Ex won't let Ds go to his wedding because he is bisexual? Is he being unreasonable?

(56 Posts)
Cakeandcoffeeandtea Mon 24-Mar-14 16:06:50

Ds's Dad is getting married in a few months in Poland. It was arranged that Ds would be going.

I've known for 2 years that Ds is bisexual. He didn't tell his Dad, I respected his choice. Yesterday his Dad found out via FB. He wasn't happy at all.

He's now saying Ds can't go to his wedding because he won't be safe going to Poland and being bisexual.

I think he's making excuses because he's not happy about it.

sparechange Tue 25-Mar-14 09:14:07

I used to have to travel to Poland regularly for work. Not just the cities, but the very rural areas where it was pretty common to see horses and carts on the roads.
My colleague from our Polish office, who accompanied me for most of the trips was gay and out. Part of our work involved liaising with the border police, and the head of the local office was a lesbian.
In the many dinners and drinks and chats we had, neither of them every said to me their sexuality caused them problems. Both had reached senior positions at work. Both lived with their partners.

That isn't to say homophobic discrimination doesn't go on. But in rural England where I am originally from and urban Northern Ireland where DH is from, it happens as well. That doesn't mean all bisexual people should fear going to a wedding in the UK.

Your Ex is being a grade A bigot and arse, and using some flimsy argument to push his own prejudices and homophobia. Your poor son to have to realise that is the sort of dad he has sad

henrysmam Tue 25-Mar-14 09:11:03

I know ds is only 17have but think he should be given all the info possible and be guided to make his own mind up. Father seems negative about the whole thing. I would hope there would be enough people at the wedding who love and care for your son that he would be supported and protected. Explain your fears and be totally honnest. He should have the chance to go if if if he still wants to. It is an opportunity for him to travel and see family. His dad would be wrong to uninvite him. Good luck.

I'm Polish and find this thread quite upsetting, but maybe you're all right and I'm just blinkered and naive... sad

AramintaDeWinter Tue 25-Mar-14 08:52:29

I think it's safe to say your ex is a nobber, going by his immediate reaction to learning that his son is bisexual, and he is using the apparent homophobic situation in Poland to justify his own homophobic views.
He's just found out his son's sexuality and his immediate reaction is to ban him from his wedding? A real man and father would be wanting to support his son, and discussing ways of ensuring his safety when he attends the wedding. Eg making sure son is appraised of the potential risks and of ways of reducing those risks.
As it is the only thing your ex seems to care about is himself and how he will look in front of his new Polish family. Definitely a nobber.

MusicalEndorphins Tue 25-Mar-14 04:02:54

Of course her dad sounded hateful and violent, and may very well have said that no matter where he lived. Probably was a poor example.

MusicalEndorphins Tue 25-Mar-14 04:00:57

I believe your son would be facing more risks to his safety in Poland, yes. I am not educated on the topic, but a gay (Polish) friend said her father would literally kill her if she ever returned.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Poland

olidusUrsus Tue 25-Mar-14 03:04:15

Oh ffs. There are homophobic people everywhere. There are homosexuals everywhere. This thread is an infuriating mass of generalisations.

Grennie Tue 25-Mar-14 00:32:36

manic - I have come across some very homophobic Polish people in the UK - although obviously not all are. There was a small demonstration against our local LGB pride which apparently consisted almost totally of Polish people.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Mon 24-Mar-14 23:52:33

OH is Polish, from what I've seen from our friends both over here and in Poland sadly they are generally very homophobic IME.

Polish weddings are usually long drawn out affairs, they go on right through the night until the next morning and a massive and I mean MASSIVE amount of vodka is consumed.

The potential for alcohol fuelled nonsense would be pretty high I imagine, sorry to say but I think he is best staying away sad

manicinsomniac Mon 24-Mar-14 23:35:47

This is a really surprising and sad thread to me. I had no idea things were so bad in a country so close to us.

There are millions of Poles living in this country aren't there? I don't actually know any in person but I don't think they are generally known as homophobic are they? Maybe they are. I feel very ignorant.

OP, I was coming on to say YANBU and to slate you ex partner. But, having read the thread, it seems he might just be concerned for his son. Very sad situation sad

tulipsaredelicious Mon 24-Mar-14 23:35:38

In fact, I would bend over backwards to make sure my child felt included.

NigellasDealer Mon 24-Mar-14 23:33:50

there would be the threat of violence - my ex is Polish and there is just no way that we could discuss our son's dubious sexuality without him shouting about 'fucking poofs' (sorry) anything really

tulipsaredelicious Mon 24-Mar-14 23:32:37

I would move the wedding to a new venue rather than have my child feel ostracized.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 24-Mar-14 23:27:16

If I was getting married and I truly believed that one of my kids would not be welcome / safe at the wedding due to who they were then I'd be moving the wedding - not uninviting one of the kids.

If the person I was marrying did not agree that marrying somewhere that did not welcome my child was inappropriate - well- that would end the problem anyway as there would be no wedding.

beals692 Mon 24-Mar-14 22:20:50

Slightly concerned that I've just booked a holiday to Poland....I'll just have to try not to look too gay while I'm over there sad

All the Polish people I know here in the UK are fine about it though.

bochead Mon 24-Mar-14 21:58:40

If he's publicly declared his sexuality on facebook then the info may already have reached those you really, really wouldn't want it to.

You have no idea who is in the brides wedding party, and a Dad who has said it won't be safe. Sometimes we may not like the content, but to ignore the message is just dangerously stupid.

Naivety and asking everyone to sing kumbya together nicely doesn't work when being kicked by jack booted thugs. You can be right and be dead.

RainbowSpiral Mon 24-Mar-14 21:41:32

If ds understood all this couldn't he go and just leave the pink jeans and nail polish at home - its only for a few days. Jeans are not wedding attire anyway. It is his dads wedding and a big deal to miss.

bochead Mon 24-Mar-14 20:09:13

Keep your son safe - a lad I went to primary school with was murdered due to his sexuality in south london as a teen - his poor Mum has never recovered.

Abide by the warning his other parent is giving you as E. Europe generally seems to be going thru a really nasty intolerant phase right now generally (I'm hoping we in Britain don't wind up importing it by default). Much better your son's feelings are hurt than he gets his head stomped in. You don't know your ex's bride's extended family etc,etc.

Some things just aren't worth the risk.

Cakeandcoffeeandtea Mon 24-Mar-14 19:43:52

Lots of opinions, thank you.

I'm feeling less angry at my ex now.

Floralnomad Mon 24-Mar-14 19:32:57

I must say I felt a little uneasy about my gay DS visiting Russia last year but I wouldn't have tried to stop him going ,I just advised him to keep his opinions to himself .( he's not that obviously gay)

GertTheFlirt Mon 24-Mar-14 19:25:02

Poland, I'm sure is lovely really.

We had a school trip and it invited every right wing bigot going in a jack booted, skin headed 30 mile radius. You would have thought the Poles wouldn't be into fascism but we had it all - homophobic abuse, racial abuse (they dont like black people, oh no they dont, they really dont) , they shouted "whore" at the girls who wore make up. Trust me, this was an over dressed brigade due to the minus temperatures, not a group of lasses in hot pants and boob tubes. Bloody horrendous place.

But back to the OPs dilema - Poland is intolerant. No I wouldnt put my child in any form of danger by suggesting he take his bisexuality into a completely intolerant atmosphere.

OlympiaFox Mon 24-Mar-14 19:17:44

I think it depends on how easily the other guests could find out if he's bi (through a public fb account for example) or if he's unprepared to pretend otherwise. I know some Polish people and from what I hear Poland is a few decades behind in terms of attitudes toward gays/bis/trans etc... It could be very dangerous for a young person who doesn't understand how important it is to keep that side of yourself hidden because those attitudes can easily transform into violence. It's impossible to judge without knowing everybody involved, maybe your ex is angry with or embarrassed by him or maybe he is genuinely concerned for his safety.

kentishgirl Mon 24-Mar-14 17:26:42

Well I doubt the lad is going to try to cop off with the best man in the middle of the reception.

It can't be 'written all over him' if Dad has never noticed, can it.

Is this more about what his inlaws/new wife will think?

GarlicMarchHare Mon 24-Mar-14 17:07:17

I wouldn't advise a gay/bi teenager to attend a gathering of homophobes in any country, especially ones he doesn't already know but who probably know of his leanings. The potential for stress, anxiety and even violence would be high. It's too much for many adults, let alone a teen.

He's the perfect age to learn about bigotry & oppression and form political opinions. He might want to find out about, and even get involved with, supporting those risking their lives for gay rights in Russia and Africa right now. If he later chooses to confront homophobia in person, fully informed, good for him ... but his father's wedding isn't the right place to start learning.

EurotrashGirl Mon 24-Mar-14 17:03:10

OP, if your XH thinks its so obvious that your DS is bi just by looking at him, why didn't he figure it out sooner himself? Why did he have to find out via Facebook? I think his argument is BS.

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