To not want her to come?

(177 Posts)
HeyMaybeBaby Mon 17-Mar-14 22:18:32

I am married been with hubby over 20 years. He has a female friend he met in work about 7 years ago. We have had a few problems over the years he has always found her a good friend. The friendship has been purely platonic I think. We met up a couple times with her and her husband and we visited her when they had a baby but otherwise I didn't really know her.

Her and her husband split up last year and we started meeting up for coffees and nails and got friendlier though I wouldn't say she was a close friend. She got back with him but they split up again recently.
Last weekend oh was supposed to take me to cinema but then said he was meeting up with her as she was 'lonely'

This weekend we had arranged ages ago to meet up with some old friends of ours (a couple). My hubby invited her and she wants to come! I don't want her too - it's a couples night, she doesn't know our friends and I was looking forward to catching up with them and also want my husband to myself please! Do you think I am unreasonable if I say (nicely) that she can't come?

CoffeeTea103 Mon 17-Mar-14 22:58:59

Sorry him canceling on you to keep her company is totally inappropriate. It was also very disrespectful for your DH to invite her along without even letting you know.
Perhaps he sees yourll going for coffee, doing your nails , etc as yourll being good friends and that's why he thinks nothing of it. But then again if yourll are good friends why would she not ask you to come along too to keep her company?
Something's up here.

HeyMaybeBaby Mon 17-Mar-14 22:59:49

I was peed off he cancelled the cinema plans, I have changed our plans at short notice but only for my mum or sister I wouldn't do it for friends. I'm not sure who I am annoyed with really him or her!

SinglePringle Mon 17-Mar-14 23:02:27

CooCoo, really? You would find it awkward to have a single person at a meal with two other couples? Why? I genuinely don't understand this attitude. Friends are friends, surely? No matter their marital status?

I get the dropping of the OP for the female friend is totally out of order but inviting someone along on a night out? Not a problem.

mymiraclebubba Mon 17-Mar-14 23:04:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable, in fact I think you are being too reasonable about it all!!

Yes he can have female friends and there is nothing wrong with that at all, but cancelling plans and inviting her on nights out with people she doesn't know without asking all parties involved in over stepping the mark a lot!

You don't sound jealous at all, I actually think you sound very understanding of this lady's situation which is refreshing tbh!!!

I would have a word with him and suggest that another night might be better, maybe invite her offer for a meal or something?

HeyMaybeBaby Mon 17-Mar-14 23:09:19

Would I have to offer her a different meet up? I'm not sure when would be good for us tbh. I was thinking of saying something like...

'I hope you don't take this the wrong way but we had arranged that night ages ago and it's a couples thing really, plus it's a date night for me and hubby. "

Or is that too harsh?

brdgrl Mon 17-Mar-14 23:12:42

I don't think it is a terrible thing for your DH to have a female friend, or to spend time with her alone.

But if you are having doubts about it, I think in your shoes I would want to see how they acted together so I would actually want her to come along.

It is also possible that she is aware you might not like her friendship with your DH and is trying to signal to you that you have nothing to worry about!

ukatlast Mon 17-Mar-14 23:19:37

YANBU but on these threads I am always the lone voice saying it is better not to tempt fate when married lol.

When I was single, 'couples' things and jealous partners were the bane of my life. Him cancelling your night in favour of her is not on but the rest is fine. A comedy club? The more the merrier.

AlansLeftMoob Mon 17-Mar-14 23:25:26

"he was telling her what we were up to on the weekend and thought that she may like to go"

I think you need to tell him to leave his little friend where she is, tbh. He had no place inviting a single person, male or female, on a couples night. Or cancelling plans with his wife to go out with his "lonely" friend. She's lonely? Tough tits. I'm sure she has lots of girlfriends to hang out with.

UncleT Mon 17-Mar-14 23:27:52

YANBU to not want her to come, but she's been invited by your husband and it might be pretty rude to uninvite her at this stage. I'm concerned about the fact that you don't seem too sure about their relationship in the past though.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 17-Mar-14 23:35:48

Nice of him to not want a friend to be stuck in and lonely. But she shouldn't waste a babysitter on a night with two couples reminiscing one of whom she doesn't even know. If you are seeing old friends you've not seen in ages why drag along a fifth person. Tell her and him you'll fix up another night out all together but for now he owes you a night out since it's slipped his mind to take you to the cinema.

That's not you being selfish btw that's you saying hey if I'm good enough to wash socks and buy presents for MIL I am good enough to enjoy an evening out with him.

Anyway if H is adamant she should come too why not agree and say yes the more the merrier let's see who else is free.

SinglePringle Mon 17-Mar-14 23:36:27

it's a couples thing really. Urgh.

Your smugness would ensure you never saw me again.

So. Job done as far as your concerned I guess.

But still no one is able to say what happens at these 'couple evenings' that make the inclusion of a single person so problematic. And at a comedy club too!

The audacity of her.

maggiemight Mon 17-Mar-14 23:44:52

If I was single I wouldn't want to go out with two couples unless one or two were rreeeeaaaly old friends. Couples chat in a couples way ime, banter between the wives about Hs behavior and vice versa, or the DCs, or planned holidays (as a couple) etc a single person would change the dynamic.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 17-Mar-14 23:47:04

Just tell her it's a "couples thing" and she won't want to come.

If I ever turn into a smug married I'll be very disappointed in myself.

Couples night/date night. What even are these things? Going out with friends/going out with DH?

She's recently single with a young child. I doubt shagging your husband is at the forefront of her mind.

P.s - not everybody finds your husband as gorgeous as you do. True fact. Unless you're Angelina Jolie.

MamaPingu Mon 17-Mar-14 23:54:33

I think some people are being a little harsh!

A "couples night" isn't anything sacred and a secret kept from us single people. Just like it was said in a post before couples do interact differently than a group of single people. Plus these two couples may get on very well and even adding an extra couple to the group who one couple knows could dampen the mood.

Recently becoming single doesn't mean she's not after a shag, although I'm not implying she is. I'm sure there's people with young children shagging other people before even ending the relationship they're in! So that is irrelevant I think

SinglePringle Mon 17-Mar-14 23:54:59

Jesus. Conversations / banter about husbands?! And that's it? You have no other conversational abilities when out with couples?

This thread makes me realise just how freakin' amazing my friends - single, couples, gay, whatever - really are. I have never not been invited, nor not invited someone, to an event based on their marital status.

MamaPingu Mon 17-Mar-14 23:56:07

I'm not sure OP was being smug in mentioning it was a couples thing, to me that just sounds like the only excuse to try get this woman to come out with them a different time

MamaPingu Mon 17-Mar-14 23:58:59

Single Pringle I think they were just examples. There will be plenty of other things couples talk about depending on how they know eachother, their interests etc.

I don't understand why other single people are getting so wound up over these "couples" nights. I don't think it's always intentional, there seriously is a way couples get on. It doesn't mean single people should be left out! But I think two couples and one single person is a bit of an awkward mix both for the single person and the couple who don't know her

SinglePringle Tue 18-Mar-14 00:04:36

I totally disagree with you. In my aged experience the couples I know do not behave differently if there are only couples present.

We all, in my circle, interact as friends and individuals and have no issue with any permeation of couples / singles out for the evening. Or in for the evening at someone's house.

UncleT Tue 18-Mar-14 00:23:03

I still can't understand why being uninvited, having already been invited, isn't viewed as a problem. Personally I'd find that quite rude if I were her. Cancellation - fine. But, that thing we invited you to, you won't want to come as it's couples - how might that make you feel if you weren't having a great time recently too?

NurseyWursey Tue 18-Mar-14 00:25:34

HATE the word 'hubby' angry

I think it would be incredibly rude to uninvite her. What's so sacred about 'couples nights'? Surely like I said before this is the best situation for you to get to know her in, whilst your friends are there and in a good environment.

thunderstrom Tue 18-Mar-14 00:35:00

The couples thing is perhaps a red herring? You don't want her to come, full stop, and frankly I don't blame you under the circumstances.

Him cancelling to spend time with her because she is lonely is very odd. And that you only think their relationship is platonic is a worry.

Speak to your husband. I think a bit of space and detachment from her might be helpful.

I think I would probably just put up with it this time but make it clear to DH that you are NOT happy with him inviting her to things/ changing plans without first discussing them with you

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 18-Mar-14 05:18:09

HWBU to ditch you for her. Although I think you would also be U to ditch him for your mum/sister unless it's an emergency.

HWBU to invite extras to a planned night out without consultation. The fact that she's single and the others are a couple is irrelevant.

YWBU to say she can't come because it's couples or because it's a date night. Her presence is not incompatible with the night you have planned. I think it would be mean to uninvited her but DH should sort this out.

nooka Tue 18-Mar-14 05:20:28

Has your dh asked the friends you are meeting up with if it's OK to bring another person? I'm not sure I'd be entirely happy about that. Not because of the 'couple' status, but because I'd be looking forward to seeing my friends, reminiscing, enjoying the vibe of an established relationship and having a stranger there would probably change the dynamics significantly.

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