Looking for a females perspective - Am I being unreasonable?(55 Posts)
Male looking for a females perspective as to if I am being unreasonable. Not sure if I should be posting here or under relationships?
I'm not sure where to start. If I tried doing this in a chronological order, this would be a book. Thus I'll start with recent events and try and give some background info as I go along.
My partner and I are have been living separately since November 2013. we have two beautiful girls, aged 2 & 4. Our separate living was due to us planning to relocation to another region of France and I was going to look for work and my partner was going to stay at her mothers till the eldest finished her school term at Christmas.
I was expecting my partner to then join me from Christmas onwards but we have been separated since.
We are constantly arguing as I'm frustrated and not understanding why she has not kept to the original plan and refuse to explain why she always creating excuses of why she can't come.
I would understand that with the time apart, she may have decided that she doesn't want me, scared of change, will miss her friends etc. But no explanation and putting it on me that I need to go see a doctor because I am thoroughly annoyed by the situation is hurtful and dam right rude.
Maybe my latest email to her will explain the situation a littler better, but am I being unreasonable? -
"I can't express how annoyed I am.
You wanted to buy a house in XXX. I moved to XXX to see if I can get work and sort out temporary accommodation whilst we house hunt. I arrived here early November, and you were aware that I had to be out by mid April. Now April is fast approaching, you've been up twice but refused to stay. And you haven't given any reason why you refuse to commit. Instead you have kept the girls at your Grand mothers, where it is small, housing a dangerous dog and isolated.
For all those times you told me that you find it difficult being with your
mother and grand mother, you could have been here with me, in comfort, with the girls spending time with their father. So I have no sympathy, you chose to live there, though you had a pleasant alternative!
With regards to deciding to give up the flat in ZZZ. I always
explained that I wasn't earning enough to pay for everything all on my own -
(1000 Rent, 300 Gas/Electrics/Phone and internet, 600min food, tax
Habitation, Taking you and the girls out, Girls clothing and toys, Petrol
insurance etc etc).
I may have worked full time, but I never got paid full time IE Quotes and reckies and design work was unpaid and took time. Also why should
I pay for everything if you had 82K+ in the bank... I think most people would think was a little one sided?
I do love you, you are the mother of my two girls, you are pretty and you were once a person who was spontaneous, loved adventures and passionate about life. But if you think that I am being unfair by telling you how pissed off I am now because I have been patiently waiting for over 4 months for you to arrive, us all living together, looking for a home for us all, then you need to be remind that you have wasted my time by refusing to commit, especially as it was you who want to do this, and arranged for somewhere for me to stay!
Our last big argument was in February when you announced you had a job interview and if you got the job you would be staying in the south of France for another 5 months, the fact you and your mother told me I needed to go a see a doctor because I was angry about your decision and told I had to like it or lump, is pretty awful act you both created. What makes it worse, is that you didn't get the job and you still refuse to come up to continue looking for a permanent home for the girls.
Please starting thinking on your feet fast and start communicating otherwise I wish you luck at your mothers.... At least she will be happy your will have continued the family history! (Whilst I now don't communicate with mine as I chose to stay with you!)"
HER REPLY -
"Awful and disgusting email
If u only want me for buying u a house u can piss off !
Can't believe that u are desperate to have me up there it's just to pay u half the rent !
MY RESPONSE -
"I don't think you read the email correctly, nowhere does it say I want you to come buy ME a house. Also where does it say that I want you to pay half the rent? I think you have missed the point. There has been a place for us to live together whilst you look for a house to buy - this was your idea. We are meant to be a family, but you have refused to do what you said you wanted to do and the time here is running out fast. I just think it was a waste!
It would be nice if you started to think about the girls future instead of
being scared to commit to anything. As I have said before, I am used to you blaming me for everything, luckily I know this to be untrue.
Looking forward to you talking about my ex's (People I went out with before
I even knew you), drugs, my family etc etc...
[messaged edited by MNHQ]
I would think that this means she's not committed enough to spend her life savings on buying a house with you in Britrany or elsewhere. She might have suggested it but has changed her mind. I guess she had to say something as you (reasonably) were struggling with working such long hours and the stress of being the sole provider. But what you have spent is in the past. You need to establish if she'll live with you anywhere, I'd suggest renting. If her only income is child benefit (it's a set amount, you can google it, about 36 a week for two children I think) and you are earning then you will be paying the bulk of things. I don't think you should insist she uses get savings towards living expenses at the moment as it's clearly a huge issue, but you do need to work out how you can live affordably on your joint income, but your relationship sounds too fragile for a capital investment from her to be part of that at present.
Communication has broken down. This is nothing at all to with reasonable or unreasonable. She isn't coming. Concentrate on putting your life back together ASAP.
Click on "report" on your initial post and you'll get a box in which you can explain the reasons - just tell MNHQ that you think you may have put too much identifying detail in the thread and they'll delete it for you. Then de-register. If you think any of the advice on here may be of use to you, take a copy first.
I asked about the looks part because in your email you had said "I do love you, you are the mother of my two girls, you are pretty ..." and for me, that would have put me right off. I dont know what other women would think but my reaction would be "if I'm pretty that's a good reason to ask me on a date but not one of the main reasons why you would love me seven years on ... don't you know me at all??" The remaining reasons are things you used to love about her that presumably aren't true anymore.
Most of the email was about money and complaints. If you want to even see if you can win her back you will have to try harder than that. But I would just say make sure you want her back the way she actually is (a bit greedy and selfish from your description) rather than your fantasy of how she could be if only she would change. Because she is not going to change!!
if it has to be by email why not simply ask what is wrong? Does she want to move to Brittany still? Does she want you to move back? - none of the you said I said stuff, none of the finances crap just ask her what she wants to happen?
You don't have to delete the whole thread just the place name and maybe money amounts etc
MN can edit the specific details out of the posts!
Just click on report on the posts you want to edit Op.
There seems to be an awful lot of pointless detail in the email. She is party to what's going on, she knows when and what your last fight was. There is no need to rehash it all, she knows!
What you need to know is does she want to be with you. If yes then in what terms ie where will you all stay etc. You then have to make the decision of whether her terms are acceptable to you.
If she doesn't you have your answer and need to look at your situation and how best to move forward for your kids.
YANBU to want to know what's going on. She is NBU to have changed her mind but she is BU to not tell you.
Hmm...I think the OP wants to 'out' his partner. There's far too much personal info on here.
Yes, she is very unreasonable big to tell you. She's using evasive tactics too by constantly changing the subject back to exes of yours that you had before you two met!
I'm not sure what she's playing at but you need to hot foot it back to your dds right away and see what's what.
Her diversionary tactics and evasive behavior suggest she has something to hide. At the least she had no intentions of coming to settle in your current location.
At worst she's already moved on with someone else and is stringing you along for reasons unknown.
Get back there and find out what's going on!
Unreasonable not to tell you.
I think you are dumped, mate.
Does your (ex-?) girlfriend use Mumsnet per chance?
OP, I agree with those that have said that she isn't coming.
However poorly behaved she's being, this is no longer about who's being unreasonable. She may have had the idea and allowed you to move with the best of intentions, but she's certainly had a change of heart since. If I had to put money on it, I'd say she's met someone else. As another poster said, those who've done something wrong are generally the first to point the finger. Even if that's not the case, she's leaving you. She's being very clear that she wants no financial ties with you...after 7 years together, she should know it's not about the money, which unfortunately means that the money is a big thing for her. Most definitely bigger than your relationship.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation but my advice is to move yourself closer to your kids, say as little to her as you must to get this done, see your children away from her and see how she reacts to the change of pace.
I feel really bad for you.
It's absolutely ridiculous what she's doing, she's stringing you along and being manipulative whilst she's doing it - not accepting that she's the one in the wrong and trying to turn you into the bad guy.
I would see her face to face.
It sounds like she is comfortable where she is and has changed her mind re moving. A person is allowed to backtrack and change their mind however she should be more explicit in this and tell you of her intentions. I would suggest you talk about contact arrangements re your children.
I'm just reading through the comments and can't help but feel people would have shown more sympathy and been nicer had a woman posted this.
Just a couple of things, I am not on here to oust her, she doesn't use or probably know about this site and all I was after was a woman's perspective as I know very little and in my line of work, I don't feel to be taken the mick out of. Especially as I am finding this situation hard enough as it is.
I don't want to lose her and yes, importantly, be separated from my girls.
If it was me that was being unreasonable, and I am sure you lot would let me know, then I would re-evaluate how I'm approaching the situations.
You may feel that this is an unusual please to "air my dirty laundry", but given the situation, I have nothing to loose.
We have been speaking today, but still going round in circles. If you have been with someone for many years, and only want the best for the family, what reasons would you not want to commit?
If for example, her mother is putting her oar in, is there a subtle way of defusing that element? Or am I guessing I am likely to get shot in the foot?
On the face of it, OP I'd say you've been 'had'.
Do you think she ever had any intention of moving with you? Because it doesn't look like it.
Has she ever contributed financially?
to be fair, I may put todays conversation online for all of sundry to read to find out if it's me or not. I really have nothing to hide, I have very little in the way of family and my mother is refusing to talk to me as if I chosen to stay with her... so I may have nothing to lose?
What does she say when you ask her directly? Have you actually said to her "you're not coming are you?" or words to that effect? I think in your situation I would move back closer to your girls and assume it's over. It sounds like she has treated you very badly and sent you on a wild goose chase. It must be really upsetting and frustrating but I just cannot concieve of a person behaving like this if they genuinely wanted to build a life with someone else.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Stop texting and have it out face to face. You've also named your wife now so she is very identifiable in RL. I think you should report for editing or deletion.
You need to stop naming your wife and daughters on here.
This all seems a bit It's just how you text and she's all like 'bby i luv u xx'
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