To not want her to come?

(177 Posts)
HeyMaybeBaby Mon 17-Mar-14 22:18:32

I am married been with hubby over 20 years. He has a female friend he met in work about 7 years ago. We have had a few problems over the years he has always found her a good friend. The friendship has been purely platonic I think. We met up a couple times with her and her husband and we visited her when they had a baby but otherwise I didn't really know her.

Her and her husband split up last year and we started meeting up for coffees and nails and got friendlier though I wouldn't say she was a close friend. She got back with him but they split up again recently.
Last weekend oh was supposed to take me to cinema but then said he was meeting up with her as she was 'lonely'

This weekend we had arranged ages ago to meet up with some old friends of ours (a couple). My hubby invited her and she wants to come! I don't want her too - it's a couples night, she doesn't know our friends and I was looking forward to catching up with them and also want my husband to myself please! Do you think I am unreasonable if I say (nicely) that she can't come?

Martorana Fri 21-Mar-14 09:26:48

So, if your "hubby was going to take you to the cinema", (or, as we grown ups say- you were planning to go to the cinema with your husband) and a good male friend of his rang and said he was going through a crap time and would "hubby" meet him for a pint you would expect "hubby" to refuse because of the cinema trip? Or if a good woman friend rang you? If you were going to a comedy club with another couple and you invited a woman friend to join you, would you be OK about your "hubby" texting her to cancel without consulting you?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 20-Mar-14 18:30:09

Last weekend oh was supposed to take me to cinema but then said he was meeting up with her as she was 'lonely'

From opening paragraph <pedants' corner> with OP's punctuation which I took to be a quote from DH. Who knows whether he made an assumption all by himself or an innocuous remark was made by the woman herself. She may have made a simple comment along the lines of, not having had much adult company recently. She may not be lonely (or God forbid, "needy" as some would say), in the least.

springykyrie Thu 20-Mar-14 09:44:34

ffs - enough already with the 'lonely' !!

OP gave that as the reason her DH was canceling their weekend plans - because the other woman was 'lonely'.

Then the OP made the assumption that the woman was 'lonely'.

I have already said further back that I think the DH is primarily responsible for the situation arising in the first place. I have also said that I do not think disinviting the friend was the right thing to do either. The OP should have stuck a smile on for the night as the invitation had already been given by her DH and she should have accepted this.

However some people seem to think that because the woman is single she should on no account be excluded from a social outing with 2 couples as if it is some form of discrimination and my point is that OP does not want her there and is entitled to say so without being accused of being a selfish smug married or 'singleist' smile Why should she ignore her concerns simply because this woman is single and needs a social life? I agree that she needs to tackle her DH about it as he is the one who is ignoring boundaries.

I would be very wary of a lonely single woman who calls for another woman's DH to come and comfort her and needs him to lean upon when she is feeling vulnerable and am surprised that some posters don't see the potential danger in that situation and are more concerned about her right to some social life confused

iamsoannoyed Wed 19-Mar-14 23:12:43

Northwitch

Fine- but it's not this woman who is at fault is it? She accepted an invite from a friend- hardly the crime of the century! I don't think it's at all obvious that she has deliberately set out to "get a free pass" or "muck up" the OPs social life nor attempt to make the OP "responsible for her social life"- she accepted an invitation. That is all she has done.

The person the OP should be annoyed at with is not her DH's friend- it's her DH she should be talking to. He's the one who cancelled arrangements with his wife, who has invited his friend out to the comedy club without "checking" with his wife etc. Did the friend even know he had re-arranged plans, or that his wife was not ok with this? Did the OP even discuss it with her DH? Or did she just silently seethe at her DH's friend?

If the OP seriously thinks they are having an affair, then she needs to speak to her DH about it rather than aiming her opprobrium at this woman, who has apparently done nothing more than rely on a good friend during a tough time.

I must remember in future that if I am invited to something by one of my male friends who also happens to be in a relationship, that I must first check whether it is ok with his partner directly, and then everyone else who has been invited. That way I can ensure that I am not in danger of "making his partner responsible for my social life", making others think I believe I am "entitled to a free pass" due to my loneliness, or am deliberately attempting to "muck up their social life". Prior to this, I had assumed that if invited to something, the person inviting me was at liberty to do so and I would be welcome. Clearly, I was wrong! hmm

I did not assume the other woman was lonely because she was single. OP gave that as the reason her DH was canceling their weekend plans - because the other woman was 'lonely'.

fromparistoberlin73 Wed 19-Mar-14 22:44:01

no I dont like the sound of this OP. that said know your enemy... this weekend OP is the LAST night if you dont feel comfortable about it. maybe grin and bear it, then think about how you can address . reason being if you say something, it might alert her...like I said, watch this one closely....

The OP's weekend plans were mucked up when DH preferred to comfort lonely other woman.

Other woman might not be responsible for OP's social life but that still does not change the fact that OP is not responsible for her's either and should not feel obliged to socialise with her.

Other woman does not know the other members of the social circle and so would not have been invited by them. It is not unusual to not want to mix old friends that have known each other for years and newer acquaintances - it changes the group dynamics.

OP's DH is forcing this woman into her life by changing her social plans and handing out invites without checking it was OK first. He is a married man and OP is his first responsibility and her concerns come before any other woman's. She is not happy about the situation and she may have good reason. OP is perfectly entitled to just go out with her DH if she wants.

I agree that disinviting the woman was a mistake but i think she feels threatened by this person and she may be quite justified in this.

Martorana Wed 19-Mar-14 22:42:36

But the OP's husband invited her! why are people going on as if the woman has done something wrong? He invited her. She said yes. All fine.

OP sent a hideous text uninviting her- not fine.

iamsoannoyed Wed 19-Mar-14 22:40:26

TheNorthWitch:

I agree the OP does not have to be concerned about this woman's social life, or lack thereof. She doesn't want to be friends, which is absolutely her right- but surely she can decline invites/friendly overtures without being rude or unkind?

This woman has not "ruined the OPs social plans"- she accepted an invite from a friend (the OPs husband). Which is an entirely reasonable thing to do. I doubt she thought that she would not be welcome- given that the invite was from a friend.

I wouldn't have thought the OPs DH said "well, my wife won't like it and neither will our friends, but why don't you come along to upset them all and ruin their night" so it's not like she would know she was stepping on OPs toes.

Conversely, this woman has no responsibility to OPs social life either- she was accepting an invite from her friend and not OP. She can only assume the person who invited her is at liberty to do so. And as much as OP doesn't have to give a fig about this woman or her feeling- surely this works both ways? This woman does not have any responsibility towards OP (especially as she probably didn't know OP held her in such contempt).

It's the OPs DH who was responsible for considering his DWs and other friends wishes regarding inviting others. It is not up anyone he invites to try and second guess what his wife/other guests may or may not feel about it all.

The OP, had she been acting like a considerate adult, would have been better bringing this up with her DH- and if she could not tolerate this woman being in her presence, asking her DH to explain it to his friend.

And if she thinks there is something untoward going on between them, she would be better off broaching this with him. As opposed to being rude and unkind to a friend of her DH, who may have done nothing wrong.

If there is nothing untoward between her DH and his friend, I think the OP would be very churlish and unreasonable to tell him who he could and could not be friends with. If there is something going on, she's be better off tackling it head on and deciding what to do about it.

SirRaymondClench Wed 19-Mar-14 22:37:47

Does this woman have no other friends other than OP's DH? hmm

springykyrie Wed 19-Mar-14 22:18:48

why should a single woman ... be allowed to muck up another woman's plans just because she feels lonely?

Who says she feels lonely? Your prejudice about single people? Why assume she is lonely because she is single?

Free pass ffs??? So, if a married couple are invited to a social event, are they also getting a free pass? If not, why not? Would a married couple 'muck up' a social event?

brdgrl Wed 19-Mar-14 22:11:29

why should a single woman get a free pass to social events where she is unwanted or be allowed to muck up another woman's plans just because she feels lonely? Especially when the OP has doubts about just how friendly she and her DH have been? OP's main concern should be her own relationship not the social life of a woman she doesn't seem to like very much

Ridiculous. The other woman is just as "not responsible" for OP's social life as you say OP is not responsible for her's! Muck up her social plans? The woman responded to an invite from a friend, as simple as that.

If another member of the social circle had been the one to invite the single friend, would OP have felt justified in sending a 'disinvite'? I agree that she should leave the single friend's social life alone - that's rather the point! - she didn't invite the lady, and she has no right to 'disinvite' her either. No one is forcing the OP to include the woman in her own life - but her efforts to exclude her from her DH's life are reprehensible. Maybe the OP should have stayed home - she is the one who has the issue here, not the other people going out! In fact, I think it would serve her right if the next time, they all made plans and left her out.

SirRaymondClench Wed 19-Mar-14 22:02:24

It's not about the social value of couples - why should a single woman get a free pass to social events where she is unwanted or be allowed to muck up another woman's plans just because she feels lonely? Especially when the OP has doubts about just how friendly she and her DH have been? OP's main concern should be her own relationship not the social life of a woman she doesn't seem to like very much - possibly with good reason.

^
this

I agree about the text and would not have sent it. OP's DH had already invited this woman and the best thing to do would have been to object to him with regard to future occasions but let it stand for this one time.

It's not about the social value of couples - why should a single woman get a free pass to social events where she is unwanted or be allowed to muck up another woman's plans just because she feels lonely? Especially when the OP has doubts about just how friendly she and her DH have been? OP's main concern should be her own relationship not the social life of a woman she doesn't seem to like very much - possibly with good reason.

springykyrie Wed 19-Mar-14 21:52:45

It looks to me that the woman has tried everything in her power to extend the remit of the friendship with OP's husband by actively trying to include OP in her social circle. Perhaps to show good will, to send the message that she is mindful of the balance of the relationships. But OP isn't interested and has made that very clear.

I agree that this scenario is not ideal ie the woman going through a bad time, OP's H being the one to support her. With the best of intentions, that set-up can easily go wrong particularly as her friend's wife has been so horrible to her

Funny how a hard time for someone married is a 'having a hard time', but someone single going through a hard time is automatically 'lonely'. If a married friend is going through a hard time and calls on us, within the bounds of friendship, for support, it's called 'supporting a friend who is going through a hard time' - but if a single friend is going through a hard time and calls on us for support, it's called 'supporting a friend who is lonely'.

Martorana Wed 19-Mar-14 21:42:01

"she has replied btw, she said she understands and think she needs to get some single friends with a smiley face. so I think she gets it now :-)"

I think this is one of the saddest things I have read on Mumsnet recently.

carlywurly Wed 19-Mar-14 21:34:26

The thing is, I expect sending a mean text like that will have played right into her hands if she did happen to have an agenda. She and your dh can bond about how she's been wronged. Because you were both rude and unkind, IMO.

I hate the concept that people might have increased social value as a couple. Bloody glad my friends didn't isolate me when I split from xh.

brdgrl Wed 19-Mar-14 21:27:45

it is not the responsibility of the OP to be concerned about the social life of this woman - if OP feels unhappy about her being invited out when she would prefer to be with DH and friends that she knows well she is quite entitled to object.

Then she should be objecting to her DH. Actually texting and un-inviting a person - a person someone else has invited in the first place - is beyond rude. Whatever OP thinks about what her DH did in the first place, she has taken her dissatisfaction with his actions out on someone else and been really nasty about it.

Whether she has any reason to be dissatisfied with her husband is issue A. Treating this other woman (note the lower case letters, please) like shit is issue B.

I should point out that I mentioned single women because it is the right of a single woman to have a social life and not be excluded from the coupled up world that is being debated here. I am well aware that marrieds cheat - but that is no reason to have no suspicions at all about a single woman who wants to borrow your DH because she feels lonely or who is being included in your social life without your agreement.

As someone further up thread said it is not the responsibility of the OP to be concerned about the social life of this woman - if OP feels unhappy about her being invited out when she would prefer to be with DH and friends that she knows well she is quite entitled to object. Her DH's first responsibility is to her not comforting lonely women and he should have checked if OP was happy for his friend to be invited to a prearranged night out.

iamsoannoyed Wed 19-Mar-14 20:47:45

The OP is entitled to be wary, if she feels something untoward is going on between her DH and this woman. It could be that there is something between them, or that this woman is "after" her DH.

Or it could be that they are good friends and her DH is trying to be supportive of her as his friend- given that they've been friends for a while, it wouldn't be unheard of. Men and women can be "just friends"- not all single women are just hanging round waiting to jump on married men.

But if OP is so convinced something is/has gone on between her DH and his friend then why hasn't she tackled him about it, instead of being unpleasant to this woman? I think it's because it's easier to blame this woman and be rude to her, than to tackle the real problem- her lack of trust in her DH.

I think it's highly unlikely that a married woman would be asking OP's DH to come over because she feels lonely and if she did eyebrows would be raised - so why the refusal to accept that a single newly separated and possibly vulnerable woman who has been so understanding of a DH and his problems might be a threat and that the OP is quite right to be wary?

hakunamatata8 Wed 19-Mar-14 19:28:51

Im single and have been for a while, what is the big deal in the OP wanting to have some alone time with her husband. The majority of my friends are either married or with someone, and I spend time with them. However why tag along on a cinema date. Three is definitely a crowd

sarahquilt Wed 19-Mar-14 19:28:04

I think you're nuts to say anything nicely. I'd put my foot down immediately and completely freeze her out.

brdgrl Wed 19-Mar-14 18:31:56

brdgrl what if you suspected your DH had had some kind of intimate history with this friend who was widowed? Would you be cool with him cancelling plans with you then?
I would not stay with someone I "suspected" had a secret relationship but could not discuss it with.

But on the other hand, if my DH cancelled a trip to the cinema to see his ex-GF (with whom he lived for ten years and owned a house), because she needed him - yes, I'd be cool with it. She's lovely, and my DH is lovely. They're good for each other.

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