NC for this post.
Sorry in advance this is so long there's a lot of background to it.
When I was little my stepdad, on very few occasions, touched me and one time tried to get me to perform oral sex on him - I was about 6 (I didn't). I can probably count on the fingers of one hand how many times this happened over the years. Until I was 16 and my brothers moved out so was just me, him and mum.
From then on, until I moved out age 19 (for the record I'd have done it sooner but was in FT education so couldn't afford to) he basically sexually harassed me. He "tried it on" in a physical sense a few times but I ran out the house when he did this.
A few examples of things he'd do (not a pleasant read I must warn you) were -
- He'd stand with his bedroom door ajar when mum wasn't around and would masturbate when I walked past
- When I was in my room he'd "talk dirty" through the walls
- he'd try to get in my room naked when mum was out (I barricaded the door though and made sure these occasions were few and far between, usually I'd just hear the front door go and hear mums car drive away and would panic)
- he offered me money on a few occasions to sleep with him, and once left a note offering £500 in the bathroom (when he knew did be going in for a shower) with a sex toy next to it
- he'd have his dick hanging out if I walked in a room where he was on his own. Once I was watching TV lying on the sofa and snuck in and touched my face with it
- I had a sky box in my room and he used to sneak in when I was out and turn it to the porn channels so porn would be on when I switched the TV on
- perhaps the worst thing he did once was cover his dick in something (I'm guessing Vaseline but honestly dread to think) and pressed it against my bedroom mirror and wrote a message in it (I can't bring myself to type what we wrote)
It went on for 3 years and I kept quiet, basically because I didn't want mum to know what a scumbag she was married to, he'd had countless affairs before, which she'd forgiven him for, but I knew this would send her over the edge. In hindsight I should have gathered evidence - like kept the note and taken pictures of my mirror - but I panicked and my only thought at the time was "get out the house now". He never attacked me but the fear that he would was very real. I was out the house as much as possible.
Anyway when I was 19 and on the brink of moving out, mum put 2 and 2 together after seeing him grab my bum in the kitchen. She confronted him and he confessed to everything. We had a big talk about it, I told her everything except that he abused me as a child - I just couldn't see her hurt any further. She said she'd leave him, move in with me and forget all about him. I was thrilled, but never did, she stayed with him as she was in a low-ish paid job and couldn't support herself financially.
Fast forward 10 years, I am married and have a 10 month old DD of my own. Looking at my DD I couldn't imagine ever allowing that to happen to her. Me and mum haven't spoken about what happened since she decided she was staying with stepdad. It's like it's never happened, and she has tried to push a father/daughter relationship onto me. For example, at my wedding I wanted her to give me away (real dad passed away) but she insisted in front of a family friend that stepdad do it. When I said no she started crying, so I looked like a dick in front of her friend, long story short I basically got guilted into letting him give me away. It ruined my day completely and linking his arm made me feel sick.
Anyway DH and I decided that he'd never meet DD because he simply cannot be trusted. I don't even want him breathing the same air as her. They live abroad so when she was born mum came over and kept banging on about how DDs "grandad" (my stepdad) couldn't wait to meet her. After much soul searching I wrote her a letter telling her that a) he'd never ever meet Dd and b) I am so very hurt about her taking him back and I want to talk about it.
Initially her response was very understanding and she didn't argue or fall out with me like I expected she would. However I got no answers as to why she took him back exactly (it was an email) and a couple of days later I got a phone call to say she was in hospital, she had a huge panic attack because of my letter. So since then I've treaded very carefully about talking about it, she has had heart problems in the past and I don't want to trigger an attack. However it's a slow process and she's clearly upset that I've banned her husband from seeing my daughter. She sort of changes the subject when I bring it up and has mentioned that they are moving closer to his family in another country (I've told her I'm happy to come to her house with DD as long as he isn't there but I've had no invitation).
Anyway to the point of my post - dragging all this up has made me think a lot about what happened and it's been a difficult few months for me, there has been lots of tears and anger. Stepdad is seen as a Demi-god by most people we know, I'm constantly told by other family that after my own dad ran out on us when I was a child that I am "so lucky" that stepdad "took us on " and I surely consider him my real dad? I can't bear the lies anymore and I can't pretend everything is ok. I really want closure on the situation and I don't think I'll get it from my mum. DH thinks I should go to the police and press charges.
So my question is, after so long, and so few actual instances of physical assault, and no evidence other than emails/letters to and from me and mum, AIBU to think about pressing charges? Would it be worth it? Would anything happen? Would it cause more upset than good? He has a son, my stepbrother, who I am very close with, and I wouldn't want to lose him as a result of turning his dad in to the police. Stepbrother has a DD too (who stepdad has met once as a newborn) and I feel I owe it to her too to protect her. Please be brutally honest and tell me if it's not worth it!
