To be getting pissed off at DP's lack of help Re. Wedding?

(41 Posts)
joggingonwardandupwards Tue 18-Mar-14 15:11:11

DP are supposedly getting married next year.

So far he's put 0 effort into anything. It's me that has had to spend ages on the computer looking up prices of registrar, venue, legal stuff etc.

I asked him a few weeks ago if he was even bothered about this wedding as he has not looked into any of it. He insisted that he was but he needed me to give him a job to focus on hmm So I said "ok, can you find out about car hire for us?". He said he was onto it. A month later I asked him what he'd found re. cars - he said he'd not looked at it yet as he's been busy (yes he has time to play on computer games and watch tv for hours etc). I told him this weekend I was getting pissed off with it all, it's been me that has had to look up and organize viewings with numerous venues (and yes they do need booking a year in advance, he knows this) and it has been me that has had to sit down and look at finances and budget, honeymoon etc. He has not done a thing. So he apologized and admitted he could have been doing more and said he'd get on to it. Sunday he had nothing going on. I was up and out jogging at 7am. He got up about 9, sat on the computer for hours and then went to watch TV. Later he went back on the computer and I thought he's surely looking up the wedding car costs? but no, he was playing a game. I said "so, what have you found with the cars then?" he said "I've not had time yet."

Anyway, long story short, I went off on one and said I was sick of doing it all on my own and felt like I was the only one getting married. He said he'd get onto it straight away, would look into the cars and get prices for the honeymoon. He then made a half arsed attempt at looking at wedding cars. We'd agreed on a Bentley (or rather I said I'd like one and he nodded and smiled). He then comes to me all chuffed saying he'd found one for £150. I was dubious. I was right. Wrong car, it was a crystler. He'd basically clicked on the first car that looked like a Bentley and that was his job done.

Ok whatever, forget about the cars - Ill do that. Look up the price of that wedding venue we briefly mentioned and try and organize us a viewing. He said he'd get onto it. As of yet, it's not been mentioned. I can pretty much guarantee he won't do it. And needless to say he has not looked up honeymoon prices either.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm no bridezilla. One of the options I found was a registry office costing £300 and a function room with buffet costing £200. It's him that supposedly wants the whole posh wedding thing yet won't get off his arse and do anything.

I've just been looking up the cost of everything and considering he seems so uninterested - I'm very, very close to cancelling the entire thing. Seems like a lot of money and a lot of hassle when only one of us can really be arsed with it.

HadABadDay2014 Tue 18-Mar-14 17:14:01

Why is he caring what other people will think of the wedding, when he should be caring about his future wife feelings.

I was in my elements planning my wedding, DH was happy to hand over the bank card and turn up for the day.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Tue 18-Mar-14 17:14:10

Oh this is an easy one!

If you're happy with a registry office do, then from now on you do not a thing to organise any of this stuff.

'"oh what would people think? what would parents think? I want a nice wedding ... "

- 'Then organise it (smile) - I'll be here to talk and agree on anything you are interested in, darling. But I'm not as bothered as you are about it, so I'm not going to do all the legwork, sorry. I'm not here to serve your interests.'

Seriously. DO IT. And hold your nerve - really, do not do anything to organise it yourself.

Thing is, you are setting up the way things will be in the future here. He wants something, but can't be arsed to do anything about it. The unspoken expectation is that Muggins the SlaveWife will oblige. If she complains about his lack of help, he only has to mumble a platitude for her to shut up and get on with it.

Fuck. That.

In three years, you'll be having the same conversation about housework, organising holidays, and caring for the children 'Ooh, just give me a job to do and I'll help, yes darling (whine whine)'. Unless you nip it in the bud pronto and make it clear to him that he's entering a partnership, not bagging a personal servant crossed with dolly bird.

cocoblu Tue 18-Mar-14 17:51:25

I'm getting married in October and my DP has left it all to me to arrange, fortunately, I just want to be married to him and him to me so we are going to Vegas, so much easier and tbh, im happy to do all the organising so we have the wedding we want, he admitted that it seems too far away hence why he feels there is no rush,

MammaTJ Tue 18-Mar-14 17:55:10

Have a look at this thread I started because my DD was having similar 'problems' with her DF.

She felt better having read the thread and realised there are different levels of involvement. She is much more relaxed about it all now.

Slapperati Tue 18-Mar-14 17:58:15

If I could like Bruno's post I would.

Actually, I would be really questioning whether I wanted to spend my life with someone who is more interested in farting about on the computer or watching TV than getting on with things that needed doing.

whattoWHO Tue 18-Mar-14 18:04:34

My DP was similar. He's offering more input the clisery we get to the date. I think it just seemed too far off before and he didn't realize how things get booked up.

Its helping now that I've got a list of all the things that need doing and a date they need to be done by. I just ask him to pick a task and make sure he knows the deadline. The hard part is stopping myself from interfering with'his' tasks.

AlpacaLypse Tue 18-Mar-14 18:09:44

What Bruno said.

Do you and he really really have the same expectations of what marriage is?

If he's already leaving you to do things using the classic 'I haven't had time, I'll do it soon I promise' method (while continuing to faff gaming etc), how much worse will he be in the future?

My DP is one of nature's procrastinators, I had to decide between

a) Forcing him to change.

b) Putting up with it.

c) Swapping him for one who was a bit more pro-active.

Since I do love him dearly, I went for mostly (b) blush but with a few lines drawn in the sand.

But, you sound more driven and motivated to action than I am - at the same point in our lives, DP and I were frankly both happy to veg out with a good game rather than organise anything.

BertieBotts Tue 18-Mar-14 18:15:14

There was a thread a couple of months ago which asked "How involved was your DH in planning your wedding?"

I remember thinking it was funny to see so many replies that said either that they'd done it totally together or that the woman had done almost all of it, and each one expressed that they couldn't have coped with it being the other way around.

So while I think there's no inherent problem with one person doing all the arranging if that's what they're both happy with, the problem here is that you're NOT happy and you WOULD like him to be more involved.

I know that wedding planning can be stressful and can make little incidents seem huge and out of proportion, but I think that this is a real indicator that at the very least you need to sit down together and discuss things, and actually decide whether this is definitely what you want. It might be just the wedding planning, but it's indicative of a lot of things - as someone said above it's him not doing something he's promised to do, it's him prioritising computer games over organising things, it's the fact that he's not as actively enthused as you are (or, at least, he's showing it in a different way.) None of these things are a crime or incompatible with a marriage/relationship in general, but I do think that it's essential that you are on board and totally happy with the fact that this is who he is. If you're going to marry somebody, you don't want to spend the next 50 or 60 years of your life wishing he played less computer games or had more enthusiasm for things you want to do. Seriously, talk, think, decide, and don't be blinded by short term feelings, you need to know that this is going to be for life and your interactions now are not going to change substantially when you are married.

pussycatdoll Tue 18-Mar-14 18:22:12

I think me & my mum organised mine
Dh chose his best men & went shopping for suits
He organised his stag do ( a theme park day )
We both went to the registry office & booked it
Me & my mum did my dress, choe the venue for the meal after & the venue for the reception
They did all the decorating etc

pussycatdoll Tue 18-Mar-14 18:23:41

Oh he chose a prssnt for his mum & arranged for them to pay for the flowers because they wanted to pay for something
He organised the honeymoon as it was a friends holiday flat, he sorted the plane tickets

MistressDeeCee Tue 18-Mar-14 18:24:01

OP it just sounds as if he's more laid back than you are. Unfortunately there are both men & women who have the can't be asked attitude when asked to help organise something that seems monumental. I don't know that I could be bothered to organise a huge wedding either. But it would annoy me if my partner wanted said huge wedding but expected me to sort it all. You need a wedding planner, that would be the easiest thing. It would be a shame for the stress of wedding organising to kill your good feelings about getting married. Or just book the kind of 'do' you want, and get on with it. I bet if you did that, he'd suddenly mobilise himself into organsing the big posh wedding he wantssmile. & isn't there anybody else to help?

Im getting married in a couple of years..DSis & mates are being pulled in to help as, lovely as my OH is, I know I'll end up wanting to brain him as he won't be on my 'organising timescale' & I don't want to be looming over him with this & that expectation. I don't want the stress. Im better at organising than he is, and his organisational skills or lack of, aren't anything to do with why Im marrying him.

I really like the sound of stepmooster's wedding...registry office, pub lunch, then disco. Thats me done!

indigo18 Tue 18-Mar-14 18:42:21

I think the fashion for DHs to be involved started when couples began paying for their own weddings. When people got married younger they often had not even started a career or job, so the bride's parents tended to cough up, with a bit of help from the groom's parents if they were lucky. In practice that meant the bride and her mum did most of the planning and paying; DH would be responsible for outfits for groom, male parents, best man etc, and for the rings, flowers for mothers, gifts for bridesmaids. I don't remember my DH having any say really in the organisation of church, reception, food, drink etc.

Landoni112 Tue 18-Mar-14 19:47:23

What Bruno said. I know some women love planning their big day, but if you're just not into it, why are you turning into his PA?

Viviennemary Tue 18-Mar-14 19:55:02

Just do the whole thing yourself. It would be easier. And you get to choose. But on the other hand I'd feel like calling the whole thing off for the time being if I met with this much lack of enthusiasm.

EEatingSoupForLunch Tue 18-Mar-14 22:51:28

I agree with Bruno too. I had a no frills wedding and everyone said it was great - about us deciding to be together and sharing a day with close people, not about the peripheral things. As an aside, a couple of weeks before DH booked a car, as a luxury. We later agreed it was a total waste, it would have been just as easy to get a lift or a cab, and as the car park was round the back no one else saw it.

joggingonwardandupwards Wed 19-Mar-14 10:51:35

Thanks for the replies. Well I've decided to just back right off. If he wants all the faffing of a big posh wedding he can organise it. I'll back down on the Bentley too since it seems a bit hypocritical saying I want a simple wedding yet I also want one of the poshest cars in the world to take me there grin.

If nothing is organised by January I'll just book the registry office.

Funnily enough he came home last night and emailed one of the venues we'd talked about asking to make an appointment to go and have a look around. A few brownie points there I suppose wink

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