AIBU to be really upset that Grandparents are moving to be near favourite grandchildren

(151 Posts)
betty10k Tue 18-Mar-14 14:02:27

This might be a long one....
We're very lucky that our in laws live nearby and have my son (19 months) one day a week and the rest of the week he goes to nursery as we both have to work full time to pay the bills. I miss him immensely and wish i didn't have to work 5 days a week and commute but i do. It was softened by the fact that he was with his grandparents once a week and they love having him - always said it was the highlight of their week. He is close to them and i feel so grateful that he has a close relationship with them. Way back when we started talking about having a family they always said they wanted to have him/her once a week, there were ideas about him going to the local primary school which is walking distance from their house and him going back to theirs everyday for his tea. All dreams and all far off i know but my parents moved abroad when i was young so all this was important to me. I'm also an only child so this is probably where some of this unreasonableness and lack of understanding is coming from....?

Everything changed last year when my brother and sister in law + 3 grandchildren (all over 10) moved to the other end of the country (4hours away). Grandparents were distraught and slowly but surely they started dropping the days they could do so they could go up there and see them and stay there. They have a holiday cottage where they can stay. (This obviously was a bit of a pain as we've had to use up our holiday to look after him when they've not been able to) So i suppose you could say he would be better off in nursery all week. But it's just not what we wanted and nor can we afford it.

They got back from 2 weeks staying with brother in law on Sunday. My husband dropped my little boy off at his grandparents this morning as usual and they announced they wanted to move to be near them (4hours away) and would be selling up and obviously wouldn't be able to have our son anymore. Husband is upset but like most blokes probably won't say anything. Although he did say he's not surprised and he always comes last anyway and no'one in his family tells him anything so from this i take it that he clearly does care. Grandparents whole family live in the same area so they won't just be leaving us.

I've now gone from angry to upset. I never thought they'd actually go as when mentioned before they said they wouldn't because we needed them. This is true. But more than anything i'm upset for my son because like my husband he's been put last by them and he adores them. I've got to see them tonight and i don't want to (sounds pathetic i know but i don't deal with confrontation well and will probably cry) What do i do or say? Tell the truth or just let the resentment simmer?

The relationship we have with them will be so different. We don't have much spare time, husband is self employed trying to grow his business and works 6-7 days a week so we will only be able to visit them twice a year at most. We have a small cottage with not much room for visitors whereas they can go and stay with brother in law whenever they like in the holiday cottage they have. Their kids are all over 10 ours isn't yet 2 and hopefully one day we will be able to afford to have another one so i thought they'd want to be here to see them grow up and be a part of that. But i can understand that brother in law's family have more time for them as sister in law doesn't work so life is one long party - family dinners every week etc. (trying not to sound jealous but i am - i'd love to be able to look after my child myself and not work!)

So a very long rambling AIBU which isn't written very well. Can someone give me some advice without making me cry please.

betty10k Tue 18-Mar-14 14:04:45

I forgot to mention that grandparents were supposed to be spending Christmas with us but changed their mind at the last minute and said they really wanted to go to brother in laws instead. So it just seems to be a recurring theme. Are grandparents normally like this?

picklesrule Tue 18-Mar-14 14:07:39

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I can see why you are upset but it is one of those things that you just have to suck up I think. It is their life and their choice. It may not only be about being near the kids, perhaps they have other personal reasons for wanting to move.
Can totally see why you are hurt and I don't think there is anything wrong with them knowing that you are upset but I think it would be unreasonable of you to get cross with them if that makes sense?

I understand how you feel but yes YABU! It's not your inlaws fault that you have to work and really, they have to live their lives the way they want and not revolve it around your DS. Is the SIL their daughter? If you think about it, the kids are over 10, that is 10 years they have been in their lives so they are bound to be more emotionally attached to them that your DS.

No advice to give really, but just remember that it isn't their responsibilty to have your DS once a week, you need to make your own arrangements.

SallyMcgally Tue 18-Mar-14 14:09:28

thanks you poor thing. And how lovely of you to want to be near your in-laws. So often it's the other way round.

But I don't think you can put pressure on them not to move. It's reasonable for them to make that decision with their own happiness in mind, however upsetting and hurtful this is for you. Having said that I think it would be perfectly fine for you to say that you'll really miss them, and that of course your DC will really miss them as well.

Twighlightsparkle Tue 18-Mar-14 14:11:25

YANBU, but I don't think there's much you can do to change the situation.

Try to think positively about it ( difficult I know) . Many hugs

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Tue 18-Mar-14 14:15:02

I can see why this must be so upsetting for you and your DH

But your pils's are in a bit of a no win situation, wherever they live they will be apart from one of their children and their grandchildren

I don't think the children's ages come into it, just because the other gc are over 10 doesn't mean they need them less, in fact perhaps your pil feel they need them more? Wherever they live they must miss their gc a lot

The childcare thing is a bit of a red herring because although it's lovely they have wanted to help out people are entitled to change their minds at any time, and free childcare is a lot to ask of people. Sometimes the reality is harder than expected

But as I said I can totally understand why you're so upset about this, especially if it was out of the blue. Your poor DH must feel awful but I'm sure they will miss him and that this decision was not an easy one for them

Tbh you main concern about them moving is the one days childcare they provide. Therefore yabu.

Goblinchild Tue 18-Mar-14 14:15:46

It's OK that you are upset and that you don't want things to change.
But they are going to change whether you like it or not, so for the sake of your family and relationships with the extended family, you are going to have to find a way to cope with this.
Grandparents could also point out that and that you are being unfair to want to restrict and define what their lives will be for the next few years, presumably you also had thoughts about when he goes to school, and what would happen in case of illness and holidays?
You need to accept that they have free will and can decide what they want to do for themselves, without feeling pressurised by other family members. It is distressing, but once you do that, the relationships will be much healthier.

maggiemight Tue 18-Mar-14 14:16:53

Did they spend loads of time with the other DGCs growing up, so although your DS is every bit as adorable they just feel closer to the others.

Is your SIL v pleased? In her shoes I would have misgivings. Her DCs will not need babysitters soon as the older will watch the younger at the age they're at, then they'll leave home! and she'll be left with responsibility for aging GPs??

Is there another family member who might like to childmind?

Ilovehamabeads Tue 18-Mar-14 14:17:19

Yanbu to be upset. If you cry when you see them then so be it, you're upset and perhaps it would be helpful that they know you are all going to miss them. Ywbu to be angry with them though as its their life and their choice and not their issue that you have to work. I'm going through similar with my own parents but my resentment seems to be aimed at my brother. I'm trying to just suck it up and get on with life. If my children have a better relationship with their other grandparents because my parents cba to make time for them then tough luck to my mum.

ROARmeow Tue 18-Mar-14 14:17:36

"sister in law doesn't work so life is one long party"

hmm

The life of a SAHM isn't peaches and roses all the time, YABU for that comment, but I understand that you're angry.

I'd be angry too in your position, but even more frustrating is that you can't do anything about it.

YANBU to be upset for your DH and your DS.

betty10k Tue 18-Mar-14 14:20:31

It's not about the childcare i was already thinking about putting him into nursery full time and saying they could always collect him early if they wanted to. It's about the close relationship we have being taken away. Thanks for all your advice though. SIL is very pleased they have been encouraging this from day 1. I find that hard to deal with too.

betty10k Tue 18-Mar-14 14:23:14

ROARmeow i don't mean to be unreasonable about the SAHM comment i know it's hard - i found it hard when i was on maternity leave. But really she does have it good.

OwlCapone Tue 18-Mar-14 14:24:59

So i suppose you could say he would be better off in nursery all week. But it's just not what we wanted and nor can we afford it.

It's not about the childcare i was already thinking about putting him into nursery full time

How do these two statements tally up?

Is the SIL or the BIL the child of the grandparents?

picnicbasketcase Tue 18-Mar-14 14:28:49

This is going to sound horrible and probably is, but I think I'd just let it go, they've clearly made their choice which part of the family means more to them and is more important to see so I would bother with them as little as possible from now on. Not because of them no longer being able to babysit, because that attitude obviously would be selfish in the extreme, but because I'd find it so hurtful that my family didn't seem to matter compared to the SIL's family.

feathermucker Tue 18-Mar-14 14:29:14

Genuine question - why are you more important than BIL and SIL? They've spent a while looking after your DS, but also deserve a life of their own.

They can't please everybody.

Electryone Tue 18-Mar-14 14:30:53

What difference does it make if its their daughter or son?

feathermucker Tue 18-Mar-14 14:31:01

Also, its understandable you're upset, but I'm sure you'll still see them. Guess it can't have been an easy decision for them.

parakeet Tue 18-Mar-14 14:31:53

You say in your second post it wasn't about the childcare but everything in your first post says it is. It is your husband's choice to run his own business and have little time to help with childcare.

Many people do not have grandparents around any more or they live in a different country or they have health issues.

You also sound very resentful of SIL for being SAHP. Ridiculous. There's nothing to stop you having weekly family dinners if you want. Maybe GPs are moving to be with the child who invites them round for dinner more and doesn't just use them for free childcare?

aquashiv Tue 18-Mar-14 14:32:32

Smile and wish them well. Four hours is nothing. Your child will still have a relationship with his Gp.
You are sounding a bit entitled they might just want a new ad venture

ReallyTired Tue 18-Mar-14 14:34:12

Are you upset about the lack of free childcare or missing granparents as people. Your post does sound very grabby and entitled. I feel you are being too quick to assume favourism. I expect that your inlaws feel torn between both children.

It may well be the case that your inlaws are moving to a nicer location of country where their holiday cottage is. It is understandable if your inlaws choose to enjoy their retirement in their holdiay cottage. Certainly I would rather live somewhere beautiful like the lake district or cornwel than a grotty town.

Cobain Tue 18-Mar-14 14:35:00

Is it just about family or does location have a part to play? Did they have the holiday home prior to the move of BIL & SIL? It is sad but there is nothing you can do about it. I live in a place for good school and for employment but would like to move when DC are adults. If one of the DCs lived close to a place we would like to live then we would consider it, this would be location rather then picking favourites.

diddl Tue 18-Mar-14 14:38:54

Where do the others live ?

Is it a nicer area, more to do?

And of course if it's their daughter who doesn't work they get to see more of her.

People I know emigrated to NZ not long after their youngest son, leaving the other two behind in UK!!

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