To think that this father is overly obsessed with his daughter?

(105 Posts)
Intrigued14 Fri 14-Mar-14 15:16:50

Long post, really sorry.

I began a relationship with a man who seemed really quite sweet at first, really kind, understanding, funny and easy to talk to. He's in his late 20's and has a young daughter under 5.

At the time we met, he revealed that he and the mother of his child had been in a long-term relationship since his teens (over 10 years) and she is quite a bit older than him - they had outgrown each other apparently but had a civil relationship. What he didn't tell me immediately was that he had been married/divorced to this woman. He had been single for two years prior to meeting me and only had two very brief flings. But he was ready to settle down.

To begin with things went really well, he appeared to be a devoted dad. He lives close to his ex and sees his daughter often - on an almost daily basis. He has pictures of her and toys all over the house, T-shirts with her face on that he showed me. His profile picture on WhatsApp, is of her and only ever of her. He does not socialise with friends unless his daughter is present and it's a family type affair. Now I am already a mother, so it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to see.

However, some time into the relationship I started to notice that if he even went a day without seeing his daughter when he wanted to it would affect his mood, he would make angry comments about father's for justice/his rights and whatnot and become stroppy. He told me once that looking into her eyes he could see 'things' (relating to love ones he had lost, or something...his late nan had taught him) and that I wouldn't 'get' it as most people don't. And he made a series of inappropriate comparisons to his daughter when listing the most important people in his life, telling me once that only she could ever 'hurt' him.

At one point his ex informed him that she was going abroad for 3 weeks to see family, she gave him plenty of advance notice. He became immediately angry and depressed by this, told me he was going to bed and began to act like someone who was grieving. He told me that without her he had nothing, and that I wouldn't understand. He went silent on me on/off for 3 weeks, and began writing tortured statuses about what he was going through so I gave him time alone, and once his daughter returned he went back to normal like it had never happened.

Over a period of time...probably too long, I felt that there was just no future between us (there were also other factors involved) so I ended it. He didn't want to end it but we had a discussion and he said he understood.

A month later I found out I was pregnant. When I told him about the baby (a girl) he was upset and attempted to hide it from his family...so I told them myself. I later found out I'd annoyed him even further because he was apparently in the hospital with his daughter when I told them and that had offended him (?)

He subsequently told me that he has a daughter already, and he couldn't imagine loving any child like he loves her (this is despite the fact he works in teaching, has two nieces and a goddaughter who calls him dad and he seems to adore them all, takes them out as a group etc.). He has subsequently advised his family not to communicate with me and wants nothing to do with this child who is due in a matter of weeks.

The last contact I had with him, I was told "good luck and all the best with your future". Is there something wrong here...I just don't get it.

MrsKermittSmith Mon 17-Mar-14 11:18:24

In your position I would make sure my daughter had my surname and my name alone on the birth certificate, and I would do everything I could to ensure her father didn't develop sure an obsessive and unhealthy relationship with her. I also feel very sorry for his oldest daughter, in twenty years time she will be posting here trying to work out why she is feeling and behaving the way she is, poor girl.

ohlalala13 Mon 17-Mar-14 11:29:20

Its a little ott but whaf if it was a mother like that with her child? Im pretty sure that would be seen as normal.
I have 2 dc and pg with 3rd.

Dc1 (sn) goes to nursery for 5 hours a few days a week and by half way through I feel like a huge chunk of me is missing.
Dont know how he coped for that long without her! When dh had to go abroad in an emergency he was on Skype as often as possible to see ds (was pg with 2nd then)

he sounds a little too culture orientated and could probably do with having a life of his own so he has a bit more of a balance in his life.

In my culture boys are a blessing but no home is truly blessed until a baby girl is there so could be something around the same lines as that for him too?

Aeroflotgirl Mon 17-Mar-14 11:54:28

Well op is very wise not to have anything to do with this man, his behaviour sounds obsessive and possessive. If he wants contact get can go through the court system, op should not have to do anything.

intrigued I think you are doing the right thing keeping away from him. While your dd has a right to know her dad she also has a right to be protected and it sounds like he's giving his oldest DD a lot of emotional abuse.
It's a shame that you are not in contact with the exw to see what she would do now in your situation given the benefit of hindsight. Mind you, sending those photos like you described sounds bloody odd to me too.

Topaz25 Mon 17-Mar-14 12:29:57

He sounds out of touch with reality. I think if he had contact with your daughter, she would be at risk of emotional harm. He would either put her on a pedestal as he has with his first daughter (and I dread to think how that will come crashing down during her difficult teenage years!) or he will ignore and reject her in favour of his first daughter, which could be devastating to her self esteem. His behaviour, such as tracking down your address by calling a cab company you used, also raises red flags. He is simply not stable enough to parent and you have to prioritise your child's wellbeing. If he is insistent he doesn't want to be involved, to the point of wanting a meeting with you to state this in front of witnesses (as if you are the irrational one!) could you seek legal advice about getting him to make it official and sign away his parental rights? Obviously this would mean you wouldn't get child support but you have to weigh that against your child's wellbeing. Good luck with this situation, thinking of you.

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