dont want to go.

Anyway 1) your DH needs to know you feel upset about this...or about how he perceives your weight if you dont want to let him know you saw the texts...


2) forget about sil but dont see her if you thikn its going to be stressful for you.

3) start to loose weight! it will only get harder as you get older. PCoS makes it loads harder but not impossible. use your anger towards them as motivation. ( but dont tell them you are ttying to loose it....)

[BornFreeButinChains]

sorry forgot to add, as your DH is so upset about your weight, get yourself a PT trainer in for a few weeks to get you going at his expense...

[MexicanSpringtime]

Look on it as a health issue, not something about who you are. If someone you loved was smoking and drinking too much, I imagine you would comment about it with another person who loved them.

You have gone up from 14 to 18 in 5 years. If you don't change something who's to know you won't be size 22 in another 5 years time and then you won't be up to doing exercise, your knees will be affected, as will your heart.

[diddl]

"He thinks because I'm on mat leave I'm lazy if the house isn't spotless at all times 'as his mother would have had it when they were kids'"

Oh dear lord!

And don't tell me "overweight=lazy".

He sounds horribly shallow.

[weneedtotalkaboutschriver]

I don't know who is irritating me more, your DH and DSiL or the posters on here seeking to justify them, clearly believing that there is no greater sin than that of being overweight.


If your DH and DSiL have your best interests at heart (and I hope they do) then they should be talking to you about it not amongst themselves.

I bet you look great!

[cottonwoolmum]

Scared really sorry if you thought I was judging you too. It's so hard to lose weight after a birth but especially so with PCOS and under active thyroid. I was just trying to suggest that maybe there were elements of their discussion that were genuine concern, not critical comment, but only you know that.

[cottonwoolmum]

weneedtotalk but isn't this the whole problem. When people are fat, no one dares say so. It is said to be a hurtful comment, when it's merely a fact, that if someone is overweight, they are fat. I am fat. I don't have any problem whatsoever with people calling me fat. People fall over themselves to tell me I'm not. It's hilarious. I know my BMI. I'm overweight. at one point I was close to obese, in medical terms. Part of it is due to meds which have a weight gain side effect, part due to aging and part due to v sedentary lifestyle and eating as much as two growing teen boys and a ^'3" DH when I'm a foot shorter than him. I can't do anything about the meds or aging but can do a lot about activity levels and diet. They're my responsibility. My body is my responsibility.

It really doesn't help people who are overweight to get all sensitive about it and feel others have no right to even notice it. If we are honest with ourselves about our bodies and allow others to be honest too, then we are well on the way to having a healthy relationship with our weight problem. The more it becomes the problem which cannot be mentioned, the more in denial we are. No one on this thread has suggested 'there is no greater sin'. That kind of massive over reaction to straight talking does no one any favours.