Re changing children's names.

(118 Posts)

Am divorcing my husband, will be returning to my maiden name at some point in the near future. Want to change kids names to double barrel of both our names because I don't want to use his name anymore yet want to have same name as my children. We are now arguing about whose name should come first in the double barrel, I would prefer my name first, not because it's my name but actually because my name is an address suffix (like crescent, avenue etc) so having his name first it sounds like a place name or part of an address.
Of course he wants his name first, because it wouldn't be manly for mine to be first I suspect.
I have suggested that as we can't agree, rather than argue, we let the kids decide which way round they want it since it will be their name.
Apparently this is me wanting it all my own way! Aibu?

Middleagedmotheroftwo Tue 25-Mar-14 14:18:48

Bloody hell, now I've clicked on the photo too - disgusting!

ComposHat Tue 25-Mar-14 14:19:36

Countess in the US doesn't the double barrelling tendto happen on marriage and not get passed onto the children?

Eg. Bill Clinton
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Chelsea Clinton.

GoldieBear Tue 25-Mar-14 14:31:16

I can't see pictures. Someone fill me in please

What pictures? where, I'm on my phone

Omg I have just looked on my photos! I am so sorry folks, that was from months ago when I thought my daughter might have blood in her nappy, I'll delete now, sorry!

morethanacondiment Tue 25-Mar-14 14:35:57

Dirty nappy. I'm hoping they were linked to a "is my DC's nappy ok?" query, rather than being a MN rite of passage I've missed.

jay55 Tue 25-Mar-14 14:37:01

If you remarry will they have to change again?

BeverleyMoss Tue 25-Mar-14 14:37:59

YABU to be considering this right now.

And it's not about what you or your STBXH want, it's about what your children want at an age when they are able to make the decision which is right for them.

morethanacondiment Tue 25-Mar-14 14:38:26

Sorry, Twatty, X-post! I wonder if you could sell it to your ex and DC by pointing out that it'll make holidays abroad easier if both names are on their passports, or by treating your surname as a middle name? More of a two surname job than a double barrel?

caruthers Tue 25-Mar-14 14:38:29

You are divorcing your husband.

Your children are not.

ICanSeeTheSun Tue 25-Mar-14 14:38:44

It's their name, fine if you want to change your name but not theirs.

I don't have a professional reputation with my married name, it won't be a new name I'm using it will be my maiden name. Legally I know he doesn't have to agree to change their names, but morally I think it would be right to do so if the children agree, because why should they have his name and not mine? I gave birth to them just as much as he fathered them?
I actually would be more than happy to have his name first if it didn't sound like part of an address.
Re asking the kids, they are 9 and 7.5 and 1, I don't think any of them are mature enough to make that decision as to whether they want to change names or not, and actually, you are right it's not fair to ask them to choose knowing they will upset one or other of us. Maybe flipping a coin is best

DinoSnores Tue 25-Mar-14 14:42:21

Countess, others have already corrected your statement with regards to Spain and the USA, "On the other hand, I know of a few cultures (Spain, Scotland, USA) where having both surnames is totally normal, and they all always order it MotherName FatherName."

Having both surnames is NOT usual in Scotland either. Not quite sure why you might think that although often one of the children (but not all) is given the mother's maiden name as a middle name but it is not used as a surname. Their father's name is the surname.

I'm aware that my children are not divorcing their father, that's why it's important that his name will still be a part of their name, but I also think it's important that my name is in there too!

TinyTear Tue 25-Mar-14 14:46:37

Spain it's fathersurname mothersurname and most people use the first surname

Portugal it's mothersurname fathersurname and most people use the last surname or both

I added my DH surname to my name on marriage, and my DD is Mysurname DHsurname as two surnames and she can decide which ones to use when older. at the moment at nursery we use both

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Tue 25-Mar-14 14:47:08

Legally I know he doesn't have to agree to change their names, but morally I think it would be right to do so if the children agree

Legally he DOES have to give permission for you to change dc names.

BeverleyMoss Tue 25-Mar-14 14:48:46

why should they have his name and not mine? I gave birth to them just as much as he fathered them?

But you made the decision to give them his name already, this shouldn't change just because you are divorcing him. Presumably he will still have contact with them unless there is a huge backstory here in which he deserve to be banished from their lives?

Sorry, that should have read legally I know he does need to give consent, not doesn't.
No he doesn't deserve to be banished from their lives, he's a good and caring father.
The children have his name because we were married and I didn't realise when I married that I had the option not to change my name to his.
We are divorcing because of adultery on his side, I want nothing more to do with his name and would like to be free of it.

QuacksForDoughnuts Tue 25-Mar-14 14:57:04

She's not taking his name off them! Why does he want his name first, anyway? That's the one people are most likely to drop. You could try giving them a choice, provided they know the parameters are the two existing names together or in all possible combinations, rather than renaming themselves 'Poopyhead' or whatever other delightful names children that age would come up with on their own initiative.

Lemonylemon Tue 25-Mar-14 14:58:18

I would ask the DCs what they would like to do.

My DCs both have their father's names, resulting in 3 different surnames in the household. They've both decided that they want to have my surname put at the end of their names.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Tue 25-Mar-14 14:58:23

I want nothing more to do with his name and would like to be free of it

That is your choice, Your dc have no reason to want to be free of Their name.

thegreylady Tue 25-Mar-14 14:59:04

I'd want his name first as a kind of middle name so the last name would be the same as yours.

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 25-Mar-14 15:00:31

How is he being banished from their life if she is not outright changing it.

She only wants to double barrel

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 25-Mar-14 15:03:08

And he's happy for it to happen he's just complaining about the order

LouiseAderyn Tue 25-Mar-14 15:07:26

OP, give in and let him put his name first. As time goes by, you will find it likely that the first name gets dropped and it the second name that people use. Your dc will end up using your name more than his, which will be a good result for you.

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