to find uninvited comments about weight rude?

(57 Posts)
TheAwfulDaughter Fri 04-Apr-14 01:06:51

Firstly, I understand that some people are having very public battles with the scales over Facebook and other forms of social media and actually are very open with discussing their weight. I'd imagine some of these people would probably welcome comments from those who haven't seen in a while saying 'OMG, you've lost so much weight, you look great!'

However, I'm not doing this. I have massive issues with food, and I tend to yo-yo. I try and cut out carbs, hidden sugars and generally 'eat clean' in my day-to-day diet, but being in my last few weeks of study means that wine and peanut M&Ms are increasingly prevalent. I'm actually at my 'top weight' right now, but generally okay with it. It's not worth worrying about now!

Last night I saw one of the WAGs of DP's friends and the very first thing she said to me was 'OH MY GOD YOU'VE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT'. I haven't. I know because last time I saw her I was at an event in a dress that I can't fucking zip up now. It was insincere and inaccurate. I don't think she was trying to be funny, but I feel like commenting on someone physique is the new 'your hair is fab' 'I like your top, where did you get it?'. I've had it said to me by DM's friends, customers in work, it's not just that isolated occasion. On some occasions I genuinely have, others you can just tell it's a stock filler compliment.

I didn't lose any sleep over it, but I think having a dear friend who is constantly at risk of a relapse into her eating disorder has made me look upon things differently. You can't tell who can laugh it off, like I did (I responded with 'No, I think my face is just really heavily contoured with make up') or those who will immediately think 'Was I fat before? Do I need to lose weight? Does she think I need to lose weight?'

Like I said, I know the woman meant well and it hasn't really affected me- but I know it can some people. You don't know who may have food issues, be recovering from an eating disorder, so I just think it's a stupid thing to point out when there are so many other ways to compliment people...

or AIBU?

drspouse Sat 05-Apr-14 11:50:58

My DH has diabetes and before it was diagnosed (as a young adult - he has type 1) and now, if he's been ill with something else that has caused his blood sugar to rise for a while, he can lose quite a lot of weight through being ill. He also, however, lost quite a bit of weight when our DS got a) heavier so was more work to carry/push around and b) started weaning so we started eating more from scratch, on top of the weight he lost when we stopped eating out much because we had DS initially.

People tend to comment on the "ill" weight loss because it is more dramatic - but it is a clear sign of him being very unwell. I also lost weight due to post-DS lifestyle changes, and until I realised that DH had also lost weight I was a little worried I was ill too. And I find that, after losing weight then every time people see me they comment, even if I haven't lost any more. I think they mentally compare me to myself a couple of years ago, not the last time they saw me.

PS kudos to everyone who's spelled "lose", "losing" etc. correctly in this thread, I am finding myself so influenced by misspellings that I'm struggling to write it correctly - coupled with iPad sabotage.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 05-Apr-14 13:11:55

Yanbu dsis is a recovering anorexic and whenever anyone says don't you look healthy I want to kick them- I know most people are trying to be kind and she does look healthy but please think about how she might interpret it.

I hate it even more when people comment on what your eating- yes I'm going to eat all this and no it's none of your business twat!

Sicaq Sat 05-Apr-14 19:22:35

I once responded to a persistent weight-commenter's greeting of "Oh, you've lost WEIGHT!" with "Have I? Shit. [to barista] Can I have the large Rocky Road with my coffee, too, please?" To friend: "There, hopefully that will sort it."

Wasn't in the mood for cake but I felt like being contrary. Went over her head though ...

RevoltingPeasant Sat 05-Apr-14 20:06:11

OP YANBU x 100.

I have used this example before on mn but it makes the point well.

In my last workplace there was a woman with a history of early MC. She got pg again and made it to I think just under 20 weeks, and then lost her baby.

Department numpty breezes into meeting "Oh, X, you look fab, you've really lost that weight off your tummy."

Awful silence. Woman unobtrusively goes to loo a few minutes later and never returns to meeting. Dept numpty clearly oblivious.

sad

UncleT Sat 05-Apr-14 20:17:11

I also agree that it's simply not on to comment on people's weight, in the vast majority of circumstances anyway. I'm extremely sensitive about my weight, and even when I am happy with it I still don't like comments as they imply too much attention to my size.

Glitterfeet Sat 05-Apr-14 22:13:12

YaNbu

Only comment on someone's weight if they start up a conversation with you about it, or you've had previous conversations about dieting with them.

At my last job there were 2 people who used to talk constantly about their weight, what diet they were on and what they eat. It wasn't a topic I had any interest in so stayed out of the conversations. One day I walked in and the bloke exclaimed loudly that I had lost weight, I hadn't. Then wouldn't let it drop."you've lost weight! Have you lost weight? You HAVE lost weight".

I shrugged my shoulders and said Dunno, as I had no interest in talking about my weight. So he turns to those around him and asks everyone if they think I've lost weight. So I'm stood there with a room full of people staring at my body.

I still don't join in, say don't think so and carry on. But he still felt the need to exclaim that I'd lost weight. As I walked out the door he said "she's so rude". What the actual fuck?

Sandytrousers Sat 05-Apr-14 22:25:10

It's just plain rude to comment in someone's weight.

"Have you lost weight?"

"Have you had sex recently?"

"Do you shoplift?"

"What product do you use for your shamefully bad skin?"

As a PP said, what the hell is wrong with "how are you?"

It won't make me like you more if you pretend I've lost weight or if you draw attention to my body publicly and uninvited.

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