To be getting pissed off at DP's lack of help Re. Wedding?(41 Posts)
DP are supposedly getting married next year.
So far he's put 0 effort into anything. It's me that has had to spend ages on the computer looking up prices of registrar, venue, legal stuff etc.
I asked him a few weeks ago if he was even bothered about this wedding as he has not looked into any of it. He insisted that he was but he needed me to give him a job to focus on So I said "ok, can you find out about car hire for us?". He said he was onto it. A month later I asked him what he'd found re. cars - he said he'd not looked at it yet as he's been busy (yes he has time to play on computer games and watch tv for hours etc). I told him this weekend I was getting pissed off with it all, it's been me that has had to look up and organize viewings with numerous venues (and yes they do need booking a year in advance, he knows this) and it has been me that has had to sit down and look at finances and budget, honeymoon etc. He has not done a thing. So he apologized and admitted he could have been doing more and said he'd get on to it. Sunday he had nothing going on. I was up and out jogging at 7am. He got up about 9, sat on the computer for hours and then went to watch TV. Later he went back on the computer and I thought he's surely looking up the wedding car costs? but no, he was playing a game. I said "so, what have you found with the cars then?" he said "I've not had time yet."
Anyway, long story short, I went off on one and said I was sick of doing it all on my own and felt like I was the only one getting married. He said he'd get onto it straight away, would look into the cars and get prices for the honeymoon. He then made a half arsed attempt at looking at wedding cars. We'd agreed on a Bentley (or rather I said I'd like one and he nodded and smiled). He then comes to me all chuffed saying he'd found one for £150. I was dubious. I was right. Wrong car, it was a crystler. He'd basically clicked on the first car that looked like a Bentley and that was his job done.
Ok whatever, forget about the cars - Ill do that. Look up the price of that wedding venue we briefly mentioned and try and organize us a viewing. He said he'd get onto it. As of yet, it's not been mentioned. I can pretty much guarantee he won't do it. And needless to say he has not looked up honeymoon prices either.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm no bridezilla. One of the options I found was a registry office costing £300 and a function room with buffet costing £200. It's him that supposedly wants the whole posh wedding thing yet won't get off his arse and do anything.
I've just been looking up the cost of everything and considering he seems so uninterested - I'm very, very close to cancelling the entire thing. Seems like a lot of money and a lot of hassle when only one of us can really be arsed with it.
Thanks for the replies. Well I've decided to just back right off. If he wants all the faffing of a big posh wedding he can organise it. I'll back down on the Bentley too since it seems a bit hypocritical saying I want a simple wedding yet I also want one of the poshest cars in the world to take me there .
If nothing is organised by January I'll just book the registry office.
Funnily enough he came home last night and emailed one of the venues we'd talked about asking to make an appointment to go and have a look around. A few brownie points there I suppose
I agree with Bruno too. I had a no frills wedding and everyone said it was great - about us deciding to be together and sharing a day with close people, not about the peripheral things. As an aside, a couple of weeks before DH booked a car, as a luxury. We later agreed it was a total waste, it would have been just as easy to get a lift or a cab, and as the car park was round the back no one else saw it.
Just do the whole thing yourself. It would be easier. And you get to choose. But on the other hand I'd feel like calling the whole thing off for the time being if I met with this much lack of enthusiasm.
What Bruno said. I know some women love planning their big day, but if you're just not into it, why are you turning into his PA?
I think the fashion for DHs to be involved started when couples began paying for their own weddings. When people got married younger they often had not even started a career or job, so the bride's parents tended to cough up, with a bit of help from the groom's parents if they were lucky. In practice that meant the bride and her mum did most of the planning and paying; DH would be responsible for outfits for groom, male parents, best man etc, and for the rings, flowers for mothers, gifts for bridesmaids. I don't remember my DH having any say really in the organisation of church, reception, food, drink etc.
OP it just sounds as if he's more laid back than you are. Unfortunately there are both men & women who have the can't be asked attitude when asked to help organise something that seems monumental. I don't know that I could be bothered to organise a huge wedding either. But it would annoy me if my partner wanted said huge wedding but expected me to sort it all. You need a wedding planner, that would be the easiest thing. It would be a shame for the stress of wedding organising to kill your good feelings about getting married. Or just book the kind of 'do' you want, and get on with it. I bet if you did that, he'd suddenly mobilise himself into organsing the big posh wedding he wants. & isn't there anybody else to help?
Im getting married in a couple of years..DSis & mates are being pulled in to help as, lovely as my OH is, I know I'll end up wanting to brain him as he won't be on my 'organising timescale' & I don't want to be looming over him with this & that expectation. I don't want the stress. Im better at organising than he is, and his organisational skills or lack of, aren't anything to do with why Im marrying him.
I really like the sound of stepmooster's wedding...registry office, pub lunch, then disco. Thats me done!
Oh he chose a prssnt for his mum & arranged for them to pay for the flowers because they wanted to pay for something
He organised the honeymoon as it was a friends holiday flat, he sorted the plane tickets
I think me & my mum organised mine
Dh chose his best men & went shopping for suits
He organised his stag do ( a theme park day )
We both went to the registry office & booked it
Me & my mum did my dress, choe the venue for the meal after & the venue for the reception
They did all the decorating etc
There was a thread a couple of months ago which asked "How involved was your DH in planning your wedding?"
I remember thinking it was funny to see so many replies that said either that they'd done it totally together or that the woman had done almost all of it, and each one expressed that they couldn't have coped with it being the other way around.
So while I think there's no inherent problem with one person doing all the arranging if that's what they're both happy with, the problem here is that you're NOT happy and you WOULD like him to be more involved.
I know that wedding planning can be stressful and can make little incidents seem huge and out of proportion, but I think that this is a real indicator that at the very least you need to sit down together and discuss things, and actually decide whether this is definitely what you want. It might be just the wedding planning, but it's indicative of a lot of things - as someone said above it's him not doing something he's promised to do, it's him prioritising computer games over organising things, it's the fact that he's not as actively enthused as you are (or, at least, he's showing it in a different way.) None of these things are a crime or incompatible with a marriage/relationship in general, but I do think that it's essential that you are on board and totally happy with the fact that this is who he is. If you're going to marry somebody, you don't want to spend the next 50 or 60 years of your life wishing he played less computer games or had more enthusiasm for things you want to do. Seriously, talk, think, decide, and don't be blinded by short term feelings, you need to know that this is going to be for life and your interactions now are not going to change substantially when you are married.
What Bruno said.
Do you and he really really have the same expectations of what marriage is?
If he's already leaving you to do things using the classic 'I haven't had time, I'll do it soon I promise' method (while continuing to faff gaming etc), how much worse will he be in the future?
My DP is one of nature's procrastinators, I had to decide between
a) Forcing him to change.
b) Putting up with it.
c) Swapping him for one who was a bit more pro-active.
Since I do love him dearly, I went for mostly (b) but with a few lines drawn in the sand.
But, you sound more driven and motivated to action than I am - at the same point in our lives, DP and I were frankly both happy to veg out with a good game rather than organise anything.
My DP was similar. He's offering more input the clisery we get to the date. I think it just seemed too far off before and he didn't realize how things get booked up.
Its helping now that I've got a list of all the things that need doing and a date they need to be done by. I just ask him to pick a task and make sure he knows the deadline. The hard part is stopping myself from interfering with'his' tasks.
If I could like Bruno's post I would.
Actually, I would be really questioning whether I wanted to spend my life with someone who is more interested in farting about on the computer or watching TV than getting on with things that needed doing.
Have a look at this thread I started because my DD was having similar 'problems' with her DF.
She felt better having read the thread and realised there are different levels of involvement. She is much more relaxed about it all now.
I'm getting married in October and my DP has left it all to me to arrange, fortunately, I just want to be married to him and him to me so we are going to Vegas, so much easier and tbh, im happy to do all the organising so we have the wedding we want, he admitted that it seems too far away hence why he feels there is no rush,
Oh this is an easy one!
If you're happy with a registry office do, then from now on you do not a thing to organise any of this stuff.
'"oh what would people think? what would parents think? I want a nice wedding ... "
- 'Then organise it (smile) - I'll be here to talk and agree on anything you are interested in, darling. But I'm not as bothered as you are about it, so I'm not going to do all the legwork, sorry. I'm not here to serve your interests.'
Seriously. DO IT. And hold your nerve - really, do not do anything to organise it yourself.
Thing is, you are setting up the way things will be in the future here. He wants something, but can't be arsed to do anything about it. The unspoken expectation is that Muggins the SlaveWife will oblige. If she complains about his lack of help, he only has to mumble a platitude for her to shut up and get on with it.
In three years, you'll be having the same conversation about housework, organising holidays, and caring for the children 'Ooh, just give me a job to do and I'll help, yes darling (whine whine)'. Unless you nip it in the bud pronto and make it clear to him that he's entering a partnership, not bagging a personal servant crossed with dolly bird.
Why is he caring what other people will think of the wedding, when he should be caring about his future wife feelings.
I was in my elements planning my wedding, DH was happy to hand over the bank card and turn up for the day.
If you want a register office wedding and he wants the whole works, then book the smaller wedding (so that you will at least be getting married) and tell him that if he wants something bigger and more elaborate then he will have to organise it.
Or apply to go on Don't Tell The Bride...
Hi OP, my DH was a bitter better than this but there was a lot he just didn't care about. We agreed if pick my top three of whatever we needed & we'd both decide between those three. Yes it did mean I had to do most of the work BUT it also meant I always got something I liked chosen.
I also found in the last month or so DH really stepped up & he did all the table planning, all the stationery you need for the day and a few more bits and bobs so I totally agree with those who say his interest will increase.
In the mean time in your position I'd be tempted to go ahead and just book things, he might have more if an opinion when he's suddenly asked to hand over a deposit for a venue!
I'd just arrange the cheapy wedding then plan to book a really nice honeymoon.
If he complains tell him you're perfectly happy to cancel once he's booked the posh wedding.
I read this with interest and can beat you all!!! We already had a DS and my Dh (who had already had a previous big white do) said 'Your parents are visiting next week, why don't we get married!' We did...10 days later. Not the big white wedding I had always had in mind, but lovely all the same. But I understand that it's him who wants it. Lots of the advice is good but I think most importantly, You need to stop getting so stressed. Cant you just save the extra £500 and then nearer the time organize something? Men are really not that interested in the things we are and I should know...my family are nearly all men...Lovely men who just want to be told what time to be there. Its a relatively new thing...men getting so involved...just ask some over 40s you know!!!
Why not set a deadline for
list of guests
other vital things that need to be booked/decided early
One week before this date you will present your proposal of the wedding YOU would like.
When he says yebut we should have the big thing and the thing and that. Say well there is still a week left until the deadline to decide these things. If you want something other than my proposal you need to present it then. If you don't then we'll go with this.
I organised a registry office do, pub lunch and a little disco in their function room. I spent one weekend arranging it, got married 8 weeks later. I really couldn't be arsed, if your dp wants this fancy wedding then be firm and tell him he can sort it. Better to lay the foundations before you get married otherwise you'll be organising everything you ever do. Childcare, house moves, everything.
He is lazy and hopes you'll do it all.
My DH wants our children to be christened, I don't care, I've told him if he wants one he can organise it. So far he's done nothing about it, sod it if I am arranging all that when I don't even care if they are christened or not!
How long have you been engaged??
Me and DH got married in less than 5 months after he proposed and he was just as excited as me when it came to the planning and organising. We did everything 50/50, he came to all meetings with me with the cake lady, stationery lady, venue, photographers etc - he wanted to play just as big a part in the organisation of it as I did and I think that's how it should be.
I was going to reply and say something along the lines of men just don't get as excited by wedding planning like we do, but after reading your thread I can see why you'd be so annoyed - he really isn't doing anything is he?
I'd be questioning how much he really wants the Wedding??
Are you normally the one who organises stuff like holidays, social life, etc? I am and I think DH just assumed I'd organise our wedding. I think he thought he'd done his bit in organising an engagement ring and proposal! In the end, I just gave him a few things to organise and tried to really leave it too him (which is difficult as I wanted to know things had been organised, and he took a more 'relaxed' approach to things).
Give him a few things to organise and try to back off and accept he might make different choices to you (and operate to a different timeline to you). Does it matter if it's a Chrysler? If it matters to you that much that it's the right car or right X or right Y, then you might need accept that you need to organise it.
I thought it was the bride and her parents job to organise everything? I just turned up on the day.
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