Even if IABU, should I ignore my gut instinct in regards to a new male worker in DS's nursery?

(353 Posts)
iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 00:56:49

DH said when he collected DS1 (age 5) from nursery today there was a new male worker in his room. There has never been a male worker there before.

I know most of you will say IABU but I feel very uneasy about this. DH is indifferent.

I know only a small percent of men are abusers and I know women are capable of abusing children and have been convicted of such offences - but I would still prefer him to be looked after by females at this young age.

The vast majority of sex abusers i hear about in the news are men and, whether this is fair or not, this makes me feel slightly less trusting towards men in general this regard. For example, if DS went missing in a shopping centre and was found by someone and looked after for a few minutes I would feel more comfortable if that person happened to be a women.

I also know that children are more likely to be abused by someone they know like a family member or friend of the family rather than by someone like a nursery worker.

DS has occasional accidents in nursery when he's distracted playing with his friends and doesn't make the toilet on time - and I would be extremely unhappy to have a male worker changing his clothes etc.

I know some people think its great to have a male influence for the children rather than an all female staff but this is not important to me. DS interacts regularly with our male relatives and friends so he is not missing out in that regard. I know that is not the case for all children.

DH heard my views and feels a bit sorry for the male worker who he says is just trying to make a living. However, for me my primary concern is feeling my children are as safe as possible.

Also, my other concern is DS2 (age 1). He is in the same nursery in another room. Sometimes the staff swap between the rooms. If the new male worker was in DS2's room - I would probably switch nurseries.

I was thinking maybe about talking to the nursery manager to get some reassurances that he will just be doing classroom work rather than changing clothes etc. I imagine I might come across as a bit OTT for expressing my concerns?

I'm sure many (maybe all?) of you think IABU and irrational about this - but do you think I should ignore my gut feeling on this because it is the politically correct thing to do.

scooterland Mon 17-Mar-14 14:31:46

So by 'gut feeling' do you mean just the fact that this is a man looking after the children rather than a woman?

Goodness you are completely YABU!

Makes no difference if it's a male or female who does the job.

deakymom Mon 17-Mar-14 14:23:13

your problem is really the fact that it is not a common thing to see i had a male midwife pop in occasionally when i was in labour and male doctors i was fine but my husband was not at all he is used to female nurses and doctors dealing with me (we were out of area) he was most uncomfortable its okay to feel this but not to excess and not to the point of denying decent childcare etc because of it

This is all getting a wee bit ridiculous now.

TiggyCBE Mon 17-Mar-14 14:05:37

Hi OP!

Read your last post, and as a male nursery worker, big netmums style hugs!

Misspixietrix Sun 16-Mar-14 23:57:57

Indeed blanche! My DD was looked after in a Day Nursery she went from loving it to HATING IT. I STILL feel guilty about leaving her in there for as long as I did before pulling her out rapidly once I had found replaceable childcare. My DS wasn't put in one for this very reason. The Staff at DDs nursery didn't assault her just half the ttime looked and acted like they couldn't care less. I most definitely not have left her in there if she had been hurt by one of them! confused

Aeroflotgirl Sun 16-Mar-14 21:18:39

Oh and dd 7 has a male TA in her class is dear

Aeroflotgirl Sun 16-Mar-14 21:17:50

Yabvvvvu all your reasoning is nit based on fact but your opinions and generalisations. What are you going to do when your child goes to school and shock horror could have a male teacher. There is a lovely male nursery worker at ds ore school, he is great with the parents and kids

blanchedeveraux Sun 16-Mar-14 21:10:26

If you don't trust ANYONE in your DC's current childcare facility then this whole thread regarding "gut feeling" about a male employee is a red herring and makes little sense.

If your child was assaulted in daycare as you allege I find it very difficult to understand why you would continue using a nursery facility.

I don't buy the statement "I felt I didn't have a choice". You always have a choice, it may be Hobson's choice but it's still a choice.

How you could put your DCs in a situation you considered a potential danger every day is beyond me, but little of what you've said rings true anyway.

I can understand that you have general issues with childcarers after that. Just try to think that the man who will be caring for your DS1 (and potentially DS2) is probably a man just like your DH who naturally gravitates to children.

The way you describe your DH with children is the way I'd describes mine - once our friends (and then we) started to have children we discovered he was an absolute natural with them. He'd never been sure what to do career wise in the long term and suddenly he'd found something that just fitted his natural skills and personality perfectly. But he thought long and hard about taking the step and actually moving in to childcare because it was going against so many stereotypes and prejudices.

Going in to childcare is far less of a default/easy option for guys - it has to be something they really want to do to put up with the flack they will take from other people. So yes, there might be a risk just like there is with anyone, but there's also a very strong chance that you are getting someone who is working with children because it feels like the right career choice for them.

GarthsUncle Sun 16-Mar-14 21:06:20

For the record, I think she was BVU in her first post but is now having a rethink.

GarthsUncle Sun 16-Mar-14 21:03:48

I think she is acknowledging that her fears are irrational, not that they have suddenly gone thanks to all our posting.

I think it's fine to keep discussing but it would be kinder to do it more generally since she has acknowledged she's not in the right on this.

But to call her - to pick one - "a sexist nutter" after she's acknowledged SIBU seems far from general.

mrsjay Sun 16-Mar-14 21:01:26

a person assaulted your child did you get them charged tbh If you cant trust the women either why are your children in childcare

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 16-Mar-14 21:00:48

What happened to your Ds is terrible. But that doesn't explain why this particular male is a problem. Surely all the staff would be. Which is far more understandable.

Qix Sun 16-Mar-14 20:58:10

If you don't trust the women either then that is a massive drip feed OP.

Coldlightofday Sun 16-Mar-14 20:58:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay Sun 16-Mar-14 20:54:51

the onl reason the op tihnks she is being U is that she doesn't think it is politically correct to think the way she does, so infact she isn't changing her mind or re thinking anything she thinks this man is odd and could interfere with babies while changing nappies,

iphoneaddict Sun 16-Mar-14 20:53:53

OP here again
So obviously I see the overwhelming view is that I'm an off the wall sexist bigot. Fair enough, I see I have come across that way. I admit its wrong but I find it difficult to shake the feelings I have.

I see your point that I should not judge & dismiss someone I have not even met. That makes sense. The man in my son's room is not just a 'man' but a human with feelings etc.

But I see that many people have completely judged my character based on my admittedly irrational views on one topic. I'm not a completely horrible person. I have anxieties about a particular issue.

Maybe I've been stupidly swayed by all the horrific cases of abuse we hear about so much nowadays and now I'm a bit paranoid.

And I'm well aware women are no angels. We had an issue in a childcare setting when DS1 was a small baby where a women was being violent towards him. This was brought to our attention by another employee and the women admitted it and was sacked . The violence was what I'd call medium level - it was way worse than slapping but not so extremely violent that DS would have noticeable injuries. It shook me badly and I was terrified putting my child back in to childcare but I felt I didn't have a choice.

I had mixed feelings towards the women who'd been mistreating DS1. Everyone was surprised I didn't go in and kill her when I found out but I found it hard to just regard her as a completely evil person. And I know it's come across that I'm dismissing the new man looking after my son and I can see the double standards in this.

I don't trust the women in the childcare centre either by the way because of the experience I have. I know that that is also irrational - just because I had a bad experience with one childcare worker doesn't mean the others aren't good people. But I initially trusted & liked the women who turned out to be violent towards DS1. It was so strange that the women who seemed so lovely turned out to have been behaving so differently behind my back. It makes it difficult to place my trust in other strangers because just because someone comes across as genuine and caring its no guarantee that they actually are.

DH has always been extremely fond of children because he had little brothers that he looked after as a teenager. And that was one of the things I found endearing about him when I met him. Whenever he meets children he naturally gravitates towards them and engages with them and makes them laugh.

Anyway - I did acknowledge earlier in this discussion that I would take on board your comments. I want to overcome my anxieties because DS1 will be spending time with this person whether I'm comfortable with it or not

rhetorician Sun 16-Mar-14 20:47:43

It makes me very sad, actually, especially given that most abuse happens in the home. It is so unfair that men are the subject of such suspicion I this regard, not least because given all the opposition any man who goes into childcare must feel that he has some talent for crying for children, which is clearly not the case for quite a lot of the women who end up doing this hugely important job.

ShabbyChic8 Sun 16-Mar-14 20:45:14

YAB completely U. I think you need to introduce yourself to him personally. I'm sure within a few minutes you will be reassured that he is just a normal human being with an interest in working with kids. I'm sure they haven't dragged him in off the streets just because they were short staffed.

Coldlightofday Sun 16-Mar-14 20:43:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 16-Mar-14 20:43:39

She not a&e damn auto correct

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 16-Mar-14 20:43:17

You don't go from supposed gut feelings and something she's clearly thought about for a while to the extent she threatened to leave the nursery of the worker went into the baby room. To completely realising YWBU and everything's ok.

If she didn't listen to her husband why on earth would complete strangers be able to change her mind. A&e may have said she realised she was BU but I for one don't believe she's actually changed her mind. And if this gets out to other parents it could cost him his job for nothing.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 16-Mar-14 20:43:11

Garth People have acknowledged her saying she realises she is BU but why should the conversation shut down there? Sadly, the OP is not alone in her thoughts about this topic. Personally, I find it fascinating.

ilovesooty Sun 16-Mar-14 20:43:02

She only agreed she might BU as she might not be PC enough. And there have been a few equally bigoted posts from others since. It's in my opinion a discussion worth having. If you don't like the thread the board is full of others Garth

I don't think you are alone in that Rhetorician - DH seems to get a lot of enquiries from single mums and from lesbian couples who say similar things. i.e. more enquiries than you would expect in a random sample of the population iyswim!

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