To think dp is unreasonable to not let me get a dog?

(39 Posts)
Dereklovesdougie Mon 24-Mar-14 10:25:14

Before we moved in together I told do how much it would mean to me to get a dog, I'd wanted one for years and when he said he'd be happy for me to get one when we moved I was over the moon. Once we moved he changed his mind, said getting a dog would be expensive, tying and messy and he was not going to budge on it. We've had many arguments over it but he simply won't even consider it. His excuse now being that we both work full time. Yes we do but my full time hours are split into two mid days a week and one weekend day meaning the dog would only be alone from 8am until 4pm twice a week. Some weeks it wouldn't even be that. My 13 year old son is also desperate for a dog and I know he'd help out with walks and classes etc. I feel really resentful, especially since in his previous relationship they had dogs throughout their 16 years together and the photos of them and their bloody dog are now in my garage. He likes dogs so it's not a case of having an animal in the house that he doesn't like. Is it not really unfair for him to totally veto this decision in the way that he has?? Another thing that upset me is that he said "you didn't have a dog when we met". I replied "no because I was in rented accommodation and the landlord said no" so dip retorted "well, can't have meant that much to you then or you would have moved". Yes because lone parents on uni bursaries tend to have loads of options like that. How insensitive.

Topaz25 Mon 24-Mar-14 12:37:15

Please don't bring a pet into this situation. If your relationship is not working an extra responsibility will add extra pressure. If you separate a pet will be an extra expense to shoulder alone. You can't rely on your 13 year old for pet care. Hopefully he will help out but it's not guaranteed and he could be off to uni in a few years, leaving you to look after the dog on your own. Why not postpone the decision to get a dog until things are more stable?

Topaz25 Mon 24-Mar-14 12:33:23

*This would be a deal-breaker for me.

Not necessarily just because you want a dog, but because your 'P' is going back on his word.*

They're adults, it's not a case of 'you pinky promised, no takesy backsies!' Circumstances change. Maybe he agreed to a dog when the relationship was going well and then when it wasn't made the mature decision not to bring another life into the situation. Should he have taken on a 15 year responsibility he would resent just to keep a promise?

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 24-Mar-14 12:10:22

KEGirl - "This would be a deal-breaker for me. Not necessarily just because you want a dog, but because your 'P' is going back on his word."

But by that token, you're saying no one in a relationship is allowed to change their mind on something.

Anyway, besides the point. The OP has much bigger problems than this dog business and I am not quite sure why she is posting several threads, all of which are basically saying the same things - get out. Stop wasting time on here OP, you know what we're all saying, just do it.

OnlyLovers Mon 24-Mar-14 12:06:43

and then when you are out shopping, picking DC up, out for the evening and weekends doing things presumably

But a lot of dogs would be left alone in these (not unusual) scenarios. Depending on the dog I don't think this would necessarily be a problem.

On the downside, you cannot rely on a 13-year-old to share the responsibility of a dog. I thought I would 'look after' the dog we got when I was a kid, but try to hazard a guess as to who ACTUALLY took it out when the weather wasn't nice, bathed it, fed it, noticed when it was ill and needed the vet etc? Clue: not me.

Also, I haven't read your other thread either but it doesn't sound from the comments on this one as if your relationship is good anyway.

bonesarecoralmade Mon 24-Mar-14 12:01:17

yabu. I haven't read the other thread, but asking someone who doesn't want to, to live with a dog, isn't fair. Maybe you have to choose between the man and the dog. But you can't expect him to have one if he doesn't want one.

Floralnomad Mon 24-Mar-14 11:57:40

Just read through your other thread and please don't bring another life into the mess that is this relationship a dog will definitely not be the answer to your problems it will just add to them .

ProlificPenguin Mon 24-Mar-14 11:57:29

I have read your other OP and seriously I think that the dog (lack of) isn't your biggest problem here. Do you want to be with this man? With or without a dog?

Would you be happier with you, your DC's and a dog? Your DC's probably won't mind moving if they will be in a happier home, potentially with a new woof?

As for people going on about leaving dog, could you get a neighbour to pop in during term time? Your hours sound far better than most of my dog owner friends.

KEGirlOnFire Mon 24-Mar-14 11:52:15

This would be a deal-breaker for me.

Not necessarily just because you want a dog, but because your 'P' is going back on his word.

On the subject of dogs, I work from home but the dogs are not allowed in my office, so in effect they are alone 8 hours a day. But then there are two of them so they have each other for company. They are labs and they moult terribly, we hoover A LOT.

They are also incredibly expensive (when they're properly cared for). With insurance and food alone our two dogs cost us £60 a month. That doesn't include Vets bills and Flea/Worming treatments.

As I said though, going back on his word would be the deal-breaker.

LtEveDallas Mon 24-Mar-14 11:48:24

I think this is a final straw thing. I couldn't live without a dog, DH could. However he knows how important it is for me to have one (and more than one - we often have foster dogs in the house) and that I would be unhappy without one. He isn't fussed either way, so is happy for me to have 'my' way.

If you are determined to stay with him (and I wouldn't be going by your other thread) then maybe look at volunteering at a local rescue. They are generally desperate for volunteers to walk and play with their dogs, so you could have the love and attention without having one in your home.

Bowlersarm Mon 24-Mar-14 11:47:23

Yes thedrunkenduck most days. Both beeders we got our dogs from very happy with letting us have puppies knowing they would be left at times of school runs (over an hour), shopping trips, lunches at friends houses at the weekend, watching dc in sports matches, and all other things which make up family life, etc etc.

if you really never leave your dogs, then you are the only person I know who doesn't.

NearTheWindymill Mon 24-Mar-14 11:45:34

I think your dp is BU to say no but I think you are BU to want one in the circumstances. If he has had dogs do you think that he is aware of the totality of the commitment. Please discount you 13 year old; he will be leaving home in five years and you will be entirely responsible for the dog.

Also, if you are going to be alone again soon, do factor in the cost. I have three cats and with insurance, vet bills, food, etc., they cost me £150 per month. They are adorable but animals are very expensive.

peggyundercrackers Mon 24-Mar-14 11:44:58

yabu - its not fair leaving a dog for 8 hours at a time. you say your son is looking forward to it, however you will find after about a month the novelty will wear off and you will be left to look after the dog on your own. i agree with silvershadows if you get a puppy you cant leave it for 8 hours, they take a good few weeks to get used to being in their new environment - its like having a new baby...

justtoomessy Mon 24-Mar-14 11:44:12

Why oh why are you with this man? why did you commit to buying a house with this man and having his dysfunctional family in your life. You knew he was crap before you bought a house with him so why did you not split then?

Him not letting you have a dog is the least of your problems. Take the advice from your other posts and get out you'd be a damn site happier and so would your DC

Ginnytonic82 Mon 24-Mar-14 11:42:53

Sorry bloody phone!
Always plan so someone will dog sit if we're over 2 hours out.

So it is a big decision. If your dp has had dogs he'll have a very good understanding of the pros and cons. Also he might not feel emotionally ready for another dog.

StarGazeyPond Mon 24-Mar-14 11:42:07

It would be unfair to get a dog and leave it alone 2 days a week, and then with someone who doesn't want it 1 day a week. Poor dog.

Ginnytonic82 Mon 24-Mar-14 11:40:12

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out and it seems unfair of your dp to promise and then refuse to get a dog.

But, they are a huge commitment, we have a beautiful lab, but I'd be lying if I said she's not hard work even though she's well trained. She has 3 1 1/2 hour walks a day, from which she always returns covered in mud and needs a bath! She molts a lot so hoovering takes place 3/4 times a day. We have a brilliant dog walker but she is very expensive, she's our 2nd biggest bill. Add on the cost of food, pet insurance, toys, bed, lead, microchip, regular fleaing, worming, annual check and vacs, it's very expensive. Also everything is planned with a view that some

Morgause Mon 24-Mar-14 11:39:16

YABU. Everyone should be in agreement before you have a pet.

My 13 year old committed to helping with our dogs.

She plays with them a bit and comes with me (note, WITH ME) on the evening walk.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Mon 24-Mar-14 11:31:53

Like Cog says this relationship is on it's arse anyway. OP I think you need to make a decision about the whole relationship.

PigletJohn Mon 24-Mar-14 11:26:07

13 year olds are not as helpful as you think.

PigletJohn Mon 24-Mar-14 11:26:05

13 year olds are not as helpful as you think.

PigletJohn Mon 24-Mar-14 11:20:40

13 year olds are not as helpful as you think.

SilverShadows Mon 24-Mar-14 11:19:47

YABU.

It is a shame he has changed his mind, but that is his prerogative - it is his home too and if he doesn't want to share to share it with a dog then he shouldn't have to.

I have dogs, and I would not leave mine for 8 hours. Longest is 4-5 hours and I have spent years building up to that point - I couldn't leave a puppy for that long straight away, they ARE like toddlers at first.
Maybe a rescue you could, if you had a dog walker halfway through the day. Reading your post though, you are assuming that he will be caring for it at weekends. You can't rely on that if he is reluctant.

Sounds like there are other issues to consider in the background too. I wouldn't get a dog in your situation.

sparechange Mon 24-Mar-14 11:18:47

Sorry, thedrunkenduck
I have had 2 rescue dogs, one from Battersea and one from a local rescue places. With both, I was upfront about how long the dog would be left, and both rescues matched me with dogs that weren't that fussed about being left.
One of my current dogs was a puppy when we got her, and we were again up front about what her daily routine would be.
I would never leave a dog alone for 8 hours but 8am-4pm with a dog walker or neighbour coming at lunch time to let them out and spend some time with them is not cruel for the right dog. In fact, mine will often go 4 or 5 hours happily in the garden or kitchen while I'm in the house without wanting to come and see me.

Rescues know their dogs and are much happier will full disclosure and the opportunity to match the correct dog than someone lying and then choosing a dog which turns out to be totally unsuitable

thedrunkenduck Mon 24-Mar-14 11:11:31

Of course they will be left on occasion. But everyday?? Ask any decent breeder/rescue centre and see what they say. They will be taking your name and making sure they don't go anywhere near you.

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