Wibu to never speak to my mum again?

(29 Posts)
Pandaeyes84 Thu 03-Apr-14 21:12:38

I've n/c because this is so sensitive.

My dad is an alcoholic and an abusive man, of course like all people he has a good side too.

Myself and my siblings had horrible childhoods, we didn't go without food or a clean bed. But we were constantly smacked, yelled at, criticised, called names such as little bastard, little brat, little fart. My dad would tell me my school artwork was crap. We never did anything normal, not one trip to the seaside, my mum begrudgingly took me to the park once a year. My whole childhood felt as though I was either in a house or car inhaling their fag fumes while they argued. The never worked, we were always on 'the dole' as my dad called it and he'd regularly sell things out of the house.

When I was 17 I went to college and then got a job, I was just a normal young person. My dad hated me having any type of relationship with my mum, they'd stay up drinking until 3-4 in the morning, not get up till midday and then spend the rest of the time in their bedroom.

Every morning for work I'd get up to a house that smelled like a brewery, full ashtrays and beer cans everywhere. If I complained my dad would do things like emptying the bins all over the floor and screaming that it was 'his house'.

They would keep me awake all night with the TV blaring, arguing, my dad up and down for a piss. There was a glass panel above my bedroom door and I wasn't allowed to turn the light off, if I complained about the noise he'd kick off and deliberately keep my brother and I awake by putting music on or making the dog bark at 3, 4 or 5 in the morning.

My mum didn't really agree with any of this, but she stood back and watched and tried to rationalise his behaviour.

When I was about 18 my older sister disclosed that my dad had sexually abused her, it was only once and not rape but he'd come into our room and kissed and touched her. She begged me not to tell anyone but a few months later at a particularly bad time I told my mum, thinking she'd leave. She didn't. She stayed with my dad and tried to excuse that he was drunk, didn't know what he was doing. I've seen my dad vomit everywhere, fall down the stairs, bring random strangers back to our home.

10 years on my parents are still living their dysfunctional life. I maintain a distant relationship but find it incredibly stressful as my dad often goes on binges.

Recently there was an incident, my dad was drunk and had a row with his brother who's also an alcoholic. He threatened to knock his brother out and his brother called the police. And told them that my dad had hit my mum. He actually didn't.

My mum ended up with a bruised arm from coming between them, the police came and went but then for some reason my dad in a drunken state called the police on himself saying he's battering his wife. He wasn't but obviously got arrested and charged with assault.

My mum said she was going to leave, we've helped her, she's seen a women's aid worker and been offered priority housing from the council and also counselling.

Instead she's decided to give my dad 'one last chance'.

This has all been going on for over a week. They're breaking his bail conditions by seeing each other. He acts remorseful, has promised never to drink again, to get help. But instead he's seeked no help, he's told her if she doesn't go back he will kill himself, he bought booze today then didn't drink it but said it was because there's no hope without her.

There's no getting through to my mum, I believe that she's codependent and that I am also in still trying to help her when she's beyond help.

What the fuck do I do?

Pandaeyes84 Thu 03-Apr-14 21:15:07

Sorry it's so long that in no way covers everything that's happened over the years but I've tried to keep it as brief as I can.

formerbabe Thu 03-Apr-14 21:15:17

Walk away from them both...they do not deserve your time.

God you poor thing, what can you do ? If anything try to save your sanity and keep away. I'm amazed to still speak to either of them

Christelle2207 Thu 03-Apr-14 21:20:38

Uwnbu.I'm so sorry you had such a horrid childhood. Walk away and try and get on with your life.

Trebuchet Thu 03-Apr-14 21:21:09

I'm so sorry you've had this life...if I were you I guess just wish them well and let them go. You are not responsible.

Pandaeyes84 Thu 03-Apr-14 21:21:33

I'm amazed I do too, it's completely messed up. But I've been brought up in it. I try to just see them when they're being 'normal'. I wouldn't have anything to do with my dad because of what he did to my sister. But as my mum isn't allowed out it's the only way I can see her.

I think we've all (including) my sister convinced ourselves that he only did it because he was in such a state.

We've all spent out lives terrified of him.

Finola1step Thu 03-Apr-14 21:24:50

Walk away. Protect yourself. Maintain a relationship with your sister.

MohammedLover Thu 03-Apr-14 21:28:16

I don't have the answers I am afraid.

All I can add is that you can't change anyone only yourself. Make the most of enjoying your life from now.

Good luck.

yegodsandlittlefishes Thu 03-Apr-14 21:29:51

You would not be unreasonable to keep away and stay away and never see either of them. Your mum ciuld have got you and your siblings out of that situation and brought you up without you all having to put up with your dad's behaviour.

Pandaeyes84 Thu 03-Apr-14 21:30:03

The thing is I love my mum. I feel rejected by her, she tries to keep things all going in her own way.

plentyofsoap Thu 03-Apr-14 21:31:11

My parents have a similar relationship, but without the drink.
Nc now for a very long time and it is sad, but it was the best decision I have made. They are adults and they will not change.
Walk away.

InAGrump Thu 03-Apr-14 21:36:45

I can see why you are tied to them, inexplicably. They are still your home, still your family in your heart.

But, but, you are old enough to have a new home and a new family you make for yourself. You are not connected in life and you can still care for them even when separated.

You know that what they need is distance - to either get into their pattern again or to implode. There is no need for you to be a part of these events.

You don't have to decide not talking to them now means never again. For now it can just mean *"Not now".

You know it makes sense.

thebody Thu 03-Apr-14 21:38:15

walk away love. they don't deserve you or your sister.

I don't agree that alcohol could make you abuse a child, that's crap.

they are dangerous, toxic and act as a pair to justify each other.

you and your sister deserve a good life without them.

if you need to talk to anyone do so but not to them.

TrialsandTribbulati0ns Thu 03-Apr-14 21:38:36

Hi Pandaeyes

I'm going to guess the 84 in your name is the year you were born, which makes you younger than me.

You walk away from them. Thats what you do. If ,in your life, you wonder that you should have stayed and then you feel guilty because they drank themselves to death then you have to know this:

They did what they did because they were shit parents.

PM me if you want to talk more. I could have written your post.

Nomama Thu 03-Apr-14 21:45:34

Oh you have got to look after yourself first and foremost.

DH struggled with this with his mum and SDad. It was horrid. Ended very unhappily. But DH had spent a lot of time getting his head round the fact that she was an adult woman who had never been a 'good mum; and had always made poor choices, from a kid's perspective.

When she died he had just about enough objectivity to realise that he couldn't have done anything to 'save' her and that her actions were not aimed at him. She made choices that did not include him, or his sibs. That was who she was.

You MUST try to get more distance, a more subjective view of your family. You must let go, they are adults. As are you.

Good luck, it is very hard but, according to DH, when you realise that the drink and relationship are more important than you are and that is just how it is, it can be a very liberating feeling. One that allows you to see your own life as separate and fulfilling, without some people in it.

Comeatmefam Thu 03-Apr-14 22:58:07

Oh you poor, poor thing.

You had a HORRENDOUSLY abusive childhood. Do you really understand that?

Please consider going no contact as soon as possible.

They will NEVER change. Even if they did (they won't) they robbed you of your childhood. Your father terrorised you, worse he sexually assaulted your sister - YOUR MOTHER ENABLED IT ALL.

Lots and lots of hugs and love to you tonight x

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 03-Apr-14 23:14:46

Oh sweetie. Ian e a friend who went through the same nightmare abuse during childhood and beyond. I have advised her loads to go no contact, but she says they are her mum and dad and she still loves them. It breaks my heart when she is sobbing her heart out but all I can do is to be there for her. I'd advise you to really consider the same, for your own sanity.

justmyview Thu 03-Apr-14 23:18:39

Suggest you read some books by Lundy Bancroft. He's a US expert on domestic abuse

Longdistance Thu 03-Apr-14 23:28:19

Keep walking and don't look back. Yanbu.

Pandaeyes84 Thu 03-Apr-14 23:33:46

I no longer live with them and I have a young ds.

The way I've coped with it is by keeping contact to a minimum, and never when they're drinking.

The thing is they both have this way if making you feel very sorry for them, they both had shit childhoods and were sexually abused themselves.

My mum is a mother hen and won't admit but is terrified of upsetting my dad, he's not violent to her but he's the type who makes her walk on eggshells.

My dad has agoraphobia and depression, he's also apparently been diagnosed with a personality disorder. He's on a huge cocktail of medication and drinks with it. But he's always shunned any kind if psychiatric help.

My mums even been to the doctors this week and got the doctor to look back into my dads history and apparently the doctor has told her that's due to the medication he was on at the time teamed with alcohol it's 'quite possible' that he doesn't remember abusing my sister. I think this has almost justified it in my mums mind. All she keeps saying is that it was so long ago, as if that makes it ok.

Pandaeyes84 Thu 03-Apr-14 23:39:08

I suppose I feel that my mums a victim as well, but I know she should have protected us as children. And as young adults.

I remember my mum tried, I can remember Sunday mornings when I was 5 or 6 watching TV, then you'd hear my dads footsteps and it would be 'quick turn the TV over' he'd get up like a bear with a sore head come in the room and shout to turn that crap off his tv.

daisychain01 Fri 04-Apr-14 05:09:34

You cannot change the past.

No point trying.

Dont let them make you feel guilty - about what? Move forward as positively as you are able to and shed any emotional baggage you carry about them. They gave you life, that is about all you can thank them for.

The rest of your life is down to you.

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 04-Apr-14 09:52:52

But he's always shunned any kind if psychiatric help.

and

I think this has almost justified it in my mums mind.

These equate to keep well away. They have free help available and they choose to refuse it and to carry on living in harmful coexistence, enabling one another to fail and exacerbate their problems. Your mum is a victim out of choice. You don't have to be as well.

I know it can feel you're contaminated by blood, and that can be what the guilt feels like - but this is a lie to root out (of one's own thinking) and cut off. You are not guilty by association unless you are also embroiled in codependency with them in some way as an adult and/ or you tell them that what they do is right or good or you show approval. That's the thing though, visiting and saying nothing can be interpreted as approval. I'd not visit.

castlesintheair Fri 04-Apr-14 10:31:58

My upbringing was similar to yours. I spent most of my life trying to "fix" it. I went NC nearly 4 years ago (I'm in my 40s) and it was the best thing I ever did. I would urge you to get some professional counselling if only to give you the courage to overcome the tremendous fear, guilt and sense of obligation you feel so you can get on with your life. You owe these people nothing.

I am so sorry for what you have been through. It is utter shit how some people treat others. There is NO excuse for it.

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