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AIBU?

WABU to 'volunteer' him for this?

26 replies

Dieu · 26/03/2014 09:32

Good morning everyone :o)
I'm having one of those 'is it just me?' moments, so I'd appreciate your thoughts on whether or not I have been unreasonable.
My husband (we're separated) came round this morning to take the kids to school. He has the dentist anyway this morning, which is directly behind their school. This is why he offered to take the kids to school this morning. A rare treat for me to miss the am school run (by bus, as I don't drive)!
I usually help out in my 7 year old's class on a Wednesday morning. This is nothing that's set in stone, it is absolutely not a concrete arrangement, rather an opportunity for parents to get involved in the school, if they so wish. I tend to do it every Wednesday morning anyway, and really enjoy being with the kids. Anyway, I had some stuff to do around the house this morning, and it was just too good an opportunity to miss being able to stay home!
I asked M. in conversation what time his dentist appointment was. 9.45, he said. Ooh, said I, perhaps you could go into the classroom instead of me this morning? The helping out, usually with a set task, only takes about 20 - 25 minutes and school starts at 9.
Cue lots of huffing and puffing from him. He didn't know where the classroom was. Being with the kids wasn't his 'skills set'. He didn't have enough money on him for the parking for that length of time (I gave him the extra money). I never think about the practicalities of these things, apparently. And many other passive aggressive comments muttered under his breath. I should add that he is a high earner in a very responsible job. Not some numpty.
So the upshot is that he will do it, but only after making me feel like shit about suggesting it :o(
Funny, but I was chatting to a friend last night about sponsorships for the kids' Sport Relief activities. She mentioned that her husband had taken their forms into his work and ended up getting their kids loads of sponsorship money. I was stunned. It never would have occurred to me to ask M. to do this, as I would have been faced with the usual fuss like I've outlined above. It's unnecessary and exhausting.
Maybe he thinks it's 'women's work' to do this kind of thing. I don't know. Sigh Would like to hear what you think. Thanks in advance for reading.

OP posts:

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Dieu · 26/03/2014 09:34

oops, that second smile was meant to be a frown! I was using punctuation marks for the faces (dinosaur that am) and it obviously didn't work that time!

OP posts:

Lottiedoubtie · 26/03/2014 09:35

Yabu, don't volunteers have to be reference and DBS checked?

It's not that he shouldn't be asked but it's a bit much to try and force him.

Dieu · 26/03/2014 09:37

Hi Lottie. No, they don't. Probably because there's a teacher and assistant always present in the room. I didn't try to force him but yeah, I do see where you're coming from. I guess I thought he might as well do it, as he had a 45 min gap between dropping them off and dentist. Cheers.

OP posts:

NotJustACigar · 26/03/2014 09:38

It doesn't sound like you volunteered him in that you spoke to him first rather than telling the school he would do it without checking with him first. I think that's fine although he should have been allowed to say no and then you could have called the school and simply said you wouldn't be in. So the fact that you didn't really give him a choice means YABU I'm afraid.

Also I don't think people should be expected to take children's sponsorship forms in to work. It can be very awkward - for example if the boss asks people to donate then it's almost an obligation and can breed resentment.

sunbathe · 26/03/2014 09:38

Hmm, yes, ywbu.

StrawberryGashes · 26/03/2014 09:39

Yabu, you may want to get involved with the school but that doesn't mean he does, you shouldn't have forced him into it. I would hate this kind of thing too.

Dieu · 26/03/2014 09:40

Okay, I'm glad I asked as it's good to see it from the other side. Thanks for replying. As I said though, it's a very loose arrangement, with no need to call up or say who is doing it. It's just that I tend to do it every week, but I definitely wouldn't say there's a firm expectation from the school.

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 26/03/2014 10:03

Personally, I wouldn't like to be asked to volunteer on the morning of, I would prefer it to be discussed in advance because I hate changes in routine. I also might want a breather between the drop off and the dentist's appointment rather than cramming in another activity. He should have pointed that out politely though rather than being passive aggressive.

Topaz25 · 26/03/2014 10:05

I don't think your school's way of handling this is typical TBH. They don't know who is volunteering and anyone can just drop in without having to be checked? That surprises me nowadays.

Dieu · 26/03/2014 10:06

Thanks for your reply Topaz. It's such a small school and they know who all the parents are.

OP posts:

claraschu · 26/03/2014 10:11

Our school is just as informal with volunteers, and it is really nice.

YWNBU; you suggested that he go in to class, something that he wouldn't normally think of doing. It's a nice chance for him to see a bit more of his son's school, and if he really didn't want to he could have just said no, as it is not a firm commitment on your part.

Topaz25 · 26/03/2014 10:14

Fair enough, I don't want to come across as a worrier, I think some places can go too far with checks etc, I was just surprised.

Dieu · 26/03/2014 10:15

daughter's school, but I didn't make that clear! Thanks claraschu.
Off to get ready for the pre-school run. Aah, the time just flies when you really don't want it to!

OP posts:

NurseyWursey · 26/03/2014 10:38

YABU

pigsDOfly · 26/03/2014 11:52

It's your arrangement OP not his, why would you think he should take it over at a moment's notice. You enjoy it, doesn't mean he has to want to do it.

Also as far as the sponsorship thing goes, and dependant on the age of the children, isn't it up to the children to get their own sponsors not for their parents to pressure work colleagues, who probably don't even know the children, into paying out for something they have no interest in.

AngelaDaviesHair · 26/03/2014 11:58

Some replies are a bit harsh here. You suggested it and yes, arguably landed it on him a bit. But he made a lot of fuss instead of just saying he didn't want to. It was open to him to refuse, but actually he was prepared to do it. If he always makes a fuss like this instead of simple yes I will/no I won't replies, then I think maybe he just likes to be a martyr or make you feel bad. Sorry to say.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 26/03/2014 12:02

YABU...suggesting it to him
Is reasonable, but not volunteering him.

I would not be impressed at being asked to sponsor someone's child at work. It's bad enough sponsoring the adults.

UncleT · 26/03/2014 12:08

YABU. If he didn't want to do it, no should have been an acceptable answer. It wasn't part of his plans, you should by all means suggest if you like, but giving him extra money for parking when he clearly isn't keen is a bit u.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/03/2014 12:08

He didn't fancy the idea so huffed and puffed, fair enough - if he really didn't want to do it he won't have bothered. OP didn't ring up school and say roll out the red carpet, he's on his way.

Comeatmefam · 26/03/2014 12:11

YABU - doesn't matter what you think he (or anyone) else 'should' do, it's up to him.

morethanpotatoprints · 26/03/2014 12:32

YABU.

He didn't volunteer. I know lots of parents who wouldn't/ couldn't have done this, including women too.

It is a good idea for the sponsorship though and your x should be involved with the school when all others are. Sports day, Christmas fayre and nativity etc. YWNBU to suggest these things to him.

5Foot5 · 26/03/2014 13:05

Some replies are a bit harsh here

I disagree. I think the OP WBVU to expect her DH to undertake a voluntary task in her place. I would hate it if someone tried to foist something like that on me.

I also disagree about the sponsorship forms. I work in an office where we regularly get sponsorship forms for people doing fundraising events. And that is fine I usually contribute. But if people started bringing in forms on their children's behalf as well there would be no end to it.

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claraschu · 26/03/2014 16:25

The OP said "Perhaps you could go into the class instead of me this morning".

She made the mistake of using the expression "volunteer" him in her thread title.

If she had said "WIBU to ask DH if he would perhaps do some reading in DDs class (because he had a free 45' to kill)", it would have been more accurate, and fewer people would have been filled with righteous indignation.

aworkingmummy · 26/03/2014 16:34

I don't think it was unreasonable - i think you suggested something that he might never have thought of doing but might have quite enjoyed. He could've just said no!
I agree with what claraschu said too.

ClownsLeftJokersRight · 26/03/2014 16:41

'an opportunity for parents to get involved in the school, if they so wish'. Well, he didn't really wish to. You like it, it's not his thing.

Yabu. Not wanting to help in a classroom is allowed.

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