Three sisters and a mother

(40 Posts)
Paddie Sat 15-Mar-14 09:56:50

Not quite four and a funeral. I don't know if I'm being silly but having spent the last couple of weeks randomly crying and thinking about it I thought I'd pose the question. It was triggered by my most recent sisters wedding where I had no involvement in the wedding. I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid, say a reading, nothing...in fact I don't think my sister found time to speak to me the entire day. Given I had spent a considerable amount of money taking my family to her wedding in another country this hurt.

Casting my mind back I realised that both my other sisters also had weddings where I wasn't involved. All three were my bridesmaids when I married and all three of them have been each other's bridesmaids or have had a role in the wedding proceedings.

Combine that with the utter lack of interest my mother has in my life I feel really hurt, unwanted and like I'm the ugly ducking tagging along behind all the swans. I know I chose to live in a different country to the rest of my family but I have really tried to maintain links, taking my family back there regularly. I haven't got much money so trips there will be in place of taking my children away elsewhere not in addition. None of them bother to visit us here but yet frequently travel abroad on holidays. I've even found out retrospectively that they have had weekends in London but haven't wanted to see me or my family.

I don't know whether to confront them (suspect it will be denied and I'll be painted as being foolish for feeling this way) or to just gradually ease of contact with them as I don't think they want it.

Sorry for this being long and thanks for reading it. Am I bu to feel excluded

BuggarMeGently Sat 15-Mar-14 20:09:36

The black Sheep Brigade! To the person who suggested cutting contact to see if they notice...they probably won't. My "sister" has just texted to ask why I have unfriended her on facefook- I did this 2 YEARS AGO!- and to ask if OH will help her move...erm, off you fuck, then!

Baaaaa

minouminou Sat 15-Mar-14 20:54:13

Wow.

There's no coming back from that, Buggar.

BuggarMeGently Sat 15-Mar-14 21:07:39

I found a pic the other day that said "I shook my family tree and a load of nuts fell out"! grin

RealHousewivesofNorwich Sun 16-Mar-14 06:14:47

Sorry to hear this OP. Not being asked to be bridesmaid by any of them seems really harsh, especially given the fact they were all bridesmaids at your own wedding.

Having said that,, my own sister lives in a foreign country and, sadly, as the years have progressed myself and my brother just aren't as close to her as we are with each other. It's simply due to the fact that we see her far less than each other and our parents. I am wondering if the fact you live abroad has caused you to drift away from your sisters in this regard?

If so, I'm afraid this is something you may have to accept. if you want a closer relationship with them, could you consider moving back to be nearer to them?

MeMySonAndI Sun 16-Mar-14 06:42:06

"And yes, I believe you do reach a point where you don't give a crunchy crap about being included. I have friends that I see as more as siblings than my real siblings."

I can't agree more with this. I also live abroad, but even when I was near I was excluded all the time, couldn't do anything right and had to put up with my mother's comparisons when she goes on and on on how They are better or I'm worse than my siblings.

Anyhow, I have put up with a lot of cr*p all my life so it became normal. My breaking point was a series of comments from my mother taking the side of my ex during my divorce; one sister sending photo after photo of her children but not even wanting to ask how DS is; and my younger sister, who can be violently agressive and cruel but turns around and starts acting, in less than a second, as if nothing had happen, all smiles and everything, so... As some point i stoped and thought, wait a minute, I am no longer used to be treated like this, everytime they behave like that/i see them I feel down for weeks (which I can't afford being a single mum), so I decided to stand by myself, which as usually hapens with rebellious doornats, they become even meaner... So I cut them off, no more weekly calls, no more trips to see them. Have they called me? Probably three times in a year, have I missed them? Not a iota, it has been quite a liberating experience.

MeMySonAndI Sun 16-Mar-14 06:49:20

Living abroad is not a excuse for lack of communication, I have a good number of friends I am in contact at least twice a week and only see once every year or so. They live away but they make the effort, that is the difference!

Paddie Sun 16-Mar-14 08:26:16

Thank you everybody, it helps have some perspective and feel less isolated when I hear that mine is not the only family to behave in this way. I'm sorry that you all go through it to and thank you for your support.

SometimesLonely Sun 16-Mar-14 08:53:53

Regrettably, I'm in the same sort of boat as MeMySonandI. I've had nothing to do with my son for 5 years. It's better not to think about the situation than to dwell on it. As MeMySonandI, I feel more free for not having it on my mind all the time.

MeMySonAndI Sun 16-Mar-14 16:40:37

I'm sure my mum thinks the same as you sometimeslonely, she doesn't seem bothered (although for some reason she is very jealous of my friends) but it seems we have lost interest in each other, and for the time being it suits both of us fine.

I think that we all are programmed with the idea that family members should be the closer people to you you should ever have, but that is only possible if everyone cares enough for each other.

NMFP Sun 16-Mar-14 18:29:44

I've experienced this, too. If I'm not excluded, then sure as anything there'll be someone who's nose is out of joint about me being invited, or asked after, or thanked, or generally noticed.

I think it's too much to hope that it won't hurt. It does hurt, and if you bury those feelings they'll still be there to hurt you later.

But there are ways to ensure it hurts less because you start to recognise the patterns and anticipate things better, which gives you a chance to avoid the worst. In my case. I've started to recognise some of the drivers behind the behaviour and its nothing to do with me - it's other people feeling insecure and jealous about stuff which isn't even anything to do with me, and probably an inability to empathise which leads to some thoughtless decisions.

And I find it helps to note that someone is behaving badly and its not me.

BuggarMeGently Sun 16-Mar-14 19:31:15

Do any of you have a difinitive event or time that things began to change?

Paddie Sun 16-Mar-14 21:29:30

Add message | Report | Message poster BuggarMeGently Sun 16-Mar-14 19:31:15
Do any of you have a difinitive event or time that things began to change?

Not me....can't offer a time or event that marked the beginning of this as such. Noticed it when one of my sisters met her current partner that all he contact dried up....we went from her spending an hour or two on the telephone to not hearing from her, then she moved and didn't have a landline and I couldn't afford international mobile calls (she wasn't interested in Skype) and gradually I realised I never heard from her, didn't have her new address for ages despite asking and I have never been to see her new house and have given up asking......then she married her partner and though we had discussed me bringing my partner to her wedding when invites were sent out she carefully listed me and my dcs and not my partner....
Contact with other sisters has also died off during this time......sometimes I get an answer if I text/what's app them and sometimes I don't.....

BuggarMeGently Mon 17-Mar-14 08:52:51

And you always seem to be the one to send the first text.

Paddie Mon 17-Mar-14 18:02:00

Haven't today ��.....not that they've texted me though �� Happy St Patricks Day��

LondonForTheWeekend Mon 17-Mar-14 19:42:31

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Shona duit Paddie.

After the "not really interested" comment I think you could start a discussion with your mum or one of your sisters about your mum. Say "I'm very angry about it. I don't really think [mother] is bothered whether she speaks with me from one end of the year to another. I think she is a bad mother"

Say to your sisters "would you not be gutted if one of your children felt this about you? Do you not think the fact she isn't bothered a bit speaks volumes about her character?"

Get them to make the link, but be matter of fact about it, don't invite their opinion.
If they start the whole "Don't be like that" tell them that they are being vacuous and dismissive and why you won't pretend any more.

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