DP not committed...?

(38 Posts)
RealHousewivesofNorwich Fri 14-Mar-14 12:26:23

Hi, feeling a bit low atm and could really do with some outside opinions.

DP and I have been together for 7 years, cohabiting for 6. We are very happy together; have had a couple of ups and downs but came out stronger because of them.

Lately I've been feeling really broody and want to settle down - not straight away though, just in the next few years or so. But whenever I mention any of this to DP, he looks really uncomfortable. He assures me we will settle down though, but I always feel like he is fobbing me off when he says this.

Today I mentioned that I think we should start saving to buy a place of our own and he looked really uncomfortable again, and said nothing.

I'm thinking that he's just not ready in the same way that I am. Not sure where to go from here - don't want to nag him but also don't want to stay with someone who doesn't appear to want to take things any further.

Am I making too much of all this? Anyone been in a similar situation? Thanks in advance for your help!

Imsosorryalan Sun 16-Mar-14 08:37:53

Hi op, just wanted to add that being together for a long time dating doesnt always mean he doesn't want to commit.

My dh and I were together for 10 years before he asked me to marry him. I was ready long before this but we were in our twenties and he had some bizarre idea that he wanted to be 30 before asking?! ( his parents were in their 30's so this was his reason).

I think you do need to talk get some idea from him as to when he will be ready..1 year, or 5 so you both are working to a plan.

Slapperati Sun 16-Mar-14 08:26:14

Having a penis doesn't make you an uncommunicative commitment-phobe hmm

Poppy67 Sun 16-Mar-14 08:22:08

Sounds like he's fobbed you off nicely. FYI, not all blokes are like that.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 16-Mar-14 07:34:29

So he may pop the question in a couple of years

How about buying a house together / getting a mortgage rather then renting

RealHousewivesofNorwich Sun 16-Mar-14 02:50:32

Hello everyone. Thanks for all of the advice. The proposal a few years back wasn't really a proper one - ie we were both quite drunk at the time. He admitted it was a bit soon for us then.

Had a chat with him last night too, and finally got somewhere with it. Explained what his lack of interest in the subject looks like to me when I bring it up and he basically said that he's a bloke and that's just how he is... then went on to say that he does see a future for us, wants us to get married etc, and planning on proposing in next year or two.

I believe what he said - it really did sound genuine and he has been making more effort since then to talk about our future so I reckon it's all good. Think the issue was simply down to a lack of communication.

BrownSauceSandwich Sat 15-Mar-14 09:40:38

I do feel a bit sorry for your partner in all this: years into the relationship, he asks you to marry him, you say no. Now you urgently want to "settle down", and he probably wonders why it's all on your terms. Brace yourself for your change of direction/urgency to bring up the question of why you said no then. If there were solid reasons why that was a bad time (eg: other life changing events going on), then say so, but otherwise he has just as much right to stall now.

Definitely time for a two way conversation - and try to stop talking about "settling down"... It means different things to different people, and can have have negative connotations for some. I'd say you have settled down: you're in a long term relationship. Others might interpret it as something to do with jobs; money; marriage; pensions; living arrangements; monogamy; mortgages; joint accounts; curtailment of fun... Whatever it means to you, formulate each point into an unambiguous question - the vaguer your questions, the vaguer will be the answers.

If your partner says that, yes, he wants kids, but not yet, or yes to the mortgage, but not yet, there's a question there about what he's putting it off for. Is it some career plan? Or did he always hope to climb Everest while he was still footloose? If so, let him say it without pouring cold water on it: he has as much right to his hopes and dreams as you have. If it turns out that your life plans are incompatible, that's when you have to choose between him and everything else. It's not unreasonable to "want more as long as it's with him", but you can't always get what you want.

Have the conversation, as others have said. Make him see how important this is to you. If he can't / won't then I think you'll have to walk away.

I was in a similar position at the same age as you, although we weren't living together which suited us both. I got to the point where I was happy to carry on as we were but needed to know that he saw children and marriage as part of our future. He ended it because he didn't. I was beyond devastated at the time and thought I'd never meet anyone else I loved as much.

Fast forward a couple of years and I met dh. The difference in the security and happiness I felt being with someone who clearly loved me and wanted to be with me as much as I did with him was amazing. I'd never thought I felt insecure with my ex but this was a while level above. And it continues to get better and better. We were engaged within 3 months and have now been married for nearly 10 years with 2 beautiful boys. I'm still friends with my ex and he is now married with a baby daughter. It wasn't the right time for us. Who knows if things would have been different if we'd been older when we met but who cares because we're both happy now.

You deserve to be with someone that makes you feel like dh makes me feel. Happy, secure
secure and loved. That person may well be your partner but it's time to put him on the spot and ask if he sees you as part of his future. If he won't have the conversation then sadly you probably have your answer. But you will be ok either way.

Maria33 Sat 15-Mar-14 08:51:39

This is fairly standard. Lots of my friends went through thus in their early 30s. Women often feel the pressure more - I guess it's biological (don't shoot). Eventually they all said "it's now or never.." All happily married with kids. Lots if blokes need a nudge, even in good relationships.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 15-Mar-14 08:42:44

Maybe as you said no when he asked you to marry him
3 years ago (so together for 4 and living together for 3) that you upset /hurt him and he won't ask again

Why did you say no? If not sure after 4years then why stay with him?

I understand you want more but if he says no to buying a place/having kids or marriage then is it enough for you

JessieMcJessie Sat 15-Mar-14 01:07:23

I was in a similar situation, slightly shorter relationship and no prior marriage proposal but same avoidance over discussions about the future. I eventually forced the issue when our lease came up and I wanted to buy. He admitted he didn't see us together forever and he had just been too chicken to end it. I was devastated but, looking back, now see with crystal clarity we were not right for each other.

Contrast this to my fiance- he proposed after 8 months of living together (3 years together overall) because that was plenty of time for him to realise that our being together felt completely right.

OP, I hope your DP has the courage to admit it if he's not seeing a future for you two. If he does you amy find it hard, and take a while to find someone else, but you have loads of time on your side. Good luck and let is know what happens.

EurotrashGirl Sat 15-Mar-14 00:19:50

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you weren't ready to marry him after living with him for 3 years? That seems a bit strange to me.

whois Fri 14-Mar-14 18:09:18

I'm going to talk to him this weekend. We are on a long road trip and I will be driving so he won't have anywhere to escape to and I'm going to make him give me some answers. Wish me luck!

Long car journeys are often good for heart to hearts, as long as you don't start crying while driving or anything! Good luck :-)

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 14-Mar-14 17:58:16

Btw, 7 years is enough time to decide if you want to marry someone or not. Or at least stay with someone forever.

I had a 7 year relationship with my ex, I knew deep down I wasn't in love with him and kept burying my feelings. We split up and I'm now married to my DH and am expecting no.2.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 14-Mar-14 17:55:26

So you say you've talked to him, but what does he actually say? Does he say, yes I want to get married, yes I want kids? Or does he avoid your questions? If it's the latter then, sorry OP I think you have your answer.

How did he react when you turned down his proposal previously?

WhateverLover Fri 14-Mar-14 15:03:39

Oh Whois, what is wrong with all these men! I think I had these delusions that I'd be married, living in a house with a white picket fence and 2.4 children by now and, now that I'm getting nearer to 30, I'm starting to panic!

I'm going to talk to him this weekend. We are on a long road trip and I will be driving so he won't have anywhere to escape to and I'm going to make him give me some answers. Wish me luck!

whois Fri 14-Mar-14 14:52:59

Hey OP. I could have written you post. In the last few months it's been playing on my mind that DP won't have a straight conversation about our future. Been together 7 years, lived together for 2.

Most of our friends are not married but in long term relationships, no one has kids. Most of our friends are early to mid 30s. I'm late 20's, DP mid 30s. It's not that he is 'immature' more that he is very focused on his work and can't really see outside of that. Which is in itself now starting to cause problems for me.

I can really relate to your feelings of wanting more, but with him!

whyisthishappening Fri 14-Mar-14 14:49:56

A close friend is in a similar position.

She has wanted to settle down, get a house and have children for 10 years now.

She's now in her mid thirties and nothing has changed. I really worry about her. He acts like a student and shows no interest in having a mature relationship.

He knows what she wants but keeps putting things off. She loves him and doesn't want to lose him.

DoJo Fri 14-Mar-14 14:36:38

I want more but I want it to be with him.

Then you may have to decide which you want more - him or marriage and children. He may be vague because he's planning a huge romantic proposal, he might be vague because he doesn't know how to tell you that he doesn't want any of it, but until you know, you can't really make any decisions or plan for your future. If you do decide that you want him, regardless of whether he wants children etc, then you need to be really sure, because if you change your mind later on, it could be devastating to find out it's too late.

Cotherstone Fri 14-Mar-14 14:30:10

There really isn't anything else but to have a serious talk about it. DP and I had several serious chat about the same length of time into our relationship, and probably about the same age as you are, because things were just meandering along with no significant change and I realised I needed something to change.

You don't have to word it as an ultimatum but you do have to be calm and clear. Say that marriage, or buying a house, or children are important to you and you feel that you need to know where you stand. You need to actually know what he thinks.

I always kind of imagined getting married, though it wasn't overly important to me. We had the chat, DP said he really didn't want to get married ever but he wanted to have children with me, settle down, buy a house. That was what I needed to know to make my decision. Somethings in life are too important not know when you're facing 30, especially if you want children.

If he starts to react in a way you don't like just calmly tell him that this is very important to you and you would like him to listen to you and to reply to what you are asking. At the very least even if the first conversation scares him and he backs out of it, I would have expected my DP to think about it for a few days and then come back to have the conversation once he had figured out what he wanted to say. If your DP won't do that then I suspect you have your answer.

WhateverLover Fri 14-Mar-14 14:20:12

People keep saying that but I don't want to leave him. I want more but I want it to be with him. He recently said he wanted to try for a baby and I was all for it until I took a step back and realised what a mistake that would be. Bringing a baby into the world in our current situation would be crazy.

expatinscotland Fri 14-Mar-14 13:47:46

No need for ultimatums, don't you feel you DESERVE a person who wants a committed relationship with you?

AnswersThroughHaiku Fri 14-Mar-14 13:46:48

I think you need to
Push past the uncomfortable
Looks and have this talk.

expatinscotland Fri 14-Mar-14 13:46:13

Whatever, you need to find a flat and leave this man before you are 30 or older and no further forward.

WhateverLover Fri 14-Mar-14 13:42:23

I've never given him an ultimatum but he knows what I want. He's said that he wants it too but just won't talk about it properly or make the commitment. We broke up for about 4 months last year and I thought, after getting back together things would be different and they're not.

It doesn't help that I am the youngest of my friends so most of them are married and/or having babies and I know I shouldn't compare to their relationships but it's hard not to when I seem to be living with a child!

CoffeeTea103 Fri 14-Mar-14 13:28:13

Hi op, in 7 years if he hasn't changed his mind then it's probably time to face up to the truth that it won't happen. Also living together for 6 years is more than enough time to get to know each other and whether you're compatible.
You shouldn't have to keep bringing it up as if you are desperate, he should also want it to else it's just something he was forced into.

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