MIL coming to stay to look after daughter during easter hols - bedroom and bed issues

(78 Posts)
bubbles11 Fri 14-Mar-14 13:59:02

DH invited his mother to come & look after our daughter for one week of easter hols
We live 4 hours away from MIL. She is mid 60s divorce with gentleman friend ("GF") who is mid 70s and does everything for her
There is a bit of history re: MIL divorce from FIL and DH response to that but basically he gets on ok with his mother
DH is not good at communicating. In jan this year DH said to me "shall I ask my mother down" to which I emailed him yes but what are the sleeping arrangements and is GF going to come too etc, shall we buy a sofabed (we only have enough bedrooms for me daughter and son). However we have a single bed. DH said MIL can sleep on single bed. GF has now phoned DH and said "am I invited too and I am going to book into b&b". DH now shouting at me that it is going to cost MIL and GF hundreds of pounds in b&b costs and they will have to sleep in our double bed instead and DH and I will sleep on an air bed in the living room. We did this (sleeping on airbed) regularly for christmases when MIL came down when we were first together (early 30s) but now I have two little ones and more than 10 years later - am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that DH has stubbornly refused to buy a sofabed or in any way address the sleeping arrangements? Initially he is suggesting he (DH) sleeps on single bed and I sleep on floor. I am guessing MIL wants GF to come down because she does not want to drive 4 hours herself and GF wants to stay purely because he does not fancy an 8 hour round trip to escort her down and then go home (very reasonable). MIL has previously openly said she dislikes me but I am polite and respectful of her and we have never openly had a fall out. I should just suck it up and sleep on the floor and forget my husbands refusal to buy a sofabed shouldnt i?? By way of postscript I have enough annual leave to take to look after daughter myself and my own parents have offered to have me and son at their house that week so there would be enough beds at our home (MIL and GF in our bed, husband in single bed etc)

whois Fri 14-Mar-14 14:40:16

Two easy options here I think.
1. You sleep in single bed and DH goes on the floor.
2. A sofa decent bed is purchase ASAP and MIL and GF sleep on that.

Inertia Fri 14-Mar-14 14:41:35

Your DH is being a twat.

You have a number of options:

- make direct contact with gentleman friend and ask whether he would prefer to arrange a b&b or cobbled-together sleeping arrangements in your house. He might not actually want to stay with you, he might want a bit of privacy and his own bathroom.

- stay in your own bed and put one or both of the children in a travel cot/ on an airbed on your bedroom floor, freeing up the children's rooms for MIL and GF.

- Sleep in your bed, move DD into your bed, and put DH downstairs on teh airbed.

-Buy a sofabed without waiting for permission.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 14-Mar-14 14:42:45

Why's he shouting at you about it? It's not your bloody fault, is it?

He is actually shouting at you??

whiteblossom Fri 14-Mar-14 14:58:09

wow what a gent your dh is, expecting you and only you to sleep on the floor to accommodate a women that hates you.

Tell him and well you too actually to grow some balls.

Why the actual fuck is he suggesting that YOU are the one who should sleep on the floor?

He'd be in serious danger of sleeping on the floor permanently iiwy

whattheholyfeck Fri 14-Mar-14 14:59:17

yes, forgot to say your OH is being a bit of a dick. Well, a lot of a dick.

girlywhirly Fri 14-Mar-14 15:02:03

DH invited his mother in the first place, so either he buys a sofa bed or she sleeps on the single bed, or she goes to the B&B with GF. Spell it out that you will not be moving from your bed. There will be no guests staying unless there are adequate beds for everyone to be comfortable.

If you prefer to take the time off work yourself, you can say to MIL that DH has assumed you will be working and has not communicated arrangements very well to her, so you will be at home and will not need childcare as such. If however she and GF want to come it would be better if they stay in a B&B as you don't have enough beds for everyone to be comfortable. Hint that your days of sleeping on floors and airbeds are well and truly over. Has DH grasped the fact that GF isn't that much into DC and would probably prefer the B&B option for the respite. They could come for 4 nights if a week would cost too much.

Of course if you did get a sofabed that would give MIL the idea that sleeping arrangements are now no problem, and therefore easy to come and stay anytime.

I think that while you may want to go to your parents, leaving him to it in your home with his parents looks as if you are deliberately avoiding them and being pushed out of your own home.

NaturalBaby Fri 14-Mar-14 15:06:05

Why is she coming if you don't need her for childcare? Particularly if there isn't space in the house.
Why does she need to look after your DD and not your DS?

I would be suggesting a more suitable time where you can spend better quality time together. Or that you go to your mum's with your dc and leave your DH and his mother to have some quality time together. Or sent him off to stay with your MIL for a few days.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 14-Mar-14 15:07:46

You need to grow a pair op and stop letting your h treat you like shit. Why should you sleep on the floor, when he is rejecting the sofa bed idea. Why is he shouting at you saying it's all your fault! Sod that for a fame of soldiers, I would take the kids and stay with my parents. I feel that GF would prefer some privacy, and time away from kids, that's pribably why he suggested staying in a BB. I Wouk tell h where to stick it!

Aeroflotgirl Fri 14-Mar-14 15:08:50

I agree girlywirly, op needs to have words with h

Floralnomad Fri 14-Mar-14 15:09:52

Sorry but I have obviously missed something ,why is she coming to look after your dd ,who has your son ? Where do you plan to put the sofa bed if you get one ? You sleep in the single bed and your DH can sleep on the floor / air bed or whatever .

bubbles11 Fri 14-Mar-14 15:11:59

thanks all for the support your replies made me smile - yes I know i need to get a grip a bit - it just feels like he is positioning me for a face off with his mum which is the last thing i want - infact whilst i am happy for his mum to see our two children whenever she likes i would be happy never to be there when that happens. but i get the feeling both he and his mother want me there (in my paranoid mind to make me a scapegoat for something which is nowt to do with me)

Tell him he has four options well five if you include a divorce.

1. He sleeps alone on floor and you have the single.
2. MIL and GF go to B and B.
3. He buys a sofa bed.
4. You go to your parents.

I don't really understand the DD/DS stuff.

bubbles11 Fri 14-Mar-14 15:13:08

DD is at school hence easter holidays, DS is at nursery so has year round childcare. MIL has not really looked after them before partly due to distance and partly due to animosity between me and her although the more i think about it the more i think unresolved issues between DH and her which I dont want to be in any way involved in

whattheholyfeck Fri 14-Mar-14 15:14:19

I urge you to leave them to get on with it. Go and stay elsewhere. Your parents, a hotel, a friend house. Go and enjoy some me time!!

bubbles11 Fri 14-Mar-14 15:16:21

MrsTerryPratchett if i ignore the divorce issue then staying with him involves a softly softly approach of trying to get DH to grow up and emotionally detach himself from the emotional blackmailing he went through when his parents divorced and his not particularly healthy relationship with his mum. To be honest I dont want the role of helping him become more independent of his mum - I would like him just to be more independent of his mum but he is not so aside from totally removing myself from the picture (my preferred option) i have to somehow feature in it especially if he wont make bloody obvious choices himself

bubbles11 Fri 14-Mar-14 15:17:10

whattheholyfeck you express my strong preference. i also like your chatname

ChasedByBees Fri 14-Mar-14 15:28:55

So he creates a problem then shouts at you when it's a problem? And suggests you should be the one to suffer most discomfort because of the problem he's created?

Hmm.

I'm shocked that you're even considering sleeping on the floor. This is his problem that he created. He gets to solve it. He has no right to shout at you, ever.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 14-Mar-14 15:30:38

Mabey you need to op, go to your parents and leave em to it. Why does he need you there, so he can insult you some more. It does not sound like he respects you, there seems to be some deep ishoos you need to address.

whattheholyfeck Fri 14-Mar-14 15:31:51

grin

What is stopping you from doing it? (do it, do it, do it!)

Imagine: some time away from a shouty/blamey DH, his vile mother, and (I know this sounds harsh) even the kids...to spend time with your friends, your parents or just yourself. Sounds like it would do you the world of good. If you are anything like me, you will be a bag of nerves and stress for the entire time they stayed. Don't put yourself through it.

FWIW, I wouldn't want to be the one to help him become independent from his mum either. I think that's very sensible of you. You wouldn't want to be dragged into it / blamed if it all goes wrong or if it all gets too much for DH. He needs to do this himself (if he ever does). And it might do you good to detach yourself from the whole thing.

Don't let the bastards get you down thanks good luck

Aeroflotgirl Fri 14-Mar-14 15:31:52

I agree chased, you sound like you are being walked all over by him.

Cerisier Fri 14-Mar-14 15:47:57

I am another one who doesn't give up her bed for anyone.

You and DH should stay in your bed and you should buy a sofa bed for MIL and GF. If they don't like it, they are welcome to use a B&B. Or you can ask your parents or take leave. You have plenty of options.

Be firm and calm. Repeat to DH as necessary. He can tell MIL the plan. It is kind of her to come and help but lack of space means you can only offer her a sofabed.

You are not a 20 year old, you have to go to work each morning and you deserve a decent night's sleep. You need to be able to get to your clothes and I'm guessing you don't want MIL rooting through your drawers, so don't give up your room.

HermioneWeasley Fri 14-Mar-14 16:11:40

Your husband is completely disrespectful of you and your wishes, as well as controlling with money. Does he have any good points?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Fri 14-Mar-14 16:17:29

Do not sleep on the floor for a woman that openly dislikes you, your words!

That's called a doormat in my house

LIZS Fri 14-Mar-14 16:18:43

maybe they'd prefer to stay in a b and b ?

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