To think actively looking up your past posts isn't really on?

(83 Posts)
myotherusernamestaken Thu 27-Mar-14 22:09:24

Regular but name changed, naice ham, pom bears, cutted up pear etc

DH and I had a disagreement tonight, details of which are irrelevant really but it transpired in this disagreement that he had actively looked up all my past posts on here at some point and then tonight used them against me chapter and verse.

In a nutshell, we went through some issues last year, I sought some advice from you lovely ladies and confided that I'd set a mental date in my head to work towards and that if, with effort, things hadn't improved by that date then I had to make the choice to leave.

A few weeks ago I mentioned a thread on here to him, jokingly. We have been getting along well and tbh I thought our issues were behind us. He tells me he looked up that thread, found my username and then looked through my past posts. I've name changed since then so it's not an issue now, but I said I thought that to actively seek out my posts like that was frankly a bit weird and I feel massively betrayed by it. The thread I mentioned was hundreds of comments long so I think he's actually been on my laptop and come onto Mumsnet that way, otherwise how did he know which was my post?

I pointed out that I came here for advice and perspective (and got it you lovely lot) and that my posts here were as personal to me as a diary would be.
He's gone to bed. I'm sat here with that horrible hurt feeling in my tummy feeling betrayed and generally wondering whether things have improved or not.

Thoughts? If IABU I am perfectly willing to accept that, not sure it will help change how I currently feel though.

Waltonswatcher1 Thu 27-Mar-14 22:11:52

I'd be worried if my husband did that , it's too intrusive and sneaky .
Nope , not on .

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Thu 27-Mar-14 22:12:12

YANBU. That to me is no different than going through your emails. I would have a big issue with this, and wonder if he didn't trust me, or if he was trying to dig up dirt.

I have nothing to hide but would hate DH to look at all my past posts. I like that things like MN is "my thing" that he's not part of, everyone is surely entitled to that kind of privacy in their lives?

My ex did the same

Sad bastard.

Famzilla Thu 27-Mar-14 22:14:33

If DH did that to me I would liken it to him going through my phone or even spying on me when I went to work or met up with friends. Incredibly creepy at best.

KiwiBanana Thu 27-Mar-14 22:14:57

I can understand why you'd be upset about it but he does have every right to do it. You're posting on a public forum that anyone can have access to.

brokenhearted55a Thu 27-Mar-14 22:16:42

One of my friends said that if she thought her DP was discussing their issues with strangers on the internet she would be upset. These things ought to ne kept between the couple.

Maybe your DH felt that way. Maybe he also thought he had every right to know what you were saying about your issues.

Some people don't like it.

myotherusernamestaken Thu 27-Mar-14 22:17:07

I was going through a really shitty time in September/october last year. As was he in fairness but I used AIBU a few times to get a little perspective on my feelings which helped.
He argues 'public domain, so what!' but my stomach dropped, not at the thought of what he'd read because its nothing I wouldn't have said to his face but at the thought that he could do that.

I'd never dream of looking up what he posted anywhere, it feels intrusive to me and that he should be able to vent to his mates when I'm in full on bitch mode without me looking it up and throwing it back at him.

I don't know it just doesn't sit right at all with me.

brokenhearted55a Thu 27-Mar-14 22:18:31

Your issues meaning your mutual issues as a couple I meant.

Perhaps he thought he had every right to know what you had told strangers about your relationship.

Comeatmefam Thu 27-Mar-14 22:19:54

I'd feel the same. I think there are men who'd do this and men that wouldn't. The men who would I'd avoid like the plague. What do you want from this thread? What do you want to do about or say to your husband?

myotherusernamestaken Thu 27-Mar-14 22:21:10

I have few people to talk to really, close friend is wonderful and I love her to bits but she's very feisty and LTB, its difficult to gain any perspective from her because she'll always be on my side. If I chopped his balls off it would be his fault and she'd be on my side IYSWIM.

I post here because I know you lot would say 'yep, you are being a bit unhinged here' where RL friends wouldn't do that.

PhallicGiraffe Thu 27-Mar-14 22:21:48

YABU. you mentioned the thread to him, he looked at the thread. You posted these comments on a PUBLIC discussion forum, that anyone can read. There's nothing private about it.

myotherusernamestaken Thu 27-Mar-14 22:24:08

Comeatme, truthfully, I don't know. I just feel a hurt. We'd had some good news and been on a bit of a high so it seems a bit of a double slap in the face for me.

I guess in the morning I might see it differently, I don't know.

myotherusernamestaken Thu 27-Mar-14 22:25:23

Phallic, I mentioned a comical thread on Mumsnet Chat. I didn't tell him my username. From that he hunted down the thread, somehow found my username and looked up my past posts.

EurotrashGirl Thu 27-Mar-14 22:27:04

I think it is easy to forget that this is a public forum sometimes, but it is and we need to keep that in mind when posting.

Dahlen Thu 27-Mar-14 22:27:32

Oh come on. It's wildly different having a bunch of people who don't know you reading about the intimate details of your life and having someone you know read them. Few people would be comfortable revealing the things they do to school gate mums the way they do on here. There is a lot of comfort in anonymity, which is what MN offers for most people provided they don't go into too much personal detail like names, ages, geography and unique situations.

All that said, if you want total privacy, it's best to name-change regularly so any of your usernames are only identified with one issue, so making it harder to identify you. It's also worth not saving passwords, remaining signed in etc on your laptop.

You may have been the architect of your own misfortune OP, but I totally understand why you feel creeped out. Just because someone can do something like check your posts, doesn't mean they should.

Goldmandra Thu 27-Mar-14 22:32:50

You're posting on a public forum that anyone can have access to.

Posts may be public but they are anonymous. If you find out someone's user name and then search for their anonymous posts, you are invading their privacy.

I'd be livid, OP, and I would be wondering what he feels he achieved by snooping.

myotherusernamestaken Thu 27-Mar-14 22:35:50

I've actually password protected my laptop which I think is quite sad really. I name changed a few weeks ago, and do regularly, mostly because I'm the most indecisive person in the world.

The stuff I normally post on here is quite banal really, I just needed someone to turn to back then and thought this was the place. I guess next time I'll just keep it all to myself and quietly seethe whether I'm in the right or not.

myotherusernamestaken Thu 27-Mar-14 22:37:40

He's up and out for work very early, my laptop is on the chair arm and its not unusual for MN to be open on a browser window.
I think he's probably been through my laptop early one morning whilst I was in bed and gone through MN and probably emails etc

Sad thing is, I've got nothing to hide whatsoever.

oddsocksmostly Thu 27-Mar-14 22:44:02

I think that we post our thoughts,feelings, or responses to other posts as responses to that actual moment in time. So I can imagine that it comes as quite a shock for it to be raised at a different time in our life, a bit like if someone had recorded a phone conversation, and played it to us several months later.

"I can understand why you'd be upset about it but he does have every right to do it. You're posting on a public forum that anyone can have access to."
Yes, this is a public forum. But it is a forum which we post on ANONYMOUSLY. My birth certificate does not name me as WhereYouLeftIt smile. And I would question the idea of him having a right to stalk the OP online. Being able to do something is not the same as having a right to do it.

He had to do some detective work to ascertain the OP's MN nickname, and then search for all her posts and read all the threads he found. Public (and anonymous) forum or not, that a little bit skin-crawly. And IMO, on a par with reading someone else's e-mail correspondence, trawling through their phone, or standing outside the door of a room where OP and a friend are having a conversation. It's an invasion of privacy, pure and simple.

I'm not sure how I would feel about that if I were in the OP's shoes. I think I would wonder why he did that, what was he trying to find - reassurance or ammunition?

myotherusernamestaken Thu 27-Mar-14 23:02:02

I guess it hurt doubly because I thought we were doing really well and had moved on, I thought we were closer now than we had been for a very long time.
He has done this at some point over the last few weeks, so whilst I was fooling myself that everything was hunky dory and we were at a really close stage of our relationship he'd done this, I think thats probably what I'm so unsure of. If he'd done it tonight, mid argument then I could see he'd done it out of spite maybe and perhaps be more forgiving for something done in the heat of the moment.

I'm going to go and get some sleep and see it with a fresh pair of eyes in the morning now.

Popcornisgood Thu 27-Mar-14 23:02:57

This is a public forum which can be accessed by anyone. I would be so hurt to find that my dh was sharing details of our personal life to strangers.

Yabu. Op - what I'd DH reads this thread and realises it is about him?

ItsSpringBaby Fri 28-Mar-14 00:20:13

I think if my partner had been discussing our life online and casually mentioned the name of the forum he visits and spends lots of time on. I may look him up too.

Some people may feel it is crossing the line to share private business. Seeing as all info here is public, I wouldn't compare it to snooping through e-mails etc.

Joysmum Fri 28-Mar-14 00:54:26

I don't post on here anonymously, my DH knows I'm on here, knows my user name too. We don't don't secrets, I expect him to be open and honest if I need it, he can expect the same from me. He knows how much MN has helped me when he hasn't been able to.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now