to not understand - marriage proposals / taking husbands name.

(94 Posts)
CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:32:14

I've been trying to get my head around this for a while - why do some women expect a huge romantic traditional proposal and yet are mortally offended at the tradition of taking their husbands name?

Is it hypercritical to pick and choose which traditions to follow or is it perfectly reasonable?

No big proposal here, we had talked about marriage and I asked him on leap day without any fuss and I did take his name.

VodkaRevelation Sun 16-Mar-14 08:35:32

But you waited for a leap day to ask him?

I disagree, I think it's fine, sensible even, to examine the practices of the past and decide which are worth keeping and which are detrimental and should be done away with. How else does society move on?

JockTamsonsBairns Sun 16-Mar-14 08:41:49

I have never met anyone like that confused.

I didn't "take dh's name", but I didn't get mortally offended by the suggestion. Some women want to, others don't.
Also, I didn't get any big romantic proposal either. We just talked about it over time and agreed that it was what we wanted.

CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:44:49

Did I say I waited for leap day to propose? We had been talking about getting married on the Saturday on the next day which was leap day I just turned and said "are you going to marry me" no fuss, no planning and all a bit tongue in cheek.

RedFocus Sun 16-Mar-14 08:47:09

Freedom of choice??
My dh proposed with a ring in front of a parked fighter jet plane - not in the least bit romantic for me or him as his job is fixing them! Was bloody funny though.
We got married at Gretna Green on valentines day - very romantic as we eloped but also practical because it was cheap.
Both my husband and I changed our surnames to my mothers maiden name because it is such a cool surname!
I think everyone should be able to pick and choose what they want otherwise life would be boring and so would weddings! wink

Yama Sun 16-Mar-14 08:47:12

I don't know if being apprehensive about proposing to a man is 'traditional'. Rather, society doesn't really approve and remember society is the parent to us all.

Personally, I'd like people to feel confident in being allowed to propose regardless of gender. And I'd like people to keep their own names.

Doublemuvver Sun 16-Mar-14 08:47:48

My Dh name is much more exotic than my clunky "maiden" name ( I dislike that term) and was glad to ditch it. And there was no romantic proposal.

CwtchesAndCuddles Sun 16-Mar-14 08:48:23

I work with two women who both expected their long term live in partners to do big gesture proposals, one is getting married soon and is having a major strop with her husband to be because he suggested she change her name....................

BrownSauceSandwich Sun 16-Mar-14 08:54:29

What women are these? hmm

I reckon 2/3 of my female friends took their husbands name when they married. I don't know that any of them expected a "big romantic proposal". Some of them might have quite enjoyed the fuss if they got it, in the same way people like a birthday cake with candles and singing, now and then.

I kept my own name when I married. Not mortally offended about anything, but I didn't, for a moment, consider changing it. Didn't do any sort of proposal, really. We discussed marriage, decided it was a good idea, and agreed it like equals.

Back2Two Sun 16-Mar-14 08:55:41

I didn't want to keep my name.
I don't like the implication (made generally in society) that women are coerced/forced/expected into taking the man's name and that it has negative implications and is always a nod to the patriarchy.

Again, it's about freedom of choice for all. I wanted to change my name, I embraced my new family name and I moved forward into a new era of my life.

I don't regret it ever.

We talked about marriage, there was no big drama over proposal and a tiny wedding.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 08:56:17

I had the romantic proposal and took dhs name. I dont know anyone that hasnt took their dhs name. If anything a lot less people get married now so they just dont marry instead.

Objection Sun 16-Mar-14 08:56:28

I don't want to take OHs name because I prefer my name - it'll sound really cool when I get my doctorate.

I don't really know anyone who is "mortally offended" at the thought of taking the man's name. It's a preference

I have no idea of how most of my friend's husbands proposed (if indeed they did), I don't recall ever having a conversation with any woman who deemed it important. Lots of women I know have kept their own names too, again though, never heard anyone being mortally offended about whether to or not.

Doublemuvver Sun 16-Mar-14 09:04:18

objection is your surname Who?

paxtecum Sun 16-Mar-14 09:06:05

I'm interested in what title women have: Miss, Mrs or Ms.

Did you keep your own name and become Mrs or Ms or stay Miss?

I think the title is a bigger issue than the name.

All men are Mr (unless they are Dr or Prof etc).
Women are Miss, Mrs & Ms.

I think there should be only one title for women.

eurochick Sun 16-Mar-14 09:07:23

I've never heard of any woman taking the position you describe in your OP.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 09:07:29

Im not any title really Im just my first name.

Yama Sun 16-Mar-14 09:07:30

I am Ms Me.

Our dd is also Ms Me (where there is the option).

meditrina Sun 16-Mar-14 09:10:29

"mortally offended"

Is that really true, or is this projection/hyperbole?

I don't think it's difficult to understand a simple concept such as 'people have different views in different issues' or 'not everyone will link these two separate issues as I want to'

paxtecum Sun 16-Mar-14 09:10:29

George: when ordering on line or in a shop quite often a title asked for before proceeding onto the next bit of the form.

Joysmum Sun 16-Mar-14 09:10:32

I couldn't give a shit what happens with other people. I proposed, wasn't the grand gesture I'd envisaged it would be, and I took my husbands name.

I don't feel the need to justify my choices and I don't feel the need to consider, let alone belittle the choices of others as it's none of my business and doesn't affect me confused

WooWooOwl Sun 16-Mar-14 09:11:49

Each to their own, but it haven't met anyone with that attitude.

I wanted a nice proposal and to be Mrs Husbands Surname. I think lots of women want the big proposal because they want to feel like their partner really does want to marry them and isn't just doing it because they think they are at the right stage in life or because of pressure from them.

Whether or not women want to change their surname is an entirely separate issue and it's a choice they make based on other factors.

I can't see the issue about wanting a big proposal and to keep a maiden name. The two things aren't connected.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 16-Mar-14 09:15:43

Romance and changing your name are in no way related.

Never ever buy me flowers or whisk me away to paris cos i dont want to take your name, you bastard.

Someone can want to keep their (father's but let's not go there wink ) name but still appreciate romantic hearts and flowers shit.

georgesdino Sun 16-Mar-14 09:16:13

I just do whatever and am all sorts on all different. I think it comes from everyone assuming I was a miss for years. Nobody has ever called me Mrs that I can think of as on phones they just say can I call you your first name.

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