To think that this father is overly obsessed with his daughter?

(105 Posts)
Intrigued14 Fri 14-Mar-14 15:16:50

Long post, really sorry.

I began a relationship with a man who seemed really quite sweet at first, really kind, understanding, funny and easy to talk to. He's in his late 20's and has a young daughter under 5.

At the time we met, he revealed that he and the mother of his child had been in a long-term relationship since his teens (over 10 years) and she is quite a bit older than him - they had outgrown each other apparently but had a civil relationship. What he didn't tell me immediately was that he had been married/divorced to this woman. He had been single for two years prior to meeting me and only had two very brief flings. But he was ready to settle down.

To begin with things went really well, he appeared to be a devoted dad. He lives close to his ex and sees his daughter often - on an almost daily basis. He has pictures of her and toys all over the house, T-shirts with her face on that he showed me. His profile picture on WhatsApp, is of her and only ever of her. He does not socialise with friends unless his daughter is present and it's a family type affair. Now I am already a mother, so it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to see.

However, some time into the relationship I started to notice that if he even went a day without seeing his daughter when he wanted to it would affect his mood, he would make angry comments about father's for justice/his rights and whatnot and become stroppy. He told me once that looking into her eyes he could see 'things' (relating to love ones he had lost, or something...his late nan had taught him) and that I wouldn't 'get' it as most people don't. And he made a series of inappropriate comparisons to his daughter when listing the most important people in his life, telling me once that only she could ever 'hurt' him.

At one point his ex informed him that she was going abroad for 3 weeks to see family, she gave him plenty of advance notice. He became immediately angry and depressed by this, told me he was going to bed and began to act like someone who was grieving. He told me that without her he had nothing, and that I wouldn't understand. He went silent on me on/off for 3 weeks, and began writing tortured statuses about what he was going through so I gave him time alone, and once his daughter returned he went back to normal like it had never happened.

Over a period of time...probably too long, I felt that there was just no future between us (there were also other factors involved) so I ended it. He didn't want to end it but we had a discussion and he said he understood.

A month later I found out I was pregnant. When I told him about the baby (a girl) he was upset and attempted to hide it from his family...so I told them myself. I later found out I'd annoyed him even further because he was apparently in the hospital with his daughter when I told them and that had offended him (?)

He subsequently told me that he has a daughter already, and he couldn't imagine loving any child like he loves her (this is despite the fact he works in teaching, has two nieces and a goddaughter who calls him dad and he seems to adore them all, takes them out as a group etc.). He has subsequently advised his family not to communicate with me and wants nothing to do with this child who is due in a matter of weeks.

The last contact I had with him, I was told "good luck and all the best with your future". Is there something wrong here...I just don't get it.

Topaz25 Mon 17-Mar-14 12:29:57

He sounds out of touch with reality. I think if he had contact with your daughter, she would be at risk of emotional harm. He would either put her on a pedestal as he has with his first daughter (and I dread to think how that will come crashing down during her difficult teenage years!) or he will ignore and reject her in favour of his first daughter, which could be devastating to her self esteem. His behaviour, such as tracking down your address by calling a cab company you used, also raises red flags. He is simply not stable enough to parent and you have to prioritise your child's wellbeing. If he is insistent he doesn't want to be involved, to the point of wanting a meeting with you to state this in front of witnesses (as if you are the irrational one!) could you seek legal advice about getting him to make it official and sign away his parental rights? Obviously this would mean you wouldn't get child support but you have to weigh that against your child's wellbeing. Good luck with this situation, thinking of you.

intrigued I think you are doing the right thing keeping away from him. While your dd has a right to know her dad she also has a right to be protected and it sounds like he's giving his oldest DD a lot of emotional abuse.
It's a shame that you are not in contact with the exw to see what she would do now in your situation given the benefit of hindsight. Mind you, sending those photos like you described sounds bloody odd to me too.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 17-Mar-14 11:54:28

Well op is very wise not to have anything to do with this man, his behaviour sounds obsessive and possessive. If he wants contact get can go through the court system, op should not have to do anything.

ohlalala13 Mon 17-Mar-14 11:29:20

Its a little ott but whaf if it was a mother like that with her child? Im pretty sure that would be seen as normal.
I have 2 dc and pg with 3rd.

Dc1 (sn) goes to nursery for 5 hours a few days a week and by half way through I feel like a huge chunk of me is missing.
Dont know how he coped for that long without her! When dh had to go abroad in an emergency he was on Skype as often as possible to see ds (was pg with 2nd then)

he sounds a little too culture orientated and could probably do with having a life of his own so he has a bit more of a balance in his life.

In my culture boys are a blessing but no home is truly blessed until a baby girl is there so could be something around the same lines as that for him too?

MrsKermittSmith Mon 17-Mar-14 11:18:24

In your position I would make sure my daughter had my surname and my name alone on the birth certificate, and I would do everything I could to ensure her father didn't develop sure an obsessive and unhealthy relationship with her. I also feel very sorry for his oldest daughter, in twenty years time she will be posting here trying to work out why she is feeling and behaving the way she is, poor girl.

deelite72 Sun 16-Mar-14 23:05:44

I smell a 'victim'. Be glad he's gone. Sounds like an utter creep.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 16-Mar-14 21:22:10

Your dd comes first, sometimes it's not in their best interest to have contact with the other parent. In this case as her father is obsessed beyond what is considered reasonable about his other dd, it could make op dd have feelings of inadequacy and not feeling loved or wanted by her father. I think that op ex is right nit to want anything to do with op dd, he is doing tge girl a massive favour.

CSIJanner Sun 16-Mar-14 21:04:23

The only thing I have to add (other than join in the chorus of run like the wind) is his poor DD1 is in for a shock and possible emotional trauma if she ever does something that taints his view and pedestal of her. The poor girl - she'll feel the pressure at some point.

VoyageDeVerity Sun 16-Mar-14 21:02:05

I think he sounds mentally unwell.

I'm so sorry you got tangled up in this.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 16-Mar-14 20:45:49

Op has said she will nit pursue contact for her dd. if tge man was tgat disparate get can take it to court. Why should it be up to op, after being treated so poorly by him and his family!

hoobypickypicky Sun 16-Mar-14 20:27:20

I'm sorry, I went overboard with the use of abusing/abuse/abusive there. blush

hoobypickypicky Sun 16-Mar-14 20:24:47

"i also think this 'rights of the child to know their father' is complete and utter false labeling.

a child has zero rights to know it's father who can walk away and never see them and isn't even legally compelled in common law to financially support them. what we really have is men's rights to see their child no matter whether it is best for the child or not, even if they've ignored the child for ten years and their arrival will cause massive disruption, even if they have drug and alcohol problems, even if they've been physically or sexually abusive in the past etc.

calling it the child's right to see their father is beyond a misnomer - it's perverse really."

TheHoneyBadger, that is everything I've ever felt about the relatively new trend which demands that a mother must pursue her child's "rights" to see its father regardless of the benefit, or lack of it, to the child. Everything. I've just never managed to put it into words as well as you have.

We've been conditioned to believe that it's in the child's best interests to do this. We're put under legal and moral pressure to bring our children into contact with their fathers no matter how damaging the contact may be because if we don't we're told that we're bad mothers and that we're abusing our offspring.

The reality, for some women, is that this is another form of control used and abused by abusive men in a perpetually patriarchal society.

aquashiv Sun 16-Mar-14 20:16:52

Op if when he changes his mind about your child what will you do then? You clearly want his family to know your child so will he. How is he as a Father does what does his daughter think of him. If I wasn't living with my children I think I would go a bit mental with grief.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 16-Mar-14 19:53:03

Yes you are very sues to keep your child away from this unhealthy and unstable individual. The things tgat he said regarding his dd are very weird bordering obsessive. He and his family have stated their position towards the baby, so no name in the birth certificate, everything to go through a solicitor. I would not want any child of mine round someone like him.

Petal02 Sun 16-Mar-14 19:51:22

OP, cast your eyes over some of the threads on the Step Parenting page. It's not unusual for non resident fathers to have quite obsessive relationships with children from their previous relationships: often to the detriment of future partners and any 'new' children with the new partner. Guilt is probably the cause.

TheHoneyBadger Sun 16-Mar-14 19:46:17

he's a misogynist with a weird mix of hate, fear and worship for females. dd is safe for the worship (for now), those single mums come in for the hate and the fear tinges over all of it.

you all make him feel inadequate and he hates and fears all of you. he declares that his daughter is the only one who is going to be allowed near his heart.

it's majorly fucked but honestly doesn't seem to be that uncommon.

good luck with the baby and extending your family smile

Intrigued14 Sun 16-Mar-14 19:41:47

Hi, thanks everyone there has been a lot of good advice in the thread.

HandsOffMyGazBaz I don't want to get back with him. This is actually something I explained early on to him. That I was willing to co-parent and make it as easy as possible for him to see the baby. He didn't want that and remarked that his future was basically ruined - in terms of ever moving on and having another relationship.

SamandCat I believe it was minor (e.g. upset stomach), and nothing to be worried about. Of course I had no clue where she was! But this is an ongoing problem for this man. Talking about his daughter, or otherwise offending him unintentionally. It was like walking on eggshells. He is just unable to separate himself emotionally from his daughter - his whole life, interests, everything seem to revolve around her. I tried to carefully talk to him about things and he agreed he needed and wanted to try and let go a bit, he actually acknowledged it. But ultimately it just seemed like things would go from bad to worse once she started to grow up and become more independent as children do. As I'm a mother too I just couldn't see myself dedicating so much time to his needs and neglecting my own.

bringbacksideburns He has actually poisoned his mother and co. against the baby. He told me that upon telling his mother about the situation she started crying that he was irresponsible (like his brother apparently) and asked him to leave her house! It all became very Eastenders and to this day I am baffled by her reaction. His small family unit are all very close to his daughter and his brother's children, but apparently I am to blame for the demise of their golden boy so they do not wish any contact - despite the fact that we are both mature adults. I was warned very specifically by them NOT to contact them even to tell them about the birth. Prior to that his mother was apparently happy with our relationship, and that he had finally met someone after the breakdown of his marriage (!)

I've decided ultimately to just proceed with life without him and contact the CSA. It does frighten me that he is so inwardly strange and yet works with primary school children as a living. And to think, he once went on a rant about disgusted he was with how many children of single mothers - with no active father's in their lives - that he came across, when he is basically making me one of them!

Caitlin17 Sun 16-Mar-14 15:07:56

To be honest the T- shirts with his daughter's face would have put me off long before this stage.

nostress Sun 16-Mar-14 15:04:01

An old school friend is like this. He is divorced with TWO kids but he never even speaks about the boy its all bout the girl. He is constantly putting pictures on FB of the little girl but none of the boy. All very weird.

Caitlin17 Sun 16-Mar-14 14:43:50

Honeybadger great posts from you.

The issue isn't the over the top way he is with his daughter. The issue is the shitty way he's treated you and how he has told his family not to have anything to do with you.

So the Grandparents don't get a say at all? Now that's weird.

Take steps to protect yourself OP. He has shown his true colours. Leave him to it. No name on the Birth Certificate and if he gets in touch do it through a Solicitor or he could well be turning up on your doorstep every day in the future acting the way he now with his daughter.

Caitlin17 Sun 16-Mar-14 14:38:39

There are almost no elements of his behaviour such are normal. Not being normal can be endearingly eccentric but he's not that. He's obsessive and scary. He can't socialise without his daughter?

I feel sorry for his ex- she must have to tread a fine line to keep his behaviour remotely acceptable. I feel even more sorry for his daughter. He's going to be a nightmare for her when she gets older.

NewtRipley Sun 16-Mar-14 14:32:03

I think you do need to move on, OP

NewtRipley Sun 16-Mar-14 14:30:22

I totally agree with what TheHoneyBadger said on page 1.

>>>>he looks into her eyes and sees things, he romantisises her to the only the person who could ever hurt him... it IS weird and isn't devotion in the healthy sense it's objectification and projecting his needs and his whole emotional life onto her<<<<

That is an unhealthy pre-occupation and pressure on a child, no matter whether the parent doing it is male or female

Sicaq Sun 16-Mar-14 14:25:03

I'm sorry you've been treated so badly by this man. He does sound unstable to me. I am actually quite concerned for the daughter he already has; his feelings sound like unhealthy possessiveness, not love.

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