To be sad for dd?

(37 Posts)
Sparklysilversequins Thu 27-Mar-14 17:25:13

Dd's best friend is from Somalia and is Muslim.

It's dd's birthday in a couple of months and we we're going to take her and one friend to Legoland (dd chose this particular friend) and then have a small party for around 6 of her friends. Dd's friend has told her that she can't come to Legoland, her party or any play dates as she is only allowed to go to Muslim homes and parties. By this I assume only parties of children who are also Muslim.

They are 6 and 7 respectively. I really had hoped these issues wouldn't raise there heads just yet though I imagined they might as the girls got older.

Dd doesn't really understand and I don't know how to explain it any positive way tbh.

JeanSeberg Thu 27-Mar-14 17:27:37

That's terrible, poor girl (and your daughter).

Pantone363 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:27:51

If speak to the parents and ask them if this is actually the case.

If so just explain to DD that her friends parents have different beliefs that you and therefore she isn't allowed to come. Reiterate it gas nothing to do with her friend not wanting to come or any reflection on your DD. The onus here is on the girls parents.

consideringadoption84 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:28:32

Oh, that's a shame sad As it's her best friend then maybe (in future years, obviously it's too late now) you could avoid calling the birthday outings parties and call them trips.

This year, how about a separate little 'trip' just for those two girls.

Mim78 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:28:37

Sad for them both - the friend more so I think.

JeanSeberg Thu 27-Mar-14 17:29:14

I thought that but she said she's only allowed to go with other Muslims.

AlpacaLypse Thu 27-Mar-14 17:29:16

Have you had an opportunity to actually ask dd''s friend's mum? It may be that a specific invitation might get through a blanket 'no' in a way that a general invitation might not.

If it is still 'no' after that, I'm sure between us we can come up with a positively spun version of why the friend can't come.

almondcake Thu 27-Mar-14 17:29:32

I had a Muslim friend as a child whose parents would not allow her to come to my house, but would allow me to visit her house. Is it possible that they might allow DD to go to their house at some point.

I don't remember thinking of it as a big deal as a child, just that different families allow their kids to do different things, and that's how I would explain it to your DD. It didn't interfere with the friendship.

TheGreatHunt Thu 27-Mar-14 17:29:43

I feel sorry for the other girl. What a ridiculous way to act (her parents).

Bunbaker Thu 27-Mar-14 17:31:17

What a shame. By forbidding the children to see each other outside of school they aren't exactly encouraging racial and religious tolerance.

guineapig2014 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:31:24


ItsSpringBaby Thu 27-Mar-14 17:31:29

I would just say she's unable to come as she's busy doing other things, the same explanation you'd give for any other child who's parents refused an invite.

My son has a Somalian Muslim schoolfriend (a girl) who came to his birthday party last year, so it's probably specific to their family. At this young age I don't think you need to go into detail on the whys. But that's just me.

judogonzales Thu 27-Mar-14 17:32:19

Happens all the time around here, several friends of my DC have never come to birthday parties for that reason. DS's best friend has never come to a party of his. It has never stopped them playing and being good friends at school. I just say that not everybody goes to parties, some for religious reasons, some because they are busy, and some for a whole range of other reasons. They accept it.

I would not make a big deal out of it.

guineapig2014 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:32:48

Sorry YA N BU

tumbletumble Thu 27-Mar-14 17:33:22

That is sad sad

Sparklysilversequins Thu 27-Mar-14 17:38:39

Well I just played it down and said its because they belong to a different religion and church where they do things differently and not to worry, you'll still see her at school. She looked sad though and said "she doesn't really play with me now, she plays with S, (also Muslim). I can't speak to the parents as she doesn't really speak English. Also she never came to dd's party last year either, so I think it's pretty certain that it's coming from the parents.

judogonzales Thu 27-Mar-14 17:39:24

Having said that, many of their Muslim friends do come to parties, so it really depends on the individual family and/or the branch of Islam and customs. One Muslim friend of DD's was invited to her parties 4 years in a row, didn't come to the first 3, but came to the fourth party, probably because by then I had got to know the mother and could promise her that all the food would be halal, she would not sing 'happy birthday', and also, I allowed the elder sister to come along too.
Actually, there is one girl in DD's class who, I think, is 7-Day Adventist, and she never goes to parties either. I don't know if that is a religious thing or just her family though.

Contrarian78 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:39:49

That's tragic, and actually really annoys me. What hope is there for our society if kids don't integrate? I fail to see how being anything other than a Jehova's Witness would prevent you from attending a birthday party.

On the plus side, you can put those mini-sausages back on the menu! grin

WooWooOwl Thu 27-Mar-14 17:42:39

That's really sad.

I don't think there is any way you can explain it in a way that doesn't come across as negative, because it is a negative thing. Be honest with your dd and let her draw her own conclusions. She will probably feel sorry for her friend if she understands that it's because of the parents.

Bunbaker Thu 27-Mar-14 17:44:03

I so agree with you Contrarian78. It isn't just JW you can't invite to parties. At primary school I was friends with a girl who was Plymouth Brethren. She wasn't allowed to my 7th birthday party.

Ronmione Thu 27-Mar-14 17:45:32

Yanbu, it's very dad and extremely short sighted of the mum.

When I was at school my best friend wasn't allowed out at the weekends (senior school) in the end we grew apart as it became very lonely.

JuliaScurr Thu 27-Mar-14 17:47:04

my dd was only allowed to visit her muslim friend's home, not go anywhere else. there is the issue of prayer room suitable to use

Why is it ok for JWs to exclude parties and not Muslims? confused Surely if you think it's illogical for one religion it's illogical for all?

It's a shame for the children but this girl's parents believe they are doing what's right for her and that's what we should all be doing.

Bunbaker Thu 27-Mar-14 17:54:30

Because JWs don't celebrate birthdays. If it was an end of year party or end of exams then they are fine with that.

StarGazeyPond Thu 27-Mar-14 18:02:29

And so the next generation is being shown how to segregate themselves. It is so sad.

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