T consider stopping dd going on her school trip tomorrow because of her behaviour?

(32 Posts)
moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 09:30:38

Last few weeks hormones have truly hit.shes 11, before she has been very good tbh.

Complete attitude
rude
snapping at me all the time
our house is crap
her massive bedroom is crap
she TOLD me she was going to the disco on Friday rather than asking if she could please have the money to go.
Shes lying to me
twice in a week shes made comments about me taking her money , the latest being 'this is my card YOU cant take my money' (she has not got any bloody money and I dont take it) she owes ME loads.

Ive taken her tablet for the week, she doesnt care
shes been sent to bed after tea she doesnt care
Shes pissed of at me because I didnt bail her out about her homework and made her tell teacher she hadnt done it.

I dread her coming home tbh, I am not well at all and lived on egg shells with ex and feel like that again.

I dont see why I should stump up 20 quid and spending money for a treat when shes behaving like this.

wheresthelight Thu 27-Mar-14 09:34:53

If it's an educational trip linked to her learning in school then Yabvu

If however it's an excuse for a jolly and a day off school then yanbu and refuse to let her go!

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 09:37:31

Could you give her a hug and ask her how she's feeling?

thebody Thu 27-Mar-14 09:39:03

if it's all happened in the last few weeks you need to insist on a proper talk with her.

school trip is a distraction.

people too keen to Blame hormones per se.

why arnt you well? what's wrong and what's the deal with your ex? lots going on here.

thebody Thu 27-Mar-14 09:39:48

and yes teens need more hugs than toddlers.

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 09:39:53

Have done stripy over and over sad

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 09:41:13

What does she say?

CeliaFate Thu 27-Mar-14 09:41:16

I wouldn't stop her from going on the trip, as it's a school visit.
But I would sit down with her and tell her very firmly that if her attitude continues she will not be going to the school disco, you will cut up her card and she will be grounded until she learns some manners and respect.
You are the parent, take back some control. If you let her behave like this, the next few years will be horrendous.

whatever5 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:42:31

I think that if she has always been very good in the past you perhaps find out if there is anything wrong. Is she in primary school or secondary school?

I wouldn't give her spending money for a treat but I think that it would be too harsh to stop her going on a school trip.

Tuhlulah Thu 27-Mar-14 09:43:13

I understand why you might feel justified in doing this, but it won't help matters and will make them worse in the short term.

Can you not sit her down and talk to her, try to get what's at the bottom of it all. Explain that if it continues you will impose sanctions, that you understand it's a difficult time for her, but that you don't feel well and need her to behave better?

If its puberty related, you've got years of this in front of you. Confrontation isn't the way. You might be better trying to establish routines of talking to her, to find out what's the root cause, and being reasonable, because she learns how to respond from you. I am sure she is being vile, but you responding like an angry child won't help - you are her parent.

I am not saying don't punish -but I don't think (fwiw) that you should just impose quite harsh sanctions out of the blue. If you have said, "OK, if you do this again/don't do that again, I will seriously consider stopping you going on school trip,' and then give final warning, then yes, OK. But not out of the blue. She needs to feel stability, not unpredictability.

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 09:45:57

Sorry xpost

im in lots of pain at moment, waiting for neck and brain scans, dd is not aware of this.
Ex was EA , we left many years ago

I have sat down and spoke to her, she just comes out with 5 or 6 different reasons trying to pick one which she thinks will get me off her back.

I accept the reason she has come out with and we talk through a solution or I help her, shes horrid to me day after and uses a diffrrent excuse and so on.

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 09:52:09

Are you in pain? I am wondering if because of your illness you might have less patience and resilience, and she may be picking up on this but not knowing the reason why? Could her behaviour be a reaction to the way you are at the moment?

Could you explain to her what you need now from her, and why you are not yourself?

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 09:52:44

Sorry, you said you were in pain. X

Chippednailvarnish Thu 27-Mar-14 09:55:09

Can you let her go but without any spending money?

Tuhlulah Thu 27-Mar-14 09:56:56

I'm so sorry, OP.

She may have picked up on your feeling unwell, and be worried, and not want you to be unwell, so she treats you as though nothing is wrong, if you see what I mean.

I appreciate you don't want to worry her, but could you explain that you are feeling really unwell and need her help?

DancesinPuddles Thu 27-Mar-14 10:03:37

If you stop her going on the school trip doesn't that mean she'd be at home for the whole day? I'm not sure that would be great for either of you.

RedFocus Thu 27-Mar-14 10:05:50

I feel sorry for your daughter tbh. Even if it is just her hormones then the poor girl needs hugs not a mother who clearly doesn't remember what it was like to get that influx of hormones.
My daughter is 12 and has had the first influx and all I did was hand out cuddles and chats (lots of chocolate) and she is now over that and we are awaiting the next one.
Also it could be a problem elsewhere. She maybe having a hard time at school or perhaps a problem to do with dad and you, who knows unless you try and find out. Good luck op.

shewhowines Thu 27-Mar-14 10:08:49

I think she may be picking up on your understandable anxiety, about your medical troubles. She may be imagining all sorts. Be honest with her, and reassure her that you will be keeping her informed in the future. If it is only you looking after her, the fear of you being ill and potentially leaving her, will be magnified.

Don't punish with the school trip - that's school related - unless it is just an excuse for a jolly.

You have both got into a negative pattern of relating to each other. Nothing will change unless you step back from it all, and make changes. I had to do that once. Sometimes you are so embroiled in it all, you can't see the wood for the trees.

Start love bombing her. Keep hugging her and touching her and telling her you love her unconditionally, even if she shrugs you off. Fake it till you make it, if you are angry and don't feel too affectionate. Praise her and give treats when she is good. Just concentrate on one or two things you really need to change in her behaviour and be consistent with the consequences. She may say she doesn't care - but she does.

The lying is the most important. Tell her you need to trust what she says or does, just as she needs to be able to trust you. Punish more for the lying rather than the actual deed.

You can change this round. She won't change unless you force the changes.

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 10:12:35

Redfern if you read my later posts I do say that she getslots of hugs and I DO talk to her to find out what is going on, Ive checked no issues at school.

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 10:16:44

Good advice from shewhowines.

I'm going through this with my 10 yr old, without the added complication of poor health. This approach is really working for me.

Good luck op with this, and with your upcoming tests, hope all is well for you.

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 10:17:23

Thanks for the advice

MissMooMoo Thu 27-Mar-14 10:20:09

op has your daughter started her periods yet? girls can get very emotional and moody for a few months before hand.

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 10:21:28

Not yet but she is getting breasts and both me and mum were 11.

To those of you who are saying, basically, lots of hugs and cuddles, ask her what's wrong, don't be cross or punish her - I would say it isn't an either/or situation.

I went through this with ds3. There was a bit of it with the older two, but they were nothing like as bad as he was - the attitude, the rudeness, the laziness, stealing money from my purse, the names he called me - it was dreadful.

I did appreciate that he was going through puberty, and that the hormonal changes and the changes in his brain were producing a shit-storm of emotions in his body at exactly the same time as his brain was losing the ability to process these and to respond appropriately, and I was understanding - to a degree.

However, I also made it damn clear that there were consequences for his behaviour, and I was not going to let him get away with his bad behaviour.

We did our best to maintain clear boundaries, and to do so firmly and consistently, but as lovingly and empathetically as we could (it isn't easy to be really loving at the point where your son is calling you a fat cunt). I used to do my best to stay calm, not shout back, and would tell him that I loved him but hated his attitude and rudeness.

In the specific instance in the OP, I wouldn't arbitrarily remove a school trip with no prior warning - I would warn the lass now that she is on her last chance - one step more out of line, and there will be no £20 treat.

I will also say - ds3 is now nearly 17, and over the past year or 18 months, I have noticed a huge improvement. He is far more self-motivated with his school work - I think the year of his Standard Grades (Scottish equivalent to GCSEs) shocked him into action there - and he is far, far better at controlling his temper. It flares up sometimes, but even then, it is never anywhere near as bad as it used to be. He's not perfect, but I can see that he has come through the terrible teenage years, and is emerging into being a pretty nice human being. So there is hope.

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 10:37:14

Agree with you about boundaries genius. Boundaries definitely need to be in place too.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now