Yes, it's petty but AIBU to be pissed off?

(32 Posts)
Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 09:49:44

I've posted about this before - horrible SIL, her finance is cheating with her bridesmaid etc.

Anyway, if you remember the thread, you might remember that I wanted to get revenge because she went out of her way to spoil my wedding day, bringing up the ow when it was over years ago, and she also told me she wanted to 'copy' my wedding ideas but go 'one better'. I told her it wasn't a competition etc. Since then, they have booked their wedding and sure enough she is copying my wedding ideas down to the last detail.

Now I'm not bothered about that beyond thinking its a bit odd. However, I bumped into one of her friends at the weekend who told me that she's been telling everyone the reason we don't speak anymore is because I stole her wedding ideas hmm. Again, this wouldn't ordinarily bother me but for the fact that I've started a wedding business (which is so far going well) and I'm worried this could damage business for me. We live in a small town where news and rumour are rife and travel fast so I'm not being dramatic to worry about this as a possibility. To put it into context, I designed and made everything for my wedding and didn't use suppliers.

So, AIBU to be so bothered by this and should I message her to nicely tell her to stop? I know she's doing this to piss me off so I don't want to play into her pathetic games but equally, I just want her to stop lying.

Mogz Tue 25-Mar-14 09:52:30

Ignore her, I'm pretty sure people will realise she's talking out of her arse seeing as you had your wedding well before her and, well, that only idiots go around spouting off crap like that.

Hassled Tue 25-Mar-14 09:53:55

What's the original reason for you both disliking each other? Was there a particular falling out over something which could be talked about and possibly resolved? Because as it stands, I don't see how you messaging her and asking her to stop will make any difference - she clearly has major issues with you for whatever reason and she won't stop being your SIL suddenly - you need to talk to her and see if things can be patched up long-term.

I don't know if she's a brother's wife or your DH's sister - but could they get involved and help?

softlysoftly Tue 25-Mar-14 09:55:45

I remember your thread, you are both married to cheating scummers yes?

Anyway leaving that behind, I think you need to rise above and ignore, she's not going to stop because you ask her, she clearly wants to wind you up so you will just add fuel to it and she'll have another story to tell about you "threatening her" she sounds the type.

Your wedding business if its going to work can't be weak enough to be shaken by a bitter SIL, just get it on a solid ground, get some established stuff eg website, images, literature, samples etc and ignore.

When hearing "gossip" I always hold the most respect for and believe the people who can ignore it and remain professional, those that get into sniping matches I deem as bad as each other and avoid.

Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 10:13:33

She's actually always been very unkind to me but I've no idea why because I've gone out of my way to be nice to her. She's my husband's brother's soon to be wife. In the run up to the wedding she and another relative launched what I can only describe as a campaign against me, posting really upsetting and nasty things on Facebook but I rose above it for the benefit of family harmony. Following her behaviour at the wedding, I took the decision after 12 years of her utter nastiness, to go NC. I've been much happier since.

It's very early days for my business, I'm in the process if setting up a website etc. but have several orders already. Whilst I haven't yet built up a reputation, I worry that her lies might damage that before it's even got going.

softlysoftly Tue 25-Mar-14 10:31:06

The thing is there is literally nothing you can do to stop her other than perhaps sue for defamation? But that seems a little OTT and expensive!

So the best you can do is ignore ignore ignore and hope people realise that its unlikely you stole and made all HER ideas years before her own wedding, which is to be fair an idiotic thing to claim.

I seriously doubt anyone with any sense will believe her. They may however try to drag you into the drama with "ooooh guess what x is saying", best response "Oh I know" <<roll eyes and change subject>>

Just don't engage it will frustrate her way more.

Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 10:42:28

Yes, you're all right, I do need to ignore this. I wish I could rise above it and not care but it all just seems so unjust. I put a lot if creative effort into my wedding (and yes, I know nobody else will have cared about this) and on the back of it, was offered several business opportunities before deciding to go into business myself. She's been so unkind towards me and then starts spreading lies.

My wedding was actually only last year and they did have theirs booked before us but cancelled it so I guess people might see the potential for there being truth in what she says. I've spent well over a decade rising above her behaviour and yet she's still getting away with it.

softlysoftly Tue 25-Mar-14 10:45:48

It is frustrating and you are allowed to seethe, rant and call down all types of dire consequence on her head in the privacy of your own home.

Just let her see the serene swan like persona of a calm and unruffled you, will piss her off no end I promise!

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 10:49:10

I totally get how aggravated you are. I would be too. I'd be seething.

However, there's no getting around the fact that indifference will drive her crazier than anything else.

People know you are trying to set up as a wedding planner. Why on earth would you steal ideas for your own wedding from her?! It's so preposterous as to be laughable.
She is making a perfect arse of herself. Let her, and don't you dare join in.

Continue to stay well away.

NoNoNoNoNoYabu Tue 25-Mar-14 10:52:44

Laugh and say "she has her story, I have mine."

Be dignified

Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 10:57:15

Oh I do hope you're right softly grin. I'm not a great believer in karma but it's times like this that I really wish I did. I think part of the problem is that DH is next to useless at standing up for me so over the years she's got away with more and more unkindness.

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 10:57:25

Ah yes...I see...she booked wedding first then cancelled, yours followed, you got offered work on the back of your ideas...she claims they were her ideas in the first place. Got it.

Same applies. You have done nothing wrong. You don't need to defend yourself. If it comes up, just treat it with the disregard it deserves, and laugh at it good naturedly. Be unfazed.
It'll drive her mad. Lol! grin

chocoluvva Tue 25-Mar-14 11:01:50

People will see her for the oddball that she is and pay no attention to her allegations.

Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 11:02:44

Sorry, couple of x-posts there. That's great advice for dealing with anyone who tries to get a rise out of me or repeats the rumours.

pictish, thank you for making me see that it is preposterous. I only started this business up two months ago and since then have helped 10 people with their upcoming weddings and not one has been similar to the others, or even similar to my own. Good job I have more than one design idea up my sleeve and don't have to rely on anyone else for ideas grin. I'm not even sure if she knows about my business yet, although she knew last year I was planning to do it at some point soon. Hopefully she'll feel like a fool when she realises I'm more than just a one trick pony and as far as I'm concerned, she can consider the loan of my ideas for one event her wedding gift smile.

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 11:06:36

I agree choco.

When OP says "She's actually always been very unkind to me but I've no idea why because I've gone out of my way to be nice to her" - I just think she's a woman who likes creating conflict and having someone to pitch against. Or in layman's terms, an arsehole.

Give her enough rope and all that OP.

youarewinning Tue 25-Mar-14 11:09:46

I agree ignore. If anything it could be useful for your business. So people hear your idea was hers; nosy on your website; see all your others ideas; like what they see; use or recommend you.

Unless she's planning on getting married a hundred times I doubt she can accuse every idea as being copied from her own wedding grin

pictish Tue 25-Mar-14 11:10:19

Hopefully she'll feel like a fool when she realises I'm more than just a one trick pony and as far as I'm concerned, she can consider the loan of my ideas for one event her wedding gift smile

Quite right. What a silly bitch.
<chinks champagne flutes with OP>

LadyMud Tue 25-Mar-14 11:11:56

"she can consider the loan of my ideas for one event her wedding gift"
That's a lovely gracious way to look at things. Good luck with your business!

Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 11:12:27

It's interesting you mention that pictish because as part of my job I've had to attend a course on conflict studies. It has been nothing short of therapy and we were really encouraged to analyse our own conflicts and understand the part we play. It has really helped me to see things from a more neutral perspective and realise that the position I want to get to is one of indifference and then I can laugh at the level of emotional energy she is wasting on someone who doesn't give a damn. As this thread demonstrates though, it's a work in progress grin but I've come a long way since my previous 'revenge' thread.

minouminou Tue 25-Mar-14 11:14:06

"Ah, well...it's all publicity, I guess...."

Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 11:18:47

youre, I hadn't considered that angle. I guess people will be nosy enough to check to see just how much I 'stole' her ideas and with a bit of luck it might lead to some more business for me.

Reflecting on why I'm so bothered by this situation, I guess that a big problem has been lack of confidence to go for it. It has taken nearly a year for me to get started because I've had an internal conflict over whether I was good enough at this to sell my design ideas. That's slowly improving due to the feedback I've been getting from clients but I won't deny this has felt like a set back and reintroduced those feelings of self doubt. Now just to keep working on that indifference plan so she has no power to make me feel like this.

SlimJiminy Tue 25-Mar-14 14:50:30

I'm self-employed and I can tell you that those feelings of self-doubt won't go away. The trick is surround yourself with the positive stuff. My DH is completely wonderful at telling me how well I'm doing - even when I'm doubtful. Then there are the testimonials from all your happy clients. Collect them. Publish them. Read them often. They'll do wonders for your self-confidence. I have a little notebook where I list positive moments too - I choose one positive thing from each day (sometimes I cheat and spread two positives over two days, but the idea is still the same). Surround yourself with positive people. Cut out all the negative energy. Minimise the amount of contact you have with her and focus on the good stuff that's happening. Focus, focus, focus. Positive thinking. Don't drown yourself in this crap - you're starting a new business, you need to get organised and focus on doing everything you need to do to make sure it takes off. Imagine yourself a year from now... then 3 years... then 5 years down the line... you'll be so proud of yourself and she'll still be seething, negative, bitter, moaning and gossiping with whoever will listen. Fuck that!!

Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 17:00:25

Thank you slim, the end of your post made me grin.

I love your advice about surrounding myself with positivity. I think I will start writing down what my clients have said so I can read it back later. I have a part time job too so I'm finding it tough to juggle demands but so far I've really enjoyed it and I'm already feeling a massive sense of achievement from the work I've done.

Thank you everyone - I knew you'd all calm me down and put this firmly into perspective flowers.

Oldraver Tue 25-Mar-14 18:56:26

If people do come and have a nosy at your website off the back of her gossip they will very quickly realise whose the ideas are and where they came from. As you said she has ONE for now wedding and I assume you have LOTS of wedding ideas.

It may ne annoying now hearing she is backstabbing you but I think in this case truth will out and people will see her for what she is (not that it should matter anyway)

Revenger Tue 25-Mar-14 20:37:44

Unfortunately I don't have a website at the moment. My current plan is to develop a logo and create a portfolio of work including samples to photograph and then move onto website development. Having to balance my day job with orders and progressing the business, I'm not sure when I'll be at a point to properly 'launch' it. Her wedding is coming up soon though so I think that might give me a loose deadline to work with. There will be a few of her guest list cross over with ours so goodness knows what they will be thinking particularly if she's also spun them the same lie. Many of her friends are engaged or at that age where they are settling down and thinking about marriage so they are my target demographic so I need to be able to turn this situation to my advantage and be up and running before then.

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