to refuse to host my husband's access to our children?

(85 Posts)
Dieu Sun 16-Mar-14 08:00:33

Hello everyone. It's my first time on AIBU, so please bear with me, although I will endeavour to keep this brief!
Husband and I separated a few months back. He is living with the woman he left me for. We have 3 children. I am a stay at home mum, living in the family home with the children. My husband is a devoted father and sees our girls round here most evenings of the week, plus a day at the weekend. It's great that he's such an involved dad, and I have been happy enough to host the access round here, as I never wanted him to be a 'MacDonalds dad', nor would it be nice for the kids. Reason access has been round here is that I felt it was much too soon for them to meet this other woman, and I wanted to protect the girls from their dad's infidelity. Our eldest is 12 and I feared it would be damaging for her. Funnily enough, husband has been happy to play along, as I don't think he was ready to tell them either! It has all been amicable for the most part.
Thing is, family home has now been sold and the girls and I are moving. Same city, just a different area, to be closer to school and to live in a place with a community feel, like I've always wanted. I was always clear with my husband that when I moved, I would no longer be prepared to host all the access. I explained that the new place would be my territory and my fresh start. How could I move on when my he was still in my life constantly. The lines were bound to be a bit blurry while still at the family home, but I wanted clear boundaries when I moved. I also accepted that in order for this to happen, I was willing to allow the girls to meet Linda (his girlfriend), as enough time would have passed by the time we move.
Now that we have put an offer in on a house, and I have stood by that rule (not easy, when I'm 'just' a SAHM and he's the powerful career person), his toys are being well and truly thrown out of the pram. He is complaining that Linda lives in a 1 bed flat, so how can he possibly accommodate overnight stays (in due course)? Where would he take them weekday evenings, as it's too far to their flat? I have had to harden my heart a bit (not easy for me) and explain that it's not my problem and that he has had months to find a solution. He went mental. He will not accept that he may end up having to see a bit less of the kids through the week. For the first time, I can see that we're probably not going to end up as amicable as I'd hoped.
Forgive me my ignorance on legal matters, but he's threatening to have the house in his name only, as he will be the one paying the mortgage. But what about my security long term? I can see that I'm going to end up feeling like the lodger. After 18 years of marriage, all he cares about is his children. I am glad about this, but saddened for myself.
The past few months have been difficult and have taken an emotional toll on myself. He makes persistent sexual advances towards me, his moods change like the wind, he makes constant digs about how I don't contribute financially and the pressure is all on him. This I accept, so have committed to be in work by August, when our youngest starts school.
I feel like he has all the power, because he is the one paying for everything. Am I right to stick to my guns and refuse to host access in the new place? I am very fond of my ex on the whole, but the thought of never being free makes me feel slightly queasy.
I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate any responses, because at the moment I'm thinking 'is it just me?...'
Thanks so much in advance.

divegirl77 Sun 16-Mar-14 08:36:17

FFS see a solicitor asap!

MimiSunshine Sun 16-Mar-14 08:39:10

Agree with everyone else, get legal advice ASAP. Delay the house sale until you do.

Firstly he's starting to show his have, do not ignore this. So he had an affair and left when you found out (presumably). But until that moment he was happy with the status quo?!
Then he left but you both agreed to keep up most of the family dynamic for the sake if the children.

This suited him as it still gives him the best of both worlds wnd he was in control of that, trying it on with you clearly shows he believes he has control of the situation and deep down you'd love to have him back. By refusing his advances and access to your new house, you are proving to be less mailable than he realised and unfortunately he won't be able to have his cake and eat it.

Secondly if you move from the current family home which you have clearly supported for a number if years / decades as the SAHP into a new house which isn't actually the family home, in the sense that the complete family live there. Then I do worry he could claim he only allowed you to live there (as a favour) until you started your job in August. If you don't have anything in writing, he could just move in, it's his house after all.

Please don't hold on to blind faith that he'll do the right thing. He's already proven that isn't a concept he's familiar with by having an affair before ending the marriage. Get a free half hour in with a solicitor and please do not tell your ex that you are doing so until you have a been given advice and know exactly how to proceed.

Cranky01 Sun 16-Mar-14 08:39:12

Please get legal advice, the more he doesn't get his own way the nastier he will become! Go Monday and follow their advice

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 16-Mar-14 08:40:50

I have been where you are. Get legal advice, get the divorce ball rolling ( you have clear grounds), don't let him buy you a house, get a settlement and buy the house you want.
He is having the best of both worlds he gets to shag OW and then you look after his children he gets to turn up and have the best bits of them then leave. He will be angry when you pull this rug from under his feet, but until you do this you won't be able to make a new life for yourself.
You did not create this situation he did, but you now have to make the best of it.

ChasedByBees Sun 16-Mar-14 08:42:02

Yes please go to a solicitor. He will need to support his family if he leaves as you have given up any chance of a career to support raising your children. If his name - solely - is on the deeds, he will have the legal right to enter. I imagine it'll be treated like a marital situation rather than a lodger type situation, but this is way you need legal advice. I imagine the house you're selling you both own? You are in a bit of a precarious legal position and in danger of being stitched up. He's shown he won't respect your boundaries.

You need to put yourself first as its the only way to ensure your children have a stable place they can call home.

petalunicorn Sun 16-Mar-14 08:42:23

You are being totally reasonable - but don't let yourself be shafted. Your new home is your refuge, please don't let it be in his name at all - I can only echo everyone else, go to a lawyer and get a proper financial settlement. You're not going to be able to move on with him involved in your finances like this.

NonnoMum Sun 16-Mar-14 08:43:58

What everyone else says.
sorry that you are experiencing this but it was HIS choice to break up your family.
Get Gloria Gaynor on playing LOUD.

MsMischief Sun 16-Mar-14 08:44:42

You need to see a solicitor pronto and get a proper split of assets. You need to have your own house to live in, not his house where he will let you stay if you play nicely.
Linda only having a 1-bed flat is not your problem.

thegreylady Sun 16-Mar-14 08:46:17

1 Solicitor
2 Divorce
3 Financial settlement will give you half the assets
4 Then, and only then, consider moving to a place that is entirely yours.
In the mean time he has no right to come and go as he pleases in your home.

MrsCaptainReynolds Sun 16-Mar-14 08:52:56

You are being beyond reasonable -naive in fact. You need a proper financial settlement, not him buying you a house as some kind of favour and changing his mind about who owns it at the last minute.

To be honest, if you proceed in this legally naive way, him "buying" you a house and paying the mortgage without it being clear this is yours, I think you'll have to live with him coming to you for access. It makes little sense to have such firm boundaries in one area and wishy washy arrangements otherwise.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 16-Mar-14 08:55:37

Its not a clean break though is it re the new move given he will own the house. He could therefore enter it whenever he pleases.

You need to do it properly and sort out finances now rather than later. You cant currently afford the mortgage if not working and you will have to at some point in the future. Both of you need homes with space for the chidren not just you.

ChasedByBees Sun 16-Mar-14 08:55:39

By the way, I think I stated things a little too definitively - it's what I think the legal perspective would be but I'm not a lawyer. Please do seek advice.

You are also being entirely reasonable to ask him to host visits elsewhere, especially if he's making advances (the creep). Yes, he will see the children less. That's what happens when you leave your family.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Sun 16-Mar-14 09:02:02

YANBU

but I think you need urgent legal advice

Buying a new home in his name is a bad idea, it will leave you unprotected. Also you cannot rely on him to continue paying for a home for you long term unless that is something agreed to in the divorce (and I think even then it's pretty unusual). In a lot of cases once the equity and pensions etc are divided the only on going payment is for child maintenance, could you manage on that?

At the beginning of the split everyone is full of promises, that changes over time. He might agree now to pay a mortgage for you long term but if he is not legally obligated to he might change his mind, especially if he has more children or wants to buy somewhere with his new partner

Please see a solicitor asap even if you don't feel ready to divorce

hippo123 Sun 16-Mar-14 09:02:06

You are being very reasonable, but why is he buying your new house? Surely you sell your current house, and as you have the kids you'll get a good proportion of the money. Then you buy / rent somewhere else totally independently of him. What has he got to do with it? Why aren't you getting divorced? You really need to seek legal advice here, before you sell. And get a job, any job for the time being.

AnnieOats Sun 16-Mar-14 09:03:45

I agree with what everyone else who's saying that you need to see a solicitor. In your position I would go for a divorce and get everything sorted out once and for all.

I can't imagine any judge would expect you to accommodate your ex in your own home once you've separated so I wouldn't worry too much about you being unreasonable.

His making sexual advances to you is totally out of order so I would mention it to your solicitor. Try not to let the digs about him paying for everything bother you too much as he's just saying it to get at you. I had the same when I divorced my cheating ex. He seemed to forget that I'd paid half the mortgage for 7 years until we had our first child and was quite happy for me to stay at home and do everything while he built up his business. The judge will take the fact that you've contributed just as much as your H by bringing up your children.

exhaustedmummymoo Sun 16-Mar-14 09:03:53

Hi OP haven't much else to add other than get legal advice ASAP and don't move yet, I suspect, but not a lawyer so not sure, but your current house will be owned by both of you, even if he pays the mortgage, because you are his wife. No no no please don't move yet you will be financially beholden to him, and if he changes 'like the wind' you could be in a very vulnerable situation.
Oh and YANBU he sounds like he's now showing his true colours and they don't seem very nice.
Good luck OP.

ZeroSomeGameThingy Sun 16-Mar-14 09:03:57

^STOP

DO NOT MOVE

go to lawyer Monday

Get the divorce started^

^^ This and all the similar advice that follows.

The point of being married is that it should ensure you are not left in an impossible position when the relationship ends.

You must make an appointment to get legal advice immediately. START DIVORCE PRICEEDINGS.

You must not discuss this with your ex-H in advance.

goodmum123 Sun 16-Mar-14 09:05:28

Are you ok op, are you going to
Follow the excellent advice on here? (Hugs)

notapizzaeater Sun 16-Mar-14 09:12:24

He's treating you like he's still married but just going home to Linda. You need your own legal advice.

Finola1step Sun 16-Mar-14 09:15:32

You've had great advice on here OP.

If you go ahead with this house sale and new purchase, with out legal advice, he is going to shaft you my dear.

Sorry if this has been asked already. If you sell the family home and buy a new house during the period of separation, is the new house still considered the family home in future divorce proceedings?

I have a nasty feeling that he is setting you up for a very big fall.

Wrt to the sexual advances, this has to stop now. If not, do not let him into your house. Consider talking to your local police dv unit because unwanted sexual advances (especially if they are physical) are at least indecent assault.

Goldmandra Sun 16-Mar-14 09:16:52

I agree with all the posters saying get some legal advice immediately.

You also need to think about contact from the children's point of view.

If I've read it right, your husband is basically stepping back into family life for contact and then going back to his girlfriend. This is going to be sending very confusing messages to the children.

If there is no chance of your marriage surviving this, you need to rebuild your family life around the new situation. The children need to get used to having their parents in two different homes and all that this entails.

Having him, in their eyes, step in and out of the relationship is confusing and not very kind. They may be constantly hoping that you'll get back together and feeling under pressure to do, or not do, things to make that happen. They need to know what their future holds and focus on getting used to the new family structure.

Your husband having his contact time elsewhere will be better for you but it will also be better for the children. Your 12 year old, particularly, needs this to happen soon so that the dust has settled and she is happy and relaxed in the new routine before she starts studying for her GCSEs.

Dieu, however amicable things start off there ALWAYS seems to be a point where things get unamicable.

If you are worried about the cost of a solicitor for the divorce then if you and XDH have any equity between you stop worrying right now - there is money to pay for it. Please do what everyone says and get to a solicitor.

I second other advice regarding solicitor asap. You need to divorce and have a financial settlement before moving house, that way the house will be in your name and you will know where you stand. They will also agree a maintenance amount from him. You do make a financial contribution by the way, by looking after your children which allows him to work. If he mentions you not contributing financially then send him a "bill" for childcare. He will soon realise how much you contribute

Marylou62 Sun 16-Mar-14 09:38:03

Peeking..(.said very nicely...not sarcastic) I am glad the OP has had good advice and that not everyone on AIBU says horrid/darn right nasty things. Good Luck OP, I feel for you.

Fairylea Sun 16-Mar-14 09:42:18

I have been divorced twice. Do NOT buy a house with his name on the deeds anywhere. You are essentially allowing him to move back in whenever he likes.

You need to agree a proper split of assets and a maintenance payment which may be used towards a mortgage on the new property, which you pay yourself from your own bank account. Your name and your name only needs to be on the deeds.

See a solicitor. Urgently.

If this means you cannot afford to buy a house then you may need to look into renting perhaps in order to secure a proper split - depending on your income and how much equity there is in the martial home. Or your dh may be ordered to continue to pay towards the mortgage on your current home until the children are 18.

You need to completely financially separate yourself from him. Be completely single with a payment from him towards the children either as a private agreement via direct debit or if he is flaky through the csa. Your solicitor may be able to agree an additional maintenance payment. Again you need advice.

Him having a 1 bed flat is not your problem. At all. He needs to make proper plans to see the dc without seeing them at your home. The only time ex and I see each other is literally on the platform of a train station for 2 minutes as we hand over, done this with dd for 11 years now.

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