I probably ABU but I'm tired and stressed and don't know how to handle this...

(28 Posts)

Me and my DH have had a very stressful time the last 6 months, marriage problems, losing my Mum, mental health issues, lots of other things I don't really have the energy to go into now, but it's ben hard.

We've been trying really hard to support each other, get our relationship back on track, deal with a demanding 3 year old (who is obviously picking up on the stress and strain).

That's a bit of background anyway.

Basically a friend of ours is in hospital. She's very poorly, she really is. She's quite a new friend but she's been through a really tough time and they don't know what's wrong with her. It was a suspected stroke (she's only 26 with two young children), but now they have no clue what's wrong. She's having a lot of seizures and is very distressed (understandably so). We've all been trying our best to help and support, going to visit, looking after her children for a few hours so her Mum can have a break, chatting to her on the phone and on Facebook. DH is closer to her than I am (he met her first) and I really don't want anyone to think that's the reason I'm stressing but I really worry that he's taking on too much.

I feel like such a selfish, heartless bitch for saying this, but a lot is getting put on him and we have a hell of a lot of our own shit to deal with. I have no problem visiting and helping (I'm taking a load of beauty products to give her a good pampering session tomorrow to try and help her feel better and get a bit of circulation back in her hands and feet). I looked after 5 children on my own yesterday so people could visit etc. That wouldn't usually be an issue at all apart from the fact I'm very tired (two hours sleep this whole weekend - stress causes insomnia for me) so it is damn hard work when you're only used to one child. DH has been with her most of the weekend as no one could get to see her and she was really upset and scared being on her own. He's back down there again today, probably for the day as no-one else is going and he'd to leave her on her own. I admire his desire to want to help people, I really do, he even sustained two black eyes for his efforts yesterday when she had a violent seizure.

I care a hell of a lot about this girl and offered to have the children without a second though but another of our friends who couldn't get to see her promised her on the phone my DH would go and see her for the day without even asking us first because she was upset...DH being DH felt he couldn't let her down.

He's had a lot of issues with stress recently and he hates to say no to people, especially when they need help. He had a nervous breakdown last year because he was taking on too much other people's stress and I worry it'll happen again. He's obviously very upset seeing our friend like this, I am as well, it's awful. I lost my Mum just before Christmas and this is the first I've been back to the hospital since...she's on a lot of the same drugs (morphine etc) so it's like looking at my Mum all over again. I'll suck it up because she's my friend and obviously she's got it far worse, but internalising stress doesn't really help in the long term and it's exacerbating my insomnia.

I don't know how to deal with this without being thought of as a totally selfish cunt. She doesn't have many people and we really want her to know she's got a good support network as she feels very alone and she's worried about her children (6 and 3).

Oh god, I don't know what to do. Sorry for long rambling rant, I'm very upset and tired and want to try and make things as good as they can be for everyone involved.

Just wanted to update for the person who asked from a medical point of view.

I knew she was on a list for open heart surgery before this happened. It seems the hole in her heart is interfering with blood getting to her brain. The headaches and seizures she's getting are related to that apparently.

She has the pain team with her at the moment who are trying to get the head pain and seizures under control.

Just spoken to DH again and he expressed concern off his own back that she was becoming a bit dependant on him so he's taking a step back for a few days.

Fair enough of she has long standing health problems, it didn't make sense that she had just presented with seizures and they couldn't stop them.
Still not your husbands place to be there all the time, you are his priority.

I know, he said that earlier himself. He's pissed off that none of her other "friends" or relatives apart from her Mum (who works and is caring for children) have bothered going to see her. It's hard when she's phoning up in tears (not just him and me, our other friend too) when no-one's there threatening to discharge herself or hurt herself.

I'd say be tougher on her, but knowing what my Mum went through with brain mets and morphine I know how irrational it can make you.

I'm not trying to justify anything, I've spoken to DH and he is in total agreement with me, he's just had to take the slack the last few days as no-one else could get up there and it's getting on top of him as well as me.

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