To be getting pissed off at DP's lack of help Re. Wedding?

(41 Posts)
joggingonwardandupwards Tue 18-Mar-14 15:11:11

DP are supposedly getting married next year.

So far he's put 0 effort into anything. It's me that has had to spend ages on the computer looking up prices of registrar, venue, legal stuff etc.

I asked him a few weeks ago if he was even bothered about this wedding as he has not looked into any of it. He insisted that he was but he needed me to give him a job to focus on hmm So I said "ok, can you find out about car hire for us?". He said he was onto it. A month later I asked him what he'd found re. cars - he said he'd not looked at it yet as he's been busy (yes he has time to play on computer games and watch tv for hours etc). I told him this weekend I was getting pissed off with it all, it's been me that has had to look up and organize viewings with numerous venues (and yes they do need booking a year in advance, he knows this) and it has been me that has had to sit down and look at finances and budget, honeymoon etc. He has not done a thing. So he apologized and admitted he could have been doing more and said he'd get on to it. Sunday he had nothing going on. I was up and out jogging at 7am. He got up about 9, sat on the computer for hours and then went to watch TV. Later he went back on the computer and I thought he's surely looking up the wedding car costs? but no, he was playing a game. I said "so, what have you found with the cars then?" he said "I've not had time yet."

Anyway, long story short, I went off on one and said I was sick of doing it all on my own and felt like I was the only one getting married. He said he'd get onto it straight away, would look into the cars and get prices for the honeymoon. He then made a half arsed attempt at looking at wedding cars. We'd agreed on a Bentley (or rather I said I'd like one and he nodded and smiled). He then comes to me all chuffed saying he'd found one for £150. I was dubious. I was right. Wrong car, it was a crystler. He'd basically clicked on the first car that looked like a Bentley and that was his job done.

Ok whatever, forget about the cars - Ill do that. Look up the price of that wedding venue we briefly mentioned and try and organize us a viewing. He said he'd get onto it. As of yet, it's not been mentioned. I can pretty much guarantee he won't do it. And needless to say he has not looked up honeymoon prices either.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm no bridezilla. One of the options I found was a registry office costing £300 and a function room with buffet costing £200. It's him that supposedly wants the whole posh wedding thing yet won't get off his arse and do anything.

I've just been looking up the cost of everything and considering he seems so uninterested - I'm very, very close to cancelling the entire thing. Seems like a lot of money and a lot of hassle when only one of us can really be arsed with it.

Burren Tue 18-Mar-14 15:16:17

Cancel, then, OP. It sounds like a joyless waste of your time, and you can easily organise a registry office quickie with a brief phone call and your birth certs.

I have to say, I would be in your fiancé's camp - I could not feign the slightest interest in car hire or venue viewings, and would have resented them as a colossal waste of time - but then I would never have wanted that kind of wedding, or expected my partner to organise it by himself.

Is it the wedding he's uninterested in, or the marriage?

joggingonwardandupwards Tue 18-Mar-14 15:21:19

But that's the thing. I'm totally happy with a quick registry office job (£300 to hire the ceremony room for 1 hour with 30 guests) and then a meal or party later on for family and friends. £1k tops. But then he says "oh what would people think? what would parents think? I want a nice wedding ... "

Well get off your arse and organise the fucker then!! or at least help me do it! if it was me wanting all the fancy stuff I could understand him not wanting to faff about organising but it's not, I'd go for the simple way any day and he knows that.

The paranoia in me is telling me that he keeps going on about a posh wedding as it will stall the entire process. We could do the registry office next month ... his idea of a wedding will take at least a year to organise and save up for and he probably knows I'll get pissed off with it sooner or later and back out - maybe that's what he's hoping for.

velvetmoon Tue 18-Mar-14 15:23:33

"DP are supposedly getting married next year."

There's your problem, OP. I went through pretty much the same thing with my (now) DH. Arguments, stress, etc., and he still barely did anything. When we finally sat down and talked about it, it became clear that because it was so far away he just couldn't muster up the enthusiasm and didn't think things needed doing so early. This is a huge generalisation, but men can be far more laid back about things - and in the case of a wedding, this is very common.

He found you a car. Ok, it wasn't the one you wanted, but he at least went online and found one, which is, I think, a good start. Go easy on him!

I know it's stressful, and I know it seems unfair, but can you just take a step back for the moment? It's not worth it. Your wedding is a big day, yes, but on the day you really won't care less what type of car you have, whether it's a Chrysler or a Bentley. It's not worth cancelling the wedding over something like this.

If you'd like my advice, I would book a table at a restaurant one evening and go out, just the two of you - and don't talk about the wedding. Just remember why you're getting married and leave all the stress of planning a wedding behind you, even if it's just for one evening. It really will help.

Good luck!

Slothful Tue 18-Mar-14 15:24:34

he probably knows I'll get pissed off with it sooner or later and back out - maybe that's what he's hoping for.

You need to have a good talk about what you both want in life.

UncleT Tue 18-Mar-14 15:26:49

Bottom line - he doesn't sound into it at all. How long has this been going on? I'm wondering why you're with him, never mind marrying him....

joggingonwardandupwards Tue 18-Mar-14 15:32:58

Since the start really. When I say he's not looked into anything I literally mean ANYTHING. See the problem is we have spare money (around £500 a month) up until October so any big purchases we need in the near future we need to buy/book now because after october our income reduces by £500 a month for a full year. We'll be ok - but obviously not as well off as we are now. So I'm looking at our finances and the way I see it, we either spend this spare £500 a month (around £3k in total) on booking this holiday or we enjoy the last few months of having spare money ... because if we don't book soon, we won't have the money to do so after october if that makes sense.

joggingonwardandupwards Tue 18-Mar-14 15:33:32

wedding, not holiday!

RedFocus Tue 18-Mar-14 15:37:02

I didn't think blokes did any of the wedding planning? I thought you just wave a magazine in their face and and they just agree to whatever you want. Mine did anyway. I did it all. That's why we eloped to Gretna green! Haha wink

RiverRocks Tue 18-Mar-14 15:38:05

Hi OP,

I think a pp may have it, that it's too far away for him to think about. Or even, less generously, that he knows if he leaves it you will have to do it. It doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested in the marriage (though if you have doubts there you need to talk to him), just that he's not interested in the wedding.

I don't want a big wedding. I proposed running off the Vegas, but we can't afford it this year and have just found out I'm pregnant (that's the first time I've written that grin) so next year is out too. I'm now looking at Gretna Green for the summer to avoid bringing shame on my family wink

If he wants the big posh wedding, pay for a wedding planner or he does it himself. Otherwise, I'd be minded to say 'registry office is booked for a week next Tuesday, make sure you've got some clean socks'!

RiverRocks Tue 18-Mar-14 15:41:42

Red - great minds think alike! Could you PM me with the details? I'm interested to hear a first hand account.

(Sorry for the hijack)

jogging I think you need to spell this out to him. Is marriage important to you? Does he understand this? Has he even thought about the money issue? If you're going to be down £500 a month after the end of the year, can you even afford to be having the big white wedding he's always dreamed of?

charlietangoteakettlebarbeque Tue 18-Mar-14 15:42:05

I went through this with my OH about 4 years ago.

He didn't get involved at all and made me feel like I was forcing him to marry. It was a horrible feeling.

So one day I cancelled the whole thing. We are still together now, and have a DS.

Being engaged did not suit us, and I was not afraid to tell all my friends and family that we gave the engagement a go, but marriage was not for us.

I really wouldn't stress yourself out about it. Just tell him its off, as he is obviously not arsed about it.

Is getting married very important to you? After a few months of engagement I realised it didn't mean as much to me as I thought. A waste of good money and it wasn't actually making us any happier - in fact it made us miserable. I was always nagging him and the more I nagged, the less interest he showed.

pinkdelight Tue 18-Mar-14 15:42:35

Do the cheapie hassle-free option then. And when he asks what will people think? The answer is that they'll think he couldn't be arsed to organise anything bigger, because that's the truth and you'll tell them.

Also in the 'couldn't be arsed with all that' camp btw. Venues, cars etc for something next year. Registry office and a small bash is fine. Sounds like it's just making you stressed and resenting him relaxing. Not worth it.

CbeebiesIsMyLife Tue 18-Mar-14 15:44:05

My DH is the same, its all ust too far in advance for him to muster any enthuasiasm about, weather its a holiday, birth of a child, chistmas, or our wedding. We used to have massive arguments about it, but now we do things a different way. I organise all the big must be looked into now things, I'll book a cottage/hotel/etc for a holiday or sort out teh budget for christmas and start buying presents through out the year and he will organise last miuite things like activities on holidays and baby sitters if we want to go out on a date, or the christmas day menu as it can be done 1 or 2 weeks before the event.
It works for us, but until we got to this point there was lot of resentment and anger on both sides, him feeling left out as I had done it all and me feeling put upon as I was doing it all

pinkdelight Tue 18-Mar-14 15:44:40

"wedding, not holiday!"

Ooh, very telling slip. Cheapie wedding and have a nice holiday. Much better for both of you! And for the marriage.

ilovesooty Tue 18-Mar-14 15:47:25

I know it's not what the thread is about but you were up jogging at 7am on a Sunday? Reading between the lines you sound driven and focused and he sounds more laid back by nature. Perhaps you'll need to work on a compromise and negotiate a bit.

Golferman Tue 18-Mar-14 15:50:06

I thought it was the bride and her parents job to organise everything? I just turned up on the day.

snowgirl1 Tue 18-Mar-14 15:52:33

Are you normally the one who organises stuff like holidays, social life, etc? I am and I think DH just assumed I'd organise our wedding. I think he thought he'd done his bit in organising an engagement ring and proposal! In the end, I just gave him a few things to organise and tried to really leave it too him (which is difficult as I wanted to know things had been organised, and he took a more 'relaxed' approach to things).

Give him a few things to organise and try to back off and accept he might make different choices to you (and operate to a different timeline to you). Does it matter if it's a Chrysler? If it matters to you that much that it's the right car or right X or right Y, then you might need accept that you need to organise it.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 18-Mar-14 15:53:23

How long have you been engaged??

Me and DH got married in less than 5 months after he proposed and he was just as excited as me when it came to the planning and organising. We did everything 50/50, he came to all meetings with me with the cake lady, stationery lady, venue, photographers etc - he wanted to play just as big a part in the organisation of it as I did and I think that's how it should be.

I was going to reply and say something along the lines of men just don't get as excited by wedding planning like we do, but after reading your thread I can see why you'd be so annoyed - he really isn't doing anything is he?

I'd be questioning how much he really wants the Wedding??

stepmooster Tue 18-Mar-14 15:57:44

I organised a registry office do, pub lunch and a little disco in their function room. I spent one weekend arranging it, got married 8 weeks later. I really couldn't be arsed, if your dp wants this fancy wedding then be firm and tell him he can sort it. Better to lay the foundations before you get married otherwise you'll be organising everything you ever do. Childcare, house moves, everything.

He is lazy and hopes you'll do it all.

My DH wants our children to be christened, I don't care, I've told him if he wants one he can organise it. So far he's done nothing about it, sod it if I am arranging all that when I don't even care if they are christened or not!

BillyBanter Tue 18-Mar-14 16:00:10

Why not set a deadline for

register office
reception venue
list of guests
transport
other vital things that need to be booked/decided early

One week before this date you will present your proposal of the wedding YOU would like.

When he says yebut we should have the big thing and the thing and that. Say well there is still a week left until the deadline to decide these things. If you want something other than my proposal you need to present it then. If you don't then we'll go with this.

Marylou62 Tue 18-Mar-14 16:47:49

I read this with interest and can beat you all!!! We already had a DS and my Dh (who had already had a previous big white do) said 'Your parents are visiting next week, why don't we get married!' We did...10 days later. Not the big white wedding I had always had in mind, but lovely all the same. But I understand that it's him who wants it. Lots of the advice is good but I think most importantly, You need to stop getting so stressed. Cant you just save the extra £500 and then nearer the time organize something? Men are really not that interested in the things we are and I should know...my family are nearly all men...Lovely men who just want to be told what time to be there. Its a relatively new thing...men getting so involved...just ask some over 40s you know!!!

wobblyweebles Tue 18-Mar-14 16:55:57

I'd just arrange the cheapy wedding then plan to book a really nice honeymoon.

If he complains tell him you're perfectly happy to cancel once he's booked the posh wedding.

SmallBee Tue 18-Mar-14 17:04:46

Hi OP, my DH was a bitter better than this but there was a lot he just didn't care about. We agreed if pick my top three of whatever we needed & we'd both decide between those three. Yes it did mean I had to do most of the work BUT it also meant I always got something I liked chosen.
I also found in the last month or so DH really stepped up & he did all the table planning, all the stationery you need for the day and a few more bits and bobs so I totally agree with those who say his interest will increase.
In the mean time in your position I'd be tempted to go ahead and just book things, he might have more if an opinion when he's suddenly asked to hand over a deposit for a venue!

If you want a register office wedding and he wants the whole works, then book the smaller wedding (so that you will at least be getting married) and tell him that if he wants something bigger and more elaborate then he will have to organise it.

Or apply to go on Don't Tell The Bride... grin

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