To think this Dad was totally out of order

(63 Posts)
minkersmum Tue 18-Mar-14 23:33:25

My 5 yo dd was playing at a friends house. She is often reluctant to go play there but will go if I stay. The friend likes things 'her' way and turns to big melodramatic howls if she doesn't get what she wants. Dd gets fed up with this.

The friend can do no wrong in the eyes of her parents who are overly strict and like to tell off everybody elses children.

So while we were there the other day my dd kept coming downstairs and sitting with me saying she didn't want to play anymore. When i asked what was going on she said friend was being mean and grumpy and not letting dd touch certain toys.
The next day dd tells me and dh she never ever wants to play there again and that the friends Dad had come into the bedroom and quietly told off my dd saying 'it's Lucy's room so it's Lucy's rules'.

I'm bloody raging and not surprised she never wants to go back.
Aibu to feel like having a word with the Dad?

Shamoy Wed 19-Mar-14 08:22:16

And that rule is my child's not mine as he doesn't want his things ruined!!

minkersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 08:40:46

My child isn't likely to break these things. It's random things and they are ''special'. One day it got so bad I had to say infront of the Dad 'right if dd isn't allowed to touch ANYTHING she isn't going to want to play, you really need to share'.

Can't fizzle out. Only other girl in her year group.

pizzachickenhotforyou Wed 19-Mar-14 09:22:54

The only girl in her year? Can't she be friends with boys at school and have girl friends outside of school? Get her to dance classes etc to make more friends. You wouldn't be friends with the only other woman at work if she was a total arsehole would you?

Only1scoop Wed 19-Mar-14 09:23:49

Blimey only other girl must be a tiny school....
Well next time they suggest playing....say "ah thanks but shall we leave it a while....dd not keen something to do with being told 'Lucy's room Lucy's Rules'....not really sure what was said but she's been a bit upset. Shall we meet at park next week?"

Only1scoop Wed 19-Mar-14 09:24:21

Great point Pizza grin

QueenofallIsee Wed 19-Mar-14 09:36:30

Sorry but I don't think that you have to socialize with people just because they are the same gender. Lucys family have very very different values to you and that is not the basis of a good friendship.

Get DD into Rainbows, swimming, dance class and encourage her to play with kids who are, I dunno, NICE?

minkersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 09:59:37

She goes to lots of things outside school. However where we live is so remote that this friend is at all these things too.

It is a tiny school. Dd does play with some of the boys but this girl has been her friend since pre school.

I'm glad she has her sister dd1 as at least they have each other.

Dd2 keeps mentioning it however so us clearly uoset about it. She said this morning 'i don't like Lucy's Dad anymore when we saw him at school'.

I feel like I want to have a word with him. Bloody raging.

ArtexMonkey Wed 19-Mar-14 10:09:56

I think it's too late to say anything to the dad now. It was an arsehole thing for him to say and do, but if you say something now, he's not going to apologise, or back down or change or whatever. I think if, at the time you had marched into the room and said "I think it's time we got going" that would have been fine, and made your point.

I still think you should let this friendship fizzle, at least stop having play dates. Your dd doesn't even want to go! I think letting children know they can set their own boundaries wrt friendships and say no when they don't want to do something is a really important lesson, especially for girls.

DraggingDownDownDown Wed 19-Mar-14 10:15:09

Still don't have to go round to play though even if she is the only other girl. What about girls from other years?

SavoyCabbage Wed 19-Mar-14 10:17:57

I've got two dds and both of them have best friends who are boys. The oldest is 10 and I have to say we've avoided all of the friendship struggles that some of my friends dds seem to go through. Boys don't seem to go in for this manipulation/bitchiness that some pre teen girls seem to go through.

ArtexMonkey Wed 19-Mar-14 10:22:12

Please, can we give it a bloody rest with the 'girls are bitchy and manipulative' generalisations ffs? It's 2014. I am really glad that your dd's friendships have worked out well, she sounds fab. But 'bitchiness' is not an inevitable trait of female friendships, it is time we got away from this attitude, and boys can be plenty mean to one another too - we just call it a different name.

Goblinchild Wed 19-Mar-14 10:30:32

Did you miss the use of 'some' in that sentence, Artex?
Some girls are manipulative and bitchy. Some aren't.

OP, have a discussion with the father if you like, but he is unlikely to change his parenting strategies and his view of his DD because you are annoyed.
Let them socialise in school and stop with the homevisits, or have the other girl over to yours, or take them out together somewhere else, or drop the friendship outside school.
It's the downside of living somewhere rural or isolated, limited friendship opportunities. One other girl, how many boys?

anklebitersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:32:51

She doesn't want to go but you make her.
While you're there she comes downstairs being sad, says she wants to go home and you stay regardless, insisting she goes back upstairs to play.

And now it's the Dad's fault that she doesn't want to go to their house and you 'don't know what to do'?

Just don't go back. She didn't want to go in the first place, you insisted.

of course having a toe to toe with the Dad would make it easier for you to bow out hmm

ArtexMonkey Wed 19-Mar-14 10:40:03

"Chinese people don't seem to go in for this bitchiness/manipulation that SOME black people do"

Yeah, you're right, that sounds great, no probs whatsoever with that sentence hmm

DidIMissSomething Wed 19-Mar-14 10:41:16

I really would let it fizzle out - there must be girls in the year groups either side - I'd assume that there may even be other girls in her class as I'd expect mixed year group classes in such a small school.
That aside surely they don't need to be the same sex to be friends? My DD had a male best friend for years and many, probably about half, of her best school friends are boys.

DidIMissSomething Wed 19-Mar-14 10:42:55

Well put Artex.

ArtexMonkey Wed 19-Mar-14 10:44:50

Thanks DidI, and thank you also for demonstrating that it's perfectly possible to post supportively about friendships between boys and girls without putting girls down or generalising.

minkersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:18:38

anklebitersmum not sure which thread you read. Not mine. Unless you skimmed it and then made the rest up hmm

Thanks for all the helpful replies.

anklebitersmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:52:55

I clearly imagined

"She is often reluctant to go play there but will go if I stay."
So don't go.

"So while we were there the other day my dd kept coming downstairs and sitting with me saying she didn't want to play anymore."
I admit I assumed you insisted she played for longer because you didn't say "well we'll be off then" and go home the first time she complained because if you'd gone home she wouldn't have kept coming downstairs confused

Doesn't make the Dad right.

Does mean I just wouldn't go again unless my daughter asked to.

AskBasil Wed 19-Mar-14 11:55:16

"And yet 'your house your rules' is normally such a popular line to trot out on MN"

Yes, it's the blight of English life, that saying.

Other cultures say "my home is your home".

The English are just dreadful at hospitality. It's the name of an industry here, not a normal behaviour.

MerryMarigold Wed 19-Mar-14 12:01:35

If fizzling out isn't an option, then I think you need to say something. I think you need to approach the Dad and say, "Dd was a bit upset by the other night. I've only heard her side of it. What was going on?" Let him tell you, and then you can tell him he is being out of order. If he says, for eg, Lucy didn't want her to touch things, you can ask if she was allowed to play with ANYTHING at all. I fear you will have to spell it out to them even if it is just so they know why it's fizzling. It's not fair on your dd to keep going through this, so if you are not going to let it fizzle you need to address it.

It's that or move.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Mar-14 12:02:11

'The' English are just dreadful at hospitality'

What an awful sweeping generalisation.

Also Op could live in rural Wales or Scotland or rural anywhere else for that matter.

Floggingmolly Wed 19-Mar-14 12:10:24

Of course you don't have to insist on playdates your child doesn't want; just because there are no other local girls hmm
Why would you push your child into continuing a friendship she'd rather not? What's that going to do to her self esteem and what's in it for you? confused

CerealMom Wed 19-Mar-14 12:34:28

Just be very busy and let the friendship fizzle out. No big drama. Shared school/club stuff won't be too bad because there will be other kids there to diffuse/play with. Just be too busy with the 1:1 stuff.

DS has/had a friend like this. We only see them very rarely now and only when it's a structured activity. DS (and I) got very fed up with the word 'mine' and putting stuff in bedroom so DS couldn't play with it - amongst other things.
The mum couldn't understand why the child never got reciprocal play dates from the other class kids and blamed it on the child's dyslexia rather than having an overindulged child with spineless parents.
We stuck it out for a few years. I felt bad for the mum and the child, but when does the lesson about inclusiveness become punishment for your own child?

dustarr73 Wed 19-Mar-14 12:34:36

Just stop going around there your daughter told you she doesnt want to go.How much more plainer can she make it.She be better off playing on her own than with someone that doesnt like her.

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