to wish I wasn't ignored in the office

(9 Posts)
Treasa24 Fri 04-Apr-14 22:51:48

Nearly a year in the (small) team. Still made to feel 'new' and out of place. The other new (ish) person is quite loud and brash, hard to ignore. Increasingly, when members of the team talk and I try to take part, I am rarely consulted, and even rarely acknowledged.

At a meeting the other day, the other new colleague leant across the table, talking loudly, commanding attention and utterly ignoring me except when she wanted to be downright rude. No-one said anything.

I asked her, after the meeting, why she'd felt the need to ignore me and make disparaging remarks, and she muttered something about being irritated by me and how she, as a 'doer', likes to make things happen. DH thinks she was fishing for excuses at this point.

So it goes on - I'm easy to get on with, work hard, not had such problems before but in this small office, it's ghastly. Would walk but very much need the income. Manager never comes near any of us and is self-obsessed which leave this team of apparent equals to run itself, with unhappy results for me. Perhaps this only leaves HR to turn to for morale support, advice and to record just how bad things have got?

AIBU to wish I could be excepted and respected at work?

I gather she was a bit surprised and put out at being put on the spot? Do the rest of the team like her and does she reserve this treatment just for you?

I think you may have to develop a more assertive strategy for dealing with her, don't let her get away with speaking over you. Pull her up (nicely) in front of others when she does it again.

Financeprincess Fri 04-Apr-14 23:22:07

Try to deal with it yourself before involving HR. In the nicest possible way, if you run to them asking them to sort it out, it won't endear you to your team. Or HR, for that matter.

Do what Pumpkin says. Good luck.

Treasa24 Fri 04-Apr-14 23:48:22

Thanks, both - I am very reluctant to go to HR for the reasons you mention. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach each night and morning. For whatever reason, I'm frozen out at work and when I have tried to talk to colleagues about this, I've been given short shrift. On Monday I want to ask one who is particularly excluding if she'd like a coffee so we can sort things out - but I'm nervous she'll say no, Ditto anyone else.

I'm not remotely paranoid but it is the case that my face doesn't fit and colleagues are making that horribly obvious. It's difficult when a small team is effectively leaderless. Could be a great thing but in this case, it's a problem as there is no-one very obvious whose job it is to make sure that things are working well and that everyone is value. Well, there is but he's conspicuous by his absence.

Financeprincess Fri 04-Apr-14 23:52:11

It's difficult, I know, but keep on trying with the other team members and stand up to the brash one. It will come good in the end, I'm sure.

If not, remember that you can always get another job.

howrudeforme Fri 04-Apr-14 23:58:43

I worked for large merchant bank. I had this. You've done very well. I lasted about three weeks and handed in my notice. The prats were highly shocked and hr wanted meetings to get my view. I gave my view with my notice - no need for hr who didn't want to know in the first place to now get my view.

In that three weeks I stuck up for myself. I got into the office at 7.30 - colleagues sitting on desks chatting, until I walked in and they all sat down and were silent. I really think this might be a city (upchuck) thing. I still can't fathom it. Can't be bothered with office politics etc - it was shite - they were bullies - they felt victimised when I resigned pronto.

It can happen.

It was years ago when jobs were easy to come by.

But I feel for you.

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Apr-14 00:15:46

I don't want them to be famous last words, but it can't get any worse so what have you got to lose by trying out changing the way you deal with her?

It sounds awful, you're trapped in it day in day out and it sounds as though you've got to the end of your tether.

Is there any way you can put a measurement on how much is too much? How bad do you have to feel for it to tip into making you ill? Because that sinking feeling you get when you think about going in isn't good for you long term.

Definitely ask the other colleague who's excluded for a coffee, safety in numbers and all that. It's low risk (they could say no) but a potentially high gain (you'll have an ally).

And I would talk to the gobby cow like I would a child, polite but firm, no volume but with a sharp side to your tone. Like Pumpkin says, pull her up on it every time, if she kicks off - let her, so long as you can keep completely calm with your voice low everyone can see it's her and not you.

She's no right to talk to you like shit on her shoe, and you have every right to ask her not to, if you can believe that you can pretend you're confident tackling her.

ParanoidLucy Sat 05-Apr-14 00:20:45

Yanbu but as I see it you have two choices. You either leave or develop a tactic. I wouldn't speak to anyone or confront them. You will come across as needy and they won't be honest. They will feel awkward and say anything to appease you. I would work hard on your team skills without going overboard. If that fails just look for a Job elsewhere. Sometimes these things don't work out and its no fault of yours.

Heavitree Sat 05-Apr-14 06:53:20

I've has this. Horrid.

Practice assertive statements beforehand with eg DH. Then next time she leaps over table etc interrupt. It's not easy to interrupt these **s so if you have to, state loudly "please let other people comment now". Don't make it you v her, but her v everybody. For I'm interested if she does this to everyone or just you. Their silence suggests they might be scared of her too, but you can't rely on them, just make it sound like you demand equality for everyone.

Collect and store interesting/ useful remarks/news for these meetings so you look well prepared compared to Mouthy. Don't give away any good ideas in one to ones.

Pretend/imagine, even if you don't feel like it, that you are a shit hot dynamic professional and she is the useless but gushing v young new girl.

Not suggesting you aren't a shit hot prof BTW :-)

Good luck.

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