ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Looking for a females perspective - Am I being unreasonable?(55 Posts)
Male looking for a females perspective as to if I am being unreasonable. Not sure if I should be posting here or under relationships?
I'm not sure where to start. If I tried doing this in a chronological order, this would be a book. Thus I'll start with recent events and try and give some background info as I go along.
My partner and I are have been living separately since November 2013. we have two beautiful girls, aged 2 & 4. Our separate living was due to us planning to relocation to another region of France and I was going to look for work and my partner was going to stay at her mothers till the eldest finished her school term at Christmas.
I was expecting my partner to then join me from Christmas onwards but we have been separated since.
We are constantly arguing as I'm frustrated and not understanding why she has not kept to the original plan and refuse to explain why she always creating excuses of why she can't come.
I would understand that with the time apart, she may have decided that she doesn't want me, scared of change, will miss her friends etc. But no explanation and putting it on me that I need to go see a doctor because I am thoroughly annoyed by the situation is hurtful and dam right rude.
Maybe my latest email to her will explain the situation a littler better, but am I being unreasonable? -
"I can't express how annoyed I am.
You wanted to buy a house in XXX. I moved to XXX to see if I can get work and sort out temporary accommodation whilst we house hunt. I arrived here early November, and you were aware that I had to be out by mid April. Now April is fast approaching, you've been up twice but refused to stay. And you haven't given any reason why you refuse to commit. Instead you have kept the girls at your Grand mothers, where it is small, housing a dangerous dog and isolated.
For all those times you told me that you find it difficult being with your
mother and grand mother, you could have been here with me, in comfort, with the girls spending time with their father. So I have no sympathy, you chose to live there, though you had a pleasant alternative!
With regards to deciding to give up the flat in ZZZ. I always
explained that I wasn't earning enough to pay for everything all on my own -
(1000 Rent, 300 Gas/Electrics/Phone and internet, 600min food, tax
Habitation, Taking you and the girls out, Girls clothing and toys, Petrol
insurance etc etc).
I may have worked full time, but I never got paid full time IE Quotes and reckies and design work was unpaid and took time. Also why should
I pay for everything if you had 82K+ in the bank... I think most people would think was a little one sided?
I do love you, you are the mother of my two girls, you are pretty and you were once a person who was spontaneous, loved adventures and passionate about life. But if you think that I am being unfair by telling you how pissed off I am now because I have been patiently waiting for over 4 months for you to arrive, us all living together, looking for a home for us all, then you need to be remind that you have wasted my time by refusing to commit, especially as it was you who want to do this, and arranged for somewhere for me to stay!
Our last big argument was in February when you announced you had a job interview and if you got the job you would be staying in the south of France for another 5 months, the fact you and your mother told me I needed to go a see a doctor because I was angry about your decision and told I had to like it or lump, is pretty awful act you both created. What makes it worse, is that you didn't get the job and you still refuse to come up to continue looking for a permanent home for the girls.
Please starting thinking on your feet fast and start communicating otherwise I wish you luck at your mothers.... At least she will be happy your will have continued the family history! (Whilst I now don't communicate with mine as I chose to stay with you!)"
HER REPLY -
"Awful and disgusting email
If u only want me for buying u a house u can piss off !
Can't believe that u are desperate to have me up there it's just to pay u half the rent !
MY RESPONSE -
"I don't think you read the email correctly, nowhere does it say I want you to come buy ME a house. Also where does it say that I want you to pay half the rent? I think you have missed the point. There has been a place for us to live together whilst you look for a house to buy - this was your idea. We are meant to be a family, but you have refused to do what you said you wanted to do and the time here is running out fast. I just think it was a waste!
It would be nice if you started to think about the girls future instead of
being scared to commit to anything. As I have said before, I am used to you blaming me for everything, luckily I know this to be untrue.
Looking forward to you talking about my ex's (People I went out with before
I even knew you), drugs, my family etc etc...
[messaged edited by MNHQ]
So go back to her. You will have to vacate when your lease expires anyway.
Say, 'you were hesitant about coming north so I have come home to you. Now, where shall we start looking in this district ?'
Ask her outright, but in a quiet appropriate moment, 'do you like us being together as a family ?'
If she prefers being at home with mum and gran and they are just loving having the children there 24/7, she might have lost track of what family really is.
Get back to her area (never mind who said what) and get reacquainted with YOUR CHILDREN.
Sorry, but reasoning with her just isn't working. You are going to have to be a man about this.
She's reluctant. She won't reason with you on the adult level. I wonder why she's sceptical. Sorry, but she also needs to grow up.
She won't really answer your questions, especially about committing. She's got her support network i.e. mum and gran.
Why is she so protective of her money ? She's no confidence investing it in the family future has she ?
Why is she so envious of your former girlfriends after all this time ?
Your family don't like her. Her family are in no rush to see your relationship flourish.
I see a train wreck approaching.
Sounds like a toxic MIL to me, but maybe I am wrong.
Now I'm sure I read the OP in it's original incarnation when it was first posted and there was no texts included like in Nursey's post. I don't remember it containing details of names before MNHQ edited. I'm really confused, have I missed something?
So you moved, your wife didn't. And she doesn't seem to want to move. She has kept the girls.
Who is paying the rent of the apartment she is living in right now? In whose name is the bail? (rental contract)
I also think that she may have met someone.
Don't know why I love u but shit I do love u my boy <3 always did xxxx just arrive at supermarket now x I love u since our first kisssmile I'm in love with u still ;) xxxxx
This sounds like a teenager.
This all seems a bit It's just how you text and she's all like 'bby i luv u xx'
You need to stop naming your wife and daughters on here.
Stop texting and have it out face to face. You've also named your wife now so she is very identifiable in RL. I think you should report for editing or deletion.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
What does she say when you ask her directly? Have you actually said to her "you're not coming are you?" or words to that effect? I think in your situation I would move back closer to your girls and assume it's over. It sounds like she has treated you very badly and sent you on a wild goose chase. It must be really upsetting and frustrating but I just cannot concieve of a person behaving like this if they genuinely wanted to build a life with someone else.
to be fair, I may put todays conversation online for all of sundry to read to find out if it's me or not. I really have nothing to hide, I have very little in the way of family and my mother is refusing to talk to me as if I chosen to stay with her... so I may have nothing to lose?
On the face of it, OP I'd say you've been 'had'.
Do you think she ever had any intention of moving with you? Because it doesn't look like it.
Has she ever contributed financially?
Just a couple of things, I am not on here to oust her, she doesn't use or probably know about this site and all I was after was a woman's perspective as I know very little and in my line of work, I don't feel to be taken the mick out of. Especially as I am finding this situation hard enough as it is.
I don't want to lose her and yes, importantly, be separated from my girls.
If it was me that was being unreasonable, and I am sure you lot would let me know, then I would re-evaluate how I'm approaching the situations.
You may feel that this is an unusual please to "air my dirty laundry", but given the situation, I have nothing to loose.
We have been speaking today, but still going round in circles. If you have been with someone for many years, and only want the best for the family, what reasons would you not want to commit?
If for example, her mother is putting her oar in, is there a subtle way of defusing that element? Or am I guessing I am likely to get shot in the foot?
I'm just reading through the comments and can't help but feel people would have shown more sympathy and been nicer had a woman posted this.
It sounds like she is comfortable where she is and has changed her mind re moving. A person is allowed to backtrack and change their mind however she should be more explicit in this and tell you of her intentions. I would suggest you talk about contact arrangements re your children.
I feel really bad for you.
It's absolutely ridiculous what she's doing, she's stringing you along and being manipulative whilst she's doing it - not accepting that she's the one in the wrong and trying to turn you into the bad guy.
I would see her face to face.
However poorly behaved she's being, this is no longer about who's being unreasonable. She may have had the idea and allowed you to move with the best of intentions, but she's certainly had a change of heart since. If I had to put money on it, I'd say she's met someone else. As another poster said, those who've done something wrong are generally the first to point the finger. Even if that's not the case, she's leaving you. She's being very clear that she wants no financial ties with you...after 7 years together, she should know it's not about the money, which unfortunately means that the money is a big thing for her. Most definitely bigger than your relationship.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation but my advice is to move yourself closer to your kids, say as little to her as you must to get this done, see your children away from her and see how she reacts to the change of pace.
OP, I agree with those that have said that she isn't coming.
I think you are dumped, mate.
Does your (ex-?) girlfriend use Mumsnet per chance?
Unreasonable not to tell you.
Yes, she is very unreasonable big to tell you. She's using evasive tactics too by constantly changing the subject back to exes of yours that you had before you two met!
I'm not sure what she's playing at but you need to hot foot it back to your dds right away and see what's what.
Her diversionary tactics and evasive behavior suggest she has something to hide. At the least she had no intentions of coming to settle in your current location.
At worst she's already moved on with someone else and is stringing you along for reasons unknown.
Get back there and find out what's going on!
Hmm...I think the OP wants to 'out' his partner. There's far too much personal info on here.
There seems to be an awful lot of pointless detail in the email. She is party to what's going on, she knows when and what your last fight was. There is no need to rehash it all, she knows!
What you need to know is does she want to be with you. If yes then in what terms ie where will you all stay etc. You then have to make the decision of whether her terms are acceptable to you.
If she doesn't you have your answer and need to look at your situation and how best to move forward for your kids.
YANBU to want to know what's going on. She is NBU to have changed her mind but she is BU to not tell you.
You don't have to delete the whole thread just the place name and maybe money amounts etc
MN can edit the specific details out of the posts!
Just click on report on the posts you want to edit Op.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.