...to expect year 2 children not to be physically violent

(35 Posts)
MimsyBorogoves Tue 18-Mar-14 15:13:13

I've posted about this in Primary Education too, but the traffic is slower there and I really need some other opinions today. This is my day for getting stuff done, and I'm writing a letter to my DD's school to let them know she's leaving for another school in September.

The reason she's moving schools is the physical hurt she gets from her classmates. Two of them have had it in for her since Reception and while I realise not all Reception children have learned not to hit, bite or kick, I'd have thought it would stop by Year 2. Am I wrong?

She comes home almost daily telling me she's been kicked, punched, or pinched, or had something of hers deliberately broken. In the last ten days, she's had her head forced to the ground and then farted on by two different children. I know farting is hilarious to 7-year-olds, but physical abuse is not funny to me. I hate sending her to school knowing she's going to get hurt there. She is swotty, and keen to learn, and all she's learned at this school is how to stand up to bullies.

(I'm glad she's learned that, but it broke my heart, seeing her at the low point she hit this time last year when she let it all out and we began to turn things around.)

I've drafted a letter to the school to say she's leaving, and in it, I've described the physical hurt she gets from the others. Is this too hankie-clutching? Do you expect your kids to get kicked and hit every day? Is it normal?

I have to ask because her school are really, really soft on discipline - a standard punishment for physical violence is "only getting one biscuit at break tomorrow" - so I don't know what other schools are like. I'm fed up with this one.

rollonthesummer Wed 19-Mar-14 10:01:12

a standard punishment for physical violence is "only getting one biscuit at break tomorrow"

I'm sorry but I find this extremely difficult to believe.

Marylou62 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:02:30

And why am I 'wrong'? Cant we just think differently? I was bought up with 4 DB and had my fair share of rough play...And I certainly got hurt because they were stronger than me and showed it ...often!! There is 8 years between us all. My DSs are now grown men and when they were having rough play with their sister..though she enjoyed it, I ..in no uncertain terms told them to tone it down...be more gentle... they are lovely men and play with their nieces, gently, as I chose to bring them up to do.

jellybeans Wed 19-Mar-14 10:11:33

Some schools have a stupid 'no blame policy' where the bully/violent child is not punished at all and the victim is meant to 'work with' the bully. Pathetic.

Marylou62 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:12:24

Jelly....I agree
One of the reasons that we moved schools was because of a terribly angry boy who (witnessed by teachers) would sneakily hurt my son who you all know by now can hold his own. I was sick of him being hurt and not being able to stick up for himself because' poor X cant help it,,,You should just ignore it!!' He was covered in bruises one day and little stabs from a sharpened pencil and lost it with X. He was punished, not X. (even tho teacher who saw all the incident tried to say that my child was sitting away from X and did nothing to him)...Water under the bridge now and poor X is in prison and my son is sad for him but so glad when we moved schools where incidently he was never in trouble again for fighting!

Gini99 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:17:09

Mimsy - we had an almost identical situation to this. Right from the start she had stones thrown at her, kicked, hit in the face with shoes, people wiping their nose on her clothes etc. This was a mainly leafy state primary (and the 4 children at the centre were from a complete mix of homes socially). The teachers were absolutely aware of it, I went in many times and they acknowledged that it was happening and witnessed it many times but seemed apathetic in dealing with it. There was a general sense of, 'well we've done another circle time on it what else can we do'. It was not helped at our school by the fact that the school went into special measures not long after she started there and the head went on long term sick so we had a series of temporary and part-time caretakers who were dealing with a crisis. Plus the teachers were demoralised, focused on results and I suspect there were issues with at least one of the children that were hard to deal with. The difficulty I found was that as it was my first child I had no way of calibrating whether this was to be expected from school at this age - that was essentially the message I got from the teachers' lack of effective action.

The last straw was when we went to parents evening (yr 2) and the teacher told us that DD had been whacked in the face repeatedly with trainers in the class room and that when the child had been removed she had run in and done it again and again. We asked how they were going to keep DD safe and they brought out circle time again. The next day we'd set up a trial day at the local prep and she moved a few weeks later. We were incredibly fortunate to have that option though I had to go full time to fund it. It was the best thing we ever did. She has become herself again and bounces out of school happily. Now I'm out of the situation I can't believe we allowed it to go on for so long because I can now see just how abnormal it is.

I would strongly recommend getting her out of there as soon as possible.

jellybeans Wed 19-Mar-14 10:19:28

Your poor son! Sounds like the best move was changing schools! I thought about it but luckily we got a new headteacher. One of the bullies of my DTs used to say 'it's not my fault,I have ADHD' and the teachers did nothing and parent excused it as 'he can't help it, it's the other kids faults'. Yet I don't see that as an excuse for violence and racial bullying. I have relatives with ADHD and all were punished for any violence and many weren't violent at all in the first place,it is a seperate issue that needs dealing with surely?

Marylou62 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:21:50

And my DB are all lovely gentle men who play with their nephews differently to their nieces....just the way our family is.....not right or wrong..just OUR way. We are a lovely big close family and often have 'bundles' in the garden and it is a joy to watch my 6ft 6in brother being oh so gentle with my 5 nieces and my DD, then gently roughing up his older nephews and my DSs. (apart from my youngest nephew who is such a sweet little thing and doesn't like rough play.. he loves gentle tickles from his uncles.)

Boaty Wed 19-Mar-14 10:23:18

The boy who systematically picked on my DS2 through primary school was excused his behaviour as he had 'problems'. My DS was told to stay out of his way and victim blamed. Bully was allowed free range to follow DS around!
He died suddenly aged 13 of a undiagnosed heart condition, my DS said 'I feel sorry for his family but I'm not going to the school service for him, he was a nasty person, why should I pretend otherwise'

Marylou62 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:38:10

Boaty ...that's so sad but exactly what my DS would say. My DS was told to ignore X as he cant help it and was encouraged to seek other friends...this didn't work because if he did then X would go over and ruin the game for them...then the other kids wouldn't want my DS in the game.( Witnessed by a playground supervisor)my DS was sitting in a bush all by himself..(that was sad on it's own).X came with another child...X kicked him hard in the back, other child then kicked him in face when he ran out of bush...now my DS can stand up for himself and he lost it....Who was punished?? even tho my DS was covered in blood....So So sad and such a difficult time. I just take a minute and now he's almost grown, 17, think we must have done the right thing as he is such a lovely young man, just about to leave home and join the Navy. And my main bully tried to get in touch with me when I joined FB....I ignored all 50+ of her requests...I have nothing to say to her...EVER.

Marylou62 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:57:40

Sorry to hi jack your thread Mimsy...but I don't often talk about my own experiences of being bullied...but nearly everything that posters have said about it happened to me mostly by 2 girls. Physical...Stabbing by sharpened pencils....tripping, hair pulling and even cut off about 4in of my plait....name calling..(.I was 6ft at 13, braces, glasses, flat chested,) taking friends away..I had the s**t kicked out of me at break because I apparently' looked' at her boyfriend!!.anyway I am over it now but it rears its ugly head every now and then....bullying is soul destroying and very hard to understand if you haven't been through it. That is why I worked so hard on my 3 DCs ....and I think achieved it...they were neither bullied or bullies..My greatest achievement....As I said...get your LO out of there NOW.

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