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Not being invited to a birthday party

(69 Posts)
fmpc Thu 03-Apr-14 16:45:14

This is my first post on mumsnet and not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not and the kids involved are 7 year olds in case that's relevant

Asked a mother this afternoon if her dc would come home after school with mine tomorrow for a playdate to be met with a look of confusion 'but it's X's birthday party tomorrow' surely my dc is going as well. This was the first I'd heard of it, so obviously not invited. The other mother then got a bit confused/embarrassed about it and said herself that it's supposed to be a football party out on the green in front of X's house. I just answered that sure X and my son aren't major friends anyway.

Now normally I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to all the birthday partys going. But the reason the other mother obviously felt awkward and that I'm a bit taken aback is that X and my dc are the only kids in their class living on our road and the green they're going to have the party on is right outside both our houses where all the kids play

So basically tomorrow my son is going to have to be kept in all afternoon and he'll be able to see why himself or if I let him outside which is where he always wants to be, he'll have full view of all his classmates playing together with the party and him being very obviously excluded

So whereas I don't expect all kids to be automatically be included I do think it's a bit much to basically rub my dc's nose in it

btw I'm not going to say anything to anyone but aibu ?

thefruitwhisperer Sun 06-Apr-14 21:13:30

Once, when I was 9 all my friends were invited to a birthday party at another friends house. I wasn't invited but my best friend was. She was staying at our house so I went to collect her from the party with my Mum.

And you know what, I didn't give 2 shits. I am sure your DS will be just fine. #sings like Elsa# Let it go.

tznett Sun 06-Apr-14 20:33:47

> All invites are done by texts to parents so no chance of it being lost

Wrong numbers do happen, so don't discount this possibility.

GatoradeMeBitch Sat 05-Apr-14 02:05:06

I'm wondering if it's possible the boy's mother didn't feel the need to invite your DS when he was right on the doorstep? Maybe she just assumed he's be around? invites by text sound like it's very casual.

MexicanSpringtime Sat 05-Apr-14 01:57:29

I don't think you are exaggerating, but probably best if your son sees you treating this as the most normal thing in the world which, in effect, it is. If he catches a whiff that you think it is terrible, he will think it is terrible too.
Children are learning about the world through us, and the fact of the matter is these things happen and we have to learn to take them in our stride.

ILoveWooly Sat 05-Apr-14 01:34:49

Hope this afternoon went well OP.

MistressDeeCee Fri 04-Apr-14 21:49:44

He's just not going to be invited everywhere. Thats life. Take him somewhere really nice even if its just for a couple of hours so that if some children are talking about what a nice time they had, he can then talk about something nice he's done. I mean he doesn't have to stay in and gaze across the road just because another child's having a party there, does he?!

Beamur Fri 04-Apr-14 21:12:56

As it's in a public area he could just go along anyway, I suppose what I'd do is smile, have a friendly chat with the Mum and simply say 'is it ok to join in with the kickabout?' I don't see it as such a big deal really.

Ilovexmastime Fri 04-Apr-14 12:24:25

I can see why you're upset, but I would try not to make too much of a big deal of it if you don't want to upset your DS. I certainly wouldn't keep him indoors because of it. Let him choose whether or not he wants to play outside. It sounds like you're going to have a houseful anyway, so maybe your DS won't care that he wasn't invited? Just chuck the whole lot outside to play, maybe they'll all join in with the football party?

DeWe Fri 04-Apr-14 12:21:44

I think going and asking (or worse sending him over to ask) to join would have potential for being much worse though. I'd guess they will go back to hers for food, and then your ds will be left outside-even if she invites him in she may have no party bag.

Fine let him have a friend over, fine, if he wants to go and play on the green with a friend if that is what he usually does when a friend comes over, but don't try and push him in to make a point.

PurpleSwift Fri 04-Apr-14 11:46:59

is it in a public place? surely he can just go play?

PatButchersEarring Fri 04-Apr-14 11:30:17

Urrmm..maybe she didn't bother to formally invite your DS as it's a casual kind of thing and she just assumed he'd probably be out there playing and join in anyway if he was around?

Jesus- the potential for offending mums is just rampant. It's exhausting. I cannot be doing with it.

PaulinesPen Fri 04-Apr-14 10:33:38

Yanbu. She's quite entitled to do it blah blah but it's plain mean.

I'm vehemently with coffee house. It's a public area. You have kids over. Why should you stay in if this is usual outside space and why should you skulk around like a tramp at a posh restaurants window?!?!

Get a blanket get fun food and get playing!

Nerf Fri 04-Apr-14 07:08:24

Absolute over reaction on here. Other mother being totally slated for daring to have a party by her house for her ds and not inviting a kid who doesn't get on with hers. Organised football parties can have about ten children and you have to choose a large area to hold it if your garden isn't big enough - why should she go to the expense of a hall or drive a load of kids somewhere else? She's probably doing food at hers afterwards.

ProudAS Fri 04-Apr-14 06:54:29

OP - your DS has as much right to play on the village green as the party children. Take your housefull of kids (preferably before the party starts) and start playing!

Strandy Fri 04-Apr-14 04:36:02

YANBU I totally agree with you. I don't have dc of that age group yet but I think from how you describe the overall situation, this mother should have far more insight than to exclude a child that lives very close by, regardless of if the two children are best friends or not. It's impolite, un-neighbourly and exclusive.

I recall an incident when I was 8 years old where my friend and her sister excluded me from a Hallow'een party in their house, just to be nasty. I was so upset and came home from school telling my mum that I had nowhere to celebrate Hallow'een this year - a very big deal in Ireland! My mum got straight on the phone to my friend's mum to sort it out. The other mother immediately gave out to her kids for excluding me and within 15 minutes I was at the party, joining in, drama over.

You will probably just have to deal with the afternoon ahead and try to distract your ds while the others play but you should definitely approach her in the next few days and say 'So how did the party go? X would have loved to have gone - I hope he hasn't done anything to bother Y recently?' I would say something like that with a big disarming smile on my face.

greenfolder Fri 04-Apr-14 02:15:40

Don't get it.

If the "party" is a few kids kicking a ball around on a public green surely anyone can join in?

takeiteasybuttakeit Thu 03-Apr-14 23:56:53

Beamur
I think absolutely no way should she ask if her ds can join in. He hasn't been invited so unfortunately he isn't wanted there. That's a little upsetting of course, but it will be worse if he is encouraged by the OP to join in. OP - can't you see about rearranging the playdate for your other dcs and just go out? It is very sad to think of your ds in the house while his friends are outside

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Thu 03-Apr-14 23:13:22

This is why my DC's birthday parties have always been "everyone or two close friends".

The potential to cause unintended offence and/or hurt is just too great.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 03-Apr-14 23:11:52

Exactly tge mother cannot monopolise the communal ground for the party. I would send him out to play, party mum will be too embarrassed and include him.

Rexandralpf Thu 03-Apr-14 23:07:24

So mature coffee

Beamur Thu 03-Apr-14 23:06:26

Well, when it was my DD's 7th party, I asked who she wanted to invite and suggested a few activities. But the guests were her own choice.
In your position I think I'd feel a bit stung, but wouldn't make any sort of comment or issue about this. It's unfortunate that the party is more or less outside your house and your DS isn't going.
If he sees the party and asks to join in, I'd nip out and ask if he can come and join the game, and if thats ok, make sure he knows that food/cake/party bags are for the invited guests only. Or he might be busy indoors with the other guests you're having and not notice.
I'd agree with the poster who said if you don't make this a big deal, then perhaps your DS won't feel it that way either.

coffeehouse Thu 03-Apr-14 23:05:33

I would personally wish to make the other mother feel as awkward as possible...i would set up picnic on the green with all the friends you have coming over, invite more too! I would be out there before them.
Start your own games out there and have a fun noisy time. Dont hide in the house.

Elderflowergranita Thu 03-Apr-14 23:04:31

Agree with babydubs solution!

Elderflowergranita Thu 03-Apr-14 23:03:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel hurt and upset for your Ds about the party.

Similar things have happened to me with one of my children.

It's rubbish, and I feel your pain.

Are you in Ireland by the way? Your turn of phrase sounds hugely familiar and comforting to me!

You and Ds will survive this day, but it's not nice, not nice at all, and I would never behave as this mum has done.

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