To ask what would be more important to you:

(55 Posts)
BigRedBall Mon 17-Mar-14 10:05:04

Giving your children nice home cooked food, fruit and vegetables they can eat from the bowl whenever they want, nice clothes and shoes and nice uniform (meaning at least 2-3 dresses/trousers and tights, socks etc for the week) all year around. Occasional holidays and days out.

OR

Taking them on holiday every school break, taking them out of school for days out so they have happy memories of going on holidays as children.

I mean what would you spend your money on if you had it? Only one or the other.

RedFocus Mon 17-Mar-14 12:20:16

Option 1 clearly.

BigRedBall Mon 17-Mar-14 12:00:08

I've known them for well over a year now so am not basing this on assumptions. For example, I've only ever had nuggets and fries or a sandwich and crisps to eat at her house. Her children were wearing spongey croc type clogs during the winter. The ones they'd been bought for their September holiday.

She tells me she saves up all her money for holidays. She has a car and a £30 a month phone contract. It's obvious to me how she's saving up for the holidays.

I don't want to make this into a benefit bashing thread, but she's also mentioned to me she'd like another baby soon so she won't have to work. I'm torn between feeling quite annoyed with her and feeling sorry for her at the same time.

redskyatnight Mon 17-Mar-14 11:20:48

So the children have no proper food and no proper clothes? I don't think you can deduce this from one conversation - sorry. My DC don't have fruit for break ever (DD) or rarely (DS) -their choice, we always have fruit they can take. There are also occasions when I can't persuade them to eat breakfast. And DS will eat everything you put in front of him regardless of whether he had a huge meal not long ago.

Can you have a general conversation with your friend rather than assuming the worst?

LiberalLibertine Mon 17-Mar-14 11:10:30

If that all you're basing this on? My ds is always saying he's hungry! And would eat at someone else's house even if he's just had a big meal.

I think you may be jumping the gun.

DeWe Mon 17-Mar-14 11:08:16

I wonder whether the dm didn't have holidays as a child and really felt she missed out.

I know things I felt I missed out on, I'm inclined to put a priority (although not to silly extents) on.

Is the food thing possibly just she doesn't have an idea how much is a reasonable portion though? If she asks for food she thinks they're being greedy? Or maybe buying things that are nice but doesn't fill them up? Maybe a couple of comments of how much the children eat "don't know where they put it" might help.

And actually my dc like to have time at home when they're not doing anything in the holidays. I think they'd start to complain if we went away every holiday.

whineaholic Mon 17-Mar-14 10:57:27

In this house we eat good food, we don't buy into any designer nonsense nor do we give a fig how someone looks but we lay store on experiences, books, travel, hobbies and activities.

arethereanyleftatall Mon 17-Mar-14 10:53:33

Sorry, didn't rft

arethereanyleftatall Mon 17-Mar-14 10:50:08

Question is silly. Surely it's a given you feed and clothes your kids? healthy food cheaper than junk anyway .

BigRedBall Mon 17-Mar-14 10:44:34

Poughle. She's always talking about "saving up" for holidays. Her children are always hungry. I took her dd to school last week and in the morning she told me she was hungry, had been given nothing for breakfast and no fruit for break. They eat loads when they come around like they're ravenous and end up eating dd's fruit and snacks when we go out together. This is the only way I can think she "saves up" by under providing food.

Birdsgottafly I've tried subtly helping her, like mentioning good food and helping her design a costume for her dd for dress up day at school (she wasn't going to send her in with a costume and I felt sad for the girl). But she thinks holidays will build memories.

I often think that by most people, the effects of being in an abusive relationship isn't recognised.

A period of recovery is needed and if the abuse has been going on for a while and is extensive, it will take time.

It's taken me a year to realise I'm free and question the choices that I was still making.

"It's someone I know but she's come out of an abusive relationship,"

I would hope that the school would pick up on the children not having fitting shoes etc. it is neglect.

However, I have taken time to recover from coming out of a EA relationship, so I would suggest that she is in recovery and hopefully should settle down.

Stop judging and give constructive advice.

Poughle Mon 17-Mar-14 10:37:17

Xpost.

I still think she may not be thinking of it in terms of a clear cut choice though. Is she really saving enough money for holidays by deliberately cutting corners on food and clothing??

Magix Mon 17-Mar-14 10:36:57

Option one . I already choose these things over holidays

diamondlizard Mon 17-Mar-14 10:35:44

surely it could inbetween

HolidayCriminal Mon 17-Mar-14 10:35:40

I think OP is trying to be open-minded to the other person's parenting, which is fair enough. It's the sort of thing that's so shocking that you can't understand how they sanely think that way and then you question your own sanity because Why TF can they think that way when they might otherwise seem like reasonable people. Somebody is nutty here. sad

Poughle Mon 17-Mar-14 10:35:08

BigRedBall what do you mean when you say you've observed it? I have a hard time believing that anyone's making a conscious choice for #2. I would think that if someone's not providing nutritious meals it's because that's not a high priority or they're just not clued into that sort of thing.

BigRedBall Mon 17-Mar-14 10:34:42

RiverTam, that's right. It's someone I know but she's come out of an abusive relationship, is on benefits and thinks this is how she will build happy memories for her children. I feel sorry for her but can't help but judge her for this.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 17-Mar-14 10:32:54

1. Because that's basic parenting. Holidays are a treat. And you don't have to have several holidays a year to create lovely memories.

BigRedBall Mon 17-Mar-14 10:32:04

I think if you can afford holidays every 3 months then you should be able to afford to feed your children appropriately and clothe them too, and if you can't, then you have your priorities mixed up.

RiverTam Mon 17-Mar-14 10:30:27

are you saying you know someone who takes their DC on lots of holidays, but they don't have enough to eat and clothes to wear? That's pretty skewed. You don't have to spend masses on clothes, but they do need clothes suitable for the weather and preferably not falling apart, and they need good, proper meals. Holidays are great but at that expense? No way. Surely there's a middle way?

HolidayCriminal Mon 17-Mar-14 10:29:44

That's sad, BRB.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 17-Mar-14 10:28:50

The first, as good food is essential for health and looking presentable in decent clothes is too.
This needn't be expensive though, uniform can be bought quite cheaply.

ikeaismylocal Mon 17-Mar-14 10:27:27

I find it cheaper to make good quality home cooked food than feeding ds crap. A constant supply of fruit is a must in my opinion. We buy mostly second hand clothes and dc2 regardless of gender will wear the same clothes as dc1.

I think a mixture of both options is important. I'd hate towaste money buying smart clothes to impress other people, but I think comfy, clean, weather appropriate clothing is important. Holidays/days out are important, but it's not necessary to be jetting off on holiday every couple of months.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Mon 17-Mar-14 10:26:28

No.1. We do have a holiday every year and days out but I hope my children have happy memories of just being at home too. Obviously if I had loads of money I would quite happily have another couple of holidays a year though wink

thegreylady Mon 17-Mar-14 10:26:11

Mainly 1 with an occasional smattering of 2 smile

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