In the treatment of BIL?

(76 Posts)
MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 19:58:46

So first aibu ....

Bil turns up just over two years ago. He moved in with me, dh and our small child to a small 2 bed flat. Landlord decides to sell so we have to move because bil is still there complaining about sleeping on the sofa we moved to a three flat plus we had baby 2 at this point. He still complains doesn't like the area, the room is too small, dh has stuff in his room, he doesn't like the way I do his washing and the fact I don't iron everything, the fact I ask him to tidy up after himself and make his own drinks and breakfast or that that the food I cook for dinner is too foreign. Oh and there is a draft, the heating is not enough - wear a jumper - basically complaint after complaint in two years. He has never paid us anything.

So Sunday he sits in his room talking on the phone so loudly that I have turn the TV up in the living room which is across the hall. I snapped and I shouted. I am sorry for shouting but I have had enough. He says I am a bully and bursts into tears. I am stopping him talking to his family and going to the loo in the morning. I said no I am asking you not to shout and bang doors. I asking you to think of others this a flat with a central hallway. No I am a bully and he has left.

Dh's family are cross and don't understand why I have been so fed up. Is it so odd to just want a home for me, dh and the children? I have felt restricted with a guest who hasn't left. I just want to slob on the sofa and watch trash or even just sit cuddle dh. Can't do that brother is here.

So have been unreasonable?

Dh is stuck between a rock and a hard place with me and the kids on one side and family back home the other.

If you recognise me please don't say

AngelaDaviesHair Wed 26-Mar-14 13:19:47

Well, it all came to a head. I can see you might feel bad it came to a confrontation, but it's good that he's gone and you are rid of him. Don't let him back in.

And I think your DH has let you down really, not thinking of your needs and feelings and not negotiating with his brother a living arrangement that suited everyone, rather than just suiting your BIL.

And not everyone does this, even if they are from a culture that apparently might expect it. My father comes from such a culture but generally refused to have relatives living with us except on a couple of occasions and he did lay down some strict rules about what was being offered/expected. When one of my cousins rather tried it on demanding I pay for stuff other relatives rang to apologise.

ProlificPenguin Wed 26-Mar-14 13:12:12

You are neither his wife nor mother. He shouldn't be treating you like you are. 2 years is enough isn't it?

My BIL wanted to move in with us, I said no. In my family I wouldn't dream of telling my sister I wanted to live at hers or my Aunt. In my husbands family that woud be norm. my BIL is now sharing a room with his nephew (12) in a two bedroom flat with his other brother and sister in law. This man pays rent though, which is even more bizarre to me, when he could pay for a room of his own in a shared house or bedsit but is sharing a room with a child?!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 26-Mar-14 11:10:55

Get the rest of his stuff packed up now and get any keys back from him. Do not, under any circumstances, let him back into the house to stay.

You've done enough for him.

If your husband has moved away from that culture, why are you happy to cater to your BIL (as he clearly hasn't). With him gone from the house, there will be no one reporting to the family back home and you can get on with your lives happily.

22! He's a grown up.

Slinkysista Wed 26-Mar-14 11:01:53

Op that situation would end my marriage for sure, it sounds hellish to say the least!
Sorry, that's not very helpful but really, you are practically a saint for putting up with that.

NurseyWursey Wed 26-Mar-14 10:41:11

Jesus Christ OP you have been tremendously lovely and calm, you have treated him as one of your own, and quite frankly, babied him.

That's not on, and your husband should have realised this and put a stop to it

OP, I would insist DH makes it clear to BIL and ILs that you both have done your bit. He stayed two years, and was not a well behaved or an appreciative house guest. That he needs to learn manners and to grow up.

We had my BIL stay for 3 years, while studying and when he first started work. DH had to ask him to leave, once he was earning.
We had my DSis stay for 3 years, when we lived abroad. We had to also tell it was time to leave and stand in her own two feet.

Both were behaved well enough, BIL tidied up after himself ONLY (he would wash his dinner plate and ignore a few dirty mugs sitting in the sink. That used drive me mad).
But in both cases around the two year point, I started to resent them staying and want them gone.
Both did all their own cooking, washing, etc. we just provided a free bed.

Family life isn't same with house guests.

Ticklishy Wed 26-Mar-14 06:47:19

Sounds dreadful Op, I think that any time your in laws criticise, you should come straight back laying it on thick that in England it is shameful behaviour and that real men are expected to pull their weight. Tell them friends and neighbours wondered what sort of family your Bil is from behaving like that .

TropicalHorse Wed 26-Mar-14 05:05:12

My BIL came to stay with no end-date and no return flight. He was a similarly helpless, entitled manchild that you have had to deal with. I lasted four days, then bought him a plane ticket. His parents have recently paid me back for it, nearly a year later!

Caitlyn2014 Wed 26-Mar-14 04:39:22

Im married to someone from a different culture and totally get the 'helping someone to get on their feet' way of things - but your situation was out of hand.

I think the stay with his sister will be short lived for the simple reason he will have a brother in law to contend with as head of the house, not a brother, and he will have to toe the line after an initial honeymoon period. So before it all goes tits up where he now is - you have to seize the chance make it very clear to your husband that his brother is not allowed to come back and stay with you. As for what the rest of the family will say, it really is quite simple - you just tell your husband you don't care what they say and that you will not be visiting them in the summer unless he makes it clear to them your brother in law is an arse. And you know what - it is ok to say that, and for him to say it, it really really is. All this talk of he's family etc, that its not the done thing in the culture they come from - bollocks to that. Its not true and you have been fed a line. Even as a family member in your home there were etiquettes he was supposed to observer and its obvious he hasn't, but that said things got to the stage they did because neither you nor your husband said to him - its not going to be this way.

You mentioned what happens after you have your bath. I understand the cultural aspect of it but the way to handle it would have been for you to say - turn your bloody head away if you don't like it, let your eyes be the shield. Or you could have said - why do I have to, is he not like a brother to me??? They cant have it both ways you know, and it really does make me very angry when a woman doesn't have the run of her own house because she's cowed by chancers who use tradition and culture to suit them.

I really wish young women who enter into cross cultural relationships would realize that just because something went on in the husband home country, it doesn't mean to say it has to go on in theirs.

This advice is coming to you from a middle aged granny who's very happily lived (abroad) in a mixed marriage with someone from a very traditional culture for a lifetime. I'm telling you its ok to say BOLLOCKS, and not just because if he wants to maintain the traditions etc of where he came from he should puck right off back to where he grew up. What is going on here is way beyond the normal absorption/blending of each others ways and backgrounds usually found when people from two very different backgrounds make a life together.

Nennypops Tue 18-Mar-14 23:24:31

It's fine for him to want to save money, but the reality is that he is not actually saving money, he is taking it out of dh's pocket, and by virtue of having you for a servant. If he thinks that is manly, he is completely deluded. If dh's family think he is in the right, you are all better off without them.

softlysoftly Tue 18-Mar-14 22:57:07

Well good result the fucker has moved out.

Stick to your guns he DOES NOT COME BACK.

deste Tue 18-Mar-14 22:50:00

I would be telling your husband that if he thought his brother could come back that you would be moving out. Two years, two weeks and I would having been climbing the walls. I don't know how you managed.

ChasedByBees Tue 18-Mar-14 22:06:26

I have no idea how you put up with that for two years

captainmummy Tue 18-Mar-14 21:55:20

So - OP, what would this entitled little prince have done if you'd just siad NO I AM NOT DOING YOUR WASHING!?? (And please dont say you did it for the quiet life)

Honestly - the only reason he is not doing his own washing and cooking and looking after his own self - is because others(women) do it for him!

Maybe you;ve had a lucky escape - a bit of shouting (well done, BTW) and he's gone. Good riddance - don't let him back!

deakymom Tue 18-Mar-14 21:28:46

you should have shouted one year and 11 months ago yanbu he is an unwanted guest who is a pain in the butt

AFishCalledBarry Tue 18-Mar-14 21:28:27

Nadia there was an 'enjoying' missing from that sentence.

TheFabulousIdiot Tue 18-Mar-14 20:51:07

Stop doing his washing! Is there a WTF smiley?

Georgina1975 Tue 18-Mar-14 20:49:24

I get it that he comes from a culture where women are expected to do the domestics...I don't agree, obviously, but I get it. BUT surely the pay-off in this scenario is a significant financial contribution to the household?

The boy is a joke! Please don't feel badly.

Burst into tears did he...hope you passed him his dummy at least.

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:44:59

I keep losing words sorry

MrsPear Tue 18-Mar-14 20:43:35

Back home he would go for a coffee and that was it. His dad would say to him you are not going out and he wouldn't and was therefore controlled. Here I showed him he was adult and if he wanted to go out he could just me know about dinner - he rarely did - but no other explanations required. He enjoyed the freedom but I think that hasn't saved as much as he could. That is what I meant hope it makes sense

NadiaWadia Tue 18-Mar-14 20:36:56

Your BIL sounds like a right little shit, BTW.

NadiaWadia Tue 18-Mar-14 20:35:09

'tbh he has been English culture ahem' - sorry, what does this mean??

Liara Tue 18-Mar-14 20:34:59

OP, YANBU.

It's all well to say 'from a different culture'. I am from a different culture, where family are always welcome to come and stay. They are absolutely grateful for it, offer to help in any way possible and always abide by the rules of the household. As I did when I was young and stayed with family for extended periods.

I wouldn't let them get away with it. Don't say it's about your bil being there, say that it is about the way he was rude and ungrateful, and blame him for it all.

Turn the tables on him.

AlpacaLypse Tue 18-Mar-14 20:34:56

I also had an anglophone African friend from university who did put up with this shite, for donkey's years - she'd worked hard, won a scholarship to a UK university, married a British citizen, progressed well in her chosen career of law - and yet her home always seemed to be full of miscellaneous cousins freeloading on her while they mulled over what to do with the rest of their lives. Sitting on their arses while she ran herself ragged dealing with two small children and a full time job. Grrr....

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