Looking for a females perspective - Am I being unreasonable?

(55 Posts)
stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 07:47:47

PBWM

Male looking for a females perspective as to if I am being unreasonable. Not sure if I should be posting here or under relationships?

I'm not sure where to start. If I tried doing this in a chronological order, this would be a book. Thus I'll start with recent events and try and give some background info as I go along.

My partner and I are have been living separately since November 2013. we have two beautiful girls, aged 2 & 4. Our separate living was due to us planning to relocation to another region of France and I was going to look for work and my partner was going to stay at her mothers till the eldest finished her school term at Christmas.

I was expecting my partner to then join me from Christmas onwards but we have been separated since.

We are constantly arguing as I'm frustrated and not understanding why she has not kept to the original plan and refuse to explain why she always creating excuses of why she can't come.

I would understand that with the time apart, she may have decided that she doesn't want me, scared of change, will miss her friends etc. But no explanation and putting it on me that I need to go see a doctor because I am thoroughly annoyed by the situation is hurtful and dam right rude.

Maybe my latest email to her will explain the situation a littler better, but am I being unreasonable? -

"I can't express how annoyed I am.

You wanted to buy a house in XXX. I moved to XXX to see if I can get work and sort out temporary accommodation whilst we house hunt. I arrived here early November, and you were aware that I had to be out by mid April. Now April is fast approaching, you've been up twice but refused to stay. And you haven't given any reason why you refuse to commit. Instead you have kept the girls at your Grand mothers, where it is small, housing a dangerous dog and isolated.

For all those times you told me that you find it difficult being with your
mother and grand mother, you could have been here with me, in comfort, with the girls spending time with their father. So I have no sympathy, you chose to live there, though you had a pleasant alternative!

With regards to deciding to give up the flat in ZZZ. I always
explained that I wasn't earning enough to pay for everything all on my own -
(1000 Rent, 300 Gas/Electrics/Phone and internet, 600min food, tax
Habitation, Taking you and the girls out, Girls clothing and toys, Petrol
insurance etc etc).

I may have worked full time, but I never got paid full time IE Quotes and reckies and design work was unpaid and took time. Also why should
I pay for everything if you had 82K+ in the bank... I think most people would think was a little one sided?

I do love you, you are the mother of my two girls, you are pretty and you were once a person who was spontaneous, loved adventures and passionate about life. But if you think that I am being unfair by telling you how pissed off I am now because I have been patiently waiting for over 4 months for you to arrive, us all living together, looking for a home for us all, then you need to be remind that you have wasted my time by refusing to commit, especially as it was you who want to do this, and arranged for somewhere for me to stay!

Our last big argument was in February when you announced you had a job interview and if you got the job you would be staying in the south of France for another 5 months, the fact you and your mother told me I needed to go a see a doctor because I was angry about your decision and told I had to like it or lump, is pretty awful act you both created. What makes it worse, is that you didn't get the job and you still refuse to come up to continue looking for a permanent home for the girls.

Please starting thinking on your feet fast and start communicating otherwise I wish you luck at your mothers.... At least she will be happy your will have continued the family history! (Whilst I now don't communicate with mine as I chose to stay with you!)"

HER REPLY -

"Awful and disgusting email sad
If u only want me for buying u a house u can piss off !
Can't believe that u are desperate to have me up there it's just to pay u half the rent !
Thanks"

MY RESPONSE -

"I don't think you read the email correctly, nowhere does it say I want you to come buy ME a house. Also where does it say that I want you to pay half the rent? I think you have missed the point. There has been a place for us to live together whilst you look for a house to buy - this was your idea. We are meant to be a family, but you have refused to do what you said you wanted to do and the time here is running out fast. I just think it was a waste!

It would be nice if you started to think about the girls future instead of
being scared to commit to anything. As I have said before, I am used to you blaming me for everything, luckily I know this to be untrue.

Looking forward to you talking about my ex's (People I went out with before
I even knew you), drugs, my family etc etc...

[messaged edited by MNHQ]

ruby1234 Sun 23-Mar-14 07:51:41

Instead of emailing, why don't you go to her and discuss things face to face?

She doesn't want to live with you. You emailing her like she's a work colleague is not going to make her want to live with you. Like Ruby says, go and actually talk to her face to face.

bedraggledmumoftwo Sun 23-Mar-14 07:59:18

Ii would agree, email is not the way to go. I would actually say you need to discuss it in person. Can you go back down south for a weekend and sit her down and ask what she really wants? Could it be she will miss her family, or has just changed her mind about Brittany and is scared to say so? I would say your email wasn't awful or disgusting and didn't say you wanted her to buy her a house. Is
there someone with her, maybe mother or grandmother, that would be suggesting this?

what is your current situation, have you found a job or house, are you tied to staying up there?

NoodleOodle Sun 23-Mar-14 08:06:01

Time to move near your children and arrange regular contact. The happy family you are waiting to compose is not going to happen because she doesn't want to. It doesn't matter who is being reasonable or not, what matters now is trying to make a plan to be the best parent you can be.

aquashiv Sun 23-Mar-14 08:06:15

Why doesn't she want to move?
Can't you meet somewhere in the middle.
You both sound like there is alot more going on. Can you talk without arguing if not you might need a counsellor.

bedraggledmumoftwo Sun 23-Mar-14 08:10:06

Although it sounds from the sample you gave like she is being unreasonable, we obviously don't have the full story. I think if she is what you want you need to forget all the details of what you have been fighting about, don't be drawn into the argument, just try to find out what she wants, preferably in person, or if absolutely necessary by email.

"i don't ant to argue any more. Please, lets start over.

i love you, i love the girls, i want to be with you all as a family. I don't care where we do it, it could be on the moon as long as we are all together. Yes, there are practical issues with my job/house etc, but you just need to tell me what you want and i will make it happen because i love you."

that's not suggesting you are in the wrong, i just think you need to rise above and be the one to defuse the situation.

It sounds very much like this relationship is over, so focus on doing what's best for yourself and the children as you plan your life separately.

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:19:32

We have seen each other twice since November, she and the girls came for two weeks for Christmas, again during the school holidays a few weeks back. Also I have travelled down a few times between that period.

So, we have spoken face to face. I have had to resort to email as I am starting to feel like I am going mad, and I don't like arguing over the phone.

We had a flat in the south, I was paying for everything, she refused to work, which I agreed with to a point as the girl were little, but when times where hard, she just watched as the bill mount up and let me struggle. After 4 years, I realised that I had paid 50K in rent and had had enough of being told that I was never around for her and the girls as I worked long hours to make ends meet. As she had 82K in the bank, we discussed and made plans last autumn for me to move to Brittany, get settled and she and the girls would follow when my eldest finishes term last Christmas.

I found work, had a 2 bedroom place to stay, and expected her to follow suit so we could go house hunting.

The times she has come to visit, we have been house hunting, she has put offers in to the estate agents, and then when they are accepted, she runs away. What's strange was that when she was here, she would tell everyone what our plans are, as to our joint decision last autumn. However, she then announces that she has to go back without a real reason.

4 months on, I have had steady employment, I have to vacate the place I am staying at as it is used for holiday rentals and the summer season is fast approaching. And am being a bad person for wanting to know why she is dragging her heals.

SpecialAgentFreyPie Sun 23-Mar-14 08:21:41

Do you think she's maybe met someone else?

OTheHugeManatee Sun 23-Mar-14 08:24:04

She has clearly changed her mind about moving to Brittany, an has not been honest with you about this. That's pretty off in my book, especially if you've given up work/a client list/whatever to go on ahead and find you all a home.

But the fact that you're four months into this stalemate and still talking around it, by email no less rather than face to face, says there are more fundamental issues in your relationship.

If I were you I'd head back south pronto and speak to her face to face. Emails like the one you sent will achieve nothing, especially as she's living with her mum/grandmother (who probably don't want her to move away). Your best chance is to turn up there and remind her in person about why the two of you fell in love and started making these plans.

ViviPru Sun 23-Mar-14 08:26:39

What do you suspect to be the reason "she is dragging her heals"? I'm not suggesting you're being deliberately misleading, but I'm not convinced you have no clue whatsoever. Be honest with yourself. Your suspicions are likely to be correct.

piratecat Sun 23-Mar-14 08:28:29

trying to be totally objective here i think she doesn't want to share her money or at least invest in something with you long term.
how happy were you two really before you moved away.
why did she wish to move to the other side of the country?

Yes, agree with OThe that your only chance is to remind her why you two fell in love. All the arguing about money will be very off putting to her. It sounds like you are in the right and have been treated unfairly. It also sounds like she is petrified you're going to get your hands on the £82k.

My suspicion is that she has been using you for money. On the off chance you will be able to get her back it will be with the understanding that you are to be the provider and she is not going to contribute financially. If you would rather be with her and the girls on that basis than not at all then pursue. However you are acting like if you only say the right words she will start pulling her weight financially. That is just not going to happen.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 23-Mar-14 08:31:35

X posted. Obviously we've not heard her side but based in yours it sounds like there are some fundamentals you didn't discuss thoroughly before having DC. Are you married? Do you share finances? What did you agree about money ad how to share it? What is this 83k in the bank? Did you discuss work and childcare before you had DC? It does sound unfair for her to refuse to work but criticise you for working too hard.

scarletforya Sun 23-Mar-14 08:33:19

Op, there's some very identifying details in these posts. You have literally washed your laundry in public here. At least remove the location where your wife and daughters currently live.

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:34:33

No, I don't think she has met someone else. Though this is one reason why I have started to email her as she changes to conversation to people I dated in my early 20's. (before we'd even met).

From a money point of view, this is my beef. I paid for everything, she did contribute with the child benefit she received but refuse to tell me how much she was getting.

I have always been transparent about money, I don't drink, by very little on personals apart from things I need to carry out my job. (though I do factor this cost in to my quotes for clients).

We have been together of over 7 years, I have always known she has savings, but I can't stand the fact that she is insistent that I am only after her money... 7 year being together and 4 years providing, I would have thought that this would prove something.

My point of the matter is this, we have to young children, I wasn't getting or giving any quality of life in the family home due to the long hours working. By moving to Brittany, we would have a stable home for the girls, with a garden for the girls. No mortgage, so I would work the normal 40 hours a week, allowing for more time home. And be able to save up for our future.

Is it unreasonable to be unhappy that nearly 5 months down the line still nothing has progressed and having to understanding as to why?

It isn't unreasonable to unhappy, no. It is unreasonable to keep going over the same ground without figuring out what you're going to do about it given the circumstances.

I do wonder if she has met someone else and is delaying until she figures out where. Things are ping with this other person. People with guilty consciences are usually the first to show jealousy which is what she is doing bringing up these other women from your past.

Why do you want to be with her, apart from the children? Do you actually honestly still love her and will you love her if she never contributes any money (because she's not going to) and when her looks fade will you still love her?

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:40:35

what is DC?

If I knew why she was dragger her heals then I wouldn't be on here pouring my heart out...

Dc = children

minouminou Sun 23-Mar-14 08:42:22

How about suggesting she gets this £82k right out of the way so neither of you can easily get your hands on it...in a long term account with long notice periods/penalties for withdrawals?

Where is it now?

Why is she so anxious about you taking it? What's her history?

And please...do ask MN to delete your details, you are, like others have said, very identifiable.

She's not ever coming imo. Move back and live nearby so you can see your children often. They're so little.

It sounds to me like she's pulling away and doesn't even want to be with you anymore. Don't waste anymore time on trying to persuade her to move. Stop e-mailing. She's not coming.

Frustrating after all your effort but you're their Dad and they need to see you often, move back. But I don't think she'll move back in with you on your return sadly. It sounds like it's over to me. Sorry.

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:45:37

I do love her, I wouldn't be on here trying to get over perspective so I can maybe gauge a female understanding as to what going on and how to move forward.

Whats the deal about asking if I would love her even when her looks fade away. I probably had a face of a horse behind from most peoples point of view... smile

stuckinfrance Sun 23-Mar-14 08:46:40

how do I ask MN to delete my details?

bedraggledmumoftwo Sun 23-Mar-14 08:50:37

Click report on your post that mentions the town name and write a message to the team to edit it.

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