to not understand - marriage proposals / taking husbands name.

(94 Posts)
CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:32:14

I've been trying to get my head around this for a while - why do some women expect a huge romantic traditional proposal and yet are mortally offended at the tradition of taking their husbands name?

Is it hypercritical to pick and choose which traditions to follow or is it perfectly reasonable?

No big proposal here, we had talked about marriage and I asked him on leap day without any fuss and I did take his name.

spindlyspindler Sun 16-Mar-14 09:16:14

I don't see why a woman shouldn't want what she considers to be a heartfelt proposal that is a declaration of love yet not want to change the name she was born with. We all pick and choose between traditions! Are we all still supposed to go down the aisle with our hymens intact too, and let our parents inspect the sheet in the morning?

maillotjaune Sun 16-Mar-14 09:18:51

I don't know anyone who has been mortally offended by that - but then most people I know have changed their name.

I did, mainly because I felt the ease of having the sake name as the rest of my family outweighed and feminist objections I considered. I am also unbothered by titles - I have used Ms and Mrs depending on mood bit would prefer to just use my first name anyway.

BrownSauceSandwich Sun 16-Mar-14 09:32:38

I agree that there's a problem with titles. I don't see why women should have to declare their marital status while men don't. Actually, I don't really see why anyone should have to declare their gender to their banks/supermarkets/hairdressers/prospective employers.

My title is Dr. When that's not an option on forms, I use Ms.

BlueFrenchHorn Sun 16-Mar-14 09:32:53

I don't understand the fuss either way to be honest. I've met many women largely those I've worked with who were extremely against women taking their husbands name. Imo I don't see whu it should be anyone's business or indeed mean anything.

I'm Mrs DhSurname. My maiden name I've kept as my middle name as I never had one.

I have a degree and a career and my own finances so to me, changing my surname didn't mean I'm not my own person anymore. This is just the combination of names I like and I like that dc dh and I all share one name.

I'm not bothered what other people chose for themselves though and I don't think you lose an identity by changing or adding names.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 09:35:31

I dont think it think it matters either as it doesnt mean anything.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 09:37:10

I had a very romantic, big proposal involving candles, a fairy ring in a rented garden, rings, friends, even a videographer (I know). But that was DH's choice to do that, I certainly didn't ask for it and I was MEGA shocked. Didn't expect it at all.
I didn't take his name because I don't see the point.
I don't know why the two things are linked, tbh.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 16-Mar-14 09:39:02

Why didn't you just ask him any time? And why did you take his name?
Name changing is a sexist tradition. Tbh I've never known someone who is against name changing ask for a big proposal. I assume they would think both traditions were sexist.
We agreed to get married together and chose an engagement ring each. I will not change my name when we marry.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 09:39:28

Oh, and my pre-marriage name was not my father's, FYI. hmm

itsbetterthanabox Sun 16-Mar-14 09:43:03

I am Ms now and will be Ms when I marry. Ms is equivalent to Mr, it doesn't indicate marital status.
I think we should get rid of Miss and Mrs. Ms covers it.

Ludways Sun 16-Mar-14 09:44:05

I didn't get a romantic proposal, just a casual chat one night, I had the big wedding thing, purely for my lovely nanna who wanted a day out, lol, I then took his name so we could all share the same name as I had ds already and I'm a Mrs.

My name doesn't define who I am, I'm me, I'd still be me no matter what my title or surname was.

Really couldn't careless what anyone else does, I respect their own choices.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 09:47:51

I wouldbt be a ms I dont like the word. Other than on letters when in rl does anyone call anyone mr, mrs or miss? I very rarely here it in modern day society.

StrawberryCheese Sun 16-Mar-14 09:52:03

I changed my name because I didn't want to be associated with my maiden name anymore (father issues). I would also like to have the same name as any future children. I didn't have the big romantic proposal, that's not our style.

I don't see a problem with picking and choosing traditions. Traditions develop through the generations any way, they didn't all become 'the done thing' at the same time. For example, it's more common these days for a man to wear a wedding ring. That wasn't always the case and some men still choose not to. That's fine, it's about choice.

If everybody followed every tradition we would all be virgin brides and daddy would pay for the wedding in full.

HadABadDay2014 Sun 16-Mar-14 09:55:17

I didn't have a big romantic proposal, however there was no way I was having DH surname for our DC nor for myself.

Ds was born, we picked a surname for him later DH changed his surname, then DD was born and getting married was to complete my little family and I then changed my name.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 10:37:41

Is that fyi hmm for me?

I dont give a shit if you didnt take your dads name. I was making a general point not talking to you or thinking of you at all.

Fact is that generally in this country women tend to have their fathers name at birth and change it to their husbands if they marry.

Or they may have their mums maiden name . Which tends to be HER fathers name. So they might have their grandads name instead of their dads.

Or maybe their mum kept her name which was her mums name which she took from her mum but lets be honest. Track it back and their name defaults to a male line in probably 99.99% of cases.

Or maybe someone has picked a name out of thin airand called themselves that. Fair enough.

But that takes nothing away from the general truth that generally speaking it us generally true that in general women generally have a male line traceable name.

Its not really something to get offended about if in one particular person that happens to not be the case.

Trinpy Sun 16-Mar-14 10:40:51

But everyone picks and chooses which traditions to follow, even you op.

Why care about what choices other people make when they don't effect anyone else? I asked not to have a proposal and I chose to keep my surname, but I really don't care whether other women choose to do or not do these things - as long as they are choosing freely.

The only thing I find hard to understand is women who don't take their dh's name but give their dc his name. It is up to them, but I find it hard to understand iyswim.

Chunderella Sun 16-Mar-14 11:56:15

Ah yes, the old 'woman's name as father's name' shit again. People who insist on making this argument really need to explain why exactly they consider the woman's father's name to be his own, rather than his father's. After all, he presumably got it in the same way the woman did- from his father. So why exactly is a man's name his own, but a woman's name her father's?

Paxtecum I'm Ms Myname, as I was before marriage. No change. Low key proposal, as neither of us is the big romantic gestures type.

The 'traditions' aren't intrinsically linked, though. If they were, you might have a point.

Big, romantic proposals (for ordinary people) postdate taking the man's name by centuries, as far as I can understand it. It's not a package deal where if you want the one, you have to do the other.

It's nice to make your own decisions about what you want to do - if some of that's following tradition and some isn't, fine.

chun - YY, exactly. Besides which, as a newborn baby, no-one has much social identity, do they, except as 'baby of John and Jane'. OTOH a person old enough to get married has a social identity tied to their second name - which, increasingly, may well be their mother's name anyway.

squoosh Sun 16-Mar-14 12:11:27

There's always some moron trotting out the 'it's only your father's name anyway' line.

Chunderella Sun 16-Mar-14 12:12:50

Yes LRD it's so utterly illogical to describe a woman's birth surname as her father's, but not a man's. Double standards. Either we describe all the bearers of a surname that they weren't the original holder of as having their own name, or none of them.

YY, exactly.

MaidOfStars Sun 16-Mar-14 16:14:45

Agree with those who've highlighted that the two 'traditions' aren't intrinsically linked. Wanting a big proposal goes beyond tradition into the feeding of a psychological need to be asked and to compare favourably with others. Changing your surname has none of those compounding factors.

For the record, I did not receive anything approaching a proposal (our marriage was a joint decision that we discussed together), nor did I take his surname.

perplexedpirate Sun 16-Mar-14 16:35:22

Wow, ISee, defensive much?
How about not making sweeping generalisations if you don't want to get called on it?

Delphiniumsblue Sun 16-Mar-14 16:42:32

Why do you need to understand it? Everyone is different.

DoJo Sun 16-Mar-14 16:43:26

Why not ask the women you work with? It's by far not a common thing amongst any of the women I know, so I can't presume to answer, but I am not sure what could possibly be considered hypocritical about observing the traditions you like and ignoring those you don't. Why would that be a problem?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 18:27:26

not defensive. Momentarily pissed off with silly humpty face and daft 'fyi' crap over a lighthearted comment that was a nod to previous conversations we've had on mn on this topic over the years, that's all.

And I am not a moron. If you think I am factually inaccurate about the history and traditions of naming in this society then by all means say so. But I take issue with the use of the word moron.

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