to refuse to host my husband's access to our children?

(85 Posts)
Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:00:33

Hello everyone. It's my first time on AIBU, so please bear with me, although I will endeavour to keep this brief!
Husband and I separated a few months back. He is living with the woman he left me for. We have 3 children. I am a stay at home mum, living in the family home with the children. My husband is a devoted father and sees our girls round here most evenings of the week, plus a day at the weekend. It's great that he's such an involved dad, and I have been happy enough to host the access round here, as I never wanted him to be a 'MacDonalds dad', nor would it be nice for the kids. Reason access has been round here is that I felt it was much too soon for them to meet this other woman, and I wanted to protect the girls from their dad's infidelity. Our eldest is 12 and I feared it would be damaging for her. Funnily enough, husband has been happy to play along, as I don't think he was ready to tell them either! It has all been amicable for the most part.
Thing is, family home has now been sold and the girls and I are moving. Same city, just a different area, to be closer to school and to live in a place with a community feel, like I've always wanted. I was always clear with my husband that when I moved, I would no longer be prepared to host all the access. I explained that the new place would be my territory and my fresh start. How could I move on when my he was still in my life constantly. The lines were bound to be a bit blurry while still at the family home, but I wanted clear boundaries when I moved. I also accepted that in order for this to happen, I was willing to allow the girls to meet Linda (his girlfriend), as enough time would have passed by the time we move.
Now that we have put an offer in on a house, and I have stood by that rule (not easy, when I'm 'just' a SAHM and he's the powerful career person), his toys are being well and truly thrown out of the pram. He is complaining that Linda lives in a 1 bed flat, so how can he possibly accommodate overnight stays (in due course)? Where would he take them weekday evenings, as it's too far to their flat? I have had to harden my heart a bit (not easy for me) and explain that it's not my problem and that he has had months to find a solution. He went mental. He will not accept that he may end up having to see a bit less of the kids through the week. For the first time, I can see that we're probably not going to end up as amicable as I'd hoped.
Forgive me my ignorance on legal matters, but he's threatening to have the house in his name only, as he will be the one paying the mortgage. But what about my security long term? I can see that I'm going to end up feeling like the lodger. After 18 years of marriage, all he cares about is his children. I am glad about this, but saddened for myself.
The past few months have been difficult and have taken an emotional toll on myself. He makes persistent sexual advances towards me, his moods change like the wind, he makes constant digs about how I don't contribute financially and the pressure is all on him. This I accept, so have committed to be in work by August, when our youngest starts school.
I feel like he has all the power, because he is the one paying for everything. Am I right to stick to my guns and refuse to host access in the new place? I am very fond of my ex on the whole, but the thought of never being free makes me feel slightly queasy.
I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate any responses, because at the moment I'm thinking 'is it just me?...'
Thanks so much in advance.

caruthers Sun 16-Mar-14 15:56:17

If you don't want him in your home then don't have him in your home...some good advice on here for you to mull over.

Thumbwitch Sun 16-Mar-14 16:12:17

Oh good, you're going to take some action - I really hope that involves proper legal advice. It needs to!

You'll find it hard to keep him out of the new property if he owns it, unless you become his tenant, which will give you certain privacy rights but it will be difficult while you remain married.

A big tip for you - expect the worst from him, in every situation. NEVER give him the benefit of the doubt, because it is a waste of your time and goodwill - he will screw you every which way that you let him. All the while he's getting what he wants, he's likely to play nicely - as soon as you start to cross him, a different side will come out, one you probably won't even recognise as being your STBExH (hopefully!) - because he no longer has to "fit" into your relationship, so he'll stop suppressing the aspects of his character that didn't fit well. So - as I said at the start of this paragraph - expect the worst from him at all times - chances are you won't be disappointed very often sad

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 16-Mar-14 17:02:57

Remember that the first 30 mins of an initial solicitor consultation is free so in theory you could visit several to get maximum free advice.

Also, once you see a solicitor for advice they then can't represent your estranged husband.So visit several in both of your local areas to limit the legal advice available to him.

If you feel threatened call the police on either 999 or the none emergency number. Change the locks if you need to & don't tell him that you are seeking legal advice.

Be vague about posting details on here in case your ex husband's OW or family members are on here. Dont mention names, locations or specific identifiable details.

NonnoMum Sun 16-Mar-14 18:51:26

Dieu thanks for coming back to the thread. This isn't going to be easy but by continuing to be strong here will be one less fool of a man who can't have his Linda-cake and eat it.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 16-Mar-14 19:02:51

You need to initiate divorce proceedings.

However you should be aware that a court may well place a Martin or Mesher order on any property.

They will take into account your earning potential and the fact you are the primary care giver and split the estate accordingly.

RedHelenB Sun 16-Mar-14 19:10:19

I think you will find that the 30 mins advice is very similar, but it does allow you the chance to see which solicitor suits you best. Also, visit your bank & find out how much of a mortgage you could take on - having control of finances will help you feel separated,. remember, your ex will also need to be adequately housed out of any settlement so the children can spend time with him

Quinteszilla Sun 16-Mar-14 20:54:28

Get your free half hour with as many as the top family lawyers in your area as you can, as then he cant use them, due to conflict of interest.... You can limit his choice a bit this way...

NonnoMum Mon 17-Mar-14 19:25:25

Hi OP. Just checking in. Hope you've managed to give everything a bit of thought...

foreverondiet Mon 17-Mar-14 19:35:43

He won't necessarily get 50% of equity - court will decide but as you have 3 kids to house you would probably get more. Have you sold the house yet? I agree with everyone else - he is trying to stitch you up. Straight to lawyer... No selling house until you know how equity will be decided. Best to stay in existing house until then but if harassment / emotional abuse you can stop him coming round to existing house.

deakymom Mon 17-Mar-14 22:13:49

so in august you will be working? get a house you can afford a mortgage on yourself without him im really not sure this house thing will work out in your favour?

btw he is being totally unreasonable he can take the kids out fgs he sounds like my ex would turn up at the house to see his daughter put my tv on and ask what's for tea angry

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