DP not committed...?(38 Posts)
Hi, feeling a bit low atm and could really do with some outside opinions.
DP and I have been together for 7 years, cohabiting for 6. We are very happy together; have had a couple of ups and downs but came out stronger because of them.
Lately I've been feeling really broody and want to settle down - not straight away though, just in the next few years or so. But whenever I mention any of this to DP, he looks really uncomfortable. He assures me we will settle down though, but I always feel like he is fobbing me off when he says this.
Today I mentioned that I think we should start saving to buy a place of our own and he looked really uncomfortable again, and said nothing.
I'm thinking that he's just not ready in the same way that I am. Not sure where to go from here - don't want to nag him but also don't want to stay with someone who doesn't appear to want to take things any further.
Am I making too much of all this? Anyone been in a similar situation? Thanks in advance for your help!
Btw, 7 years is enough time to decide if you want to marry someone or not. Or at least stay with someone forever.
I had a 7 year relationship with my ex, I knew deep down I wasn't in love with him and kept burying my feelings. We split up and I'm now married to my DH and am expecting no.2.
I'm going to talk to him this weekend. We are on a long road trip and I will be driving so he won't have anywhere to escape to and I'm going to make him give me some answers. Wish me luck!
Long car journeys are often good for heart to hearts, as long as you don't start crying while driving or anything! Good luck :-)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you weren't ready to marry him after living with him for 3 years? That seems a bit strange to me.
I was in a similar situation, slightly shorter relationship and no prior marriage proposal but same avoidance over discussions about the future. I eventually forced the issue when our lease came up and I wanted to buy. He admitted he didn't see us together forever and he had just been too chicken to end it. I was devastated but, looking back, now see with crystal clarity we were not right for each other.
Contrast this to my fiance- he proposed after 8 months of living together (3 years together overall) because that was plenty of time for him to realise that our being together felt completely right.
OP, I hope your DP has the courage to admit it if he's not seeing a future for you two. If he does you amy find it hard, and take a while to find someone else, but you have loads of time on your side. Good luck and let is know what happens.
Maybe as you said no when he asked you to marry him
3 years ago (so together for 4 and living together for 3) that you upset /hurt him and he won't ask again
Why did you say no? If not sure after 4years then why stay with him?
I understand you want more but if he says no to buying a place/having kids or marriage then is it enough for you
This is fairly standard. Lots of my friends went through thus in their early 30s. Women often feel the pressure more - I guess it's biological (don't shoot). Eventually they all said "it's now or never.." All happily married with kids. Lots if blokes need a nudge, even in good relationships.
Have the conversation, as others have said. Make him see how important this is to you. If he can't / won't then I think you'll have to walk away.
I was in a similar position at the same age as you, although we weren't living together which suited us both. I got to the point where I was happy to carry on as we were but needed to know that he saw children and marriage as part of our future. He ended it because he didn't. I was beyond devastated at the time and thought I'd never meet anyone else I loved as much.
Fast forward a couple of years and I met dh. The difference in the security and happiness I felt being with someone who clearly loved me and wanted to be with me as much as I did with him was amazing. I'd never thought I felt insecure with my ex but this was a while level above. And it continues to get better and better. We were engaged within 3 months and have now been married for nearly 10 years with 2 beautiful boys. I'm still friends with my ex and he is now married with a baby daughter. It wasn't the right time for us. Who knows if things would have been different if we'd been older when we met but who cares because we're both happy now.
You deserve to be with someone that makes you feel like dh makes me feel. Happy, secure
secure and loved. That person may well be your partner but it's time to put him on the spot and ask if he sees you as part of his future. If he won't have the conversation then sadly you probably have your answer. But you will be ok either way.
I do feel a bit sorry for your partner in all this: years into the relationship, he asks you to marry him, you say no. Now you urgently want to "settle down", and he probably wonders why it's all on your terms. Brace yourself for your change of direction/urgency to bring up the question of why you said no then. If there were solid reasons why that was a bad time (eg: other life changing events going on), then say so, but otherwise he has just as much right to stall now.
Definitely time for a two way conversation - and try to stop talking about "settling down"... It means different things to different people, and can have have negative connotations for some. I'd say you have settled down: you're in a long term relationship. Others might interpret it as something to do with jobs; money; marriage; pensions; living arrangements; monogamy; mortgages; joint accounts; curtailment of fun... Whatever it means to you, formulate each point into an unambiguous question - the vaguer your questions, the vaguer will be the answers.
If your partner says that, yes, he wants kids, but not yet, or yes to the mortgage, but not yet, there's a question there about what he's putting it off for. Is it some career plan? Or did he always hope to climb Everest while he was still footloose? If so, let him say it without pouring cold water on it: he has as much right to his hopes and dreams as you have. If it turns out that your life plans are incompatible, that's when you have to choose between him and everything else. It's not unreasonable to "want more as long as it's with him", but you can't always get what you want.
Hello everyone. Thanks for all of the advice. The proposal a few years back wasn't really a proper one - ie we were both quite drunk at the time. He admitted it was a bit soon for us then.
Had a chat with him last night too, and finally got somewhere with it. Explained what his lack of interest in the subject looks like to me when I bring it up and he basically said that he's a bloke and that's just how he is... then went on to say that he does see a future for us, wants us to get married etc, and planning on proposing in next year or two.
I believe what he said - it really did sound genuine and he has been making more effort since then to talk about our future so I reckon it's all good. Think the issue was simply down to a lack of communication.
So he may pop the question in a couple of years
How about buying a house together / getting a mortgage rather then renting
Sounds like he's fobbed you off nicely. FYI, not all blokes are like that.
Having a penis doesn't make you an uncommunicative commitment-phobe
Hi op, just wanted to add that being together for a long time dating doesnt always mean he doesn't want to commit.
My dh and I were together for 10 years before he asked me to marry him. I was ready long before this but we were in our twenties and he had some bizarre idea that he wanted to be 30 before asking?! ( his parents were in their 30's so this was his reason).
I think you do need to talk get some idea from him as to when he will be ready..1 year, or 5 so you both are working to a plan.
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