To not be looking forward to going on holiday

[gigglebiz]

Ok I know this is a first world problem and we are lucky to be able to afford to go away, but still.

In a few weeks we are going to share a property in the UK with some of DH's family. There are double the number of them than us and their DCs are much older - teens and grown ups.

We shared last year and DS had a wonderful time as he got to share a room with his teenage cousin who he absolutely worships and DH was happy as he got to do walking and go to the pub with his two grown up nephews.

Me, not so much. Their family dynamic is that SIL does all the work. I like her a lot and ended up picking up a lot, lot more than my fair share because I couldn't bear to see her do it all. She doesn't seem to mind, she is happy to have her family around her.

Also because there are a lot more people than when we go away as our small family, there is a lot more dishes, food preparation and tidy away and just more general stuff littered about the place, which people seem unable to tidy away by themselves.

I did suggest that we had a rota to her and she seemed amenable and suggested a cooking rota. But to be honest I don't mind the cooking as much as I mind having to buy the stuff, decide what to have, set the table, cook it, then clear the table whilst everyone else sits on their rump doing naff all, oh and then empty the dishwasher three zillion times.

DH was fine, once I clued him into what was happening he did a lot more and nagged his nephews to do a bit, also we went out for a few more meals with us only, so that cut down on the interminable clearing up and cooking.

There are good sides, it's nice having a bit of company and we get babysitting to go out a couple of nights which is fab - maybe that should makeup for the downsides, I don't know.

I'm starting to have second thoughts about going, and I'm not sure how to make it feel ok for me.

I'm a regular and I have name changed, I have been moaning about this in real life, so please don't out me if you know me.

[pluCaChange]

I can't see how it could out anybody, to complain about going away for a lot of extra work for some, and (seemingly) a lot less for others. Such disparity (holiday for some, extra wirk fir others) is even more irksome than the work itself!

[JeanSeberg]

So, in brief, there's two women in the party who end up doing all the domestic stuff? Is that right?

[HappyAgainOneDay]

Who would describe this as a holiday? It's the same as being at home x 20, isn't it?

[Dieu]

What about same holiday, different accommodation? Not sure I'd relish what you've described either ...

[gigglebiz]

Yes Jean - that's it in a much shorter nutshell !

[Dieu]

Sorry, meant 'separate' accommodation.

[gigglebiz]

Dieu - that's what we have done before - had two separate lodges beside each other. For me it worked a lot better, but DS absolutely loves sharing the room with his cousin and also for them price is a bit more of an issue, so it works out cheaper to have one big place, and to be fair the place itself looks great.

[gigglebiz]

plucachange - that's right, it's the disparity that winds me up.

Not so much with the grown up nephews as to an extent you expect young adults not to notice these things (although one of them isn't so young any more), but BIL does next to nothing. That's fine as that's their family dynamic, not so fine when I end up picking up his share. Oh and then DH - inspired by the fine example around him, decides that it's totally up to me to get up with DS in the morning and tidy away his empty beer cans.

I'm not generally confrontational, also I don't want to cause ructions in their family - if SILs happy with things being that way, then great. Towards the end of the last holiday I reached an internal compromise where I did what I thought would be a fair share of the stuff, split between the 6 adults. It meant that SIL was doing a lot more, although DH had perked up by that point. I'll take that approach again this time, but I find it hard.

[hamptoncourt]

Put your arm in a sling?

I think as it is already booked the only way you will get out of it is by feigning illness but it sounds as though you will then feel guilty as you will know SIL will be doing all the work.

However, some people love all that martyr type behaviour so maybe she seriously doesn't mind? There is now way I would clear up after someone elses teenagers whilst I am supposed to be on my hollipops.

Make sure DH knows this is not how you want to spend your holidays going forward though so it doesn't happen again.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

You draw up a rota.

Now.

Sometime before you go, give every single person a copy. Tell them you don't want to go and do half the housework and so the only way you can go is if everyone agrees to a rota (and sticks to doing their share).

[dammitsue]

I have a martyr in law.....I just let it wash over me. I clear up my shit, but won't 'pitch in' if its other people's mess.
Can DS stay over in their house just at nights and come back to you for breakfast?

[gigglebiz]

Adish - what sort of things would I put in the rota though ? It's all the stupid things that people should be doing for themselves i.e. put empty cans and crisp bags in the bin. If you could suggest a list I'd be very grateful .

Dammitsue - that's the approach I need to take, doesn't sit easy with me though. I wouldn't be happy with DS being at their lodge if we were in two separate lodges - we only have the one DC and it wouldn't feel much like a family holiday if he didn't sleep in the same building as us.


Maybe a sling is the way forward ....

[dammitsue]

Each adult takes on a job. One does breakfast, one lunch, one dinner, and one cleans/shops? It can rotate daily, so over three days you'll have done one breakfast, one lunch, one diner etc.

[Thumbwitch]

I think you need to be very clear with your DH that he is to take his fair share of chores as well! And if it's his brother you're talking about, then perhaps he can talk to him about being less of a lazy arse as well.

I agree, it wouldn't be much of a holiday.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

I think on holiday the trick is to keep it simple, so view the time in the accommodation in sections.

So morning might include 1. prepare/lay breakfast : 2. clear breakfast/empty & stack dishwasher/tidy kitchen : 3. tidy sittingroom/hall : 4. tidy bathroom/other communal areas.

Midday or early afternoon (if you were all in) might have 1. prepare/lay lunch : 2. clear lunch/empty & stack dishwasher/tidy kitchen

Evening might have 1. prepare/cook dinner 2. tidy up/lay dinner 3. clear dinner/empty & stack dishwasher/tidy kitchen 4. last tidy round of all communal areas.

These would give 10 chores-for-the-group per day (you might think of 20, or might think there's only 5, it's just samples). Do the rota on a grid chart, for example the days down the side, the chores along the top.

Above the chart/chores write that everyone is responsible for their own beds/rooms/belongings/laundry (or whatever) so those things are not on the rota as every person will do there own each day! Then stick to it. If someone doesn't make their bed, so, it's they who sleep in it. If someone leaves their belongings and laundry all over the sitting room, the person on rota to tidy the sitting room should only carry the offending items as far as the culprits bed, leaving them there in a bundle (yep, shoes and all).

Give every person one day off from all chores on the rota, if you'd all like to do that.

If someone's a crap cook and they are on rota to cook, so, a cold meal/picnic meal/buffet/salad __ they can do something and shouldn't be exempt.

If two people want to do a mutual swap of their chore, fine, as long as they agree, put it on the rota, and do them.

Your DS (is he the youngest) should be on the rota and doing his own bed etc, too. If very young, then you could give him age appropriate tasks or put him on with someone else, to help them.

Once people have accepted the idea and are on the rota, don't then fuss about them doing their chores, and definitely don't do it for them (one for your SIL!). Once they find themselves faced with six hungry people and two minutes to make lunch they'll catch on.

This sounds like a lot, but in my experience it works out to be a little and once they start it I've never met anyone that minds.

Sorry, this is awfully long. Hope it helps.

[Blu]

I wouldn't do a rota - especially if it is YOU introducing it rather than your DH. You will get marked down as uptight, officious or whatever. And in any case, her family will just leave their share to her, and you will still feel guilty. Or you will be stress trying to keep the rota going.

I suppose you could do it in a light touch way: Family A in charge of supper nights x,y&z, family B the other nights.

Get your DH on side and under strict instructions from the off. Explain that unless there is fair sharing of work it is just even more work for you than at home.

Enjoy the nights out and babysitting, do your fair share but not more, and don't emotionally involve yourself in any one else's martyrdom.

[gigglebiz]

Thanks adish that's really thoughtful of you to put so much time into that, but ultimately I suspect it is what Blu says.

I was out and thinking about this a bit more - there are 8 people perfectly happy with the status quo (albeit DH has to listen to a bit of grumbling which he tunes out I suspect) and only 1 who isn't.

If I put a lot of energy into a rota then I suspect that BIL will sabotage it or poo poo it as he is very traditional and kindly shares his views about what he views as being the woman's role. SIL is DH's Dsis by the way and BIL would in no way be approachable to being told to doing his fair share and in fact it would probably make things worse.

I'll say when I get there that people should tidy up their own stuff and I will not tidy anyone elses and if SIL wants to introduce a cooking rota then I will support that - but you're right Blu I can't see it being a success.

There is a long road race the week after the hols that I am thinking of signing up for which would mean I could disappear for long runs every so often ! Not as good as a sling, but means I will get some respite.

Thanks everyone - this thread has really helped to crystallize my thoughts.

[maras2]

I'm sure the reason why DH and I get on so well with each other's families as well as our own , is because nothing on God's earth would induce us to holiday with anyone but each other and our DC 's and DGC's . In over 45 years there has not been one falling out , cross word , snippy comment ; you get the picture . We have a huge and very close family and we socialise frequently , but no holidays together ever.

[gigglebiz]

There are benefits to it maras2, with DS being an only he loves company so he has a wonderful time with his cousins.

We also holiday as a group with 2 other families and that works absolutely fine, we don't have a set rota or rules or anything, but somehow it all falls into place and everyone seems to do roughly their share - although the Dh's seems to involve huffing and puffing over bbqs and other manly things . Phew actually that confirms that it's not me that's the problem.

[diddl]

Nothing to add to what has been said but Jeez that seems like disproportionately hard work to get a couple of child free nights out!

[maras2]

I must admit that due to bein hard up , we didn't actually have many holidays . When we did they tended to be at Butlins or Pontins that had ' Uncle Oddball's ' kiddies club avaiable so mum and dad could get pissed in peace . Well it was the 70's .

[maras2]

Being not bein . I don't speak ' street ' . :)

[Blu]

"kindly shares his views about what he views as being the woman's role."

Now that would have me refusing to lift one solitary single finger on his behalf.

[gigglebiz]

Maras2 - did you have the red scarf on the caravan door handle so those with young DCs inside could be easily identified , the modern mind boggles !

Blu thing is it's on on BIL's behalf it's to help out SIL. I think she may have had a minor ephinany as on the last night of the holiday we were thinking about all eating out somewhere cheap, BIL vetoed it on the grounds of cost and I may have expressed the opinion that I was unsure if he had a vote on the basis that he wouldn't be involved in a) going out and buying the food b) deciding what to cook, c) cooking it or d) cleaning up afterwards, or I may just have grumbled loudly to DH about it.

Anyway for whatever reason we ended up eating out on the last night so I might be causing my own quiet revolution.

[gigglebiz]

Oh the other thing is that it has made me determined that DS will do some household chores so that when he grows up, he knows that clean dishes and food don't just magically appear. Sadly I'm not doing too well on that front !