AIBU To NOT want to accept things from my MIL graciously?

(114 Posts)
Polarn Fri 11-Apr-14 18:33:00

Okay, okay, I know! I should be grateful that I have a nice MIL! But.....

She doesn't half buy us lots when she visits! I always just accept them and say thank you, but then moan to my OH about it later! He has told her in the past to stop but she doesn't listen, which is why I've eneded up just accepting. But it's driving me nuts! She comes maybe once a couple of months and the things she brings:

Food stuff for our cupboards, which is lovely but it''s usually the brands we don't buy like different teabags/beans etc... (Sounds really petty but I like my homecomforts and the brand I use are part of this. Plus I then begrudge buying what I like as I know I have 12 tins of Morrison's own beans in the cupboard!..... She also buys us bio detergent but I only use non-bio and feel a bit petty asking her to buy the other stuff when she's just being generous!

She buys us ALOT of crap! As in chocolates/biscuits/sweets for kids/fizzy drinks in 12can packs/fruit shoots for kids etc.... We don't generally have stuff like this in our house. We'll buy the odd cake or pack of biscuits as a one off treat but we don't buy it all the time as then we won't be tempted!..... I don't want to throw away the stuff she buys so I end up giving it away to people. It's either that or I eat the lot! I'm sure I put on a stone the last time they were here!

The last one bugs me the most. I should just be happy that she is spoiling the kids like GPs do. But every visit involves presents for DCs to open (clothes & toys).... They don't need any of it and her taste in clothing is completely different to mine!.... It's turning my DC in to expectant spoilt brats when they arrive!

I have tried asking not to in the past but it falls on deaf ears, so I now begrudgingly accept graciously!

Please tell my that IABU but also that I am not the only one out there that feels like this!

mercibucket Fri 11-Apr-14 18:36:26

foodbank the food

accept gifts graciously. you can rotate them or give old ones away

YABU. Very.

Give food and cleaning stuff to the local food bank if you don't want it.

The toys and clothes equally can be given to someone who needs it. Or you could keep them. I don't think it will ruin your dcs.

In the meantime it makes your MIL feel she is part of their lives and your life. It makes her happy and you sound quite selfish.

tigermoll Fri 11-Apr-14 18:38:32

I know how you feel. My soi disant mil does this and you know what? It's totally fine just to stick the whole lot in the bin when she's gone. It's no more of a waste to throw food away than it is to eat something you don't want.

PearlieQueen Fri 11-Apr-14 18:38:34

YABU. Accept with good grace then donate to food bank/charity shop

pianodoodle Fri 11-Apr-14 18:40:40

At least she's nice though!

I wouldn't mind the food at all. The presents to open I understand what you mean PIL do this every fortnight and the house is coming down with crap.

We all have to sit around and watch DD open the presents.

She will start to associate them with getting stuff plus I don't see the need for it anyway.

DH has spoken to them but apparently "that's what grandparents do" - they'd be better off spending actual time with her as they know very little about her to be honest. They bring stuff, take a few photos of themselves with her and that's it!

PearlieQueen Fri 11-Apr-14 18:40:47

Good god tigermoll, how can throwing away food ever be a good thing when people are going without?

littledrummergirl Fri 11-Apr-14 18:47:53

Sounds like my mil. I refuse to buy biscuits other than for school and know which brands I like.
We have solved this by:
Being very firm over what I will not allow dcs to wear, eg crop tops. This is easier now the dcs are older because they only wear what they like.
Allowing her to take the dcs shopping for clothes, shoes etc. I hate shopping and pick things up in the sales so its a proper treat for them. Ds1 in particular is vocal about where we source clothes- refusing to wear gap, tesco amongst others.
I let the dcs and dh have the biscuits. They like them and its only every few months.
Other brands are great for school fetes, harvest festival.
Mil now tells us that she wants to buy our supply cupboard so we go together to our shop.
Mil is lovely, she is just different to me. She loves her family very much and this is her way of showing she cares.
Fwiw it used to drive me nuts.

YouTheCat Fri 11-Apr-14 18:50:48

Definitely food bank anything you don't want.

Andanotherthing123 Fri 11-Apr-14 18:51:48

Yabu considering she visits 6 times a year and you say she's a nice person. Also, beware only having cakes and treats as a one off - I knew siblings who grew up in a household like that and they spent their adult lives searching for their next sugary fix.

Polarn Fri 11-Apr-14 18:55:07

Thanks smile.... I do sound selfish! But I'm not, I just get fed up of spending a fortune on food, then her turning up with more that I don't like.... it'd be different if she asked me what we'd like or if it was okay to do it but she doesn't I will food bank, great idea smile

O piano the presents thing really does bug me! My DC are starting to associate her with presents. I've asked her not to but she does anyway. I've tried explaining that she is encouraging the sort of relationship were they just expect something off her. She doesn't spend much time with them doing stuff, when they do it is mainly playing with toys! Grrr.

Discombobulatedbob Fri 11-Apr-14 18:59:34

What s great idea to give stuff to the food bank. We aren't picky esters but would want to eat healthily too so would pass things on too.

Polarn Fri 11-Apr-14 18:59:38

andanother they may only come 6 times a yr but they stay for 2weeks! Popping presents & chocs out every couple of days....it's infuriating.

DCs also have treats more often, usually when we're out and about. I just don't like stockpiling them in the house where they're easily accessible.

Delphiniumsblue Fri 11-Apr-14 19:01:44

The food bank is the answer.

rinabean Fri 11-Apr-14 19:04:31

They stay for 2 weeks 6 times a year, ie they stay for nearly a quarter of the year? Omg

Polarn Fri 11-Apr-14 19:12:36

yes rinabean It's exhausting. Luckily they have a touring caravan so stay in that in a site 5mins down the road but they insist on seeing us all the time. I've now put my foot down about evenings and we only eat dinner with them a few times.... I keep telling them to go out for days out and explore the area but they never do!

TheHappyMonkey Fri 11-Apr-14 19:20:11

12 weeks a year of visiting?! That is properly batshit!

Kittymautz Fri 11-Apr-14 19:25:42

Tigermoll - of course it's a waste to throw away food!

Agree with other posters, anything you don't want, take to the food bank.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 11-Apr-14 19:31:27

It's totally fine just to stick the whole lot in the bin when she's gone

No, it really isn't. Unless the food is fresh and going to go off (in which case give it to friends) it's really wrong to throw away food. What a waste.

I can see how this would be irritating OP, give the food to a food bank.

Morrisons own beans are fine honest! Tea bags I can see how you'd be fussy, they're quite a personal thing!

It's no more of a waste to throw food away than it is to eat something you don't want.

Nonsense! The food bank idea is a great one.

Just say thanks smile and donate to a food bank.

Polarn Fri 11-Apr-14 19:45:46

I'd never throw anything away. I give some stuff like washing powder & cans of coke to friends mainly (but I think it'd comes off as a bit rude if I started offering cans of beans and bacon).

The most annoying thing with the food is that a lot of it is crap, which she knows we don't like to eat... like fizzy drinks & crisps. They're a nono in the house but a treat if we go to a pub/restaurant.... I hate my son drinking fizzy drinks, esp coke!

I like heinz pobble.... plus I hate Morrisons as my local store made me cry when I was pregnant (another story!)

She peed me off this time as I was happily telling them how my OH and DCs had bought me some Baileys for mothers day smile They next day we went round to the caravan and I noticed a bottle of Baileys on the counter. I just said, oh you've brought some with you! (in a kind of "what a coincidence" sort of way) And she said, no I picked this up this morning for you just incase you wanted a drink here!.... Again, is she being thoughful and I should be grateful? Why would she buy ANOTHER bottle randomly (it's flippin expensive), like it's nothing. When she knew we had a bottle at home for a special occasion!

Polarn Fri 11-Apr-14 19:48:38

I think she just wants to feel more involved in our family, and this is her way of doing it?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Fri 11-Apr-14 19:50:54

She sounds alright if this her worst crime you've done alright MIL wise grin

I'd donate the food and other bits you don't use. I hate waste and one person's not up to scratch is someone else's lifeline.

As for the stuff she gives your DC that's pretty easy depending on their ages. if they're little quietly hide what they don't need/wont really interest them and deny all knowledge before you donate/re-gift it or if they're older encourage regular clear outs of stuff with their help to give to those less fortunate. it means they're thinking of others and appreciate what they have and also you get rid of clutter. win win.

I think shes just trying to be nice with the baileys. Its the sort of thing my gps would do, keep something they know we like to drink in just incase we pop round.

They have a caravan in Mablethorpe we sometimes go to and they'll have left bits and bobs for the dc, bucket and spade, biscuits etc

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